I Don't Want the World to See Me

Tom hardly slept that night. His head tormented him with memories and he ached to see Clara, to just have her allow him to hold her. That would be enough for him to relax. His lips seemed to throb for hers, he craved for more of that kiss but he was trying not to get his hopes up. He knew that he had almost ruined everything that night.

While he turned and rolled in bed, Clara sat in the bedroom of her floor. Jenny’s parents had left about two hours ago, Nana was sleeping and she was going over her boxes to look for her sheets of music. They wanted classical romantic pieces played so Clara was searching to see what she had. She had been asked to play, mostly, and she had a rehearsal with the violin girl the next day at the venue.

Clara tried her best to keep Tom out of her mind but as she picked up an old sheet of music, she felt her heart shrink and her eyes watered up as she recognized her own writing. ‘For Thomas’ was written with black ink at the top of the page and under were the first notes of the melody she had been composed for Tom. It was her most beautiful work, she knew it, but it was unfinished. She had never have the courage to even pick it up and after the events of the evening, she quickly stuffed back into the box and put it back.

Then she began to cry. There was nothing that she wanted more than to finish that piece and be able to be honest with Tom. She just wanted to be happy and, so far, she felt like she had never been truly happy. She started to sob but she muffled it so Nana wouldn’t wake and come inside her room. Nana’s worries over her granddaughter were not unfounded. Clara had been working her max for the last three years to make sure that Nana could go to a good home, in case things got bad.

Nana was sick, due to her age, her body was having complications, specially her liver and heart, and due to a few family debts, they were cluttered with debt and they were even late on the rent. Clara was the only capable adult so all costs and money depended on her. She did not have a rest, she could not relax and she worried all the time. Despite Nana looking fine, Clara was afraid that her grandma would get worse because the doctors had nothing else to do, so eventually a nursing home would be the only chance. Clara didn’t need any more problems and if Tom meant such a thing, she was ready to be away from him, as much as it hurt her.



Jenny watched with sparkling eyes as her oldest cousin spoke to Clara. They were just two years apart and both experienced musicians. They were planning to have some songs played just with the piano, then some with just the violin and in some cases, combine both instruments and a few others from the orchestra that would be joining them.

Jenny’s parents looked up to no expense for their 10th anniversary ceremony and the venue was also grand and getting beautifully decorated. They were aware of Clara’s situation so they were not only paying her more for playing at the dinner, but also offering to buy whichever dress she wanted to wear. Clara had refused but the couple insisted and insisted until she gave up and she could never thank them enough. Jenny’s parents were really her friends and a bit of what she imagined her parents would be like.

After rehearsing for about four hours, Jenny’s cousin left and Jenny went over to Clara with a bright smile.

“Are you bringing a date to the wedding?” She asked as Clara helped her site beside her on the piano bench.

Clara sighed and shook her head “I don’t think so.” She replied a bit sadly, knowing that there was only one person that she really wanted to ask but she would never have the courage.

“There is someone that you could ask.” Jenny said innocently, swinging her legs back and forth as she stared at Clara and then at the piano keys.

“Really? Who?” Clara asked with a little sigh.

“You could ask two boys or be asked by them: Tom and Tony.”

Clara glanced at her and did her best to smile “I will probably come alone.”

Jenny leaned her head on Clara’s arm “I will be with you, just in case. I will have a few friends over but I’d never leave you alone.”

Clara smiled at that and offered to drive Jenny home. After dropping Jenny off, Clara needed to clear her head and, what better place than the beach but instead of the sand, the rocky part, which overlooked the sea and since the weather was a bit cloudy, the sea would be either quiet or disturbed and Clara liked both. That place reminded her of Tom but she ignored the memories that once made her stomach full of butterflies and she sat in a flat rock, facing the blue immensity of the sea.

She crossed her legs and inhaled deeply, ignoring the possibility of rain, as she observed the waves and heard their majestic sound as they clashed against the rocks. As she got out of her thoughts, someone started to approach. She only heard the steps when they were really very close and as she turned, her face paled.

“Please, please don’t go.”

Clara blinked as she stared at Tom, who stood there looking like he hadn’t slept or eaten. He looked tired, like he had been running but his eyes were sparkling at the sight of her, looking impeccably simple yet beautiful. She had never heard him beg with such honesty before and she stood slowly.

“What are you doing here Tom?”

He swallowed hard and stuffed his hands into his pockets very nervously. He felt absolutely ridiculous and embarrassed but he couldn’t stop thinking about her and to see that she still went to the same place after all those years made him smile like a loon. They were so different but they still shared so much, that he suddenly felt hope, a hope he hadn’t felt in years.

“I... I needed to think.” He replied, his smile not fading as he watched her attentively, wishing that he could just apologize and make everything okay. It wasn’t that simple though.

Clara nodded “I see.” She said a bit awkwardly, feeling her heart racing “You... You can sit with me, if you want. Or I can just go.”

“No, no!” He exclaimed, getting closer to her “Please no. I’d love to sit with you.”

Clara nodded slowly and sat back down, waiting for him to sit beside her. Silence ensued but she needed to know what was wrong. Despite the kiss last night, her feelings hadn’t really changed. She was still in love with him, maybe even more now that her feelings were matched but she was afraid and she didn’t know how to overcome that. Not without him.

“Are you alright?”

Her question nearly made him jump in his seat as he glanced at her. He knew that he looked terrible and there was no use in lying to her. She knew him like nobody else.

“No... Actually, I haven’t been alright in a long time, Clara.”

“I know. I saw it right when we met again. Your eyes... they are different.” Was that she mastered to say, wishing she could comfort him or do anything to help but he looked so broken, so helpless and she felt useless.

“You know me well. You always have. Nobody knows me like you do, Clara.” Tom smiled honestly “But, please, don’t blame yourself for not knowing or for asking.”

She glanced at him and she saw the world’s entire sadness in his eyes. His lips were twitched into a smile though.

“I have been gone for a long time and... there is so much I want to tell you, so, so much but... I am broken. I am afraid.” Tom said honestly, feeling that with her, he didn’t have to be afraid to be honest, to show weakness. He felt that Clara wouldn’t judge him or find him less of a man for his vulnerability.

“Can you... Can you give me time?” He asked, with a begging tone “I know I said this yesterday but Clara... I trust nobody like I trust you and I... I want you all that happened and nobody else.”

“You have all the time in the world.” Clara said softly, wanting to desperately spill her feelings for him next but she didn’t. Something was upsetting him and she felt like he needed space to be comfortable before she finally gathered the courage to tell him that she had always loved him.

Silence took over again. Tom wanted to speak, to confess his sins and be released just by the fact that he was telling her the truth but, once again, he betrayed himself and changed the subject.

“Nana showed me the fancy invitation you got for Jenny’s parents birthday.”

Clara smiled softly “I was practicing for it today, actually.”

“They are lucky. It will be a beautiful celebration and your music will make it magical.”

She blushed softly and he reached over to gently pull a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“You are too nice sometimes Tom.” She said, trying to hide her embarrassing blush, he had never complimented her like that before.

“You still confuse my honesty with niceness. I meant it. You are a really fantastic piano player Clara and I hope that they let you sing as well.” Tom said, biting down on his lower lip “I would love to see that...”

Clara smiled softly and felt a sudden courage fill her chest “Actually... I am going to sing as well and there is a way for you to see it.”

Tom glanced at her, his eyes bright. Nana had told him that she had no date for the wedding and that relieved his mind somehow, at least she wasn’t taking Tony and there was always a chance that she’d ask him. If she did, he would be over the moon.

Clara swallowed hard, seeing how he watched her and she looked away with a heavy sign.

“Would you... hm...” She stopped, nibbling on her bottom lip nervously “Would you be interested in hm... Tom, I-hm...”

Tom smiled softly and touched her hand gently “Clara, we’ve been friends for years. Don’t be nervous around me, ever. Or at least try not to be.” He said, attempting to sooth her despite his own hand being sweaty, he was also nervous. He had started to think that the kiss had been a wrong move but she hadn’t pulled completely away, so he wasn’t feeling completely guilty or horrible, and he didn’t want to apologize either.

Clara took a deep breath, feeling her heart beating so fast that it could rip her chest in half, at least it felt like it. She glanced into his eyes, wanting to be able to do this. She wanted to be able to do something as simple as to invite him to go with her, she needed to overcome this fear and her shy nature. She wanted to.

She focused and opened her mouth, taking a bit to find the right words.

“I... I am allowed to take someone with me to the wedding, a d-date,” She started, her hand raising to scratch the back of her neck, she felt the need to keep her hands busy but she hardly felt natural or comfortable as she spoke “And I was wondering if... if you’d like to go with me.”

“Yes!” Tom blurted, making her soft hazel eyes widen a bit and then he smiled warmly towards her, knowing that this had been a great step for her “Yes, Clara. Yes, I would love to go with you.”

“R-Really?” She asked in pure amazement.

“Yes, of course.” Tom said honestly, his hands taking hers gently and protectively but he didn’t kiss them, he controlled himself “I wouldn’t miss the chance to hear you sing and play for anything in the world. I truly miss it and I’ll look dapper, I promise.”

That made Clara chuckle. She knew that when it came to beauty, he’d attract some female attention and deep down, she hoped that nobody made a move on him or the opposite or she wouldn’t really know what to do.

“Thank you.” She said softly, squeezing his hands a bit and Tom smiled before it started to rain on them.



Nana Jenkins smiled widely as she watched her granddaughter come down the stairs. The woman regretted the money issues they had but she had to admit that Clara had a good eye for cheap shopping and the dress she had mastered to get for the wedding was beyond gorgeous. She hadn’t put a dress on for a few years now and she had even straightened her hair and put some simple yet pretty make up on. Clara liked to feel good once in a while and, subconsciously, the fact that Tom was her date had made her want to look even better.

Tom fixed his tie and brushed back his curly hair before he rang the bell. He fidget a bit on his feet, almost remembering that this would be what he would have felt if he had ever taken Clara on a fancy date or to prom. He had gone with someone else to prom and he regretted never taking the time to take Clara out for something nice. Now that he could afford it, he was going to change that.

When the door opened, he looked up expecting Nana but a whole different sight met his eyes and he gasped. Clara stood in front of her, in the most beautiful attire he had ever seen her in and he was not ready for such a vision. Despite wearing an expensive suit, he felt naked now that they were face to face and his heart swelled. She looked beautiful.

“Clara...” He nearly whispered, his eyes a bit wide as he cleared his throat. She smiled softly, her hazel eyes studying for a minute, taking in his appearance and she sighed dreamily. He looked beyond dapper or handsome, he looked perfect.

“Hello Tom.” She greeted and he smiled, his light blue eyes lightening up even more as he stepped closer and offered her his arm.

“My Lady,” He said gallantly, making her chuckle as Nana watched from the end of the hall.
Everything was finally falling into place.

Tom opened the door for Clara and gladly helped her get her whole dress gathered as she stepped out of his car. He smiled from ear to ear, never feeling so proud to accompany someone before, especially someone so pretty. He felt happy, excited and like he would have a fun time. On the other hand, Clara was beaming. She had always dreamed of having a proper date with Tom and she was letting this one count. Maybe this could lead to more and she hoped that would happen with time.

The little ceremony was being held in an outside space so Clara and Tom sat next to each other in a white bench, squeezing closer and closer as it began to fill up with family and friends. Tom ended up resting his arm on Clara’s shoulder, because it was more comfortable. They looked like a couple to innocent eyes and they were both smiling, they had missed being close like they were before.

Clara smiled the whole way through the ceremony, Tom’s thoughts going elsewhere until he heard her sweet voice calling for him. He glanced down and their eyes met as he realized that people were starting to stand up to head for the tent where dinner was being held.

“I’m sorry. I spaced up. Weddings generally bore me.” He admitted with an apologetic smile and Clara shook her head.

“It’s fine. I know.” She said as she stood up. She fixed her dress and accepted Tom’s arm once again as Jenny came towards them.

“You both look so pretty!” She said excitedly, her light hair bouncing in little curls while she wore a pink, slightly ‘Princess’ kind of dress.

Clara blushed s bit, her fingers pressing a bit more on Tom’s arm as he smiled widely towards Jenny.

“Why thank you Jenny. You look like a Princess,” Tom pointed out, watching the little girl bow nearly perfectly before she went over to the other children “So do you, Clara.” He whispered, watching her pale features heat up with a pink blush. “You look absolutely beautiful.”

Clara smiled warmly but said nothing in return. He had complimented her before, when they were young, but this time she genuinely believed him. There was nothing but adoration in Tom’s eyes and she felt like she had been blessed to be the receiver of that look after all those years and when there were so many beautiful girls around at the dinner.

Tom and Clara sat together and she began to grow a bit anxious about her performance. She spotted the girl she would be playing with and she came over to say hello. Clara introduced Tom as a friend, the words very natural but she saw the younger woman’s eyes go all over him and she smiled way too nicely to him. He simply shook her hand and remained by Clara’s side, starting to get all giddy about her performance.

After a little speech by Jenny’s parents, Clara was called over to start playing and she felt Tom’s lips graze her cheek very softly just before she stood up.

“Go there and do what you do best.” He smiled.

Clara’s eyes sparkled and she nodded, knowing that she’d be playing mostly for him and she knew that it would sound well. Ironically, most of the songs were romantic and after the first two, the couples started to come over to dance, Jenny’s parents being the centre of attention. Tom stood by at their table, his heart swelling as he felt transported to their teenage years.

His eyes filled with tears and he was transfixed. He sighed with contentment, his jacket resting on the back of his chair and his sleeves rolled up as he watched her. He had no doubt now that he loved her, possibly more than ever and he felt so happy for it. He wasn’t afraid anymore, he wasn’t nervous either. He loved her and he wanted her to know about his feelings and about what happened to him. No matter her reaction, that was the natural path of things and, for once, he wanted to do the right thing.

Clara spaced out as she often did and she blinked when Jenny’s parents came over to congratulate her and thank her for the beautiful performance. She hugged them happily, glad to be able to contribute, and she took a bow along with the orchestra and the violin girl. Even before she could look out for Tom, he was already going her way.

“So? What did you think?” She asked a bit anxiously.

“You were absolutely brilliant.” He said, his smiled wide but immensely proud “You played even better than when we were younger and it was beautiful, so beautiful Clara.” He said, kissing her temple making her smile.

“Would you like to get a drink?” She asked, realizing that she had been playing for almost three hours so she needed something to keep hydrated.

Tom nodded and guided her back to the bar, there he started to get fidgety. The sight of all the alcohol was a nightmare to him, he felt his palms sweating and he cleared them on his pants with a stressed look. He knew that Clara drank no alcohol so when she went for the alcohol free ponche, he served himself a glass. She gave him a curious look, since he had been a drinker since he was 16 and suddenly he wasn’t drinking.

Tom sighed, feeling that she had found his choice odd and he knew that he had to tell her. The moment was as good as any.

“Let’s take a little stroll outside? Jenny told that there was a lovely fountain in the gardens.” Tom said, offering Clara his hand this time, hoping not to intimidate her.

“Really? Yes, let’s see it.” Clara smiled, looking at his hand for a moment before she decided to go for it and grasp it. Tom smiled but made no moves to squeeze her hand too tight or lace their fingers, holding hands was already a pretty big step for her and he knew it.

They walked silent but hand in hand to the gardens which were deserted since all the guests were getting either tipsy or dancing. When they found the fountain, both Tom and Clara smiled widely as they took a seat at the edge. They placed their glasses carefully on the floor and while he observed her, she touched the water softly with her fingertips.

“Clara,” Tom called after a brief silence, feeling awful from distracting her since she looked so peaceful but he took her hands and her eyes darted to meet his. “There’s... There is something that I need to tell you. Many things actually.”

Clara nodded slowly “Of course Tom, you can tell me anything.”

He smiled sadly, knowing that what he had in store could change her view of him but he needed to be honest with her. He took a deep breath and decided to take the pludge.

“I’m here because my acting career is over.” He started “It’s over because... I wasted my talent, I wasted myself. I got addicted to things, to bad things, Clara, to... to alcohol, to any kind of alcohol. I would drink a glass of whiskey first just before auditions, to get me relaxed you know? But then it wasn’t enough. As I got successful, I drank more and more often, every day. I needed alcohol to sleep, to perform, to do anything.”

He saw her become pale as he told her about the problems that he got himself into, like his small trip in drugs, to keep the headaches away because of the sickness he would experience sometimes from alcohol abuse. Also, there were the bad companies. He would never feel welcomed anywhere or loved, women only approached to either have sex or get advantaged of his contacts and success but he allowed him because his girlfriend at the time had dumped him and he felt lonely. One day it was too much, though. He nearly died in a hotel room while a girl was pleasuring him and his parents forced him into a clinic while his manager was fired. He had returned to his summer home when he was released from the clinic.

Tom took a deep breath feeling his heart racing but his shoulders were light, lighter than ever before. A headache threatened to come, though, but he ignored the little pain and looked at her intently, waiting for a reply. Any reply. He was overwhelmed when she embraced him to her and he placed his hands carefully on her back. He closed his eyes and pressed her to him, feeling tears burning his eyelids.

“I’m here for you.” Clara managed to say, trying not to be so shy or awkward for once.

Tom had opened up to her for the first time in their lives and Clara was ready. She was finally ready to trust him again, to there for him and to help him, to be his support once more because she loved him. Beyond anything and despite all the twists in her live, there had always been one thing that had never changed: her love for Tom.

“I... I don’t deserve you. I... I’m so sorry for hurting you, for leaving.” Tom whispered, holding her tight as he cried onto her shoulder.

“I forgive you.” Clara said “I will always be here for you.”

“Do you mean that Clara?”

“Yes. I promise Tom.”

He pulled away just a bit, to cup her face and he saw the whole world’s beauty in there. He felt so stupid for having ignored his feelings for so many years when the right person had been there for him all along.

“Clara... Clara, I love you.”

He saw a smile creep onto her lips and tears filled her eyes as she leaned into his touch.

“I love you too Tom. I love you so much.”

He smiled, still overwhelmed by everything and he leaned in. Seeing that she didn’t pull back, he leaned all the way and pressed his lips to her passionately, kissing her like he had never kissed anyone before.