I Don't Want the World to See Me

During the first week of Tom’s staying, he was mostly a stay at home guy. He would stay in and listen to music, relax, paint, read but most of all keep himself out of contact with the outside world. He would only turn his cellphone to call his mom and assure her that he was fine but then he would turn it off. He would not pick up Luke’s calls or his friend’s calls, he did not want to mark interviews or hear about new projects. He was tired and he needed this time for himself, he needed to be left alone.

He was sitting in the balcony, enjoying the warmth of the sun when he started hearing an excited, youthful voice joined by another soft female voice, both singing. He didn’t have to move to know that it was Clara and the girl from the other day. He smiled immediately, knowing that the favorite part of his day was arriving: to hear them play.

In general, he preferred to hear Clara play, which she did every day, and he would just sit and listen, sometimes he found himself slowly falling asleep given his state of relaxation. He hadn’t found the courage to go to her door and talk to her yet, but he was pretty sure that she had noticed that someone was in the house by now. He just did not know how to approach her and what to tell her.

A soft piano melody filled the air a few moments later and he allowed his weary body and tired soul to fall into a relaxed sleep.

“Come on Jenny.” Clara encouraged as she taught a new piece to the little girl, her voice carried nothing but patience. She knew that Jenny could be a great pianist, if she wanted to, so she pushed her a bit more than she was supposed to.

“But… I’m tired Ms. Jenkins.” The little girl pouted and Clara smiled warmly.

“Alright, let’s have a break for tea.” She proposed as the girl sparkled up and offered to help Nana Jenkins prepare everything.

Nana Jenkins, a 75 year-old woman, stood patiently observing the young man in the Hiddleston balcony. She always knew that Tom was beautiful but he had grown to be impressively stunning and that only brought a grin to her lips. She wondered if Clara had noticed him already when a memory from 10 years ago invaded her aged-mind.

‘ Nana Jenkins was peacefully cooking her dinner when Diane Hiddleston called to give her to give the tragic news. Nana’s son, Clara’s father, and his wife had passed away in a car accident on their way home. Grief took hold of the woman’s heart and she immediately asked about Clara, knowing that she had no siblings. She was reassured that her granddaughter was not alone but Nana immediately packed and said that she’d arrive in a few days to be with her.

When she arrived, she found the young Hiddleston boy sitting by Clara’s bed. She was sleeping with her head in his lap and he was running his fingers, soothing her hair and watching over her protectively. Nana managed to smile.

‘She fell asleep just now Nana Jenkins.’ Tom said carefully as the woman approached and he made no motion to leave.

‘It’s not a problem, darling boy. Thank you for caring for her.” Nana said looking at him softly.

She had always liked him and she needed to see nothing else to know that he was a good boy, a true friend to her Clara.

“I’ll always take care of Clara, Nana Jenkins, I promise.” The young Hiddleston boy said, his bright blue eyes staring right into Nana’s hazel ones.

The woman felt her eyes water up and she believed him without a second glance.

The next day, he left to sleep in his house but he would spend every waking hour with Clara and
Nana knew that he had been vital back that day. Nana had been afraid that Clara would become even shyer and closed in her own world but thanks to Tom, she didn’t and Nana would always be grateful to him.’

Clara took Jenny to the kitchen and found her grandmother staring out the window while waiting for the water to boil.

“What’s so interesting outside Nanna?” Clara asked as she stood beside her grandmother, taking the old woman from her thoughts.

Clara noticed that Nana was observing the young man on the Hiddleston balcony and she felt her heart flutter. She had been trying to get a way to start conversation with him but she had no idea of how to approach him. She wanted to find out if he could tell her anything about Tom but, as always, her shy nature got in the way of her and in all honesty, she was a bit afraid of what she might learn.

“The Hiddleston boy is back.” The old woman replied with a genuine smile as she looked over at her granddaughter. Nobody knew Clara like Nana did and the old woman knew that her little girl missed Tom and wanted nothing else but to see him again.

“What?” Clara asked “Oh no, Nana, that’s not Tom.”

“Yes, it is.” The old woman replied without a moment of hesitation “I’m shocked that you cannot recognize him.” She said coughing a bit and Clara helped her sit down.

“Nana, believe me, that’s not Tom.” Clara insisted and Jenny immediately sparked up.

“Who’s Tom, Nana Jenkins?” The little girl asked as she glanced between the two women.
“Well, Jenny, Tom is a friend of Clara’s.” Nana started “He is a beautiful young man, he must be 31 now. I have known him since he was a child and back then he was already dashing, intelligent, polite and funny.”

Clara chuckled at the ‘Prince Charming’ description and Nana proceeded to tell all about Clara and Tom as kids and teenagers.

“Clara and Tom were inseparable, Jenny, really the closest friends I have ever met. Clara was always very shy but Tom never stopped trying to be her friend and breaking through her shell and he did, not entirely though because Clara never stopped being herself but she was just a bit more at will with him.”

While listening to Nana telling all about Tom’s mischief when they were younger, Clara took care of making tea and snacks but then Nana’s tone got sadder.

“But then Jenny, Tom and Clara began to grow and their lives began to change. Soon enough, Clara was able to make a few more friends and when the summer arrived, Tom brought his first girlfriend for us to meet.”

Clara licked her bottom lip, unable to stop the immediate frown that took hold of her face. That happened years ago but Clara still remembered, too well, the way her heart shrank when she saw Tom with a girl on his arm. Her heart was instantly broken and she knew that she was to blame.

She had spent wonderful summers with him all to herself, they had played together, they had grown together, they had explored all the places together and he was, indeed, the best friend she ever had. With him, she had no fears and she knew that it would just take a bit more for her to stop being so shy with him but when the girlfriend appeared, Clara went back to her ways and completely got herself away from Tom. She started trying to be more sociable with her school friends, not wanting to get herself anymore involved or hurt.

She never spoke to Tom about it and she knew that for the most part, he had found her actions to be strange because they were supposedly inseparable but since he had a girlfriend, his mind was quickly taken off of his best friend, Clara was sure of that.

“His girlfriend was a normal girl, like any other but it was soon over.” Nana continued, glancing at her granddaughter knowing that despite Tom becoming single again, another thing got in their way “But then, it came the time for Tom and Clara to go to college. Tom applied for an Acting college in London and Clara went for our local Conservatoire. During their first year, they still sent letters to each other, they called but then their contacts started to be much shorter and in that summer Tom did not come to visit us.”

Clara nibbled on her bottom lip as she remembered when the Hiddleston’s arrived without Tom. It had been the second time he had broken her heart. Despite everything, she thought that the summer would be something both of them would never skip and clearly she was wrong.

“After that, we barely heard of him.” Nana said sadly as she turned to her granddaughter “And now, Jenny, what Nana Jenkins can’t tell you is what Clara still feels for Tom.”

Clara could feel both staring at her back and licked her lips as she stared at the man in the balcony.

“I feel nothing for Tom. He is just my oldest friend, whom I miss. Nothing more.”

“But it was not always like that, Clara.” Nana Jenkins pressed, seeing her granddaughter tense up as her feelings from years ago came washing over her.

Truth was that Clara had fallen in love with Tom, it was undeniable and in a way everyone knew, including him. Seeing him was the best part of her summer and, despite her shy nature, he had never given up on talking to her and being playful. They’d talk mostly about books and Clara remembered everything single thing they had done together from butterfly picking, to star-gazing, to diving in the beach at night, just the two of them, always the two of them. The inseparable friends. They were so important to each other back then that when her parents passed, the Hiddleston’s travelled immediately and Tom took care of her. That still meant the world to her, it was the last thing she hold onto, to know that, at least at some point, he cared.

She knew that she was not supposed to fall in love and that she was on her way to heartbreak. All of that was behind her now or so she liked to believe.

On her second year of college, she had had a boyfriend, Tom never knew about him because their contact had been lost, but her relationship didn’t last long, it didn’t feel right. She heard through Mr. and Mrs Hiddleston that Tom was delighted and successful back in London and she would smile in front of them but then sulk into tears on her bed, late at night. She missed him more deeply than she ever thought possible and for the first couple of years, it was very hard for her to deal with his absence and with the fact that she felt like he had abandoned her. As time passed and with Nana’s condition worsening, Clara focused mainly on her but Tom never really left her mind or her heart.

“I know… But that’s over now, Nana. I might never see him again.”



“Have you talked to Clara yet, dear? Or to Nana Jenkins?” Mrs. Hiddleston asked as Tom spoke with her on the phone while glancing out the window, absently setting his blue orbs over the Jenkins house.

“Not yet, mum. I haven’t seen neither of them yet.” Tom said, covering the truth. If his mother knew that he hadn’t gone to greet Clara, she’d lecture him and he was in no mood for that.

“Make sure that you do sweetheart, you’ve been there for a week. I’m sure that Nana Jenkins will be thrilled to see you and Clara can cheer you up. You can recall your memories. Oh I wonder if she still has that crush for you!” Mrs. Hiddleston chuckled but Tom remained silent.

Clara was adored by the Hiddleston family and when everyone noticed that she had a crush over Tom, they erupted into giggles and teased him to no end, which didn’t help the situation. What they all failed to realize was that Tom was madly in love with Clara as well. He loved everything about that girl but with his family’s constant, yet playful, teasing he ended up being too embarrassed to be normal around her like he used to.

After that, he met someone else back at home and she became his first girlfriend. He always thought that Clara would be his first, it felt right but it didn’t happen and he regretted it a bit. He wished that he had been braver back then but instead he introduced the two girls and he could see, perfectly, that Clara felt the same as him and he felt completely heartless. He had hoped for the summer to be just like any other but of course it wasn’t and it was his fault. Clara went back to being very shy with him and he knew that he had to step back, he had hurt her enough.

So he told himself that Clara would find someone more suiting for her and he did his utmost to push his feelings away. As a consequence, the minute he got into Acting School, he completely pushed himself away thinking that it was the best for the both of them. Now he had began to think that it clearly hadn’t been.

“Tom? Tom, I was kidding sweetheart.” His mother said with an apologetic tone, knowing that her son was particularly sensitive with words.

“I know mum but I don’t find it amusing.” He said with a sigh.

Now that he was back, a mere glance had been enough for him to know that his feelings had never really disappeared. He still blamed his family a bit for him and Clara not working those years ago, but now he knew that it was in his hands to make everything work. He was afraid that Clara had forgotten about him, moved on like she had all the right to but he also knew that he needed to try or he would blame himself forever for wasting a possible second chance.

“Are you afraid, sweetheart?” His mum asked and he sighed deeply.

“Yes.” He confessed “Do you think that she… that she still remembers me?”

“Of course she remembers you, Tom.” Mrs. Hiddleston replied softly.

“How can you be so sure?” He asked.

“Because out of all the girls in your life, Clara, was the one that brought that sparkle to your eyes, just like you brought a sparkle to hers.”

Tom smiled at that and pulled the curtain softly to see Clara saying goodbye to her little student and then bring Nana Jenkins outside to sit on the porch.

“And do you… do you think that she might still feel the same?” Tom asked as he allowed his eyes to dwell on her.

Mrs. Hiddleston smiled on the other side of the phone. She had always known of her son’s feelings and she realized too late that the family’s good intentions had jeopardized the possibility of Tom and Clara to be a couple.

“Honestly, I don’t know my darling.” She replied softly “But she’s worth the try.”

Tom inhaled and pressed himself to the window, knowing that the two Jenkin’s women were too busy to notice him.

“Thank you mum.” He said honestly when suddenly Nana Jenkins raised her eyes to his window and gave him a knowing look.

Tom gave her the same look and did a small salute. Given that Clara was too occupied reading a book, Nana Jenkins gave a nod of her head towards Tom, pretending to lock her lips. Tom grinned at that and remembered how much of a companion Nana Jenkins had been to him.

‘ “You think she would like that? To watch the sunset?” Tom asked with his eyebrows furrowed.

Nana sighed with a smile and placed her hand on his curly hair before placing a plate of scrambled eggs before him.

“I’m sure young Hiddleston.” Nana replied with a calm smile as she saw him make the decision straight away just by the light in his eyes.

“I’d do anything to see her smile like she used to Nana Jenkins.” He said sadly and Nana felt like melting. The boy was so in love with her Clara, it was beautiful to watch but also it drove Nana anxious that they would not confess their mutual feelings.

Nana pushed her blunt nature down, though, knowing that Clara was shy and that Tom was respecting her space. Nana knew that Tom would have no problem confessing his feelings but he didn’t want to confess when Clara was grieving and Nana only respected the boy more for that. As Tom used to say to Nana, he was needed more as a friend than anything else. And so Nana let him eat and then prepared a few snacks for them while Tom went to convince Clara to go see the sunset.'

All those years back, Nana Jenkins had been the biggest supporter of Tom and Clara as a couple. Nana Jenkins loved Clara for all her flaws and qualities but she knew that Tom was the yin to her yang and she was the way around for him. She believed that Tom would be a good influence on her and Clara would be crucial as ‘the rock’ that kept him not too far from himself.

So Nana actually helped the boy by telling him how to proceed, where to take Clara and so on. On the other side, she would counsel the shy Clara to be more open and not so afraid of her feelings.

Tom was still grateful to Nana and he had a feeling that the woman still supported him so he felt a bit more reassured. Maybe if he took the first step, things wouldn’t go as bad as he thought.

“Nana?” Clara asked as she suddenly looked up from her book and then followed her grandmother’s glance “What’s so interesting there?”

Seeing Clara turn to glance at him, Tom quickly pulled himself away from the window, breathing a bit heavily as his cheeks flushed. He focused on talking with his mother on the phone while trying to take Clara out of his mind.

“Oh nothing, nothing.” Nana Jenkins replied innocently “At least not me.” She muttered to herself, with a smirk.