Long Live the Reckless and the Brave

I have been through a lot of things in my life. A lot of them not being my fault, or something I caused. This, however, is undeniably all my fault. There isn't an excuse in the world I could give that would make any of it right.

Being stressed out isn't a reason to take my frustrations out on Jack, and now he isn't even here for me to talk to. I let him go. I broke up with him. I shattered his heart. Every bit of him not being here with me is all on me. I don't know how I'm gonna fix this either. I don't even know where to start. He's done so much to help me and I threw it back into his face. Like going through what he has wasn't already enough.

I'm not even sure if taking him back would be good for him. Maybe, just maybe he'd be better of without me. Be happier if I wasn't there to ruin everything for him. To let him down, to break him even more. I don't know if I can manage being that selfless. I love him so much. Words just don't do it justice. If you asked me I wouldn't be able to explain the feelings I have for him. I want him back, I need him here with me. I'm afraid to be alone. To be without him.

That's it.

I just have to figure out how to get him to trust me again. To want to be with me. I need to prove that what I said wasn't meant. Just how is the question. There has to be someone who would know what to do. I would ask his cousins but I don't know how to contact them. I guess calling Rian again is all I've got now. Two days it's been and hopefully not to late.

I manage to dig my phone out of my pocket and dial Rian's number.

It rings a few times before he picks up. "Hello?"

"Hey Rian it's Alex."

"Oh hey, what's up?"

"Well, I need you help. I'm at a loss on what to do."

"Help with what?"

"I want Jack back. Just talking to him won't do. A simple apology won't make up for what I said and did. I need to find someway to show him I really do love Jack. That I didn't mean to break up with him."

"I dunno dude that's gonna be a hard one. He's completely heartbroken. Not sure if there's any pieces of him left to pick up."

"I know, but I wanna try. I need him. He might not need me as much but I rely on Jack so much and I hope he still adores me as much as I do him. I can't just not try and sit here going 'what if' for the rest of my life."

"Well, can't really argue with that. What something really special to him. Something he holds really close to home? Something only you could do or give to him?"

"There's one thing. A couple actually."

"I'm not gonna ask what they are, but whatever it is. Do that. Give it a go and put your all into them. Even if he doesn't take you back you gave it your best."

"Okay, yeah. Thanks Rian. I know I have a lot to make up for and this means a lot to me."

"You guys are my friends. I just wanna see you happy. If doing this could potentially do that then I'm all for it. I know how happy you guys were together."

"Thanks a lot Rian really."

"No problemo dude. I'll talk to you later sounds like you got some stuff to take care of."

"Yeah, talk to you later."

I hung up the phone with some new confidence that maybe I could pull of getting Jack again. It will be hard I know but I can do this. Out of everything in the world I know this is one thing I can at least do or try to do.

The first part I'd have to do is stop cutting. Throw out my razors and just stop it all. It broke him so much to see me do that to myself. As much as I feel like I need to cut. To let everything out and just feel serene for a moment, I need him more. So, with that I went into Jacks bathroom and got the razors I use.

I stood there and stared at them. Memories filling my head of times I used them and reasons why. Times when I wanted to but couldn't or didn't. The little risqué moments I did and almost got caught. I took them and headed outside. I started walking down the sidewalk towards the park. If I was going to do this I was gonna do it right. After a couple of minutes I arrived there.

There's a huge dumpster placed just a little inside the park that I can throw these into. They'd be lost forever. Never for me to see again after walking a bit I arrived at the dumpster and lifted the lid up. As I was getting ready to throw them in this over bearing feeling weighed down upon me. I wouldn't have this to fall back on anymore. This was it, there isn't turning back. Was I ready to throw them away? To give up a small slice of heaven?

Yeah, maybe not completely. What little relief I get from these I can get in a bigger dosage if this works. So I threw them in. That was it. All gone, no more. I felt relieved almost invigorated at the sense of overcoming that. Almost as if I was throwing away shards, broken pieces if me. I smiled a little. A little hopeful one.

I closed the lid and turned back towards Jack's house. I haven't seen him since he left. He has been staying with Rian. He hasn't called to kick me out, or anything. I just hope that maybe Rian can get him out of the house for part two of this little excursion. This will be the more important one.