I Don't Want the World to See Me

As she arrived at Paddington’s train station, Clara was a bit overwhelmed at the amount of people coming and going. Everywhere was full. Her train carriage had been full, the reception was full and she was one of the last to collect her baggage. She had told Tom at what time her train arrived and so she walked around a bit, trying to find him anywhere.

Even though Clara had the time to visit Tom sooner, they had postponed their weekend so it was only three months after she had promised to visit that she finally came. In the meantime, their phone calls became rare and Clara had news from Tom only a couple of times a week. Tom was swept into work quicker than Clara expected but he kept promising that it would be worth it and that she still had to come because he would have time for her. If not, he would make the time.

Checking her wristwatch, the young woman waited patiently until she saw a young man coming towards her.

“Ms Clara Jenkins?” He asked with a hopeful smile.

Recognising her name, Clara nodded “Yes, that’s me.” She replied as the young man sighed with relief, extending his hand to shake hers.

“Pleasure to meet you Ms. My name is Luke and I am Tom’s assistant, he asked me to come and pick you up.”

Clara shook his head, though she couldn’t hide her frown “I hope that all is well with Tom?”

“Oh yes, please don’t worry, he’s fine.” Luke reassured her, taking her bag as they walked together to get a taxi “He’s just a bit caught up in work so I’ll be with you until he’s all done.”

Clara agreed, letting Luke guide her. After a few moments of thinking, she remembered all that Tom had told her about this young man and they were apparently friends and not just boss and worker. About Tom’s work, Clara wasn’t too sure about what he was up to but she didn’t want to ask Luke either.

“I’m taking you to Tom’s flat, where you can stay and wait for him.” Luke explained as they were taken through the streets of London. Clara watched everything with excitement and in awe. It was her first time at the capital.

As they arrived, Clara realised that Tom living in the upper-side of the city. Letting Luke open the door, Clara smiled and stepped in.

“Alright, I’ll give you a quick tour,” He said, taking her to the bedroom before he showed her the rest. “Do you need anything else?”

“Oh no, thank you.” Clara smiled “I’m fine, thank you for bringing me over. It was lovely to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine Ms. Jenkins. I’ll see you around.” Luke said smiling happily as he left.

The flat felt unfamiliar though it was where her boyfriend lived. She could sense the faint smell of Tom’s cologne and she smiled. He would be home soon and she’d finally see him. Three months had felt like infinity. Clara explored a bit on her own, noticing how the flat was kept neat which wasn’t a surprise.

As the hours passed, she resisted calling Tom and instead she settled to make them dinner. A while later, she heard the door and her heart began to race just as she was finishing preparing their dishes. She heard steps coming inside the flat and she smiled happily.

“Tom!”

The actor smiled faintly as he hugged Clara tight once she was in his arms.

“Hello my love.” He whispered, his hands rubbing her back as he felt her arms wrapping tightly around him, clutching him close.

“I missed you so much.” Clara whispered pulling back a bit. She cupped Tom’s face, watching the dark circle under his clear blue eyes. He had lost weight, that was clear, but he also looked completely exhausted. “Long day?”

Tom nodded “You made dinner... Lovely. I’ll get the drinks.” He said, peeling himself from her.
Clara removed the apron around her waist, trying not to worry about how he looked. She took a seat, looking a bit surprised as he brought wine over to the table but she said nothing.

“I hope that Luke was a good host while I was busy?” Tom asked, pouring them both wine before he
sat.

Clara nodded with a smile “Yes, he was wonderful. He’s very nice and he showed me around.” She said as Tom listened, focusing on the food.

Normally, he wasn’t this distant but Clara assumed that he was just tired.

“And how was your train ride?”

“It was good. I slept for most of it.” Clara chuckled, though there wasn’t any reaction from Tom.
“How was work?”

“Exhausting.” He sighed as he ate, though he left most of his food untouched, preferring to give the wine attention while he looked over at Clara. She was just like he remembered: beautiful.

Clara noticed that he was staring and she smiled softly as she finished her dinner.

“How is your little student?” Tom asked.

“She’s well. She’s been learning really quickly.” Clara said, wiping her lips clean. “If you’d like you can go to bed darling, I’ll handle this.” She offered, lifting both their plates.

As she cleared them, she turned her back to Tom to face the sink. As she was about to turn the water on, Clara felt Tom’s hand on her waist.

“You know, I have a dishwasher.” He whispered and she could almost see the smirk on his lips.

“Oh... I didn’t know that.” Clara said, feeling her blood rush to her cheeks as he suddenly turned her to face him. His eyes were light as he looked down at her intently. His empty wine glass was resting beside hers on the counter and Clara could smell the scent of alcohol in his breath. That wine hadn’t been his first drink that day.

“I missed you.” Tom whispered, both his hands resting on her hips as he lifted her up. The young woman gasped as she wrapped her legs around him while he held her up and against his chest. “I missed you terribly.” He added, leaning up to claim her lips in a passionate kiss.

Clara hummed as she wrapped her arms around his neck, one of her hands gently petting his hair as he deepened the kiss when he pressed her against the wall.

“Tom,” Clara whispered, widening her eyes a bit when she felt his index finger rest upon her lips.

“Shh darling. Let me welcome you into my home properly.” He said, kissing her rougher this time as he carried her upstairs and into the bedroom.

When Clara woke the next morning, she groaned quietly. She was sore from the evening, which had never happened before. The few times Tom and her had been together, he had always been loving and gentle. Last evening, he had been rough. So rough that she had not only hickeys but scratches and bruises all over her body.

She looked at them as she stared at herself in the mirror before she got into the shower. Tom was nowhere to be found so Clara made her way downstairs where a note awaited her.



Reading the note, Clara smiled with relief. In those words she found the Tom that she missed and she just assumed that last night he was exhausted and that was why he seemed so distant. She spent the day exploring the city, without getting lost and as she got home, she heard noise in the office.

“Clara?”

“Yes, it’s me darling.” She replied, sliding off her coat as she hanged it, just in time to see Tom coming out of the office, glass of whiskey in hand. Clara saw the drink but chose to ignore that Tom was holding it.

“I was beginning to worry about you.” Tom said softly, reaching to brush her hair back.

“I’m sorry, I got a bit distracted. I went to explore London, it’s fantastic.” She smiled happily, making him smile as he leaned down to kiss her. For a moment, Clara was nervous but feeling the tenderness, she relaxed.

“I’m glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself.” He smiled softly, lacing his arm around her to press them close “I have a suggestion for tonight.”

“Oh really?” Clara asked curiously.

“I have an event that my manager wants me to attend and I can take a date with me.” Tom smiled, placing his drink down “It’s a bit of a red carpet sort of event, given that it’s a play premier but it’s nothing too serious darling. I have to give interviews but you are not forced to stand with me when it comes to pictures, though... I would love if you did.”

Clara nodded slowly “Mhm... I don’t mind posing with you but won’t that raise questions?”

Tom hummed in thought and shrugged “It will but I don’t really mind, except if you do. It won’t change anything for you darling and I have no problem telling everyone how much I love my girlfriend.” He smiled, causing her to blush as they hugged.

“If you say so, I’ll gladly pose with you.” She said “But I didn’t bring any dress worthy of a premier.”
“Oh love, no need to worry. I got you covered.” Tom smiled with a wink “Now let’s take a quick shower.” He chuckled, lifting her up in his arms to carry her to the bathroom.

When their driver arrived, Tom was the first to step out of the house in a dashing black Armani suit. He waited for Clara to be ready, beaming as she came out in the dress he had picked for her.

“You look divine.” He whispered as they sat in the back of the guard, her hand resting between his.

“Thank you darling,” Clara blushed “This dress is gorgeous, thank you so much for getting it for me.”

“You’re welcome. I haven’t spoiled you in months, this weekend is my chance.” He said, kissing her hand as they were taken to the theatre.

Upon their arrival, Tom gave Clara a deep kiss, whispering for her not to be nervous. When the door was opened on his side, he stepped out, waving as flashes went all around him. Tom extended his hand and helped Clara out. He knew that there were some rumours surfacing around him but, following his manager’s advice, Tom was taking Clara so that their relationship was made official and he was left a bit alone.

Offering his arm, the couple walked together through the first flashes while Tom took the time to give autographs in such, leaving Clara a bit outside of it for about forty minutes. The young woman tried to be patient but she felt completely lost as she just waited for Tom to be ready to move along.

Barely anyone spoke to her as she stood there and as Tom finally moved along, Clara was a bit struck by the fact that he was rushed along and she had to follow though nobody had told her to. He continued to give autographs and then he moved to interviews. Clara watched him with a certain disappointment. Only three months in and he seemed to be star struck and fascinated with fame all over again.

Tom was perfectly pleasant with his fans and then he was quite charming on his interviews while his girlfriend watched from afar, feeling completely left to the side until he came over when he needed her for the pictures. Without an apology, Tom smiled happily at Clara and led her to where they had to be.

Clara tried her best to smile at the cameras as Tom and her stood together, his arm around her waist. She winced quietly as he squeezed where he had left bruises the night before. After posing for a few moments, they were led inside. The noise was too much to hold a conversation so Tom just led Clara to their seats.

The play had no actors that Clara knew but she enjoyed it either way while Tom held her hand and checked his phone from time to time. After the play was over, Clara was hopeful that they’d head home and have a calm evening but Tom had another idea: going to the after party.

It was clear that he’d go even without her to Clara ended up caving, in order to spend more time with boyfriend because she was leaving the next day on the 6pm train.

When they arrived at their car, Clara noticed that more people were coming along and Tom quickly did the introductions as they were taken to the club hosting the party. During the first hour, Tom and Clara had a couple of drinks together and danced but, after she returned from a short trip to the ladies room, she was shocked to find Tom at a corner in a circle of people.

He was usually the life of the party, she knew it but he wasn’t dancing. As she approached, she grew pale and she tried to pull him back from the group.

“Tom, what are you doing?” Clara asked firmly, noticing a girl in the group do a line of white powder, possible cocaine.

“Just having fun baby.” He said, his voice getting drowsy from the alcohol, he had obviously had a couple of shots while she was gone.

“Drugs are not fun. Darling, you’ve left this behind. Please let’s go home.”

“No.” Tom replied sternly as he pulled back from her “I don’t obey you or anyone. If I want to do drugs, I will. If I want to drink, I will. Nobody has stopped me before. Just leave me alone, my love.” He said the last word with clear mockery as he joined the circle, doing a line when his time came. As he inhaled the powder, he groaned with pleasure, turning to face Clara.

She had tears in her eyes, realising that her worst fears were coming true in a way that she had never expected. She was losing him to his addictions again and this time she knew and she had no idea of what to do.

From then on, Tom ignored Clara’s presence at the party and, against her better judgement, she left. She took a cab and went back to his place. She took off the dress and cried as she undid her hair from the up-do she had spent hours perfecting. She wanted to call Nana but it was too late in the evening.

She knew that the dress was a present but seeing that the cost of that dress, of that flat and of Tom’s career was his return to a bad path, disgusted her, so she left it at a corner. She changed into her nightgown and it took everything in her not to just pack and leave. She was beyond disappointed and desperate. Tom had promised that it wouldn’t happen, he had led her to believe that he was strong and that he wouldn’t fall for it again but he did. In only three months he had returned to the drugs and to the alcohol and Clara felt like it was her fault. She had encouraged him to try and go back to doing what he loved.

“Stupid... so fucking stupid.” She murmured to herself as she cried, sitting at the couch as she waited for him to get home.

A couple of hours later, Clara heard the door opening and Tom stumbled in, bumping into things as he tried to be quiet and failed. Seeing her in the living room, he smirked and motioned for her to come closer.

“Let’s go to bed love.”

“I’m not sleepy, you go.” Clara replied, not looking at him.

“Are you mad at me? Baby... it was just a party.” He said, walking into the living room, resulting for Clara to stand up.

“Just go to bed Tom, you’re a mess.”

Groaning, he looked at her without a blink “Even you Clara? Out of everyone, you are the one that never judged me and you’ve always supported me. You were the only one to tell me to get back here and be an actor but I knew! I knew you’d have to join them!”

“Keep your voice down.” She said seriously “Go to bed, you’re not making any sense.”

“Stop bossing me around!” He yelled, throwing a jar at the floor as he approached her, making her dodge him by going to the opposite side of the room.

“Tom, stop that, you’re scaring me.”

“Scaring you? Oh but baby you weren’t scared last night were you? You weren’t scared while I fucked you and made you scream.” He snarled “But maybe that’s what you need. Come here darling and let me give you another nice fuck. Perhaps you need it harder.”

“Don’t!” Clara yelled, escaping him as he tried to grab her and she fled to the guest bedroom “Don’t touch me!” She cried, locking herself in.

Reaching the door, Tom pounded at the wood with his fist “This is my house Clara!” He yelled, pounding harder but hearing no response, he began to grow emotional “Baby... baby, I’m sorry. Please open the door.”

Clara stood on the opposite wall, clenching her fists as she cried angrily, keeping herself from opening the door. Not only the next morning, not until he was sober and she could leave.

“Baby... Clara, please. I love you. I love you, open the door.”

Tom kept begging for a while longer before he cursed and went to his room. The moment his body hit the bed, he fell asleep. On the other room, hardly barely got any rest as she planned to leave right the next morning. This was too much for her.