We Only Breathe For So Long

I couldn’t decide which emotion affected me the most; if it were devastation, contentment or frustration. The letter and the video had been evidence that my mother was still alive, yet I didn’t possess a definite clue about where she could be. What would the odds be if I could find her within this enormous world? My chances are slim, nearly inexistent. She could be anywhere, and I didn’t know where I’d start looking. Arizona was the first place that came into my mind because I didn’t see the point in moving to another country or continent. My dad and I thought she was deceased, and we were definitely not going to visit a mental hospital for no apparent reason and find her. Arizona was her homeland and if she was going to lose her sanity soon, I know she would want to do that somewhere in Arizona.

I was doubtful. I didn’t even know if it would be wise to search for her, mostly because I was scared of what I might find. What if she was dead by now? I had forgotten about the package when it arrived, and it was delivered months before I opened it. The curiosity was burning me inside. I craved to know. My realistic brain kept on debating the pros and cons. I knew that she went through all the trouble for a purpose, and perhaps it was for the best. If she hadn’t done such, my life would be different, and most likely unfamiliar to me. Then again, when my mother was still around, things were better than they were now. With no tears left I comprehended that as much as my mother’s issues appeared to be sad, it really wasn’t. If she was still alive, it meant that there still could be a chance.

Yet above all, that lanky guy would have never appeared in my life, even though he left. I regret nothing that I’d ever done with him, even though he broke me instead of saving me. His words were the living proof that he didn’t love me, and that maybe he never did, but I couldn’t give up on the idea of not loving him. I truly did try to force my mind to the realization that I’d never have him back, but it wasn’t working.

Maybe the motive for it all was the toxic relationship Eric and I had, and that’s what drove John insane. We poisoned ourselves with each and every kiss we placed upon each other’s lips. Maybe I could repair it. Maybe I could make everything better again. I had no idea how to deal with all the hypothesis and ideas that invaded my mind, and I could only think of one person who could make me forget about everything.

John.



I repeatedly thought about what I was going to do, and ran scenarios in my head. I imagined conversations between John and I, and they were all realistic –none of them ended with John accepting me back. I mentally kicked my conscious; knowing it wouldn’t end as well as I hoped it would.

When I arrived at the parking lot, it didn’t look as vacant as it usually did. There were cardboard boxes outside with a messy handwriting scribbled on them. I had to squint my eyes over the blazing sun that blinded them. Confusion wandered through me when I saw the bus door opened, and no sound was coming from the inside of the bus. My immediate reaction was that someone had broken in.

I ran to reach the stairs fast, climbing it nearly out of breath from the adrenaline of surprise. I took doubtful steps towards different directions once I was inside of the bus. Never getting out of place because I wasn’t sure where to search first.

“Guys?” I yelled, worry filled my voice. I looked around, taking long steps to reach the kitchen and look through the window to see if there was anyone on the other side of the bus. No one.

I exhaled an exasperated sigh, ready to cry some more. That’s when he appeared, alarmed with the voice he hadn’t heard in a long time.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his tone sounded concerned.

“Where is everyone?” I started my interrogation.

“They’re unpacking the last venue we were in.” I sighed in relief after hearing the assurance that things were all right. “What are you doing here?” he scowled at me. Any evidence of emotion was gone.

I didn’t know how to respond. I hadn’t actually thought about what to say when he asked me that question. My mind went blank as John’s pierce green eyes stared back at me, causing my heart to accelerate.

Unpredictably, he turned his back and started walking to wherever he came from. “You know the way out.”

This was it. I came here in the hope that we would be able to sit down and talk things through like responsible adults, but instead he was walking away from me without a fuck to be given.

“Lately I’ve been thinking-” I found the courage to speak from an unknown place. My words made him stop.

“This is the end.” He said without turning around to face me.

“What?” I said. “No, it’s not. This is not the end.” I wanted to say a bunch more, but it seemed so hard to speak. “It’s not the end ‘till I say it’s the end.” My tongue felt thick, my mouth felt dry.

“This is one thing you can’t control, Kylie,” said John. His gaze was low, he refused to look at me in the eyes, and I knew why. He knew that if he did, that he would give in to his feelings. I had to believe that somewhere deep beneath his skin he still loved me.

Well, I just didn’t accept otherwise.

“Lately I’ve been thinking,” I continued, “thinking about what we had. And I know it was hard, it was all that we knew.”

His hands turned into fists. His knuckles were white from the force he was using to grip his hands. He turned around to look at me with nothing but hurt in his eyes. He looked goddamn awful. There were dark circles under his eyes where his perfect skin should have been. Lack of sleep wasn’t the only explanation to why he looked like shit.

“Have you been drinking, to take all the pain away?” I asked him, one step closer to crying all over again. It hurt me so much to see him that way. “I wished that I could give you what you deserve ‘cause nothing can ever…” I closed my eyes and allowed a tear to fall, “Ever replace you.” I opened them again, laughing at myself. “You know, I planned to say all these horrible things to you, but in the end, I just want to tell you I miss you.”

He stared at me with a blank expression. My muscles tensed the longer he didn’t respond or make a sound.

I would not give up now.

“When I’m with you, I act different. In a good way. I smile and laugh more. I don’t have to pretend that everything is okay when it’s really not. With you, I can drop the artificial smile and put on a real one. I don’t feel hurt and alone when I’m with you. Instead, I feel safe and loved. You’re so easy to talk to, and you listen to me. I don’t have to worry about holding back with you. I don’t feel self-conscious. I don’t ever feel insecure or sad. You show me that you really do care, and you’re not just pretending. I really appreciate your company, because with you I’m different. With you, I’m happy.” By the time I had finished putting my heart out into words, I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. My vision was blurry and I felt like sobbing, but I held that feeling back.

John turned around and pressed his forehead on the wall beside him, shutting his eyes as if he was grimacing in pain. “I lied because I don't want you to know how much it hurts me, Kylie.” His voice was hoarse and he sounded as if he were 100 years old.

I longed so desperately to touch him, but I didn’t know if I should. He seemed so fragile. “Why?” I asked.

“Don’t ask why.”

“Why?” I demanded in a louder tone.

He spun around and got closer to me. His eyes were fuming in anger. “I wanted you to stay away from me! And those were the only words that could drive you away!” I stared at him in astonishment. Once again, his words were suffocating me with anguish. “I wanted you to be with somebody better.”

“Well, you’re not the only one to want so desperately to stay away from me.” The tears were falling with no mercy.

He looked lost and upset. “That’s not true,” he said in my defense.

“Oh yeah?” I yelled. “If it weren’t true, my own mother wouldn’t have faked her fucking death just to get away from me.” I was beyond pissed. I had no intentions of adding another person to my ‘I don’t love you enough to stay’ list.

John was perplexed. “She what?” He put the pieces together in his head. “She’s still alive?”

I nodded my head continuously, crying as a hard as a cataract. “Don’t you get it John?” I said through loud sobs, “I don’t want someone better for fuck’s sake. I just want someone!” I was fuming in fury. “I don’t want to be alone, I just want you. I think about you everyday, asshole. How many sentences will it take you to understand that I DON’T FUCKING CARE about what happened or might happen. I just care to be with you.”

I turned my body away from him, dropping my weight on the couch, and gripped my elbows together as a fortress to cover my face and tears.

I heard him chuckle faintly, as if my words had punched him. “You just can’t stay away, can you?”

“NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” My angered voice echoed through the confined space that my head was in.

I heard his footsteps getting closer to me. I suddenly felt his touch, the one I had been longing so anxiously, as he pushed my hair back.

I raised my head, staring at him with an ‘I will murder you for being an idiot’ face. He remained looking at my hair, gently combing it backwards with his long fingers. “How foolish is it to think that we love only with our hearts,” he smiled to himself. “The heart is just an organ with a job to do, a quota to fill. When I love, I don’t want to love with a blood-pumping machine. I want to love with every inch of my body.” He still kept his gaze away from my eyes.

I wanted to punch him so hard that all his teeth would fall out willingly. I spilled my guts out to him and here he was, giving me a fucking biology mixed with poetry lesson. I probably looked like a beast, because he finally turned his gaze to me.

“I will love you with my knees and my fingertips, with my elbows and my collarbones. With my freckles and my knuckles, my wrinkles and my scars. And I will love you with all the spaces in between.”

As good as kissing feels, nothing feels as good as the anticipation of it.

We stared into each other’s eyes, slowly tilting our heads, gradually closing our eyes and leaning forward until our lips met. Everything was in slow motion. The kiss was tender yet gentle. His hand was clasped around my neck, and I could feel his warmth, and taste his minty breath. I never wanted the moment to end because I had been craving his kiss for far too long.

He receded back. Passion was diffused in the green of his eyes. “Come with me.”

I stared at him in bafflement, not quite sure of what he meant with his words. “To where?”

“Arizona,” his smile lit his face up, expressing the excitement he felt in the mention of it. “The tour is over, we’ll be home in two days. Come with me,” he repeated.

I opened my mouth to respond, but no sound came out of it. I was taken aback by his request. It was so unexpected and sudden. I had forgotten that they would someday have to leave. “I-I, I can’t just go.”

“Yes, you can!” he exclaimed, taking hold of my hands and bringing it closer to his chest. “There’s nothing here, Kylie. You’re not working in the bookshop and you’ve been barely attending your classes.”

He had a point, and I didn’t know how to prove him wrong. “But John, I can’t just leave everything behind. I do have things here,” I lied to myself. “Arizona is a big change.”

He leaned his forehead on mine. “We’ll do it together,” he reassured me. “We can find your mother.”

His proposal motivated me to do such a reckless decision. I could find my mother, no matter how small the chances were, and I would be able to leave everything –or should I say, nothing –that was bad behind. I would be able to start fresh once again, but this time, with John.

This was my last chance if I ever wanted to be with John. If I rejected his offer, he would walk out of the door and we would never have a chance again.

I smiled and wiped water off from my bottom lashes with a confident look. “Let’s go.”

He grinned so much, I couldn’t help but laugh at his idiotic expression. He lunged his arms around me, pulling me into a hug that got me off the ground as he spun me around.

I giggled, my mind felt dizzy. “So, what now? What’s the plan?”

He shrouded his shoulders, lacing his hands with mine and giving me a peck. “I don't know… We’ll figure it out.”

Their plan had been very simple: to stay together for the rest of their lives.

Sequel: We All Roll Along