We Only Breathe For So Long

We walked out of the bus and towards the east. There was a mountainous looking place right next to the parking lot. It looked like a small hill in length but a big one in height. As we started climbing, John reached out his hand to me. I took it afraid that I might fall if I didn’t accept his helping hand.

“Where are we going?” I asked, breathing hard.

“You’ll see,” said John through a smirk.

After ten minutes of constant walking and climbing, John stopped. We were breathing fast and my mouth was as dry as a desert by the time we reached the top.

I leaned back against a tree to attempt to get more oxygen into my lungs and calm my fast beating heart. John sat down leaning against the tree too and I followed his actions. The sky was filled with bright dots. In the city, you don’t get so many stars like this. You’d probably think it’s a star but in fact it’d be a helicopter or something. But not here, they were all real and they shone so bright. Even four miles outside of Vancouver, the city lights dimmed the stars. This peaceful and breathtaking scenario made me realize how many things are left in this world to discover. How there were many unknown matters. How I have many questions to be answered yet I found a pathetic amount of answers. Suddenly I felt like I didn’t know anything at all. The only certainty in my life was this moment right now. John was the only thing I was sure of, the only thing I could trust.

“This is pretty.” I said in awe to the beauty of this place.

“Yeah. Peaceful.” John was looking at everything except me.

His face was unreadable in the moonlight. “What are you thinking about?” John’s quiet voice echoed through the silence.

I’m thinking about how much I just want to be in your arms right now and forget about time, I thought.

I dropped my head down slightly in a shy manner. “That’s a very good question.”

“You lost someone, didn’t you?” he said while admiring the sky.

I froze. I didn’t even allow air to enter or exit my lungs. I was dead still and quiet. How did he know?

“I can see it in your eyes,” said John, shifting his attention from the sky to me. “I lost someone too,” he admitted.

At this moment, I had no idea of what to say or do. I wasn’t prepared to talk about this topic ever again. When I talked about it with Eric, it wouldn’t leave my mind for a second. It was like she had passed away a couple of days ago and the emotions were fresh once again. I wasn’t ready to go through that dark place anytime soon.

“Yes, I have.” My voice was blank. There wasn’t one single drop of emotion to it. Gladly my face was hidden by the darkness that hovered this place.

There was a long pause. We were both contemplating the sky. John slightly moved more to the right so he could lie down. As he did so, he placed his left palm on top of his stomach and his right arm was behind his head, supporting it. The moonlight illuminated his face and I could clearly see his eyes now. He was thinking about saying something but he didn’t quite know if he should or shouldn’t. After a long time, his voice echoed through my ears while ceasing the silence.

“He was a jerk,” he chuckled. “He was young and dumb, didn’t know any better. Everything was new to him and he was a step closer from reaching his dream. His schedule was filled with parties to attend and girls to bang. Then again, he didn’t know any better. But then he got the opportunity of a lifetime, to follow his dream. He grabbed that opportunity with both hands without even questioning. He didn’t quite know how he’d make it but people helped him along the way and he grew wiser. He changed. He stopped being an asshole. He started saying inspiring words instead of lies. He changed his appearance, abandoning the long hair and the childish clothes. He grew up, leaving his reckless wishes behind. He did all of that to follow his dream.”

He kept looking at what seemed to be the sky but he was actually staring at the empty air. He was remembering memories from the past that haunted him until today. His eyes were confused; his eyebrows were forming a small frown of confusion. He didn’t quite know how to put everything into words.

“But one thing remained. Not only his appetite for alcohol. His inner-self. The feelings that pounded his head every night before he went to bed. The loneliness,” he closed his eyes for a moment. “The agony inside the walls of his heart because nothing he did filled him inside. No matter how many liters of whiskey he drank, that wasn’t enough to fill him up. No matter how many girls he slept with, it would mean absolutely nothing to him. His lyrics were the only things that kept him going inside. If it weren’t for that, I’m not sure he’d still be around.” His eyes opened once again and he sighed before continuing.

“Once he realized that nothing at all could fill him up, he stopped trying. He stopped looking for something and hoping that whatever could complete him would materialize itself in front of him. That day when a little voice inside his mind told him he would never find the solution to his emptiness… that day was the say where I lost myself.”

His face flushed as he caught my expression, and I felt really sorry for him. He’d gone from being a famous artist touring around the world and doing what he loves most to being a human in search of something to complete him in ten minutes. He knew who he was, he knew he was dying inside with these emotions, and he didn’t understand why any of it had happened to him.

I was at a loss of words. He slowly moved back to his position, leaning on the tree while his long legs were stretched and his feet were crossed. He looked at me in the eyes for the first time since he’s spoken and I just looked at him with the most compassionate eyes. I lay down sideways on his lap. I couldn’t see his face. I could only see the horizon.

“It’s okay.” My voice was nothing but a whisper.

He started playing with my hair gently. Soon, my eyes felt heavy and I couldn’t keep them opened anymore.

This place was incredible. I loved it. I loved him.
It was a total disaster.