I Don't Want the World to See Me

Tom heard his doorbell ring and he groaned shifting his position in bed. It was 9AM and he decided to ignore it, hoping that whether it was the mailman or some salesman, they would give up and go away. But the annoying sound continued and continued.

He groaned as he stood up from the bed and threw a t-shirt on to head downstairs clothed. When he opened the door, his annoyed expression turned into one of surprise.

“Nana Jenkins?”

“Good morning young Hiddleston!” She greeted happily as Tom smiled softly at her but noticed that she was alone. There was no sign of Clara and that made him frown a bit.

“Would you like to come in?” He asked politely as she brought something for him on a plate but it was covered. She stepped in and went straight to the kitchen, she still knew the house well.

“I don’t mean to take much of your time. I just came by to bring you something.” She said as she waited for him and then uncovered the plate, showing several small puddings. She watched his jaw drop, his mouth water and she smiled widely “You look far too skinny and this might cheer you up. You look sad as well, my dear.”

Tom sighed and approached her “Thank you Nana Jenkins.” He said as he wrapped his long and slender arms around the older woman. He felt her hug him back.

“I don’t know what happened to you,” She whispered to him “But we are here for you. You are still very important to me, to Clara, you can count on her.” She told him as she pushed back and placed her hands gently on his face so that he would bend down “I’ll send her later to get the plate.” She smiled and kissed Tom’s forehead lovingly, like a grandmother would do.

He watched the woman leave and sat in the kitchen table, eating one of the chocolate puddings. Nana had fairy hands for cooking and she had left him thinking. He had not opened up to anybody but Luke yet and not even Luke knew everything Tom felt and experienced while an Actor in the industry. He remembered Nana’s words and couldn’t help but to smile as he remembered how much he trusted Clara when they were younger.

She was his best-friend in the whole world and, despite the years and the girlfriends, Tom had never trusted someone like he had trusted Clara. The fact that they grew up together and that he was there when her parents past away, bonded them more deeply than he had ever realized. Now that he was back, he wanted to somehow bring back that friendship, that companionship and, above all, he wanted to be with the person he loved.

For the past few days, he had been wondering if Clara’s feelings matched his but there was no way to know. If they were there, they were locked but Tom tried to push his romantic thoughts and needs behind. Before anything, he needed to be close to her again and to do whatever he needed to do to trust her again and to earn her trust.

Clara smiled lightly as her fingers danced around the piano keys of the fancy café. She played there about 3 times a week and it was a pretty nice source of income.

“It sounds especially soft today, Clara.” Anthony, a waiter, commented as he stopped near her. The café was a bit empty so he could afford to start up conversation.

“Thank you Tony.” Clara said gently as she continued to play.

When she played, her mind wandered into her own world and she completely forgot about the people around her. She always missed to see how Tony admired her not only for her piano playing but also for how she dedicated herself to take care of her grandmother.

They had become friends when Clara drove away from Tom but Tony knew nothing about Tom or his sudden reappearance in Clara’s life, despite them being friends for years now, Clara was never able to trust someone like she had trusted Tom.

As Tony went off to attend to the new clients coming in, Clara’s mind drove towards Tom almost naturally. She felt so happy to have him back but also confused and a bit fearful. She was afraid to get used to his presence and then to see him leave again, she was not sure if she could live through something like that again.

She wanted to spare herself from the pain. In all truth, she still loved him and, somehow, she knew that she always would but she could not force those feelings on him. She had to respect the fact that Tom saw her as a friend and nothing more.

Despite her feelings, she just wanted to sit down with him and talk. She wanted to know what had happened during those 5 years but her biggest concern was to find out why he looked so sad. He smiled but it wasn’t the same smile. His eyes didn’t sparkle.

He was different and she wanted to know why. She just didn’t know how she would get the courage to ask him.

When she finished her last song, she received a few applauses and stood up to gather her things and leave.

“See you Friday?” Tony asked as he stopped near her with plates in hands.

“As always, Tony.” Clara smiled as she waved at her colleges over at the bar and then left the building.

While she checked her phone, she noticed that Jenny’s mother had sent her a text, warning her that Jenny was sick so she was staying home. After texting a short reply, Clara went home aware that she didn’t really have anything else to do but house chores and dinner.

“Nana, I’m home!” Clara announced but she was met with silence “Nana!” She called louder, knowing that her grandmother’s hearing wasn’t the best anymore.

She made her way into the kitchen, where a note was lying on the table.



Nana… Clara thought as she shook her head. She had heard Nana baking last night and she knew that the home had some plan in mind and it was finally being put to practice.

Clara heated up the plate with Shepherd’s Pie and sat on the couch, watching a random thing she caught on TV while trying to calm her accelerated heart. Just the thought of speaking to Tom, made her heart race and she felt like a teenager all over again.

She shook her head He’s just your friend. Get a grip!

After washing up her plate and cleaning up a bit around, she finally got the courage and made her way across the road to knock on Tom’s door.

Tom had been anxious all day. Ever since Nana left that he found himself eating pudding like crazy and he felt instantly guilty, he would need a good run tomorrow. He sat in his living room reading ‘Into the Wild’ when he heard a soft knock. He tensed up immediately as he stood up and took a deep breath.

Act normal. It’s probably just Clara, your friend. Your friend, who you happen to love but… but that doesn’t matter right now! Just open the door and act normal.

He made his way to the door and when he opened it, he found a shy smiling Clara standing outside. When she noticed him, she looked up.

“Hey Tom.” She greeted.

“H-Hi.” He blurted as he smiled nervously at her while he felt heat rush to his cheeks. He immediately felt stupid.

“I’m sorry if I interrupted anything,” She started as he softened just a bit, she seemed to not have noticed his nerves.

“It’s fine. I was just… reading.” He said showing her his book and she smiled instantly.

“That book is pretty good.” She remarked, relaxing since the subject was something she had an opinion about and it brought familiarity to her, so she spoke easily of it “The movie is brilliant as well, Eddie Vedder gives it the genius touch needed.”
Tom stared at her curiously and smiled widely. When Clara got to talk about things that she loved, the sparkle in her eyes was beautiful to see.

“Oh forgive me!” He said a bit gawky as he noticed that she’d been standing outside while he stood by the door, blocking her access in “Please, come in.”

Clara stepped inside, trying to ignore how her body was shaking and her knees turning to jelly. Tom led her into the living room and set his book down on the coffee table.

“I bet that you are here for the plate?” He asked knowingly.

Clara nodded her head and he quickly made his way back to the kitchen to get the plate that he had washed and cleaned up himself.

“Give a big thank you to Nana for me, again. It was very sweet of her.” He said truthfully as he extended the plate.

“I will, don’t worry.” Clara promised as she grabbed the plate and, for that small moment, when both were holding the plate at the same time, their eyes locked.

Tom’s breathing got slower while his heart pounded in his ears. Her hazel eyes looked so light and pure that he felt himself leaning in involuntarily. Clara’s eyes widened as she stared at the most beautiful man she had ever seen. When she felt him lean in, she tugged on the plate and pushed back, taking a step away from him.

As much as she loved him, she needed to know if she could trust him again. She had to fight her nature of letting him into her heart so easily. She needed to be sure that she wouldn’t get hurt again.

Tom blinked and straightened up. He understood that he had almost stepped over the line and he gave her an apologetic smile.

“I just probably leave, you must have things to do.” She said quickly as she moved towards the door but he quickly turned, wanting her to stay so they could talk.

“Actually,” He started, getting her attention back to him “Would you like to stay and have a cup of coffee?” His tone was almost pleading and a bit humiliating.

Clara could see that his intentions were good and she smiled, this was the opportunity she had been craving.

“Do you have butter cookies?”

Her question made him furrow his eyebrows but he shook his head.

“I’ll be right back then.” She said as she opened the door and crossed the road towards her house.

Tom smiled widely and rushed over to the kitchen to make some fresh coffee, wanting to have it ready by the time that she was back. She took only a few moments and when she returned, Tom was standing by the kitchen table, pouring hot coffee into two mugs. The smell of caffeine brought a smile to Clara’s lips and she sat down.

“I can’t believe that you still eat that.” Tom teased as he recognized Clara’s all-time favorite biscuits.

“Of course I do. They are my favorites.” She replied as she poured exactly three spoons of sugar into her coffee and began to stir while Tom sat in front of her.

“And you still share them with me. I feel special.” He chuckled as he took a bite out of one. The flavor brought back numerous memories and he smiled widely towards Clara. “So tell me…” He spoke in between bites, deciding to start conversation “How is your life going?”

Clara gave him a surprised look at how direct he was but she cleared her throat before speaking.

“Normally, like you’d expect from me.” She replied simply, giving him her familiar smile. Clara wasn’t the most exciting of people, she knew that. Nobody expected her to do something grand and she was fine with it.

“You haven’t changed a bit.” Tom remarked, his thoughts coming from his mouth and he blushed slightly, quickly wanting to get for her to be the center of the conversation again “I am sure that there is something interesting happening. Tell me. I want to know.”

Clara gave him a long glance, his tone transmitted honesty and the fact that he was interested in her life, made her smile. For a long time, she had doubted if he cared for her, if she would ever be worthy of his attention and apparently those two things were true and happening.

“Well, I currently tutor three children. I teach them how to play the piano, I’m sure that you have heard.” She chuckled as he nodded his head with a sweet smile “I also play at a café about three times a week, it depends on the other pianist but we split the week amongst ourselves.”

“And what about your piece?” Tom asked curiously.

Clara’s jaw dropped “You still remember that?”

“Of course! It was one of the most beautiful things I heard you play.”

Clara blushed madly as she looked down at her coffee. Tom meant her unnamed piece which she had started to compose a bit after she had fallen in love with him. He heard it once, by accident, and he never knew that he was the inspiration for it. Sadly, after her parents death Clara felt too sad to work on the piece and upon Tom’s departure, she completely dropped it.

It made no sense to work on the piece when the reason for its existence was gone. It only brought her memories of Tom, of what they could have been and so she stored it deep into her mind. She still remembered every single note but she pushed herself back from playing the song in her head.

“Did you really like it?” She asked him softly.

“I loved it.” Tom said honestly as he smiled at her.

Her unnamed piece had been the most beautiful piano piece he had ever heard. He often had wished that he had inspired those notes and how lovingly she played them but he had great doubts about it.
Someone or something much more worthy must have been the sources of her inspiration.

“And what about you?”

Tom blinked as her voice brought him back from his thoughts.

“Hm?” He asked.

“And what about you? You… You must have exciting things to tell about London and Acting.” Clara asked smiling, trying for her tone to remain calm while she finally found the courage to ask.

Tom saw how innocently her question had been put up and he tried not to darken too much. At this point, he associated Acting and London with disappointment, exhaustion and even anger.

There, close to her and in his vacation house, he felt himself being able to relax, to be at peace and for now, leaving wasn’t an option.

Tom’s eyes sparkled as he spoke of his first audition, of the many refusals he had and how he managed to get his first role. He told her of his travels through Europe on a theater company and he told her about his ‘golden years’ on RADA but he soon stopped himself. Until RADA he had considered himself happy, fulfilled but the his issues started after he graduated.

He got his first lead role, he fell in love. Everything broke down

“And there’s isn’t that much to tell besides that.” He said, sighing heavily while Clara sipped on her coffee.

She had been smiling the whole time as he told her happy memories but then both smiles faded and she knew that he didn’t want to tell her something.

“You’re not just here on vacation, are you?” She asked gently, watching him sadden with the topic. She had just touched a fresh wound. She didn't mean to get so deep into his life, right at the start but she couldn't help herself.

Tom shook his head, unable to look into her eyes. As much as he needed to talk to anyone, as much as Clara was the perfect person to vent to, he didn’t want to burden her with his thoughts, with his dramas and complications.

The simple Tom was gone. Everything about him was a mess, from his job to his love life and he felt that in the minute he locked eyes with her, he’d burst into tears while begging for her to hold him.

He didn’t really want to do that. He didn’t want to demean himself like he had in the past. He wanted to be stronger, not only for him but, somehow, for Clara. She didn’t deserve to deal with his broken pieces.

“What happened to you, Tom?” Clara spoke softly “You… came back different. You look… sadder.”

Tom looked up instantly, his mouth slightly agape. Somewhere in all those years, he had forgotten that no one knew him like Clara. He had become so enthralled into that fake world that he had forgotten what it was like to be around someone who really knew him.

He gave her a soft smile.

“People change, Clara.” He told her, sadly.

“Not without a reason.” She countered, looking at him seriously.

As much as she was shy, she could not let him escape without explaining himself. She could have forgiven him for disappearing but she could let him slide from telling her what went wrong.

“Clara…” Tom sighed as he reached his hand to rest on top of hers, smiling inside when she didn’t pull away “Not now… it’s… it is not easy for me to speak of what happened.”

“When, then?” Clara asked with concern as she blushed slightly, his hand was so warm and it felt so comforting that she didn’t have the courage to pull away. Somehow it felt right and it was a way for her to show him her support, her trust.

“Soon. I promise.”