Pills And Razor Blades - I can't Go On Without Your Love

I sat on the edge of the bed holding my head in my hands. Tears streaked my face and smudged my make up. I was sick of crying, but I couldn’t stop. Not after what happened.

I wiped the most recent tears from my face and moved so that I was lying down. I turned around and lifted a picture off my nightstand. I looked at it and fresh tears well in my eyes. It was of us.

Oh fuck, I miss you so much.

I set the picture down and curled into a ball, grabbing the t-shirt of yours I kept in my bed. It still smells of you. I can’t sleep without something or yours.

I miss you baby, I need you here.

A sharp wrap on my door made me jump. The person on the other side of the door tried to open it, but I had made sure it was locked.

“Ashley…” The voice started softly. It was CC.

“Please come out, it’s been four days.” I opened my mouth to respond but just broke down into tears. CC sighed and I could hear the hurt in his voice, to hear me like this.

“Ash, we’re all here for you, come out when you’re ready.” He walked away. The guys had been trying to get me to go out and do something for days, but I refused.

Ash… He used to call me that. The tears came harder this time. I sat up, my whole body shaking. I looked at the photo again and reached under my bed.

I pulled out a large bottle of Vodka. Half empty.

Babe since you’ve been gone, this has been filling the hole in my heart. Well trying to.

I unscrewed the cap and took a large mouthful. The liquid fire burnt my throat as it went down, but I didn’t feel it. Not anymore. I moved so my back was against the headboard and took another swig. I looked up and lifted the bottle.

“To you my dear Andy.” I said as I continued to drink myself to oblivion.

I must have passed out because eventually I woke up and the sun broke through my curtains. I rolled over and for one second I was happy, I had forgotten everything bad that happened.

But then it all came crashing down.

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt of what happened. I remember it so vividly. You walking across the street, the drunken driver, the screams, the wailing of the sirens, the shouts. Everything. I remember clutching you in my arms as you passed on. You whispered you loved me one last time and you were gone. I refused to believe you were gone. But you were.

The tears came back, as strong as ever and I let out a scream as I stood up and lifted the now empty vodka bottle from the bed and threw it with all my strength at the wall. It smashed and I fell back on the bed. Screaming into a pillow.

You were my life. Without you there is no life left in me.

The guys have been trying to move on, even looking for a new singer, but I couldn’t do that to you. I even left the band… I know I said I would never do that but it was your dream. I didn’t want to keep going with it. It was YOURS.

I screamed a final scream into the pillow and then lifted it and it too was thrown across the room. Next I threw the lamp. What’s happening to me?!

Somewhere in my fit of rage someone had tried to calm me through the door but I ignored them. Eventually I calmed down enough to lift another bottle, this time it was whiskey, from beneath the bed. I downed a quarter of it at once and felt woozy. But it didn’t fill the void in my heart completely. So I took another drink.

I grabbed the notebook of yours from under the bed. The green one, and began to read through it. Eventually, my tears dripped onto the pages as I reached knives and pens. Why couldn’t I be strong like you, rather than drinking myself to death.

Fuck it, death was better was it not? I’d be with you. And just like that I had an idea. I swallowed another mouthful of liquid fire and made my way into my en suite bathroom.

I brought your t-shirt in here, the bottle of alcohol, a pen and your notebook. I went to the medicine cabinet and lifted everything else I’d need. Pills and a razor blade.

I sat on the floor with all my “supplies” and laughed to myself.

“I’m gonne be with you soon Andy baby.” I said and smiled. I lifted the pen and flicked to the final page of your notebook and wrote.

‘Brothers, I love you all but I can’t go on without Andy. He was my life, and without him there is no life for me. I love you guys and you guys did so much to try and help me, but I was just beyond help. There was nothing that anyone could have done to stop me, don’t blame yourselves okay? I love you all, and tell my family I love them too. Goodbye, I’ll see you all one day again.
-Ashley <3 xo’

I read over the note and nodded. I set it on the floor beside me. I lifted the bottle of pills and emptied it into my hand. I smiled, deliriously happy.

“I’ll be with you soon Andy!” I shouted as I placed the pills in my mouth. I took a mouthful of whiskey to help them go down. The effect was almost immediate.

Everything was fuzzy and I began to feel like I was floating.

“I’m coming for you baby!” I shouted loudly again. I lifted the blade and dragged it across my left, then my right wrist. There was no coming back from this, and why would I want to? I was going to join my Andy.

A banging on my door alerted me slightly, even though I could feel myself fading. I wasn’t able to move a muscle I just sat there, waiting.

The pounding on the door got more rapid and two voices shouted as loud as they could.

“Ashley!” Another voice joined the two already shouting.

“I hope we’re not too late.”

They must have heard what I was going to do. But it WAS too late. I could feel myself dying. My vision was blackening.

The door to my bedroom gave way eventually and Jinxx, Jake and CC burst in looking absolutely terrified. They made their way to the bathroom and each of them screamed. The look on their faces broke my heart.

“Ashley!” Jinx dropped to his knees beside me. Jake just stood there, in shock and horror and CC got his phone out. To call 911 I assumed.

“Ashley, look at me!” Jinxx shouted at me. I couldn’t move to look at him but he kept shouting. I could hear CC shouting down the phone too. Each of my brothers was crying. They never cried.

Just then, I could feel the pain in my wrists, and in my stomach. I became more aware of what was happening. What did I do?!

I wanted to shout to my brothers tell them I was sorry but nothing came out. All I could do was sit there as my consciousness drifted away. I was dying. No. I wanted this… But not anymore.

“I’m…sorry.” I managed to say lightly as my eyes slipped shut and my breathing slowed.

I could hear sirens and commotion, but I knew I couldn’t be saved. I’d left my family but I was going to my lover at least.

“I’m coming Andy, I’m coming.” I thought as my mind stopped working.