We Only Breathe For So Long

“Was it really necessary to buy four extra large pizzas?” asked John, puzzled as he sat down and grabbed a slice himself.

Jared took hold of the pizza box in which John had picked up a slice from and moved it away from him. “If you complain, you don’t get to eat it.”

“Fair enough,” mumbled John through bites.

I got closer to the table and tried to find a spot to sit. Jared and Pat shifted to the left, enough to fit my tiny self.

The pizza looked good but my tea had satisfied me. Whenever the boys ate, anything at all, they would look like animals that had just found their prey and were in famine for centuries. It were as if there was a black hole in their stomachs and no matter how much they ate, they would still be hungry and still be skinny.

After a few minutes of silence, Kennedy realized he was too full to even breathe properly. “Oh,” he remembered something, “what are you guys doing for Christmas? I don’t really know if I’m going to be with my family. They want to go to Alaska this holiday and I’ve had enough cold here.”

I chuckled at his comment. “Is there anything in Alaska besides snow?”

He sighed just by the thought of it. “I don’t think so, K.”

Garrett picked up a napkin and roughly wiped his mouth. “Well, be glad you have a choice Kenny. I have to mentally prepare myself to spend Christmas with my family.”

“Your family is not that bad!” disagreed Pat.

“Did you forget that thanksgiving you all came over?” asked Garrett, shocked.

The boys stood silent and shook their heads slowly.

“What happened?” I asked, curious about the episode.

Garrett placed his elbows on the table and his fists supported his chin. “It was our very first thanksgiving together as a band and my mom wanted everyone to spend it with us. We thought it was going to me just my dad, mom, the guys and I but it ended up being the entire family. To cut the story short… My dad cut his finger as he was cutting the turkey, my grandmother fainted at the sight, John fell down the stairs twice because of my dog, I walked in on two strangers almost ripping each other’s throat with their tongues in my bathroom and we all had to wear my grandmother’s tacky handmade sweaters.”

They seemed to be staring at empty space, their minds filled with embarrassing and tragic moments and memories. As much as I tried, I could not stop myself from laughing. I laughed so much, my eyes became watery, while the boys remained quiet.

“A dog? Really John?” I dried my watery eyes with the back of my hand.

“It was a fucking San Bernard!” he protested.

Laughter erupted and we all burst out laughing.

Pat was the first one to stop laughing. “I miss those times. My family specially.”

Jared patted him on his shoulder. “Me too.”

“I really don’t know what to do or where to go,” admitted Kennedy.

Garrett smirked. “If you want, you can spend it with me. That is, if you’re up for another traumatizing holiday with my family.”

“I think I’ll pass, but thanks for the invite,” said Kennedy. “What about you John? Any chances Jenny will adopt me for a couple of days?”

He laughed as I stared at him in awe at the sweet sound. “Sure! Yeah, just going to spend it with the other O’Callaghans at home.”

I knew that one day the tour would end and that the boys would have to eventually leave and go back home but I had hoped that it wouldn’t have been so soon. I hoped I would have more time to stay with John, more time for this sort of summer (more like winter) romance. The boys decided to make a show in every single state and place in Canada. The tour was about to end in roughly two months. Was that enough? No matter how many days or months I still had left, it was never enough if John wasn’t around.

“What about you Kylie?” asked Pat.

I flinched at the sound of my name. I had been too distracted with my thoughts and there was a pause before my reply. “Um, I don’t quite know. I’d love to spend it with my dad but I don’t know if that’ll happen.”

I looked at my jeans and pushed down my sweater’s sleeve to cover my cold hands. I didn’t want to look at John, he would know that I was upset. He had that psychic power when it came to me. It truly sucked.

“Since you’re here,” Garrett directed his voice to me, “how about a marathon?”

My smile that had been lost was found. “Yes!”

We played Xbox for what felt like forever. All the 27 games the boys owned were played and Garrett was on a roll. He beat most of us but he wasn’t be able to do that when we played Dance Dance Revolution. Kennedy was the king, he had won all the times we played. The hours went by and all we ever did was play, laugh, insult each other and drink beer. I don’t remember how many hours we played but by the time we finished, the sun was nowhere to be found and we could barely keep our eyes opened. We went from super enthusiastic and energetic to depressed and exhausted within five hours.

We were all sitting on the couch in different lazy positions. Pat was already asleep, Garrett insisted to finish their last beer pack and the rest of us were almost knocked out.

Jared made the first move. “That’s it. I want my bed.”

“Follow the leader,” said Kennedy sarcastically. They both stood up and went to their room.

I didn’t know if Garrett was either too drunk or too tired to say anything.

“Do you think he’ll be okay? That was a lot of beers!” I tried to whisper as I was cuddling with John.

“I’m sure he will. If not, we’ll paint his nails and put red lipstick on his lips tomorrow morning before he wakes up.”

I chuckled and tried not to laugh too loud. John gestured me to keep quiet as he tried not to laugh himself.

“Come on,” he whispered, “let’s go.”

“It’s okay, I can get a cab.”

The darkness impeded me to see his face but I sensed his smirk. “You really think you’re going home at this time in the morning? No ways.”

He stood up and took my hand so I could be able to follow him in the dark. He came to a sudden stop and I heard drawers being opened.

“What are you doing? Is this that scene from horror movies where the good guy turns bad and kills the girl?” I joked.

He laughed, I could see his bright smile even when the darkness was hiding his face. “That’s a good idea but if I did that now, it wouldn’t come out as a surprise. Get changed.”

He continued walking while holding my hand. He switched on the bathroom lights and handed me clothes. He smiled at me on his way out.

I got dressed and stared at my reflection on the mirror. I looked like a messed up gangster. The sweatpants he’d given me were gigantic and too long for my short legs. It was a Kurt Cobain t-shirt and it smelled just like John. I raised it up to my nose to absorb his smell. It was so nice, I felt compelled to close my eyes. My bun was a wreck as it stood on top of my head, multiple strands of hair had fallen all over my neck and ears.

I left the bathroom and switched off the lights. Darkness took control over the entire bus and I had trouble finding which door was John’s room.

“Over here,” he whispered.

I followed the sound of his voice and it was the door in the end of the small corridor. I entered the room and closed it behind me. The darkness was still present and I couldn’t see a thing in front of me.

“It’s a bunk bed,” said John while getting out of his bed to help me out. “I figured you’d want the top.”

I chuckled, “I don’t mind. But thanks.”

He took my hand and guided me through the little ladder until I reached the top. He let go of my hand and climbed into his own bed. My hand turned cold without his hand to provide me with warmth. I got under the blankets and I couldn't have been any more comfortable. Actually, I could - if John was right beside me. It was pretty late, John commented previously that it was morning but darkness was still predominant outside. I knew it was time to sleep but I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t handle the thought of sleeping almost in the same bed as John but not being able to be in his arms.

I forced myself to speak, “goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Kylie.”

“Goodnight, John.” I repeated.

He chuckled, moving his body against the mattress and his blanket.

There was a dead silence. I didn’t want to approach him straight forward. God, I didn’t even have to be in his arms. I would be happy to just hear his voice.

I stood up a little and dropped my head down to look at him. His eyes were opened and when he saw me, a smile tightened his cheeks.

“What happens when this whole adventure is over and you go home?” I asked. My voice was barely a whisper and sorrow invaded my emotions.

He ceased his smile and his eyes seemed down. “Come here.” He shifted his body more to the left and created a small space for me.

I obeyed him without any second thought. I stood up, descended the little ladder and filled the empty space at his side under the blanket. He put his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. He remained quiet and so did I. I could feel his stomach rise up and down as he breathed slow, equal breaths.

“We can start a new adventure then.”

I could feel his breath move the hairs on my head as he spoke. I hugged him a little tighter, not wanting to let go any time soon.

“You’re going back home. I might not do that.”

I could feel he was as frustrated as I felt. I was a fool not to remind myself constantly that he would have to leave someday. Instead, I just went with it bluntly, without opening my eyes to the heartbreaking reality.

“You know what?” he asked.

“What?” I looked up to see his eyes.

He smirked and looked down a little. “Future John and Kylie can worry about that.”

I smiled before he pressed his lips to mine as a goodnight kiss. I turned my head and lay it on his chest again, content with his response. Well, at least for now.

Yes, he would live soon but at this precise moment I didn’t care. He was still here and I was still in his arms. I had to make the best of it while I had him around.

I closed my eyes as he sang an unknown lullaby.