I Don't Want the World to See Me

Clara knew this was probably wrong of her but she had no one else to go to. Despite everything, she considered Tony a friend and she needed someone to talk to about Tom and about her fears. She needed someone to calm her down, to tell her she’d be alright even if Tom went back to London. That London didn’t mean a break up, that Tom meant when he said he loved her, that he wouldn’t screw up again.

Tony could barely believe what he had just heard when Clara accidently spilled all about Tom’s possible return to London. The ginger had heard attentively and tried to keep as silent as possible while she spoke, ending up showing her concerns, which he had predicted sooner or later.

“So he might be going to London soon?”

“I’ll know tonight, Tony. His manager is going to Skype with him at some point today.”

“And you support this decision of his?”

“Of course Tony, if it’s his dream, how can I sit back and tell him not to go? I don’t want to see him unhappy when I know he misses the real stage, the real challenges.”

“But what about you? What about your happiness Clara?”

Her hazel eyes fell to the floor.

“Don’t you care about yourself? Clara. Clara, enough being good to him and not demand a thing. Enough satisfying his every will!” Tony said, his tone turning harsher as he grabbed her arm to make her look at him and she looked nearly frightened for a moment, pulling back.

“You don’t understand.” She said with disappointed, her eyes filling with tears as her friend reacted in the exact opposite way of what she needed. She thought he’d help, that he’d support her. Instead, he was ready to jump and talk badly of her boyfriend, something she couldn’t stand.

“I understand perfectly.” He replied quickly, feeling his words want to jump out of his mouth.

He had been spending months under control, being nice, being her friend but to see her nearly breaking, saying yes to anything Tom said was enough for him. He wouldn’t stand it, not for another minute.

“You are willing to do anything to keep him, to protect him, to love him but Clara he’s left once. He doesn’t appreciate you like you deserve. What makes you think he won’t leave for good now? He returned because he needed you, just that. Do you think he means it when he says he loves you? Think twice. You’re so naive, Clara. He’s just using you.”

Tony’s reflexes were fast and he caught her hand midair before she could slap him and he pulled her to him. His thoughts were racing a million times an hour at this point and he didn’t care if he regretted this because he might not have the courage later. Keeping her arm down with one hand, his other hand fisted in her hair and he pulled her in for a rough kiss, controlling it with all his emotions.

Clara gasped, freezing in his grasp as he held her in place, forcing his lips into hers before she bit him.

“Get off me!” She cried out, using her strength to pull him back.

“Look around you!” He nearly shouted, realizing she had bitten so hard that his lip was actually bleeding a little. “I am here for you. Me!” He said, overwhelmed as rejection fell upon him harder than before.

“How dare you do this now?!” She exclaimed, her voice never raising as tears ran down her face “I came to you as a friend, thinking you’d support me, comfort me and... Tony... Tony, how dare you? How dare you judge me? How dare you speak like that about Tom?”

“I am not judging you. I just... I hate him! I hate him for making you suffer and then coming back for you to receive him with opens arms and with the love he doesn’t deserve!” His hands were closed into fists as he beat one hard against his chest “I have always been here. I never left. I would never leave you! Never! Do you know why? Because... I love you! I truly do. I always have.”

Her eyes widened. All she had hoped he would never say came out of his mouth. Her Nana had warned her about Tony years prior but she had never given it a second thought until it smacked her in the face. She was quiet in her place, her eyes speaking a thousand words her mouth would never spill. She sobbed and wiped her tears, feeling weak and ridiculous for letting Tony make a mess out of her. Tony tried to reach out to her, his anger and his impulsiveness dropping on him to let regret fill him up. What had he done?

“I never meant to hurt you.” She said, keeping out of his reach, not wanting him to even be close “I have always seen you as my friend, nothing more. I... I will never love you. Not in the way you would like. I... I’m sorry. I should have never come to you. I love Tom and only Tom.”

With that, she picked up her things and began to go, Tony nearly crying out to her as he followed her.

“Clara no! Clara! Please! Please!”

Forgive me.

That night, Tom ended up being on Skype until late and he was surprise to call and have Nana pick up Clara’s phone.

“She had a long day dear. She’s already asleep.” The woman said softly and Tom nodded, understanding.

“I’ll call tomorrow then. Thank you Nana Jenkins, have a good night.”

The woman said her goodnight and hang up the phone, returning to Clara’s bedroom where she was laying in bed. She had told everything to her grandmother and the woman had tried to calm her down but to no avail. For once, seeing Tom wasn’t an option. If he knew about Tony and what he had said, Clara wasn’t sure of what Tom would do and didn’t want any more problems.

“Calm down sweetheart,” Nana said, rubbing her granddaughter’s back as the young woman sobbed into her pillow “Calm down.”

“I don’t want to see him never again... never.”

“And you don’t have to.” Nana promised, upset with what had happened. She was happy for her granddaughter finally having being with someone she loved but to see that other man trying to twist her heart, made her mad.

“Nana... Do you think Tony could be right? Am I being really that obtuse? Am I letting Tom take advantage of me?”

Nana sighed and turned enough so they could face each other.

“What does your heart tell you, dear?”

“That Tony is an idiot,” Clara murmured with a sigh “My heart tells me that I love Tom and that’s all that matters. Tony and his words don’t matter whether he meant well or badly. He doesn’t matter.”

Nana smiled softly “There’s your reply then, dear. Follow your heart.” She advised, caressing her granddaughter’s face before she left her to rest.

Hours passed and Clara was unable to sleep. Getting up, she saw lights in Tom’s house and she decided to walk over. She needed him, whether she told him or not. Getting into her robe, she walked across the street and knocked on his door.

Tom opened the door with a surprise look. He was standing in his pyjamas, reading classes on his face and he placed his book down when he saw Clara standing there.

“Darling?” He said softly, opening the door more “Are you alright? I thought you were resting.”

Without saying a word, Clara stepped in and kissed him passionately. As soon as their lips touched, all that Tony had said vanished from her mind. Only Tom mattered. She heard him moan softly as she pressed herself to him, wearing thin layers of clothes.

They hadn’t been intimate yet but they hadn’t discussed when they wanted it to happen either and Clara wanted it now. She wanted him and she knew he wanted her too, his boners every time they cuddled were something that had made her think about sex quite a lot more. She needed to prove to herself that Tony was wrong. She wasn’t naive. She was in love, Tom was the man of her life and they would be together no matter what happened.

Guiding Tom’s hands to her hips, she felt him pull her inside and close the door to press her to it.

“What... What is going on?” He asked a bit out of breath as he pulled back.

Clara looked into his eyes, removing her robe to stand in a little nightgown in front of him. His eyes widened slightly, her breasts just a mere distance from his touch: Nude under the silk, perky and round.

“Let’s not talk now.” She said softly, kissing him again while caressing his hair “Please, I want you Tom.” She murmured in his ear.

Tom groaned feeling her grind into him with such short clothing and he lifted her up, wrapping her arms around his waist before he carried her upstairs.

Tom woke first the next day, smiling down at Clara as she slept curled up to his chest. He had his arm around her, his hand gently caressing her arm and shoulder as he kept her close. He had no idea of what had come over her the night before but it had been amazing. Sex had been on his mind for a while but he didn’t want to put pressure on her for it, however having her take the lead had turned him on beyond belief.

Despite having slept well, he was still a bit tired from last night but he was happy. So so happy and he couldn’t wait to tell her the good news about his conversation with his manager but, for now, he’d relish in just having her in his bed.

She began to wake a while later and he kissed her lips softly “Morning sexy.”

She blushed, hiding her face in his chest “Good morning love.” She said, glancing up to give him a kiss. “How did you sleep?”

“Wonderfully. You?” Tom asked his hands roamed down her naked backside.

“Really good. Last night was amazing,” Clara murmured, nuzzling his skin. For once, she didn’t regret following her impulses. Tom had made her feel special in every way, proving him that she was right. They were good and strong together, Tony was just led by his feelings, Tony was just a bad loser.

“It truly was, my love,” Tom said, kissing her deeply “I love you.” He murmured against her lips which made her smile.

“I love you more.” Clara replied feeling his arms squeeze her lovingly to him.

“I have news.”

Clara blinked her eyes and leaned her chin on his chest “Tell me all about them Tom.”

“Apparently, there were people eager for my return.” He said, taking a deep breath so he wouldn’t just ramble “And I have three audition offers, so far.” He added “Two of them can be done through sending a tape but one has to be in person. I have to go to London for it.”

Clara nodded “Very soon?”

“In about two weeks. I need time to make the other tapes and learn my lines.”

“What are the roles?”

“One is for an independent film, called ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’. Another is for an old friend of mine, she’s making another short-film and the last one... is to play Coriolanus himself on stage... live. I haven’t done Shakespeare in years... Clara, I have to get it.”

“I know.” She said lovingly, caressing his chest “I have complete thrust in you. You are a very talented and gifted actor, Tom. You can do it. You can definitely get all of those roles.”

“But,” He said sadly “If I get them all, I have to stay in London. Actually... if I get any I have to stay.” Tom said softly, brushing her bed hair back “Will you go with me?”

“What do you mean?” Clara said gently, looking into his eyes.

“If I have to move there, will you go with me?”

She fell silent. She had never expected for him to ask her such a thing. Tom waited, studying her expression. He didn’t want to admit it, but he clearly needed her more than she needed him. He needed her to keep sane. He feared what could happen if he returned to London and to acting by himself.

“Tom... I honestly don’t know.” Clara said softly “I’ve always lived here. I have no idea of what a big city is like and I can’t... I can’t just leave Nana alone.”

He sighed. He honestly didn’t hope much for a positive answer but he was proud that he asked and wasn’t freaking out over her reply. He was actually very calm.

“I understand love, trust me I’m not mad.” He said, cupping her cheek “Perhaps you can consider spending just a few weekends over? Audition process can take a while, maybe you can visit me before any official decisions.” He suggested hopefully.

Clara smiled with relief and she nodded, kissing him deeply.

“I think I can manage weekends.” She said, knowing that Nana would be fine just a couple of days on her own but no more than that.

“That’s great darling,” Tom said smoothing her back before he playfully turned them around, so he was on top and nestled between her thighs “Now, I don’t really want to work today. Do you have work at the café?” He grinned, kissing her neck.

Clara smiled and moaned softly, caressing his hair as she remembered Tony. Given that she had other three students, aside from Jenny, she had been considering on dropping her job at the café. She had been thinking about that for a few weeks now and after what happened with Tony, she didn’t really want to work there anymore. Her income plus Nana’s pension were enough for them to live comfortably.

“No. Not really,” She replied, tilting her head slightly as Tom kissed her skin. He was more tender than what she had imagined. He was tender, loving, slow but he knew how to tease and how to please. None of them was more dominate, they were incredibly equal in the sheets, both of them aiming to please the order but also reach their own pleasure.

“Mhmm, what was that tone?” He asked softly, his fingers gliding on her hipbones “Is something wrong at the café darling? You usually sound so excited when we speak of it.”

Clara sighed. Sadly, he could read her like a book.

“I am going to drop my place there.” She said softly, Tom’s bright blue eyes gazing up at her as he stopped with the kissing but his fingers continued caressing.

“Why dear? I thought you liked it.”

“I do but... Tony and I had an ugly fight and I don’t want to see him ever again.”

Tom tensed a bit at the mention of Tony’s name but he remained calm, caressing her skin as he listened attentively. If he had done anything to hurt Clara, Tom wouldn’t let it slide. Nobody was allowed to hurt her, he wouldn’t let that happen.

“Tell me what happened.”

With a heavy sigh, Clara told him. She told him everything, not leaving a single detail out. She told him what Tony had said, the kiss and his confession. Tom’s face remained the same throughout her telling and once she was done, all he did was kiss her passionately.

“He doesn’t know what he’s saying.” Tom said to Clara. He could see in her eyes that she hadn’t believed him and he was thankful for it “I love you. Do you hear me? Clara, I love you. You’re everything to me.”

“As you are to me.” Clara said, meaning it “That’s why I don’t want to see Tony anymore. We are not his business. I do not care for him anymore, he hurt me with his words, it was very disrespectful.”

Tom nodded, kissing her softly “I’ll go with you to the café later so you can speak to your boss. I promise Tony won’t say anything to you. You’re safe with me, I promise.”

Clara smiled softly, happy that Tom hadn’t freaked out. She had honestly expected him to at least shout but no. He had remained calm and in her arms. “I love you.” She said sweetly and he kissed her, holding her tight in his arms.

Tony had no idea of what was coming to him.

As promised, Tom and Clara went to the café together. Her boss invited her upstairs to his office and while she went, Tom put on his charming smile and went to one of the waitresses.

“Do you know if Tony is around?” He asked softly and the girl said that yes, that he was just outside, smoking. Tom thanked her and went outside.

Tony looked like a wreck and he felt even worse. He had always wanted to tell Clara his feelings, to kiss her but not that way. Never that way. The disgust in her eyes and voice towards him were like knives and he knew that he had lost her and that it was his own fault.

“Tony?”

The ginger turned his head to see Tom standing there and he straightened up.

“What do you want? Did you come to boast in front of me?”

“I came to settle things straight.” Tom said, walking further to him “You know nothing of me to speak to my girlfriend that way, do you understand?”

“Oh she told you already? My goodness. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” Tony asked, getting pissed off “We both know your kind of girl isn’t Clara. You’re using her.”

Tom growled, his hands grabbing Tony by the collar of his shirt.

“Listen, you idiot,” He said seriously “I have nothing to be ashamed of. You know nothing about me or my problems or my past to judge me. You’re jealous? Pity. If you really love her as you claim, you should have done something before, not now just because you’re jealous. Clara is my girlfriend and I love her more than what you can understand.”

Tony snarled “You disgusting liar! You’re going to leave her again. I know you will. Guys like you never change. You’re going to break her heart and leave her.”

Tom pushed him to the wall roughly “Don’t call me a liar! Who do you think you are you sissy?!” He yelled, pressing the ginger harder until he almost sounded like he was chocking and then Tom punched him hard, leaving him on the floor with a bloody nose. “I don’t want you around my girlfriend again, you hear me? If I ever see you around her or if I know that you’re trying to reach out to her, things won’t end well. Understood?”

Tony spat blood on the floor and gave Tom the middle finger, causing the Brit to punch him again, this time in the jaw.

“And I better never catch you telling shit about me to others ever again, especially to Clara. Stay away from us. Away.”

Clara’s boss was heartbroken to have his musician wanting to go but no price was enough for Clara to stay. The man resigned and handed over her last salary, both sharing a hand-shake for the last time before Clara returned downstairs where Tom was already waiting, looking as if nothing had happened.

He smiled at his girlfriend, embracing her to him as she said goodbye to everyone and left. Tom made no mention of Tony and Clara didn’t ask either. As they walked down the street, chatting, Tony observed from the alley way, his face bruised from Tom’s punches. Even with his threats, the ginger wasn’t going to stay away completely.

He knew Clara would need him eventually.