We Only Breathe For So Long

The dinning room was the ambient right next to the kitchen, both connected through an opened wall, no doors or whatsoever. It had a very different contrast from the kitchen. The kitchen had light and warm tones of color such as brown, beige and mostly white, unlike the dinning room where dark and cold colors, such as black and a wine shade of red was found.

As John and I entered the room, hand-in-hand, the smell of food that hung in the air allured us. I couldn’t figure out which type of food was releasing this intoxicating smell, but it could have been Ambrosia. My mouth became watery the closer we got to the dinning table.

Ronnie was already sited at the end of the long, glass table. There was a spot on his left for Angela, who was bringing the dishes forth, and Sophie sat on his right side. Kennedy was right next to her, in one or two occasions, I saw him hold her hand under the table and give it a little squeeze together with a smile so he could reassure her the dinner would go well.

I sat down next to Angela, opposite to Kennedy, and John sat on the other end of the table, close to me. Ronnie could clearly see him. Oh, just my luck. Couldn’t he have sat where Kennedy was sitting or something? My mind was creating multiple scenarios about this evening and most of them ended up in food fights and arguing.

I softly tucked a strip of hair behind my ear, trying to hide from my expression the jumps my stomach was making. The more we waited for Angela to return, the more nervous I became. I felt like a ticking bomb, ready to explode at any sudden movement.

Angela returned– thank goodness –and Ronnie rose up of his chair, quite gracefully, in order to gain everybody’s attention.

“Good evening!” he shouted a little, sounding enthusiastic. Was that a good sign or a warning for us to run while we can? “I’m really glad you boys could make it tonight, the food is usually amazing, but with visitors Angela seems to exceed her culinary talents.”

That seemed to get a laugh out everyone, of course, except me. I tried to cover up and I giggled awkwardly. Lesson learned so far: I was not born to be an actress.

He sat down on his seat and locked eye contact with everyone in the table, one by one. “I just wanted to welcome you to our home but without further due… Let’s eat, shall we?”

Angela was the first one to move after that, picking up the tray of mashed potatoes. She took a full spoon out of it and put it on her plate, urging to eat, then she passed it down and this process was repeated until she had put a little bit of everything on her plate.

There was salad with lettuce, tomatoes, perfectly chipped onions and various salad dressings to go with it. The menu was rice, beans, steak, chicken, fish, mashed potatoes and lasagna. There was so much variety and quantity of food that I thought that the Canadian army would be knocking on the door anytime to join us.

“So, how’s the band doing boys?” Angela, as the mood lifter, asked John and Kennedy.

Ronnie had a solemn look on his face. “You boys are in a band?”

Uh-oh. Crap hit the fan. I tensed and John felt it since I was still holding his hands. Was Ronnie one of those parents that hated bands like the devil hates holy water? I had no clue, but my crossed fingers were hoping he wasn’t, praying he wasn’t. The first question asked could’ve been the first sign of disapproval. My heart skipped several beats and time seemed to freeze before anyone dared to move or speak.

He lowered his gaze, concentrating in cutting his steak. “I was also in a band when I was around your age, during my 20s.”

The air I’ve been sucking in since was released, enabling me to relax my muscles and thank the heavens for hearing my prayers. John smiled, taken aback by his reply, just as relieved as I was.

“Wow! I never thought you were the rock ‘n roll type, sir. Maybe a little jazz, but not rock!” he said, completely amused.

“Well, I just don’t seem like one because I don’t have any tattoos,” he laughed, “I’ve never been a fan of them.”

Luckily for me, John was wearing a sweater that covered all of his tattoos. Maybe this dinner wouldn’t be so bad, maybe this would be the first day of a new start, even though it wasn’t really a new start. John would be over all the time and Angela or Ronnie wouldn’t mind because they'd know him and they’re OK with him being around. We would be able to stay up ‘till late, watch idiotic movies while being tangled in each other’s arms. All of my thoughts for the future sounded almost… perfect.

John was curious to know something, his wide eyes and confused expression gave it away. “What happened? How did it all end?”

“Um,” Ronnie took his napkin and gently cleaned his mouth. “After touring for a while, everything lost its spark. We still loved music and our fans and all but after we took interest in other things,” Ronnie looked at Angela, “things that were more important than a juvenile band. So after ten years together, we decided to end it. We still see each other now and then, little reunions, or so we call it.”

“Oh,” said John. He seemed a little disappointed with the answer, he was looking down, staring at empty space.

“As much as I wish it did, that life doesn’t last forever. Which is a pity because it was mad fun!” he grinned, thinking on old memories.

They were the only ones really speaking. Kennedy was too shy to speak up and Ronnie was too caught up in his conversation with John that he didn’t ask anything addressed to Kennedy. Sophie, Angela and I had no clue about what they were talking about so we just refrained from talking. I could see from Sophie’s body language that she was agonized inside, without speaking a word and feeling like a wall that could hear everything and do nothing about it. Her leg was shaking vigorously, a sign of her impatience.

“Dad, I got into the production,” she finally spoke. “Main role, just as planned.”

She tried to hide her smile, but when Ronnie smiled, she gave in and smiled just as wide as him. The way he looked at her was filled with pride. As I watched both of them smiling madly at each other, I missed my dad. I missed sharing those same kind of moments with him. And then Angela stepped in, reaching out for Sophie’s hand, joining the parade of smiles. And that made me miss my mom.

I looked down, not wanting to watch that content scene any longer. I wanted to be the one experiencing it, not looking at it, pathetically hoping things could be the way they used to.

How I used to be back home, in that weather that could be compared to hell, when my mom’s presence filled the kitchen and my dad was content with his life. When I used to be happy about it all. I wouldn’t have John, I thought. No, I wouldn’t have him back then. I wouldn’t have any trace of evidence that he ever stepped in my life. The memories we created, together, would’ve never happened. It would be as if I entered a state of amnesia, but a permanent one.

“You okay?” John whispered, closer to me so he wouldn’t be heard. I looked up and nodded, smiling at him.

From that moment on, I started appreciating John so much more. He was there with me, like he had been the past weeks. Next week, he might not even remember me, or he might. I don’t know. I’d never know. The only thing I knew is that I wanted to be with him forever, even if I had to sacrifice things. But life isn’t perfect. Not like this. Everything felt so right, and that was a great thing, but from my experience, perfect didn’t last forever. It lasted a few moments, maybe even weeks, followed by a wave of destruction by unfortunate events. That’s how it always goes. As much as I wished this time would be different, I knew my life wasn’t meant to be perfect. Or stable at least.

I tried to shake those thoughts away, concentrating in the present. I let go of John’s hand, to hold my cutlery and eat some more.

The rest of the night was easy going. We all occasionally talked, each one of us adding something new to the conversation, and ate until the clock hit past midnight.

Angela stood up, taking the liberty to start cleaning up the kitchen and I told her I would help her once John and Kennedy were gone. We all stood up, Ronnie hugged the boys and thanked them once more for coming, and Sophie started saying her goodbyes to Kennedy as John and I were walking towards his pickup truck.

“I had a great time,” he said with a smile. “They were really nice folks!”

I giggled at his comment. He sounded like a teenager whenever he said the word ‘folks.’ “They adored you.”

He shoved his hands on his pockets, “That’s a good thing, right?”

I stopped and leaned my side on his truck. “Yeah, it is. I’m just glad it all went well.”

He smiled. “Me too.”

I looked up at him, his eyes were fixed on me and he was still smiling. “What?” I asked through a grin.

“Nothing!” he raised his hands up, as he turned around and entered his pickup truck.

The window was rolled down, so I leaned in and kissed him. “Goodnight, John.” I said as I turned around, making my way back to the house.

“Goodnight, Kylie.” I heard him whisper.