I Don't Want the World to See Me

Tom had been sitting in the garden for the last two hours now. Mozart was flowing from inside the house and the street was silent. He was abstracted from reality and focused on his painting as he tried to recall perfectly the landscape he was doing. It was from the last time he had been in Ireland and he was thankful for the fact that his visual memory was very accurate. He held Ireland close to his heart. He had been happy and sad there. He had fallen in love and out of love there, while touring with a play but despite his love affairs, the place held a tender spot in his heart.

Suddenly, he heard his stomach growl and he looked at the sun to realize that it was beginning to go down, so it must have been around 4pm. It was winter time so the sun always went down early. He hated to break his concentration but he needed to eat something so he got up and made his way into the kitchen.

Clara whistled quietly as she decided to take a different route home that afternoon and ended up seeing the Hiddleston’s house before she reached her own. As she kept walking, she peeked over their small stone wall and she saw nothing but an almost finished painting, a stool and painting materials resting on it. The man was absolutely nowhere to be found and Clara’s curiosity took the best of her. She silently tiptoed to peek inside and her jaw dropped when she saw the painting more attentively.

“Wow… it’s amazing!” She gasped as her eyes widened.

Then she heard someone clearing their throat and she glanced to her side, a deep blush taking over her cheeks. The man was standing beside her with a mug in his hand, clearly tea, while taking a bite from a biscuit. It was the first time that she was seeing him that close and he was absolutely stunning. He looked a bit like what she imagined Tom to look like: lean, fit, pale, with astonishing cheekbones and with absolutely gorgeous blue eyes. Even still the reality of Tom being that man didn’t strike her immediately.

Tom could not believe his eyes when he peeked from the window of his kitchen to see Clara tiptoeing outside to look at his painting. It brought a wide smile to his lips and he hurried out of the gate, without a second thought. As he approached, his heart began to race and she was too astonished with his painting to notice his presence. When she finally did, she blushed madly and he couldn’t help but to smile towards her.

“Thank you.” He said politely due to what she had said about the painting. He bowed slightly, almost playfully “Are you a fan of the Arts?” He asked, a small smirk playing on the corner of his lips as he realized that she hadn’t recognized him yet. He felt the young, mischievous Tom start to come out as he wondered how long she would take to recognize him.

Clara was too astonished by his politeness and by the fact that they were actually talking, to even realize that she knew the voice better than anyone, and she smiled before replying.

“Not exactly of painting.” She chuckled “I don’t understand anything of it, I can only say if I find it beautiful or not, if that makes sense.”

Tom chuckled and nodded his head, trying to fight his urge to just throw himself at her and hug her “It makes perfect sense. What do you see in this one then?”

“Mostly opposite emotions.” Clara said as she glanced at the landscape and tilted her head slightly, her honest nature coming off in her words “It’s a landscape but the colors are uncommon. The red suggests passion or maybe just a great love while the blue may represent sadness, loss, loneliness and the black… well the black can either signify the end or just a new beginning in the unknown. Overall, I love the painting, it’s beautiful but it seems that the author is a bucket of messed up emotions.” She said slowly setting her eyes on him and when he smiled, she felt her heart beat faster, that smile was so familiar.

“Good point.” Tom nodded his head impressively. She was so right in her analysis, she had no idea. “You speak as an artist, what’s your art Miss?” He asked, knowing the word would make her giggle and it did.

“Music. I play the piano.” She replied softly and his smiled brightened up even more “I would not call myself an artist though.”

“Nonsense.” He intervened immediately “Anyone who is involved in any kind of art, is an artist.”

“Thank you. You remembered me of a friend of mine.” She said honestly as he laughed quietly, knowing that it had been him saying something similar to her years ago.

Her eyes widened as she felt her breath get stuck in her throat. That laughter, combined with those wrinkles and the dimples, was unmistakable. She only knew one person that laughed like that and he was back.

“You are a great pianist, though. It seems that I have finally found the wonderful source of the piano music.” He said as he placed his mug on top of the wall and then saw the shock written over her face. He swallowed the lump in his throat, a bit lost for words as he saw her stand there with her hand covering her dropped mouth, her eyes wide.

“It… it can’t be.” She stuttered as she felt her whole body shaking, it was just too good to be true.

“Clara.” Tom called softly “Clara, it’s me. It’s really me.” Tom said placing his hands flat on his chest as he stepped towards her and she didn’t step back “May I hug you?”

At first she took a step back but Tom kept his arms open, taking a very cautious step towards her.

“Clara, please. I know that it’s not in your nature, but I missed you.”

She looked up at him and saw that there was no deceiving or mischief in his blue eyes, so she nodded her head slowly. Tom’s eyes softened and, the minute he wrapped his arms around her, she shut her eyes closed. She could not believe what was happening, his embrace was still warm, protective and the nice and comfortable she had, returned in the blink of an eye. His hugs always made her feel protected and she missed them. He knew that Clara was affectionate, despite being shy, and he knew that for her to let him hug her was already a big deal considering her nature and the fact that he had been away for so long.

Clara was shaking from head to toe. Never in her right mind she would have the courage to hug Tom but now that he was really there, right in front of her and had asked, she could not find the strength to say no. She needed that hug, so desperately. She had been so angry at him for the first year, she really would not even mention his name but the truth was different.

She had missed him terribly, she had wanted to call him so many times to ask for advice or to know how he was, she had cried so many times wondering if she would never see him again and now he was there. He was finally back and all the anger she had before, all the questions, vanished because she didn’t find them to be the most important. His comeback was the most important and, for once, Clara was proud that her shy nature didn’t hold her back and made her push away too soon.

When she felt him hug her back, she instantly broke into silent tears but she smiled at the familiarity in him. She had been waiting and craving for that hug. Nothing seemed to have changed, however, everything was different. Both of them were different and so were their lives.

On the other hand, Tom was completely out of words to say, nothing seemed right or fit and he was very rarely left speechless. He felt exactly the same as her, though. He had missed her so much more than he had ever realized, until that point. He could feel and see how his absence had hurt her and he felt terrible for it. He wanted to apologize but he wasn’t sure if that was what she wanted to hear so he decided not to do it, at least not so early.

“Clara.” His voice was soft and pure velvet, it had matured and it was the reason why she didn’t recognize it at first but the accent was still there “Clara, please don’t cry darling. It’s me, Tom.”

“You’re back.” She said still in shock as they pulled apart slowly.

He smiled softly and cupped her face in his hands, kissing her forehead deeply. He felt deep within
that he’d rather kiss her lips but he knew that he had to fight that urge, if he wanted her to be comfortable around him again. It would be easy, he was aware of that. Clara blushed madly, the kiss was so innocent and felt that she appreciated it despite the fact that it was unexpected.

“It’s really me, Miss Jenkins.” He teased as she giggled weakly, the word never really failed when he was the one saying it.

“Wow… you’re so different.” Clara said softly as she smiled up at him. “You are taller, leaner and I didn’t recognize you without the curls.”

“I had to chop them off for several roles.” Tom frowned as he pulled his arms up and used his thumbs to dry away her tears “I’m planning on letting them grow again, though.”

Clara stared blankly at him, his cool fingertips felt like heaven against her warm skin but as she came back to her senses and the shyness started to kick in, she fidgeted and Tom knew that he should better stop.

“Have you been here all week? Why didn’t you come and visit us?” She questioned, seeing clearly how bad he felt about it “My grandma will be thrilled to see you.” Clara told him happily.

She couldn’t believe what was happening. After all that time, Tom was back and she was thrilled, more than she expected to be and more than she was showing. Her heart was racing and she had been hugged by him. She missed it more than ever and she could feel her insides tingling and her heart fluttering at how save she always, always felt in his embrace.

Tom sighed and buried his hands on his pockets “I… I’m sorry I didn’t go straight away, I… I just needed to be on my own for a bit.” He explained, leaving so much untold and therefore he was unable to look into Clara’s eyes. If there was something Tom refused to do was to lie while looking into her eyes, he couldn’t do that.

Clara felt her heart rate return to normal when she saw that her best friend had not returned just physically different but also mentally and psychologically different. Old Tom would just tell a joke and go off with but this Tom, adult and mature Tom, looked sad and like he was hiding something.

Something in his eyes was so much sadder, broken, shattered and lonely very unlike his constant happy, hyper and funny nature. As he spoke, and she caught a glance of his dark blue irises, she understood that his return had other reasons than just a vacation.

“It’s all right.” She said softly as he looked up immediately.

He was used to Clara being understanding, caring but, in all honesty, he had been waiting to take hear a sermon, to see her rare bad temper and listen to her being upset with him for not going to her house straight after arriving.

“Don’t worry about it. I forgive you and so will Nana, I’m sure. Would you like to come and have tea with us?”

Tom stood a moment staring at her. In the last few years, he had forgotten that truly kind and good people existed. Clara was one of them and he had never felt more terrible for not making the effort to see her.

He had put work, parties, ‘friends’, girls and so many other things ahead of Clara and he shouldn’t have. While Clara was always there with her smile to welcome him, he knew that with his ‘disappearance’, nobody of the Acting world really cared and he would not be missed, they’d get someone else to occupy his place. He was replaceable in the Acting world but not in the world where Clara was and that warmed his heart.

“I would love to.” He finally replied with a warm smile and Clara smiled back.

“Come on then, Nana is waiting for me and well a surprise will be good for her.” She said taking the first step and he quickly followed beside her both of them just doing small talk, her little giggles filling up his heart.

“Nana!” Clara called when they got in “We have a visit.”

“Who dear?” Nana Jenkins asked as she stood on the doorway of the living room and erupted into jolly laughter once she saw Tom “Young Hiddleston!”

“Nana Jenkins!” Tom greeted happily as he rushed towards the woman and hugged her tight, spinning her softly while Clara hanged her coat, smiling. She knew how her Nana liked Tom and it was adorable to see their reunion.

“Thank you for letting Clara find out on her own.” He whispered to the old woman.

“No need to thank me, Tom.” She whispered back “It’s splendid to see you!” She exclaimed, so that Clara wouldn’t suspect anything.

Nana released him and then looked at her granddaughter who had approached them “Didn’t I tell you it was him?” The woman smirked as Clara blushed softly while Tom smiled widely and stared at her in that way that Nana knew all too well.