I Don't Want the World to See Me

Tom observed Clara discreetly as they walked back to his house after a quick walk to the grocery store. He hadn’t planned to invite her over for dinner so he was a bit embarrassed when he realized that he needed to buy something. Clara was completely relaxed about it and, now, as Tom carried the two heavier bags, she carried just one, while she walked on the edge of the pavement.

“I see that you still do that.” Tom chuckled as Clara looked up and blushed slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“You still walk on the edge of the pavement, foot after foot, perfectly balanced.” Tom smiled “Do you remember how our mother’s used to detest that while you felt like a circus performer?”

Clara chuckled and nodded “I remember like it was yesterday.” She said with a warm smile as she kept going, never losing her balance until they reached his house. Tom pushed the door open and let her in first.

As she walked in front of him to the kitchen, his light blue eyes barely believed what they saw in front of him. Clara had always been beautiful but not the first girl any man would notice. She didn’t have any specific trait, like big breasts or an exceptional round bum and her shy nature often helped her pass by unnoticed. Now, as Tom saw her, she was a picture of perfection. From her hair, to her frame, to the way her hips had shaped with aging, she was as beautiful as ever.

When they reached the kitchen, Clara put her grocery bag down and looked at him, unable to shrug off the feeling that she was being watched as he approached to settle his own bag down.

“Clara, please, sit down you are my guest.” Tom said invitingly, motioning for the kitchen table.

Clara gave him a strange look “But I want to help.”

Tom shook his head and Clara did not insist, so she sat down and crossed her legs, watching his back. He looked absolutely beautiful with short brown hair, his pale skin making his blue eyes stand out. She always knew he would be handsome when he grew up and she had no doubt that he had a girlfriend somewhere in London. She looked away at that thought. Even after all those years, the thought of Tom being with someone else still hurt her but she knew that he deserved to be happy even if it wasn’t with her.

However there was something else making her heart heavy: the lack of that sparkle in his eyes. That sparkle that made her feel like everything was going to be alright some way or another. That sparkle that made her realize that she would succeed no matter what he wanted in life. Something was different and Clara knew that they weren’t as close as they were years ago, so she wasn’t sure if he still trusted her like he used to.

“Clara?” Tom called waving his hand in front of her “Clara?”

She blinked and her hazel eyes looked up. She gave him a shy smile and looked down “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”

Tom smiled gently, restraining himself from reaching his hand and simply stroking her cheek. Being lost in thought was something that she did often and Tom could feel the barrier between them. He wished he knew how to climb it.

“It’s alright.” He said, also keeping back his habit to call every female ‘darling’. He wasn’t sure of how Clara would react and he didn’t want to take any chances.

“Do you want to help me set the table?”

Clara nodded and stood up promptly. She was glad to have something to do other than staring at him while he stared at her. She followed his guiding voice as he told her where to get everything while he cooked their dinner. Tom hadn’t cooked for anyone in a while and he was slightly nervous. This wasn’t exactly a date but he felt like it was.

He smiled a bit at himself, knowing that she couldn’t see it. If this was teenage Tom, he would certain have made a mess already and he felt proud that dinner was actually smelling good and not burning up. He felt his anxiety pumping through his veins, though. He tried to shrug off how he had felt when he saw Tony and Clara but he couldn’t. He wanted to know. He needed to know if she was dating him, if she loved him. Tom needed to know if she was willing to love him or if he had lost his chance and they were meant to be just friends.

Suddenly he felt pain on his finger and as he glanced down at his hand, he realized that he had cut himself. Nothing too drastic, like a finger off, but the cut was large and he was bleeding. Before he could even react, Clara was already beside him, her body tense and her eyes wide.

“Where is your first aid kit?”

Tom stared at the blood, not responding. Clara’s shy nature fell down as she began to truly panic by his lack of action.

“Tom! Where is it?!” She asked, taking him from his trance.

“In... In the bathroom upstairs.” He replied looking at her, slightly shocked as she forced him to sit and then ran upstairs.

Tom sat there, motionless, the pain almost making him numb and then he remembered his little problem. He usually fainted when he saw blood and he hoped that wouldn’t happen now, it would be beyond embarrassing. Then he remembered that it had actually happened once and that was probably why Clara was nearly panicking, she remembered for sure.

He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, she was kneeling by his feet, her hands carefully nursing his finger.

“Don’t worry, it’s not serious.” She said, her eyes attentive as she cleaned the cut, making him hiss as he looked away. He was brave for many things, except this. Actually, they used to joke that when he had a wife and she went into labour, he would be the first to faint.

“T-Thank you.” He said quietly, his blue eyes focusing on her as he watched her.

Her eyes glanced up and their gazes met “Are you alright? I was afraid that you were going to pass out.”

“Like that time when we were 8?”

She hold in her chuckle and nodded.

Tom laughed quietly “I’m fine.” He said as she released his finger and he saw that it was perfectly bandaged up, no traces of blood anywhere and, most importantly, no pain.

“Give me a second and I’ll wipe the blood from the counter.” Clara said as she stood up to wipe it all clean, her adrenaline going down as she began to breathe more calmly.

For a second, she had really feared that he had injured himself seriously but she was glad that it had been nothing. As she cleaned, reality hit her. She had just told him to sit and she had nursed his cut like it was no big deal. But it was. The last time she had done that, they were children and it was there that she knew that Tom had his weaknesses, that he was human just like her. There she had, consciously, decided that she’d always be there for him like he was for her. In a way, by seeing him faint and being given the chance to help, Clara learned a bit more about what love was back then.

How things change... She thought with a sad smile.

Suddenly she felt a presence behind her and when she turned around, Tom was cornering her to the counter. She looked up, clutching the cloth tightly in her hands as his eyes sank into hers. She felt her face blushing as he towered over her but he didn’t move and he didn’t lean in.

Tom was letting his impulses guide him. After all he had done, she had still cared for him and he could not hold himself anymore. His feelings were bursting, she was too good for him but even still, he couldn’t stop loving her and wanting her. With a boyfriend or not, he wanted to kiss her, at least once. He had to know what her lips felt like, he had to see how she would react. He had to know what it would feel like to have her as his, even if it was for a second and even if he got slapped because of it.

“Tom?”

He saw the confusion in her eyes and as he cupped the side of her face with his healthy hand, Clara dropped the cloth. Her heart started to race and she wasn’t able to believe what her gut was telling her. Her cheeks flustered when she felt his warm hand and when he leaned down, she thought she was going to either faint or run away.

None of that happened. Instead her eyes fluttered closed and she felt slightly dizzy when she felt his lips press to hers. She could almost feel her whole insides wanting to burst and Tom felt the same. A sudden rush of adrenaline went over him as he pulled her a bit closer and, since he noticed that she wasn’t pulling away, his lips pressed more deeply to hers. They had both been waiting for that kiss for years and now that it was happening, none of them could believe it.

Despite being able to relax, it took no time for Clara’s self-consciousness to kick in and she pulled away abruptly, ruining the kiss. Tom opened his eyes immediately and they were wide and confused, staring at her. He had assumed that she was enjoying it, like he was, but the look on her face made him regret what he had just done.

“I... I’m sorry.” She said quickly as she began to move out but Tom got a grip of himself and went after her, grasping her wrist before she could step out of his door.

Clara stopped dead on her tracks. She didn’t know what she was doing but she felt very embarrassed and humiliated. That kiss had been the best she had ever had but she was afraid to get hurt again. She was afraid that her ‘perfect’ Tom existed no more and that she was tricking herself again into believe that he loved her and that that kiss meant nothing more. To her it meant the world but to him? She was not sure.

“Clara.” He called softly “Clara, please. Let’s talk about this, please look at me sweetheart. Please.”

Clara took a deep breath, the word ‘sweetheart’ hitting her like a ton of bricks along with the pleading. It was the last thing he had called her on the last letter they had ever exchanged and it made her heart ache.

“Don’t call me that, please.” She said quietly, pulling her wrist free so she could cross her arms over her chest but she didn’t turn to face him because her eyes were watering up.

Tom tensed up and cleared his throat “I... I am sorry.” He said, observing her closely, wanting to face her but he would not force her “I... I was impulsive and I... I thought that you were enjoying it... like I was. Are you reaction like this because.... because you are dating that guy Tony? Are you in love with him?”

Clara felt the first tear roll down her cheek. How could he be so utterly blind? She got the hint of insecurity in his voice, the need to know and she felt like turning around and kissing him again, so he would know that he was the only one she loved. But she didn’t and cursed herself for it.

“I’m not dating anyone and... I am not in love with him either.”

Tom felt his heart twisting. Relief washed over him but also guilt. He preferred to have given her the time to tell him, instead of kissing her and then asking. Clara was too much of a good person to leave him without a reply, he had been weak and he had hurt her again. He felt like he was nothing but a mess and he still stepped closer, placing his hand upon her shoulder craving for any kind of touch.

“Clara.... Clara, you are my best and more important friend.” He started, feeling his own eyes water up. The amount of honesty in those words almost killed him, they were true but they were hiding something much more meaningful. “I... I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I’m such a mess. I’ll apologize a thousand times if needed.”

Clara’s hands closed into fists and she stood quiet until she was sure that she could speak.

“Stop. Stop please.” She said “Stop apologizing.”

Tom’s grasp on her shoulder tightened and she turned suddenly. He saw her tears and paled.

“Do you have any idea of what I felt when you disappeared?” She exploded, her eyes a light hazel colour as she stared right into his soul. She could not believe what he was doing, how he had dared to mention that she was his most important friend and now she was about to tell him everything.

“D-Disappeared?” He stuttered.

“Yes, Tom, when your career, your London friends and everything else became more important than me and this place.” Clara said, the tears streaming down but she didn’t stutter for once in her life. It was slowly killing her to speak to him like that, but now that she had the courage, she wasn’t going to stop “It made me feel like you didn’t care, it made me feel alone.”

Tom straightened and felt his heart drop. His fears had become true. He had hurt her in the past and it made him feel bad about himself, he felt even worse than before actually. He had done many mistakes in his life, hurting Clara was one of them and she did not deserve it, she ended up suffering the consequences of his London phase. He didn’t know how to forgive himself or how to get her forgiveness.

“Clara... I...”

“You have been my best friend for years and like everyone else... you left. I let you get close like I never let anyone else. Can you imagine how that made me feel? It was like I was a little girl again. I thought I’d never see you again and... here you are. I am so happy to see you, happier than I can express but you are different and so am I. I am a mess too. I am such a big mess Tom.”

He shook his head “No. No, you are not. You are... You are my safe haven. You have always been.”

He saw how her eyes seemed to widen and he knew that he had to tell her why he was back.

“I didn’t come back just because by coincidence.” He said as he fought his urge to grab her hands “I came back because...” He widened his eyes when he felt her hand on his lips.

“No. Not like this.” Clara said quickly, her heart racing. She was about to know the truth and yet she was stopping him because it didn’t feel right and because she wasn’t ready. Whatever had happened it was serious and she was too much of a turmoil about the kiss to focus properly “You are doing this because you feel guilty but no, Tom. I want you to tell me when you are ready.”

Tom saw the intensity in her eyes and removed her hang gently, kissing her knuckles “Clara, I’m ready. I’m ready let me do this.”

Clara gathered what courage she had left and she shook her head, pulling her hand away. “Don’t lie to me.” She said a bit harshly, making Tom swallow nervously. He had almost forgotten her serious side.

“I... Please, you have to let me. Please, listen. Please. I might not have the courage later.”

“If it’s important and you really want to tell me, you’ll have the courage.”

Tom stiffened, his eyes filling with tears. He felt absolutely weak, on the verse of falling to her feet and his craving for touch, for any kind of sympathy was making him sick. She deserved so much better and look at what she had got. A very broken, messed up version of him.

“And... What about... What about the kiss?”

Clara took a deep breath, her body language clearly showing how conflicted she was. She had never been so hard with anyone before and she never thought that she could be with him but, deep down, she knew that she was doing the right thing.

“I’m still your friend and... if you want, we can pretend that it never happened.”

Tom stepped closer immediately “No, no! I don’t want to pretend, I don’t want to forget it. Unless... Unless that is what you want?”

Clara looked up and smiled very softly, almost invisibly “No. That’s not what I want.”

That made Tom feel just a bit better but he did not understand why she was acting in such a way. He was failing to see her feelings and, as much as she wanted, Clara would never have the courage to tell him bluntly. Now that they had kissed, she was even more confused and therefore more scared. In fact, they were both confused and scared.

“What do you want then?” Tom whispered and Clara blinked when she heard a car pulling up. She glanced behind her shoulder and saw Jenny’s parents. She had forgotten that they were coming over to discuss the details of her performance at their anniversary.

“Tom, I need to go. I’m sorry.” She said sadly. She had never felt so awkward in her life before.

Tom nodded and forced himself to smile “It’s alright, Clara. I... I will see you tomorrow?”

Clara glanced back at him and nodded, taking a step back “Yes, you can go by any time you see fit.” She said, her stomach twitching and turning as she wished she could kiss him again.

“Can... Can I at least hug you before you go?” Tom asked a bit shakily, desperate not to let her leave without attempting to make things right. He knew that hugging wasn’t the way but it would make him feel more comforted.

Clara felt her heart melting as she nodded with a little hesitance. Before she could move, he was already enveloping her in his long arms. She laced hers around his waist and she bit her bottom lip to try and ignore how he was shaking. He held her tightly to him and rubbed her back, but she couldn’t relax. She thought the hug would help but it only made her more nervous.

When Tom released Clara, he looked straight into her eyes and for a moment they got lost in the memory of their kiss. What they wanted was right in front of them but their demons and ghosts were between them and neither of them knew what to do to climb each other’s walls and tear them down.