Passenger Seat

It was another sunny day in Arizona, just like the ones we’d have every day when You were still with me. The sun was out and scorching, as always. And times like these You’d wear a tank top and at the end of the day you’d have a tank top shaped tan on your torso, it was hilarious. It made me remember our drives that we’d take out to the countrier side of town. I curse it but yet again, I love the way the sun kissed my skin and how it felt; like You were still with me.

I remember that we were outside, bored out of our minds on the front porch and we just had decided that we’d take a little adventure. Since You had a new car, You wanted to break it in and drive wherever You’d go. Even if You could walk the distance, You decided to take Your car. I got in the passenger seat while You started the engine. You flipped the switch and warmed the car up a little bit as the radio immediately played some tunes from Your favorite band The White Stripes. It was so funny and adorable how You had a little fan girl crush on Jack. You always said how he was so mysterious and it made your man-parts tingled. I supported the fact that You had a crush on him, because I had my own. And You supported them too!

As we drove, I squinted as we faced the hot Arizona sun. I giggled as I glanced over to You and seeing Your face all squished up too.

“What are You laughing about?” You asked while chuckling under Your breath.
“Your gorgeous face!” I replied, sarcastically.
You smiled and shook Your head, taking the sarcastic comment and pushing that aside. And I just started staring at You. Not in that creepy way we’d all would feel awkward about, but because You did have a gorgeous face. I wondered how You’d ever end up with me. Maybe it was because I refused to apologize spilling the beer all over Your plaid shirt. (I’m sorry! It was plaid! I could never apologize to that and in fact You should be thankful. I made You get rid of that horrible thing and made You a little bit more fashionable.)

We drove out into the warmer, more deserted country side of the town and I remember, from a mile away, You spotted a field. We drove a little bit closer and saw that it was dry and dead. I didn’t know why You found it so beautiful but it made You hop out of the car and explore. You dragged me out too and together, hand in hand, we found our way to the middle (or what we thought was the middle) of the field.

You sat down and I sat down right next to You. There, we talked about the future, how You wanted kids and I thought that they were nothing but small annoying younger-old people. I know You hated it when I rant, I wasn’t that numb, I could tell by Your face. But You never said anything so I just kept ranting.

You laughed the comment off and said “So are we gonna have kids when we get married or not?”
My heart skipped a beat and I felt my cheeks heat up “Who said we were ever gonna get married?” I tried playing coy.
“Well, I asked Your mom and dad and….” He trailed of and I was shocked out of my mind. “They said that I’d be a great addition to the family.” He chuckled as the tears started rolling down my face. He grabbed a ring out of his breast pocket and held the loop between his forefinger and his thumb.

He didn’t have to ask I just shook my head and said yes, I engulfed him in a hug, making us topple over. No one could ruin this day for me, no rain and no clouds because the person who makes me the happiest has given me the chance to give back. And I decided to give back every ounce of Love I had to You.
We stayed in that field for quite a while, I remembered that it was dark and none of us really wanted to go home no matter how it got itchy. We had nowhere else to go anyways. We laid on the ground for hours until my mother called and asked where have we been all afternoon.

We stood up and made our way to the car. I strapped myself in shotgun again and You started the engine.
“Okay, does my parents know that You were gonna ask today?” I asked
“No, I've actually planned this months ago but I needed the right ring and the right time. I thought it was perfect today, the sun was out and it wasn’t that hot today. I’m sorry if it wasn’t that grand—“
“It was perfect, no one can tell me otherwise. The ring is perfect, the timing was perfect and You are perfect.” I reassured him with a smile as he looked at me. I stroked the back of his nape as he looked back into the road.

And immediately I felt a jolt.

I heard long tire screeches sliding across the road and loud thumps and I remember feeling like a rag doll being thrown around inside the car. You wouldn’t actually believe this could happen in real life, and You couldn’t imagine this happen to You but it was like God was slapping me on the face telling me to wake the fuck up because reality was knocking at my door. That I was about to die.

***

I woke up what felt like hours after the accident. Everything was still fresh, the wounds, the scratches, the memories. I remember sitting up and feeling every single emotion come over me like a ton of bricks. Anger, pain, joy, sadness, confusion all rolled up into one big emotional burrito.

I couldn’t figure out what was actually going through my head at that time so I clicked the big red button on the side of my bed and in an instant, a nurse came in my room. She looked very nice and pretty even though she was wearing those god awful scrubs. I liked hers though, it had a teal color to it. She said that she was glad to see me up and my family members were waiting for me outside the room and they could come in whenever I was ready. I wasn’t, at all. I could tell my hair was a mess and I smelled like cigarettes and smoke. But I needed to know what happened so I asked the nurse to stay with me and tell me everything.

“Its best You hear it from someone You know.” She replied and waited for my final decision. I told her that she could let my mother in. She nodded and left me, closing the door behind her.

I sunk in the bed and tried to make myself look a bit presentable and not like I was just in a near death experience with You. Oh god, Tim. Now I was desperate to know where You were and if You were alright. Inside I knew You were, You were one of the strongest and healthiest people I know, besides with my dad.

My mom stormed in my room, she wasn’t crying but I could tell she had been. Her eyes were sullen and her nose was red and runny. She gave me a tight hug and sat at the edge of my bed. She was gripping onto her purse tight just like the time when I had my first ballet recital. I got on stage and from where I stood, I could see my mom gripping tightly onto my father’s hand. I could tell she was nervous for me because she didn’t want me to fall flat on my face but I was unsure why she was nervous for me now.

She uttered every word slowly and carefully as she could so I could understand and process what just happened. And everything came back to me in a flash. I remember the lights and the ash that slowly drifted down from the sky and onto my eye lashes as I opened my eyes. I recalled seeing you beside me, looking roughed up and bloodied all over. My heart kept breaking seeing you so helpless and hurt. I immediately felt the tears roll slowly down my cheeks as she told me more. It was absolutely heart wrenching to see my mother cry because of something that caused me pain which caused her pain too.

“How..” I took a sharp breath in “How's Tim?”
She sat closer and reached out for my hand. Once she had it in her clasps, she squeezed it lightly but made me feel so reassured that everything was gonna be okay, whatever her answer was to me.
“He...uh, He didn’t make it. I'm so sorry, sweetheart.” She said straight forward and hugged me again.
I cried that night, the following night and every other night I was in that hospital bed. I remembered that I asked no one to come inside the room except for my mother. My own father couldn’t see me in such horrendous shape. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, especially my father.

When I came home two weeks after the accident, I asked my mom if I could take a month off of college just so I can settle better into this new lifestyle. “Life” What was I taking about? I could hardly breathe or eat at the end of the day because I was crying too hard. My mother was worried I was gonna end up like You—dead, I mean.

I have to admit, the thought of death didn’t scare me anymore. It made me think that it was an escape route for the both of us. So I get to be with You once again. The thought of being alive just wasn’t enough anymore if You weren’t in the picture.

I still, up to this day wear the ring You got me for our supposed-to-be engagement. I don’t wear it around my finger anymore though, mom says that it will repel the boys. Well who said I wanted to attract them in the first place? But I decided to wear it around my neck instead and make my mom happy even just a little bit. But Tim You know that I don’t think I could ever love anyone else but You. You know me like I know You, You're my best friend and my love.