Symphonies of the Damned

“Jinxx, where are we?” I asked, changing out of my skinny jeans and into a pair of Batman pajama pants.
“Somewhere in Washington.” Jinxx answered bitterly. “We should be in Seattle tomorrow morning.”
“Do we have a show tomorrow?”
“No, we have a day off.” Jinxx muttered. “There’s a show after tomorrow.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah.”
He turned his back towards me, implying that we was done talking to me.
Honestly, it was a bit hurtful but I knew I deserved it.
I’ve been a fucking prick lately.
“I’m sorry…” I whispered, locking myself in the closet of a bathroom.
Taking a few minutes to wipe off any makeup my earlier shower had failed to remove, I finished getting ready for bed.
There were so many things running through my head, and I was choosing to focus on other things.
Like the faint trail of eyeliner over my right eye, for instance.
Staring at my reflection, I stared at the shortened strands I had chopped off on impulse.
The fan base had a very broad reaction to my new hair; some disappointed and others “fell more in love with me”.
I don’t know, we had some pretty…creepy fans.
I love them all, anyways.
After I had run out of things to do, I flipped off the lights and climbed into my bunk.
It was an early night tonight, I just needed to be alone and think clearly about everything that was going on.
Without anyone else influencing my decisions.
Jake and Christian were playing video games in the back room; the door locked for their sake.
I could hear faint strums of an acoustic guitar coming from the front of the bus, most likely Ashley.
He liked playing soft chords when he was troubled.
I knew we were both thinking the same thing; that kiss from earlier.
Jinxx had closed the curtain around his bunk as well, but I could hear him Skyping with Sammi.
There wasn’t any point in my being out, I would just run into someone who was pissed off at me.
Which was just about everyone but CC.
Drawing the curtains around my bunk, I leaned against the cold wall and wrapped the comforter around my lap.
It was time to really think about everything that had been going on.
There really wasn’t any other explanation to it, but I had been a major douche the past few weeks.
I had cheated on Juliet several times, and she didn’t deserve it.
In fact, Jinxx and Ashley didn’t deserve my anger over it either. They were doing the right thing.
Juliet deserved better than me.
I had been mad about losing rights to my child.
Jinxx was right though; if I really cared, I would try my damn hardest to make sure that child didn’t grow up like me.
They weren’t going to experience a broken family; it would be nothing but real love.
Tomorrow morning, I was going to stop avoiding Juliet and actually work things out with her.
I couldn’t see myself getting back together with her.
I had completely shattered her trust in me, and honestly, I don’t think I wanted to return to her.
Don’t get me wrong, I still loved her but greater things were at stake here.
I was going to call her though, and work out an arrangement for our future child.
It’s not like I would be able to watch it when I was touring, but maybe I could have him when I wasn’t.
Smiling to myself, I basked in that thought.
My little Batman baby and I, walking down the streets of Los Angeles. It would be just like normal, but I’d have a baby with me.
My baby.
Alright, until I actually call her, that puts the Juliet problem out of my hands and to rest.
At this point, it was up to Juliet if she agreed with this arrangement.
If she didn’t, I would wait until I was back from tour to see her in person and actually convince her.
It wasn’t like she could slam the door in my face; I still lived there too.
Shit.
I had nearly forgotten about that!
Okay, another problem – I needed to find a place to stay once I got home, unless I somehow made amends with Juliet tomorrow.
Jake was another one of my problems.
He had too much of an influence over me, and I was tired of that shit. I wasn’t going to let anyone dehumanize me for how I felt.
This was what the band was about! Be yourself and never give in.
I wasn’t going to let some asshat pressure me into doing something I didn’t want to do.
What was it that I wanted to do, exactly?
It was a question I hadn’t fully answered yet, and I wasn’t sure how to go about for the answer.
What did I want?
Who did I want?
My mind lingered back to the kiss I had shared with Ashley before the show.
It really caught me by surprise.
I don’t know, I expected to get punched.
God knows I deserve it.
I’ve been a fucking douchebag lately, and all I got was a fucking kiss from the man I was in love with!
Wait.
Did…I just admit to myself…?
Yeah, I did.
Not only that, but I’m pretty sure I’m talking to myself right now.
Oh, who gives a shit?
I’m figuring things out, aren’t I?
Honestly, I don’t know where else to take this too. It was obvious I felt something towards Ashley.
I wouldn’t necessarily call it love, but it was an attraction nonetheless.
I just, I needed to get close to him.
Sighing, I recalled the last few days of tour.
When I had found out about the crush he had on me, and the freedom I felt with him.
Every thought, word, and smile just felt natural around him.
There wasn’t any pretending with him.
Then, there’s the day we came back from tour.
The laughter, the Chinese food, the American Horror Story marathon, the cuddling.
It had been perfect!
Thinking clearly, it seemed like what I wanted.
I didn’t want to marry Juliet and raise a child with her by my side. All this time, I had wanted to spend my time with Ashley.
But after Juliet’s announcement, I had blocked that idea from my head and dedicated myself to Juliet.
This was my responsibility.
I didn’t want to be like my father and walk out of this baby’s life.
I had grown up completely alone. My mother was working double-time to support me and pay all the bills.
She was barely home.
Being an only child, I wasn’t used to social interaction and spent my middle school and high school days locked in my room with a guitar.
Of course, that led to endless teasing and the occasional shove in the hallway at school.
This wasn’t something a child of mine was going to ensure.
I didn’t want him to believe he, or she, had been abandoned from the start of it all.
I was going to be the support until they could do it on their own.
There were two things I really wanted right now.
My baby, and Ashley.
They both required work and regaining trust from people I fucked up my relationship with.
Fuck Jake.
He wasn’t going to be brick wall in the way of my happiness anymore.
If he didn’t accept who I liked, or who Ashley was for that matter, than he could just fuck off.
He wasn’t wanted on my bus if this was his attitude.
He didn’t have a problem with gays, but he didn’t seem very keen on the idea of living with one.
Even if it was only temporarily.
I would talk some sense into him later, but right now my priority was Ashley.
I needed him.
I wanted him.
There.
I had finally admitted it to myself, and this time I wasn’t going to give up on anything.
Tomorrow morning, I would call Juliet and work things out with her.
Then, I would take Ashley out and we’d talk.
Hopefully everything would go according to plan, because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t know what to do.
I was depending my last shred of hope onto this.
That solved almost all of my problems, but Jinxx.
He would barely look at me.
His eyebrows raised in surprise when he saw my new hair, but he still hadn’t commented.
Any messages between us during our set had been passed on by CC.
If I didn’t fix the situation with Jinxx soon, CC was going to end up going insane and stow away on someone else’s bus.
Thinking about it, I don’t think Jinxx was going to talk to me until I proved that I had honestly changed.
Until I took a little more responsibility and fixed a few of the things I had fucked up; namely, Juliet and Ashley.
A part of his anger was directed at Jake, but he was being cold to me and ignoring him.
That’s fine.
I would rather be treated rudely than have someone pretend I don’t exist.
I got enough of that from my father.
Yawning, I forced myself into a comfortable position before I let myself fall asleep.
I had mentally resolved a lot of problems; now it was up to fate to do the rest of the job.

--
“Andy, wake up!”
Christian was shaking me awake, a wide grin on his face.
“CC, what is it?” I asked, finally opening my eyes and sitting up.
“First of all, I was nice and didn’t wake you up two hours ago.” He huffed. “Anyway, get dressed!”
“Why?” I yawned.
“We’re going out for breakfast at iHop, and you all get to meet Kayla!”
“Who’s Kayla?” I asked in confusement.
“Exactly!”
He was way too excited about this.
“I’m up, I’m up!” I assured him and stood up before he physically pulled me out of the bunk.
Considering mine wasn’t near the floor, I wasn’t taking any chances.
Locking myself in the bathroom again, I splashed water on my face before brushing my teeth.
Since I was planning on taking Ashley out later, I smudged the smallest amount of black eye shadow and called it good.
Pieces of my hair were sticking out randomly, so I adjusted a black beanie on top of my head and went to get dressed.
Christian was chiming the time every five minutes, sounding more frantic with each round.
“I’m getting dressed!” I yelled, opening my suitcase.
Keeping it simple, I pulled on a pair of black skinny jeans, a Foo Fighters tee, and a jean jacket with a pair of Vans.
“I’m ready!” I announced, pocketing my phone and wallet.
Ashley and Jinxx were dressed as well, holding a hushed conversation near one of the couches.
Jake was staring at them intently, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his Slipknot hoodie.
After five minutes, Christian finally stepped out of the bathroom.
“You’ve been yelling at us to get ready, and you’re still not even dressed?” Jinxx complained, taking in CC’s lack of pants.
“I’m getting there!”
Taking this as my only opportunity, I excuse myself and walk off the bus with my phone in hand.
Scrolling through my contacts, I hover over Juliet’s name before finally calling her.
It rung about seven times before reaching voicemail.
“Hey Juliet…” I started awkwardly. “I don’t know whether you’re still asleep, or you’re ignoring me, but I just wanted to talk. I’m extremely sorry for what I did behind your back, and I really hope we can get past that. I don’t expect you to take me back. Hell, I wouldn’t want me back! I just hope we can get custody arranged… I really want to be able to see my baby Jules; you know that! Anyway, call me when you get this. Or, I’ll see you when I get home and we’ll talk then, yeah? Take care…bye.”
Hanging up, I climbed back on the bus to see CC emerging from the back finally dressed.
“Took you long enough.” Jake muttered, smiling slightly.
At least he wasn’t mad at everyone.
“Hold on! I forgot my phone!” CC remembered, running back to his bunk.
“I’m going to tell everyone else we’ll be there in about an hour.” Jake decided, talking to himself.
Jinxx still nodded, staring at the floor absentmindedly.
“Hey, Ashley…” I spoke up, looking at him hopefully.