Death-Wish Kids

I picked Micah up from the ground and held him against my side. The guys that I hadn't met yet were talking with Mikey as he introduced my little brother and allowed for Noah to introduce his friend.

I walked over to the group, but kept my gaze away from Gerard, who continued to stare even when I was standing right in front of them. I put a smile on my face as Frank introduced me to the rest of his friends.

"Ray, Bob, this is Cyren," he said, pointing to each one of us as he spoke our names.

"She goes to our school," Mikey added, nervously glancing at the baby in my arms, "She's sort of a junior. Cyren, this is Ray and Bob, the guys we told you about."

I grinned and offered them a wave. "It's nice to meet you guys finally," I replied, "They're always bragging about how their friends are graduated and everything."

The guy with the insanely curly hair laughed and shrugged his shoulders. "We're not actually friends with them," he stated, "We're in it for Gerard, they just happen to come along."

Noah stood at my side and Evan stood next to him. The eleven year old was grinning as Evan whispered something in his ear. I assumed that Noah had just become the coolest kid in elementary school because high schoolers considered him a friend.

"Who's this?" Gerard asked, forcing me to meet his gaze. I'd been hoping that the question wouldn't come up and they'd all just forget that there was a ten month old in my arms.

Both Frank and Mikey looked at me and resembled deer caught in headlights. I tried to keep that expression off of my face and answered honestly, knowing there was no way to give another answer with Noah at my side.

"This is Micah," I said, holding him a little higher and standing a little taller, "He's my son."

Bob and Ray both looked surprised but easily accepted it. They didn't know me before now, so they had no clue that Micah was a secret that I'd been hiding from everyone besides Mikey and Frank.

Gerard, on the other hand, just nodded, his expression unreadable.

The guys decided to stick around for awhile when Noah asked them if they wanted to play his version of tag. He and Evan explained the rules and Bob, Ray, Mikey, and Frank took off towards separate parts of the park, while Gerard hung back and lingered at my side.

"Gee, are you playing?" Mikey called from the bridge.

The twenty year old shook his head. "No thanks," he replied congenially.

Frank's voice came from inside of the slide. "It's probably because those pants stop him from running," he shouted, causing the entire playground to laugh.

Ray added, "Those pants stop him from doing a lot of things. Like reproducing."

Gerard rolled his eyes and told his friends to shut up, managing to leave out the curse words that I'm sure would've accompanied it if there weren't kids around.

When the game began, I stepped away from Gerard's side. He looked back at me and I motioned towards the blanket. "Do you want to sit?"

He walked over without saying a word.

I set Micah back in his spot and tore out some grass for him to play with. Gerard sat down on the corner of the blanket and crossed his legs one under the other. I sat closer to Micah and fetched a piece of grass from his mouth before brushing it all away from him.

"Ugh, Micah," I muttered, wiping a wad of it from his tongue as he fought me, "That's nasty, don't eat it."

Gerard brushed the last bit off of him as I struggled to get it out of his mouth. "So, when did this happen?" he asked, motioning to Micah without fully looking at him.

"You mean, when did I have a kid?"

Gerard nodded. "Yeah."

"Yesterday," I said, "He just appeared and I had no choice but to claim him as my own."

"That's funny," Gerard replied, finally meeting me in the eyes, "What I meant was, why didn't you tell me?" He shoved his fists into the pocket of his jacket and licked his lips.

I stared for a moment, wondering where the question had come from. I pulled Micah onto my lap before I answered. "We're not friends, Gerard," I stated, handing my son a toy, "and even if we are, we're not the kind who go around spill secrets to each other."

Gerard frowned and then nodded. "Yeah, okay, but why does he have to be a secret? This is Jersey, it's not like worse shit hasn't happened."

"Micah's my business," I replied, shrugging my shoulders, "Why should I have to tell everyone I meet that I'm a teenage mother. It's none of their business."

He was quiet for a moment as he sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. When he spoke again, his tone was different, softer. "Frankie and Mikey didn't seem too surprised," he said, "If anything they seemed like they felt bad about it."

"That's because they already knew," I said. I looked up from the top of Micah's head and met Gerard's eyes. They were this crazy kind of gray-green that I'd never seen before and despite his poker-face, I felt like I could see everything he was thinking just by glancing at them.

I wasn't sure if that was something he couldn't control or if he wanted me to see him, but what I saw made me look away.

"You could've told me," he said, "It wouldn't have mattered to me."

"We're not friends, Gerard," I repeated, looking up again, "I didn't see the point."

"Yeah, okay, we're not friends," he agreed, "but there's definitely something here." He pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.

I didn't question what he meant. There was something there. It was the same 'something' that had me watching him more than I watched the movies when I was at their place and that slight inkling of something that kept him in my mind even when he wasn't around.

I shook it off and replied, "I don't want your parents to know." I grabbed a toy that Micah was reaching for and handed it to him. "I like them and I want to keep coming over."

Gerard looked at me in a way that made me uncomfortable.

"What?" I asked, bouncing Micah on my legs.

Gerard shook his head like he was in disbelief. "Do you really think that they wouldn't let you over because you have a kid?" he questioned and added a roll of his eyes, "Honestly, Cyren, they're not like that."

"I don't want them to think I'm a slut," I replied, "I don't want anyone to think I'm a slut." I quickly glanced down at Micah and then looked back to Gerard.

"You're wearing a hoodie in August, in Belleville," he stated, "I doubt anyone is going to look at you and think you're a slut."

"That's the point, Gerard. I don't want that reputation. It doesn't matter what I where, when people find out I had a son when I was sixteen, they're going to think I'm one," I stated, growing frustrated with him. "So just leave it alone and don't tell anyone."

He paused instead of replying. He tried to meet my eyes but I kept my gaze on the playground, where Noah was chasing the group. "You really think I would tell everyone?" he asked when he realized I wasn't going to look at him, "We all have our own demons, yours just happens to live and breathe."

"What's yours?" I asked, leaning back against the trunk of the tree, "Obviously you've got some issues."

He put his hand to his heart and winced. "Ouch, Sugar," he muttered, peaking his eyes open, "Why do you have to be so mean to me?"

I turned my head as the corner of my mouth turned up.

He dipped his head and laughed, looking up at me through his eyelashes. "See," he said, chuckling, "I'm not as terrible as I seem. I even managed to make you smile."

"God, you're so strange," I muttered, managing to look the twenty year old in the eyes. He was smiling still, leaning to the side as he plucked grass from the ground and tossed it away.

When he saw that I was looking at him, he shrugged. "You should hangout with me sometime," he stated, "You can even bring the baby. I'll tell people he's mine. He looks more like me anyway."

I laughed and scoffed. "He looks nothing like you, Gerard," I denied, taking in Micah's round featured compared to Gerard's prominent jaw and cheek bones.

"Well, he certainly doesn't look like you," he replied, "I hope the father is good looking, because you're going to be seeing him in your kid for the rest of your life."

"Wonderful, thanks for that reminder," I muttered, shaking my head, "You're so supportive, Gerard." I moved Micah off my lap and set him on his half of the blanket, making sure he couldn't reach the grass.

"What, is he an asshole?" the older boy asked, still sounding peppier than I'd heard him before. It was a nice change from his usual behavior.

"Sort of," I said, "but don't worry about it. Talking about Mitchell completely ruins any conversation." I pulled one of my knees up to my chest and looked him over.

He wore a black jacket with a hood, a black t'shirt with writing on it that I didn't recognize, and black jeans that actually might've prevented him from running around and playing tag. His shoes were also black and the once-white laces had turned a gray color, on their way to matching the rest of his outfit. His hair was the only thing that suck out. It helped make him look even more pale than all the black did.

He leaned back on his palms and watched his friends act like idiots as they chased two eleven year olds around a park that they outgrew years ago.

"Mikey and I used to play here," he said, still watching them play around, "Our grandpa used to live over here, so when our parents went to work they'd drop us off and we'd walk here."

I was slightly surprised that we played at the same place when we were children. Part of me wondered if we'd ever met before. "So did we," I said, causing him to look over at me, "We would walk and our dad would follow in the car to make sure we were safe."

"I thought you just moved here from Florida?" He looked suspicious, probably believing that he'd just caught me in another lie, but also curious like he was trying to piece my story together in his head.

I sort of shook my head and shrugged at the same time. "My dad moved here when I was nine," I admitted, "He brought my brother and sister with him, but I stayed with my mom in Florida."

Gerard nodded like he was digesting the information and storing it away in his brain. He didn't try to ask me what it was like to be away from most of my family or ask what caused me to be in my situation. I figured he either didn't care or somehow had figured out all that he wanted to know.

Micah managed to crawl towards the edge of the blanket in front of me and rip some grass from the ground. Before I could move forward to get him, Gerard was already brushing the pieces away from him.

"No, man, that's gross," he murmured, pulling the last of the strands away from Micah before he could eat them, "Come play with all of this. You've got technology, you don't need nature." He gently picked Micah up and set him back down in front of him, pulling some toys close. "He's cute," he said, and looked up at me.

I didn't say anything back. I was far too busy trying to figure out the boy that was sitting in front of me. He was defiant in a jokingly - yet serious - kind of way. He drove a nice car but lived in his parents' basement and refused to believe that the girl he was dating was actually his girlfriend.

He hung out with his little brother all the time and his best friend was sixteen years old. He was smart, his clothes were always disheveled, and he kept his emotions to himself, even going as far as hiding behind a poker face.

But when he spoke to my son, there was a softness that I didn't think could come from him. He wore all black all of the time and was the kind of person that would've been described, in Florida, as an outsider. If we both had lived there, we would've been grouped together. Yet, in a half hour he created more of a bond with my son than his own father had in almost ten months.

"What?" Gerard asked when he saw that I was still looking at him, "Did you just fall in love with me or something?" He grinned lopsidedly and went back to playing with Micah.

I rolled my eyes, his words made wonder what is was that I felt for him. We weren't friends a half an hour ago, but I wondered that if we were headed that direction now.

Noah and Evan ran over a little while later, cheeks red and out of breath. Noah bent over with his hands on his knees as he tried to calm down so he could speak. "Can-" He took a breath, "Do you think Evan can sleep over tonight?"

"You have to ask Dad," I replied, "We'll call him in a little while, if Evan's parents are home you should probably go ask them first."

Evan nodded his dirty blonde head. "My mom is," he replied as Noah stood up straight, "We can ask her." He pointed to a house across the street and I let them both run over there to ask, making sure they looked before they crossed the street, even though it was far from busy.

I got to my feet and gathered Micah's things. Gerard got up and looked towards the playground as Ray shouted over to him. The curly haired man was sitting where it opened up for kids to climb up. "Gee, are we stopping at Lindsey's before heading to my place?"

I pretended that I didn't notice Gerard glance at me. He shook his head. "No, you guys go ahead, I'll catch up with you later."

Mikey, Ray, Frank, and Bob got off the playground and headed over to us as I cleaned up and packed everything back into the stroller, starting with the toys and ending with Micah. Noah came running across the street with a smile on his face.

"Cyren, Evan's mom wants to meet you!" he shouted as he raced over to us, "She says he can come but, she wants to make sure we're not walking there by ourselves."

"Noah, I have Micah," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest, "I can't take him over there. She's not going to let Evan stay the night if she thinks I'm in charge."

He frowned and motioned to the group of guys surrounding us. "So let them watch him. We'll be right back, I promise. Please, I really want Evan to come over," he complained, dropping his head back in an attempt to look pathetic.

"We can watch him," Mikey offered, going along with what Noah suggested, "He'll be fine if you're just running across the road, Cyren."

"Yeah," Gerard agreed with his brother, "Honestly, he's just sitting there. It's not like anything can happen to him."

Frank was about to speak, but Mikey quickly jabbed him in the side to silence him. I gave them all a hard look and then sighed, giving in to Noah's request.

I went across the street to Evan's apartment with Noah and was back to my son in ten minutes with both Noah and Evan carrying things for the sleepover. When I got back, everyone left except Gerard.

"Shouldn't you have gone with your friends?" I asked as Noah and Evan walked about fifteen feet in front of us, leading the way back to our house.

Gerard shrugged. "No, I know where they'll be, so I can meet up with them later." His hands were in his pockets as we walked. He looked up from the sidewalk and smiled before peaking through the window in Micah's stroller canopy.

I didn't tell him that I didn't need to be walked home. He already knew, but he followed anyways, staying mostly silent at my side. When the house came into view, Evan and Noah raced ahead. We hadn't asked our dad if Evan could stay, but we both knew that the chances of him saying yes were much greater since Evan was already here.

The boys went inside through the front door, but I opened the garage. Gerard stood in the middle of the driveway with his hands in his pockets, like usual. I pushed Micah into the shade and then turned around to look at him. "Are you coming in?" I asked, deciding to leave it up to him since he made these kind of decisions no matter what I said.

After a moment, he shook his head. "I can't hangout today," I he admitted, "I should probably stop by Lindsey's before I go to Ray's, so I need to go soon."

"Oh, well, you're already late so you should probably get going then," I agreed, turning around to pull Micah from his seat.

When I turned around, he was standing closer to me, and his eyes were looking at right more. It was unnerving how much you could tell about him from his eyes. "I don't really want to go," he said, biting his bottom lip, "There's something I want to do before I do, though."

I held Micah with one arm as Gerard stepped closer and cupped my cheek. I knew what was about to happen and I didn't move away. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine like he was testing the waters. When he realized I wasn't going to get angry, he stepped closer so that his body was against mine and his kiss felt hurried.

His hand was on my jaw, holding mouth to his and my free hand went to his waist and I felt his skinny he really was under all the black. When he stepped back, he had a small smile on his face and he stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Sorry," he apologized, surprising me, "I just had to see something."

I tried not to stumble over my words and ended up sounding like an idiot anyways. "I - what?"

He shook his head. "Don't worry about it. It's nothing," he replied.

I regained my composure and stared at him with furrowed eyebrows. To say I was confused was the least. I held Micah up with both arms. "Gerard, most people don't mention their girlfriends and then kiss other people," I stated, wondering what the hell had just happened.

"Lindsey is not my girlfriend," he replied, straightening his shoulders, "and sometimes you just have to do what you feel like doing or else you won't get another chance." After a moment, he added, "Are you still up to do something in a couple days?"

I was baffled but I tried to hide it. "I guess," I said, brushing what just happened under the rug just like he did.

"Good." He nodded, stepping backwards out of the garage. "I'll see you when I pick Mikes and Frankie up. We can plan something then."

I nodded and watched as he walked down my driveway and headed back the same way we had come from. I closed to the garage and grabbed my binder before going inside.

I had no idea what had just happened or how I would explain it to Mikey and Frank. I situated Micah in his high chair and pulled him over closer to me. "Noah, Evan, I'm making lunch!" I shouted from the kitchen, pleased when I heard the sounds of them trampling down the hallway.

Noah frowned when they came in the kitchen. "Where did Gerard go?" he asked, climbing onto one of the bar stools at the island.

"He had plans with some friends, I guess," I replied, "What do you guys want to eat?"