Please, Come Back

Okay. Empty, empty, empty. That's how I feel.

I look at my surroundings, and there's nothing I can see that makes me feel comfortable, I feel like everything's the same. If I am here or not it doesn't care. I feel replaceable. What's the point in working hard if everything is still the same? What's the point in helping you if you forget I exist after? What's the point in giving you my shoulder to cry on if when you're alright you're gone?

That you have a lot of friends, I know and I'm glad... But I don't think they deal with you like I do.
That you care about me, I don't think so, you don't show it.
That you will be here whenever I need... I know it wont be that way.

You do everything for ohters, For those who haven't pass through eveything we did, and what about me?
I can, that's what you think, But it's not always going to be like that.

And you know why?

Because I'm a human being, and someday I will get tired of hiding my feelings. I'm strong, but not a rock. I have feelings, just for you to know.

You can go with her everytime you want, you can hug her and let her know how special she is to you, but she doesn't know you the way I do, she didn't see that side of yours, the one that isn't smiling 24/7, the one that makes everyday as gray as the one before. She doesn't know you, Gerard, no one truly does. Not the ones that says they're your best friends knowing you know eachother not long ago, not the ones who call you to invite you to a party. They only see your smile, that smile my eyes doesn't see very often; Instead I have to see your tears too and pretend they don't affect me to cheer you up and not let you down.

Did you ever stop to think why didn't I show my feelings?

Easy. If you cry, I cry on the inside. If you're unhappy I am too. But I can't cry in front of you, because if the two of us are lost, then Who will help us?

I can't stand watching the ones I love getting hurt.

I'm tired of seeing my mother crying behing a smile, of seeing how my dad ignores my feelings; he prefers a glass of water before me, It doesn't have a point anymore. That's why I cry when I can and not when I want. I can't let them see my weakness becaused I'm supposed to be the strong one, Without me they wouldn't be as happy as they are now. And what did I get in return? Nothing.

You do things because you want to, because it gets from the heart, that is being good, but the fact that I don't see a sign of interest from your side makes me sad, very sad.

What was the point in everything we've gone through, if then you tell me you're leaving? Do you spect me to be happy?

Then no, it's not fair. I love you, I tell that to you every day, but you seem to not believe me. By the way, Gerard. I'm grabing this oportunity to tell you a truth, a truth that it's there but you don't want to see.

I LOVE YOU!

And no, not as a friend, not as a brother. I love you as a person, as a man. I love you and I want you to know that you're the only peroson whom I could spend the rest of my life with. We could make our dream of going to Europe real and, if you ask me to leave everything behind and stay there, I wouldn't hesitate. You would think I'm crazy, but that's the thurth. I always give a lot, without getting anything in return, and that bothers me.

You can't live on love, but it helps, a lot. I prefer die today, knowing you love me, than live forever to dawn be the same as dusk, like now.

If you leave, everything will be in vain, if you go you'll leave me alone because a part of me will go with you. I just want you to be considered, don't leave me alone, not now, I need you. I'm not ready to be without you. I'm not selfish, I'm just asking for a little of the love I gave you. Is that too much to ask?

Te worst thing is this is the day, and now I have to see you and say hi with a kiss on your cheek, smile, and pretend I'm happy for you. I could give you this letter or better yet, tell you all of this face to face, but the love I have for you would play a trick on me. My heart would squeeze of pain but I don't have another option. I would kill just to see your smile.

I should think in myself for once and ask you to stay, but I prefer to be your friend and demand you that wherever you go, take care.

For you, my love, I will hold on. But, when my eyes can't take it anymore and my heart threatens of getting out of my chest for so much pain, I will ask you to come back, to give me strenght to go on. Is that too much to ask?

That you have a lot of friends, I know... Each day it's more clear.
That you care about me, sometimes I think is an illusion from somebody who needs love.
That you will be here whenever I need... I hope I'm wrong and you will.

That I love you, I hope you know it.

**********

-Are you Ok, Frank? You're very quiet.

-It's nothing, Ray...I just... - I didn't know how to end that phrase. Ray understood the message and hugged me, beggining his speech about friendship and all that shit.

-We have to be happy for Gerard... You know that his dream is living in California...- Here we go again.

We were at the front of his house, watching how everyone moved their cases to the car, the house next to mine was getting empy, like my heart. I have been thinking of this day, but I never wanted it to come. To see how every objetct was removed from the house in wich I spent part of my childhood, was like watching my soul being ripped off of my body. He was my life, they couldn't take him away that easy, he couldn't leave.

-He always wanted to live there, and this is a big oportunity for his whole family... It's our job as friends to be by his side...

-Ray, nothing you can say can calm my pain down- I cut him off -You just make me hate him for wanting to go.

I didn't hear his voice again, he understood how I was feeling in that moment. I let my heart calm down, because I could see Gerard approaching us. He was happy, his face was illuminated by excitation and joy. The letter was in my pockett, and my intention was giving it to him. I wasn't capable of doing it, I didn't want to erase that smile.

Gerard said his goodbyes to us and get in the car with his brother, Mikey. I saw how he waved through the back windows, it even seemed like some tears runned through his cheeks. Ray said goodbye to me. The car started to move, taking away, not only my secret love, but my best friend. A part of me fade away, while I stayed there, alone, I didn't want to go home, neither see anybody, I just wanted to be alone.

I walked trying to find a place to cry where no one could hear me. I threw the letter away, it wasn't helping anymore, I had to make another, but this time I'll be more humble with the thing I'm going to ask for.

"Please, come back".