Cracked Porcelain

December 22

It’s been one month, two weeks and a day since Matty and I had our first date or adventures, as he likes to call them and to tell you the truth we’ve been inseparable ever since. No really, I mean it. He drives me to and from school everyday and it never fails that we arrive late because we can’t seem to stop making out in the school parking lot! When we can’t see each other we text or call and when Matty hasn’t lured me into yet another one of his adventures we simply cuddle at my house on the days my mother works, which is often. And the nights when the loneliness that’s always lingered near me begin to be too much Matty stays with me until I fall asleep just telling me stories about the times his daring escapades went amiss. Sometimes he spends the night, sometimes he doesn’t. We don’t have sex and he never really brings up the topic so we silently agree to simply wait until we were madly in love or can’t stand the urge any longer. He’s also given me an excuse to always be busy so I hardly ever talk to Bliss, after weeks of ignoring all her phone calls she picked up on the hint that we don’t have to pretend to be friends anymore so for me in the end it’s just Matty and me against the world.

It’s been exactly one month, two weeks and four days since the last time I’ve formally seen Jack but I must admit that while I can ignore him in the real world and avoid him on the streets in my dreams it’s a completely different ball game. When I’m sleeping, trapped deep within my own subconscious Jack will plague my mind with his inviting laughter, boyish smile, soft touch, kind words, and magical voice. He never tells me that I’m not good enough for him or that I’ll never be enough he only tells me pleasant things which only makes it harder to hate him. I want to hate him and I sometimes pretend that I do, but I know from dreams that I truly feel otherwise. In my thoughts I must acknowledge him, look him in the eyes and tell him just how much I miss him. Those dreams flood my mind in suppressive waves almost drowning me in emotion and those are the nights I wake up next to Matty crying silently, it seems that even my tears want to escape me.

“What if your friends don’t like me?” I questioned one Saturday afternoon as I sat on the passenger side of Matty’s Jeep.

Out of the forty-five days that we’ve been hanging out I’ve never actually met Matty’s closest friends, which we both came to realize was strange due to the fact that he lives with them and they are basically the only family he acknowledges. So we decided to change that, and when I say we I actually mean Matty because to let you in on a little secret that’s not so secret: I’m horrible with people and I’m terrified that his friends will absolutely detest me from the moment I walk through their apartment door! Don’t get me wrong Matty is constantly talking about them, I mean they are all involved in practically any story he ever tells me and from what I hear they all seem like lovely people but who's to say they will accept me into their close knit group so easily as Matty expects?

“Shut up babe you worry too much.” Matt replies flashing me a toothy grin.

His comment is almost enough to sooth me, at least until we pull into his apartment complex and we exit his car. Almost immediately my stomach begins to flip-flop at the thought that this is all real and actually happening and for a split second I wished that we could just go back to cuddling in my bed talking about what kind of unthinkable adventures we want to entertain ourselves with next. Matty can sense my discomfort and instantly takes hold of my left hand as if to say, Don’t worry everything will be okay and just because it’s Matty I take a deep breath and continue to walk forward and into his home. As I pass through that threshold I take note that I am not just walking into his place of living but I am entering another phase of our relationship, it goes without saying that this was his way of telling me I was more than just another girl he happened to spend time with, I was worth his friends time. It felt good to be worth something.

“Oh, so here is the Barbie doll that Matthew is always rambling on about.” Greeted an intriguing male covered in tattoos with long messy brown hair, whom I assumed to be Misfit. “And quite the porcelain doll you are.” He continued eyeing me in approval before he took my free hand within his and placed a light peck upon my knuckles. I was truly flattered.

Soon after came a girl a year or two older than me with strawberry colored hair that hung loosely in her face, cascading down her back and over her shoulders. She was showing off a huge bright smile that seemed to be the furthest thing from fake and she was just as pretty as I’ll ever be. It was just starting to really get cold outside so she wore a long pink sweater, over gray tights and the cutest boots I’ve seen this season. She gently nudged Misfit out of the way wrapping her arms around me, forcing me into a generous hug and she seemed so excited to be in my presence that I actually hugged her back. The smell of bubble gum and flower shampoo filled my nose and I welcomed it with ease.

“Oh what a pleasure to meet you! I’m so glad that Matty has a new girlfriend! It actually feels like it’s been ages since he’s found someone he actually wanted us to meet! I love new people! We should double date, wouldn’t that simply be fantastic! Are you thirty I just made some hot cocoa? Oh! Where are my manners I’m Valentine, like the day of love!” She gushed releasing me from her strong grip. I didn’t have the heart to tell her we weren’t officially dating.

“Shut up Val. you’re rambling again. If you don’t watch yourself you’ll scare her off before Matty can even lure her into his bedroom.” A girl identical to Valentine barked from a recliner close by.

Valentine’s twin, which I knew from the stories had to be Belladonna, didn’t even bother to remove herself from the recliner. Matty warned me that she was feisty but I never really expected this, actually I wasn’t really sure what I expected. She was clearly beautiful, but not in the same way that Valentine was. Unlike her sister her facial expression remained very indifferent and annoyed as if I had somehow done something wrong. Her voice lacked all the cheer and amusement that Valentine’s was laced with but instead had an undertone of sarcasm no matter what was said. Everything about her appeared a tad bit darker than her sister, even Valentines powdery white skin looked more like ice on Belladonna. Her eyes were a deeper shade of blue, her hair had a redder tint and her lipstick were ultimately crimson instead of a kissable cherry. Her outfit was even identical to her sisters except her tights were more of black fishnets, the sweater was a deep purple and her boots were made of leather and spikes.

“This is Misfit, Valentine and Belladonna. Everyone this is Magnolia.” Matty said gesturing towards his friends and then to me.

“Hey,” I smiled. “ How do you wanna kill time?” I asked, keeping my firm grip on Matty’s hand.

There was a moment of silence before Belladonna spoke, “Let’s go find a badass party so we can really meet the new girl.”

And so we did. All five of us piled into Matty’s Jeep and Valentine insisted that I sit in the backseat with the girls. She honestly seemed nothing but honored to be in my presence so I agreed giving my originally seat in the front to Misfit. On the ride towards whatever may lie ahead Valentine made it her mission to make me feel one-hundred percent included so she filled the time by telling me some funny stories about Matty that he purposely failed to mention, the latest fashion trends which I never bothered to keep up with, and she even went into detail about her current boyfriend Alaric and how she thought she might love him. I distinctly remember thinking how nice it would be to truly be in love with someone. Belladonna even spoke about her strong opinions towards society and at some point she got comfortable enough to mention how she recently broke up with her cheating girlfriend and how she could really use a drink. Her comment inevitably made me think of Jack but in the end I decided Belladonna couldn’t be all bad.

After driving around for what seemed like a damn eternity Matty finally pulled up at some house in the more trashy part of town, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the area that we had our first date in but the house couldn’t even compare to Francis’ house where we first kissed. From all the red plastic cups, half naked girls, cars parked along the streets and intoxicated teenagers it was clear that there was a party going on. As soon as we exited the car insane dubstep music radiating from the house a few feet away invaded our ears adding to the anticipation of getting inside. I’ve been to countless parties with Bliss in my young teenage life but this was the first one I was actually excited for. Valentine and Belladonna instantly linked arms with me putting me in the middle and I had a strong feel it was so Matty and I couldn’t ditch them to lock lips somewhere like the laundry room. In our chain link of three we sauntered into the foreign house like we owned the place with the boys casually following close behind us and in the back of my mind I knew that the confidence I seemed to posses wasn’t my own, but something borrowed from the stunning girls to the sides of me.

Hours and hours seemed to pass by and as usually no one from my household even noticed that I was gone so I was having a hell of a time alternating between drinking, dancing with the girls or grinding on Matty, I even shared a dance or two with Misfit before he disappeared. The whole time I felt so young and free kind of like a bird, it may have been the alcohol but I felt so free that in my heart I almost believed that I truly was a bird ready to fly away and do whatever the fuck I wanted at any moment. In this foreign environment with my new captivating companions I was wild and unpredictable. Yes. I really am a bird, I mentally decided as I danced on some strangers coffee table. By the time Misfit reappeared we were all covered in a thin layer of sweat and had consumed so much hard liquor that we couldn’t walk in a straight line to save our lives. He mumbled something about following him, so we did. He led all of us into a downstairs bathroom and made sure that the door was shut before he spoke.

“Look what I’ve scored!” He boasted pulling out a small plastic baggie filled with white powder in one hand and ten questionable pills in the other.

I recognized it to be coke and ecstasy of some sort. I had never done either but as I stated before I was no stranger to parties. Valentine and her sister’s faces instantly lit up as if to say, the real party has arrived. while Matty stood next to me glancing in my direction appearing a bit uneasy. Everyone seemed to catch onto what Matty was so focused on and they did their best to compose themselves to seemed indifferent, soon they all turned toward me waiting to see my reaction. I could tell by the way they were looking at me that the fate of the groups next decision was in my hands: If I freaked they wait until I left to have their fun, but if I agreed. . .

“Well what the fuck are we waiting on?” I blurted out with a smirk on my face snatching two pills from Misfits palm and swallowing them dry.

The group exploded with cheers and laughter then began to follow my lead everyone taking their share of two pills and shoving them in their mouths. As if rehearsed Misfit opened the plastic bag dumping its contents on the rim of the bathtub, took out a credit card and a dollar bill then the next thing I know we were all on our knees snorting five lines each faster than I could spell illegal After that the night seemed to be a blur and I couldn’t tell my left from my right. The walls were spinning and there were birds flying around everywhere telling me to be free! I could feel the vibrations of the music in my soul, I could hear every little laugh, giggle and cry! My body had this overwhelming sensation of euphoria and I could’ve swore I wasn’t even touching the ground! I discovered a new superpower that enabled me to turn off all the emotions I didn’t want to feel, so I did. In reality we were all jumping over tables, breaking lamps, playing leap frog and I’m pretty sure Matty punched some guy in the face then a fight broke out and I’m almost sure Misfit jumped in. Over all we were causing a scene, which inevitably got us kicked out the party but we didn’t give two fucks because we were infinite and free! For the rest of the night we drove around town causing chaos and leaving damage behind us I don’t remember too many details because I never really sorted out what was real and what was fake.

✖

The next morning I woke up with a headache sprawled on Matty’s living room floor in a mess of bodies and I wasn’t too sure how I got there. Valentine was laying to my left with her head resting on her sisters stomach, her make up was smeared across her face and her hair was matted and tangled beyond repair. Belladonna was sound asleep drooling onto the carpet underneath her sister and I couldn’t help but noticed the streaks of black and blonde hidden within her hair that wasn’t there the night before. Matty was to my right curled up around an empty liquor bottle with an unlit cigarette in his hand both his arms were heavily bruised. Misfit was sprawled out beside him. They were both sporting brand new black eyes that had swollen shut a long time ago and was now the deepest shades of black, blue and purple. Misfit appeared to have a few broken fingers that were covered in dried crusted blood they may not have been his own. I was about to just let myself slip away back into a well needed sleep when I spotted it. I glanced down to find that on my once smooth skin there were two small black and grey sparrow birds on the front of both my shoulders flying away from each other tattooed on my body! I wouldn’t have even noticed if it weren’t for the dull ache emitting from them. The birds were dark and mysterious flying away from me as if trying to escape. Wanting to be free. I was so startled that I almost didn’t noticed the foreign little ball inside my mouth that I soon identified as a tongue piercing.

“What the fuck happened last night?” I blurted out waking up everyone around me.