Status: I was bored and wrote this in about half an hour xD
Dear Diary, I'm Gay
1
Dear Diary,
They say you can never have too much of a good thing. They say if you love someone, you should let them go. They say if the going gets tough, the tough get going. Yeah, they don’t really know much. You can have so much of something that seems so perfect to the point you suffocate, and then letting it go just makes it seem you don’t love it. I thought I was tough enough to keep going, but I guess I was wrong.
Society will never truly accept people like me. Your friends are either with you or against you, claiming to support your decision, when really they’re just trying to avoid needless argument. If you’re like me, you’re used to having to hide your feelings. You’re used to the odd looks you get when you can’t. You laugh and shrug it off, but it keeps you awake at night because it hurts. Things are awkward when you’re forced to attend church and you know the priest, and the religion itself, is secretly against people like you.
Now is as good a time as any to say it. If anyone’s reading this, let it be known that I, Felix Wright, am gay. Is it so wrong I fell in love with a guy? He was my best friend; I think I had a right feel close to him. At first, my flirtatious actions made him uncomfortable. When I noticed this, I stopped immediately, even though it made me feel like crying. I spent ages agonising over the fact he seemed to be avoiding me. Had I scared him off? Eventually, he started to talk to me again as though nothing had happened, and that is how we kept it, until a month later.
You know… Today’s our five year anniversary. But I guess it doesn’t matter because he’s not here right now to celebrate it with me. On this day, five years ago, he came to me in tears. We were at our school lockers, hidden away from the classrooms. I didn’t feel like going to class because I knew that I’d ignore the Shakespearean lessons and stare at him. I’m almost ashamed to say it, but seeing him stand there, sparkling tears dripping down his ghostly pale skin, his expressive, jade eyes looking at me with fear and regret, I had to stop myself from screaming how adorable he was.
“River,” I began to say.
Grabbing my hands, he pinned me against the lockers. The shock of this sudden action was enough to block out the pain I was feeling in my back due to hitting against padlocks. I examined his face; beautiful as always. Everything about him was perfect, to his chestnut brown hair in a girlish pixie cut, to his little button nose. It would have bothered me how sad he looked, if only I could have stopped internally swooning over his perfection.
“I can’t hide it anymore, Felix,” he whispered. “I don’t want to pretend I don’t love you, Felix. I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
I figured I was dreaming, and if I was, I didn’t want to wake up. He pressed his lips against mine, filling me with the greatest sensation I’ve ever felt. There are no words to describe the experience. Nothing has ever been better than feeling his warm lips, knowing he finally loved me the way I did to him, despite having shivers running down my spine. I couldn't stop the tears of frustration when he pulled his face against mine after the best minutes of my life. Showing off his sweet nature, he held my face in his hands, drying my tears with more kisses.
We spent the rest of the class period, hidden away from the rooms, enjoying one another’s company, holding hands, hugging and crying with joy.
“River, River, River,” I whispered over and over again.
Had I died then, I would have died smiling like an idiot. Whoever is reading this, I want you to know that River Hill is the sweetest, cutest, kindest boy I have ever met, or likely to ever meet, and I love him with all my heart. He suffered from depression due to the fact when we were around people, we had to act as though we were just ordinary friends. Locking away your deepest feelings in your heart is no simple task, but we’ve managed to get through it.
My parents disowned me a year later when they read our emails. Being highly religious, they told me that pursuing a relationship with someone of the same gender was devious, disgusting, and the work of the Devil. They ran me through the story of Adam and Eve over and over again, to the point I nearly threw up. When I told them that I wasn’t going to give up on River just because they thought I was disobeying their God, they literally threw me out. Having nowhere else to go, I walked all the way to River’s house and told him what had happened.
His parents were against our relationship as well. It seemed everyone we knew was. He couldn’t handle it anymore and as a result we ran away. But no matter where we went, we just received the same treatment. Muttering, strange looks, sometimes even glares. People just can’t understand that love isn’t always about gender. If you love someone, truly, you love them for what they mean to you, for who they are, not because they are a certain gender. Nothing pisses me off more than the homophobic.
Our love remained as strong as ever. We were spending nights awake, lying in each other’s arms, giggling and exchanging stories. I always enjoyed hearing his breathing and heartbeat. Sometimes River got excited and his heartbeat would quicken suddenly, so I always made sure not to cross any boundaries in our relationship. We respected each other like that, even though sometimes it felt like we were just doing what the world wanted us to; to distance ourselves from each other.
This year is the year everything went wrong, the year that will forever be engraved in my heart for all the wrong reasons. River’s sweet heart stopped. The doctor said it was blunt force trauma. I remember saying his name to wake him before turning on the light to the most horrifying sight I’ve ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. Big, red trickles of blood were all over his face, dripping onto his shoulders and the pillows. His beautiful jade eyes were unseeing, a look of terror stuck on his face. I wished he had at least died looking peaceful, but things are never that simple.
Time seemed to come to a still then, but something made me check my laptop. I hope someone’s reading this, because I want them to tell someone what the newest email said.
“Thou shalt not kill, but if you’re going to live a life of blasphemy, my son, I’ve no choice but to kill the disgusting little swine known as River Hill.”
My parents killed my boyfriend, my life, my entire world, the one who knew me better than I did. They murdered him!
I’ve always wondered if there truly is a Hell. Well, only one way to find out. I love you, River.
From Felix.
They say you can never have too much of a good thing. They say if you love someone, you should let them go. They say if the going gets tough, the tough get going. Yeah, they don’t really know much. You can have so much of something that seems so perfect to the point you suffocate, and then letting it go just makes it seem you don’t love it. I thought I was tough enough to keep going, but I guess I was wrong.
Society will never truly accept people like me. Your friends are either with you or against you, claiming to support your decision, when really they’re just trying to avoid needless argument. If you’re like me, you’re used to having to hide your feelings. You’re used to the odd looks you get when you can’t. You laugh and shrug it off, but it keeps you awake at night because it hurts. Things are awkward when you’re forced to attend church and you know the priest, and the religion itself, is secretly against people like you.
Now is as good a time as any to say it. If anyone’s reading this, let it be known that I, Felix Wright, am gay. Is it so wrong I fell in love with a guy? He was my best friend; I think I had a right feel close to him. At first, my flirtatious actions made him uncomfortable. When I noticed this, I stopped immediately, even though it made me feel like crying. I spent ages agonising over the fact he seemed to be avoiding me. Had I scared him off? Eventually, he started to talk to me again as though nothing had happened, and that is how we kept it, until a month later.
You know… Today’s our five year anniversary. But I guess it doesn’t matter because he’s not here right now to celebrate it with me. On this day, five years ago, he came to me in tears. We were at our school lockers, hidden away from the classrooms. I didn’t feel like going to class because I knew that I’d ignore the Shakespearean lessons and stare at him. I’m almost ashamed to say it, but seeing him stand there, sparkling tears dripping down his ghostly pale skin, his expressive, jade eyes looking at me with fear and regret, I had to stop myself from screaming how adorable he was.
“River,” I began to say.
Grabbing my hands, he pinned me against the lockers. The shock of this sudden action was enough to block out the pain I was feeling in my back due to hitting against padlocks. I examined his face; beautiful as always. Everything about him was perfect, to his chestnut brown hair in a girlish pixie cut, to his little button nose. It would have bothered me how sad he looked, if only I could have stopped internally swooning over his perfection.
“I can’t hide it anymore, Felix,” he whispered. “I don’t want to pretend I don’t love you, Felix. I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
I figured I was dreaming, and if I was, I didn’t want to wake up. He pressed his lips against mine, filling me with the greatest sensation I’ve ever felt. There are no words to describe the experience. Nothing has ever been better than feeling his warm lips, knowing he finally loved me the way I did to him, despite having shivers running down my spine. I couldn't stop the tears of frustration when he pulled his face against mine after the best minutes of my life. Showing off his sweet nature, he held my face in his hands, drying my tears with more kisses.
We spent the rest of the class period, hidden away from the rooms, enjoying one another’s company, holding hands, hugging and crying with joy.
“River, River, River,” I whispered over and over again.
Had I died then, I would have died smiling like an idiot. Whoever is reading this, I want you to know that River Hill is the sweetest, cutest, kindest boy I have ever met, or likely to ever meet, and I love him with all my heart. He suffered from depression due to the fact when we were around people, we had to act as though we were just ordinary friends. Locking away your deepest feelings in your heart is no simple task, but we’ve managed to get through it.
My parents disowned me a year later when they read our emails. Being highly religious, they told me that pursuing a relationship with someone of the same gender was devious, disgusting, and the work of the Devil. They ran me through the story of Adam and Eve over and over again, to the point I nearly threw up. When I told them that I wasn’t going to give up on River just because they thought I was disobeying their God, they literally threw me out. Having nowhere else to go, I walked all the way to River’s house and told him what had happened.
His parents were against our relationship as well. It seemed everyone we knew was. He couldn’t handle it anymore and as a result we ran away. But no matter where we went, we just received the same treatment. Muttering, strange looks, sometimes even glares. People just can’t understand that love isn’t always about gender. If you love someone, truly, you love them for what they mean to you, for who they are, not because they are a certain gender. Nothing pisses me off more than the homophobic.
Our love remained as strong as ever. We were spending nights awake, lying in each other’s arms, giggling and exchanging stories. I always enjoyed hearing his breathing and heartbeat. Sometimes River got excited and his heartbeat would quicken suddenly, so I always made sure not to cross any boundaries in our relationship. We respected each other like that, even though sometimes it felt like we were just doing what the world wanted us to; to distance ourselves from each other.
This year is the year everything went wrong, the year that will forever be engraved in my heart for all the wrong reasons. River’s sweet heart stopped. The doctor said it was blunt force trauma. I remember saying his name to wake him before turning on the light to the most horrifying sight I’ve ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on. Big, red trickles of blood were all over his face, dripping onto his shoulders and the pillows. His beautiful jade eyes were unseeing, a look of terror stuck on his face. I wished he had at least died looking peaceful, but things are never that simple.
Time seemed to come to a still then, but something made me check my laptop. I hope someone’s reading this, because I want them to tell someone what the newest email said.
“Thou shalt not kill, but if you’re going to live a life of blasphemy, my son, I’ve no choice but to kill the disgusting little swine known as River Hill.”
My parents killed my boyfriend, my life, my entire world, the one who knew me better than I did. They murdered him!
I’ve always wondered if there truly is a Hell. Well, only one way to find out. I love you, River.
From Felix.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is what happens when I'm bored, huh?