We Only Breathe For So Long

For an unknown reason, I had wakened up extremely early. I did not have to get out of bed until two hours. I was staring at the white ceiling and the luster in the middle of the room, the crystals hanging in different heights. Two layers of fluffy blankets covered me and I did not want to move at all. This position was comforting and relaxing. I let out a sigh – wanting my exhaustion to depart my body along with it. I felt a little better. I lay in bed, thinking about what had happened yesterday. After several minutes staring at the ceiling, I felt a smile pressed to my lips. I had not noticed it was there until I commanded my brain not to concentrate with various thoughts while staring at empty air. I did not quite know the reason behind the smile. It was a stubborn one. It did not want to leave my lips. I laughed at myself for such a silly comparison. As I grew more aware of the smile, I realized I would not be able to brush it off.

All those times in which I felt down and depressed because I feared rejection was a waste of time. Although John and I were never a couple, I felt as if we were back then. The feelings were as if I was his girlfriend and it was the night of our five years anniversary or something. I held those feelings against him for unapparent reasons. I saw things that weren’t really there. Not only did that cost my well-being but also times that we could have hanged out instead of ignoring each other. Actually, instead of me ignoring him. If I heard correct, yesterday afternoon John said what my mind was incredulous to wonder. And the fact that you like me back warms my heart, he had said. If he said I like him back that is because he likes me too. Yesterday I did not know what to do. He said such sweet words. Words that I had been daydreaming about hearing one day and when he did say it, I did not know if I was stuck in a dream or if it was really real. When I invaded his bus and let out all my old frustrations at him, I indicated to him that I liked him. If I did not like him, I would never have done that. Maybe that was not a mistake after all. Without doing that and ignoring him, I do not think he would open up like that anytime soon. He would bottle it up and tell me through a metaphor somehow. He would choose his words and actions carefully to express his feeling without letting me know he was doing such. There was only one question hanging in the atmosphere – what now?

We both have feelings for each other and that is clearly stated and comprehended. But where do we go from here? Do we just go out for lunch and talk about our wishes and desires? Do we act like a real couple and do a bunch of stuff together while holding hands? I did not know. I wanted to find out soon and deep down I did not care which one it was as long as I got to stay near him. That would be sufficient for me. Well, maybe just for now. I hated being left in the dark and this was one of those moments. I did not know what to expect from now on.

I kept myself occupied with my thoughts to such an extent that when my phone rang and I checked the time, an hour had gone by. It was John. I took a moment before answering. My mind raced as I quickly jumped up and had a mini panic attack. I knew we would eventually talk again but I always hoped I would have more time to elaborate my words. As the phone vibrated vigorously in my hands, I took a deep breath in and answered it.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Mornin’, I hope it’s not too early for me to call.” His voice was apologetic.

“It’s okay, I’ve been awake for the past hour anyways.” I tried to sound as casual as I could be.

“You’re not still mad at me, right?” A tone of worry touched his voice.

“No. You talked to me. I smiled. I laughed, and everything I ever hated about you was forgotten in an instant.”

He chuckled. “I find it amazing how you have been ignoring me for days and I’ve been trying to find a solution to get you to talk to me once again. The solution to the problem was my last option. Something so obvious that I didn’t do earlier, actually talking to you. How screwed up?”

I laughed realizing how true it was. I suddenly felt like a teenager. That is exactly how teenagers act. They fight for unknown motives and always use the best solution for their situation last.

“You didn’t have to come up with a solution. I had to stop being stubborn,” I frankly admitted. “Is that the stereo I hear?”

I could hear a country song playing on the background and for a moment I thought John was in a road trip of some sort.

“Oh, nah. I’m just going to buy, um, some breakfast for the guys.”

“Aren’t you considerate? Most people don’t wake up this time just to buy breakfast for his mates.”

He turned the radio lower and paused for a while, most likely to pay attention on the road. “I’m sure you have noticed that I’m not like most people.”

I sarcastically laughed to attempt to seem as if he were wrong but we both knew he wasn’t like most people. There was a long pause after my laughter echoed through the phone.

“What do we do now?” I asked.

“Well… I continue being a rockstar and you continue doing whatever it is that you do,” he jokingly responded.

“That isn’t quite fair! While you live the life of the rich and famous I got to be the one studying my ass off while earning minimal wage? How does that work?” I played along, grinning.

“Sorry. You don’t choose to live that life, you’re born for it!”

I laughed. “No, really. What are we supposed to do now? I don’t quite know where we stand.”

“I’m guessing you’re in your bed so there you go. That’s where you are standing. Well, sort of. And I’m in my old beauty. This is where I’m standing.”

I chuckled while he laughed for sounding so dumb. “You’re all about jokes today uh?”

“Everyday Miss. You just had been ignoring me to actually notice it.”

“Hm. Good point. You’re safe this time.”

I heard the bell ring and it sounded louder than it usually was. Who would be knocking at my door so early on a Wednesday morning? I never did anything on Wednesdays nor did I expect visitors.

“Hold on, there’s someone at the door,” I told John while walking fast out of my room and towards the front door.

“Be careful, it could be a rapist.” He joked and I rolled my eyes with a grin.

His voice sounded incredibly close. It sounded as if he was standing right outside my…

Door.

I opened the door with the phone still attached to my ear. There he was. His dirty, white pickup truck was distorting the scenery of the garden and front entrance.

“Surprise?” said John with a smirk, still talking through the phone.

I suddenly felt embarrassed owing to the fact that I was in my fluffy purple pajamas and my hair was in a bun that could not even be recognized as one since it was an utter mess. I looked down upon myself while pulling my long sleeve down to cover my hands.

“A little spontaneous, don’t you think?” I asked, hoping my breath did not stink as much as I thought it did.

“That’s the beauty in life!” he smiled, eyeing me from head to toe. “Have I crossed the line or something? I mean, we don’t know each other for so lon-”

“It doesn’t matter how long we’ve known each other,” I interrupted him.

“It doesn’t?” he asked, surprised.

“Nope. If you kept me smiling since day one, it’s a good thing right?” I said, forming a smile.

He just looked at me as if he was looking at me for the very first time, almost in awe. “Sometimes, I just want to kiss you.”

His word caught me by surprise. Sometimes, I just wanted to kiss him too. Embrace him to never let go. I never said that aloud like he just had. I did not think twice. I took this chance and held it with both hands.

“Then maybe you should, ‘cause I wouldn’t stop you.”

John’s hand gently smoothed some strands of hair off my neck. My breath froze in my chest, and every sense seemed hyper alert. His hand stroked my hair again, so softly, and then trailed across my neck and shoulder and down my back, making me shiver. He then leaned over, tilted my chin up, and kissed me.

At that moment, I had no mind to think about anything else. My mind had shorted out as soon as John’s lips touched mine. His mouth was warm and firm, his hand gentle on my neck.

I kissed him once before, when he had just finished their opening concert. But that lasted a second. This was… going on and on.

I realized I was getting dizzy, and then realized it was because I hadn’t taken a breath yet. It seemed like an hour before we broke apart. We were both breathing raggedly, and I stared into his eyes as if I would find answers there.

John cleared his throat, looking as surprised as I felt.

“I’m glad I met you,” he said, his voice barely audible. “Now do me a favor?”

“What?”

“Stay.”