We Only Breathe For So Long

The fact that I was by foot did not help me at all. It only diminished my chances to avoid John for longer. I was in a freaking maize and the only way out would be past him and I was pretty sure he would not allow such. As my brain thought about ways to escape, I reached the conclusion that I wouldn’t be able to do so. Instead of panicking, I handled the situation calmly, knowing all I would have to do was ignore him. That would not be so hard since my desire to speak to him was almost dried out. Every time I looked at him all the feelings that kept me awake at night and tortured my mind would return – flooding my system once again. I turned my head to direct my attention to the flowers I was collecting. He took a few steps forwards until he was beside me, watching me.

“C’mon Kylie, you can’t go on with this forever.”

I did not flinch a bit to the sound of his voice. I was getting better and better at ignoring him. I continued to slowly and carefully collect tulips as if he weren’t even there. Through the corner of my left eye, I could see disappointment growing on his face as the silence went by.

“What are you? Five?” His mood grew angrily. He turned away, walked a few steps from me and stroked his hair. “I’m sorry,” he said with his head low. “I just… I just want to understand.”

He turned around once again and got closer to me. “Is this about the call? I know I was an asshole to you and I shouldn’t have talked to you like that but he got to me…” he trailed off, not understanding himself how he was feeling.

I did not know whom he meant when John said ‘he got to me’ and I wanted to ask whom he had implied by that. But I couldn’t. I just remained doing the same action I had been doing for the past minutes. I did not know how long he would stay here and attempt to get a word out from me but this was John – he would stay here until he got a word out from me. I tried to collect the flowers, slow like a sloth. If I finished before he had given up, I would have nowhere to go and nothing to do besides look into his eyes. That was the last thing I would be able to do.

“Are you mad at me?” His voice was pleading.

I almost replied to his question. At first I wanted to throw a rock at him. I have been ignoring him for days. If I weren’t mad, what was I? Fine with everything? What a stupid question! I rolled my eyes at his futile words. I tried my best to cover it up once I had done it but I could not do so. His eyes were on me during every breath I took. There was nothing else to look at besides me.

After I invaded his bus and let my emotions flood out, I hadn’t thought about the matter much. I did not want to. I spent too much time thinking about it when I was lying in my bed, minutes before deciding to go to the bus. When I did that, I was mad at him. Mad because we had spent a lot of time together although we had been strangers from the very start. Mad mostly because after the endless hours feeling like there was a spark between us, he completely pushed me away from him while being rude. All the times we had gone out together, he had found a way to ask me to join him. I wanted to be the one to invite him out for once. As I grew the guts to do that, he turned me down with a cold lie – a lie that he purposely had said. I thought about it as the silence grew bigger and my hands fuller with flowers. I had time to think about it. He wouldn’t go anywhere and I would not say anything until he did so. Was I really mad at John? He did not tell me to think we could be more than friends. Although his actions stated otherwise, I assumed that on my own. My kiss with Eric was a mistake. What if our kiss was a mistake for John? He did not tell me that it was great. Again, I assumed it.

“I’m mad at myself, not you.”

John was surprised to hear my voice. He looked at me as if he was going crazy and he had imagined the words I had spoken.

“I’m mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, for depending on you, wasting my time on you, wishing for you, dreaming of you…” I said, talking more to myself rather than to him.

“But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should… but I just can’t.” I turned my face to look at him and to be sure he was still there listening to me.

He took a step closer until his shoes were touching mine. “I missed the sound of your voice. I’ve missed you.”

I turned my whole body to face him properly. “Missing you isn’t the problem.”

“Then what is it?” His voice sounded hurt.

“It’s wondering if you’ll ever come back that’s killing me.”

He looked at me as if he had lost something. I picked up my bag and started to walk towards the path filled with roses. This time, he did not try to impede me from leaving. He just stood there, speechless. After I took a few steps, he responded to my words.

“I’m sorry that I’m both your umbrella and the rain.” His voice was hoarse. I heard him turning around as his steps made a noise on the grass.

I stopped as I heard his voice, I did not dare to turn around though.

“Kylie, you’re fucking adorable. Your laugh makes me content with myself. Simply seeing you smile makes me smile, and your eyes are so attractive that I find it difficult to pay attention to anything else. But above all, you know how to brighten my day, no matter what. And the fact that you like me back warms my heart. Right now, I just want to wrap my arms around you and never let you go. You make me happy. You truly do. You make me so happy, that I don’t even feel the need to drink to find happiness.” He chuckled as he said his last sentence.

I remained frozen. My feet felt as if they were glued to the grass. Not only did his words travel through my ears but also through my heart. Did I hear it right? John freaking O’Callaghan likes me too? I was too astonished to give him any sort of feedback. I did not know if I should or should not say something back. I decided that we had spent too much time in this park. It was freezing cold out here. Whatever was happening here, right now, could wait.

I continued walking with a smile pressed to my lips.