Death-Wish Kids

We stood in an awkward semi-circle for the next few moments. I wasn’t sure how much of my shock had been obvious, but it took me awhile to compose myself. Donna looked between us and Gerard’s professor, waiting for one of us to explain to her what we were talking about, but I couldn’t find the words, and Gerard looked just as uncertain as I did.

I slid my fingers out of his and stepped towards his mother, quickly trying to piece together an explanation. “Donna-“

Gerard grabbed my hand again, sliding his fingers between mine, and cut me off. “Can we talk about it later?” he asked, wearing an expression that told everyone that it was serious, and private.

“Gerard, this is making me nervous,” Donna answered calmly, glancing past us towards the professor and her husband, “If something’s happened, you need to tell your father and me. We can help you figure out your options, speak to Cyren’s father-“

“She’s not pregnant,” he answered immediately, and then spun around to face his teacher. “I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse us.” He tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me away, stopping only as we passed his mother.

My heart was pounding in my chest. This wasn’t where I wanted this explanation to happen. Tonight was supposed to be about Gerard and I didn’t want it all to come crashing down. Gerard’s parents weren’t going to be okay with him dating a seventeen year old teenage mother, and I’d been hoping that we’d get a little more time together.

“Your father needs to know too,” Donna said as we headed for the exit.

Gerard stopped walking and looked back over to where we’d left him. “Can’t we just talk about this at home?”

“Then we’re going home now.” Donna gave her son a look at told him she was serious. But she also looked scared, like we were about to tell her something that might ruin Gerard’s entire life. I already felt guilty and I pulled away from him as they compromised.

“We’ll meet you downstairs,” Gerard relented, agreeing that she would go find his father so that we could all talk, without the boys.

When she left, Gerard turned to me and looked into my eyes without saying anything. He looked over my face and I looked away, pressing my finger tips into the palms of my hands. Gerard grabbed my shoulders, and slid his hands up my neck to cup my jaw, making me look at him. “It’s going to be alright,” he said, tucking my hair back out of my face, “They’re going to understand, Cyren.”

I shook my head and pulled his hands from my face. “This isn’t the life they want for you, Gerard,” I answered, meeting his eyes, “You don’t deserve to have to deal with all of this just to be with me.”

He ducked down. “I don’t have to deal with anything,” he answered, “I care about you and I care about Micah and I like being with both of you. You being a mom doesn’t bother me, Cy. And it won’t bother my parents, not as much as you think it will.”

“I just don’t want them to be disappointed in either of us,” I said, “I know where they’re coming from, and I understand why they wouldn’t want you getting into all of this.”

“We haven’t even talked to them yet, Cy. You have no idea how they’re going to react, so don’t worry so much about their reactions. We’ll just tell them and see what happens from there.”

I nodded, and he grabbed my hand and turned us both towards the doors we’d come in through. We slipped past the two students who were still handing out pamphlets and down the slanted ramp towards his parents’ car. Gerard pulled me around to the side and cornered me there, leaning forward to press his mouth to mine quickly.

“It’s okay,” he said, brushing my hair back and then leaning forward, one hand on the car to support himself, the other playing with the strap of my bag at my waist. He leaned in again and kissed the side of my neck. When he stood up straight again, his eyes were still fixed on the art building.

He separated from when his parents walked out of the building, both looking somber and nervous. I watched over the hood as Donna said something to her husband, and both of their eyes landed on us. Gerard’s hand found mine again.

Don was the first one to speak. “What is going on, Gerard?” he asked, “If Cyren’s pregnant then I need you to be up front with us. Neither one of you are in trouble, but you’re going to need our help with this.”

Gerard shot his mom a look. “I already told you that she wasn’t pregnant,” he said to her, before repeating it to his father. “She’s not pregnant.”

“Your professor was talking about a baby, Gerard,” Donna deadpanned, “Asking if you were the father. That sounds like someone’s pregnant to me. If you keep lying to us, you’re both going to be in trouble.”

“I’m not lying, goddamn,” he said quickly, “If you would just give us a chance to explain, we would, but we can’t even get a word in with you jumping down our throats, Ma.”

“Fine,” Donna said, arms crossed over her shoulders, “Then explain. But we want the truth and we want it now.”

Gerard glanced to me and I felt like he was the one facing all my battles. I didn’t want to be his teenage girlfriend who couldn’t even explain herself, so I squeezed his hand and straightened out, facing his parents directly, instead of tucking myself neatly into their son.

“He’s telling the truth,” I said, nerves shooting up my spine, “We’re not going to have a baby. His professor was talking about a picture that Gerard drew for his class.” I stopped, needing to phrase my words before I spoke them. I didn’t want to drop this on them, but I couldn’t find an easy way to tell them. My hands were shaking and I couldn’t meet either of them in the eye. “I have a son,” I said finally, before Gerard could tell them for me.

Gerard’s grip tightened on my hand and I took that as a sign that I probably didn’t want to see their reactions, but I couldn’t help it. I glanced up to his parents and they both looked shocked. Donna’s lips were parted in surprise and her eyes had moved from me to her son, and I could imagine all the things she was thinking.

Don glanced at his wife, as though she wasn’t alright, and then he looked at his son. “You knew about this when you two got together?” he asked, looking between us.

“Yeah, Dad,” Gerard answered, “and I don’t care if she has a son. He’s a really great baby and I care about both of them. It doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything, Gerard,” Donna said angrily, looking at her son as though he was too naive to understand, “It changes everything about this relationship. She’s a mother, Gerard. Which means that if it ever becomes serious between you two, you’ll have to consider what it means to have a baby in your life everyday. You’re not ready for that.”

“It’s already serious,” he answered, just as angry, “You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions for me. I’m adult, and if I want Cyren and Micah in my life, then that’s my choice.”

“She’s seventeen, Gerard,” Donna answered, pointing at me, “She has a son. Have you even considered all the obstacles you’ll have to work around? It’s not fair to either of you, but that’s too many things to deal with.”

“We’ve been making it work so far,” he said, shaking his head at them, “And I know you think that I can’t handle this, but it’s not like that. Micah is awesome and I want to be there for him and Cyren. I care about them.”

Don put a hand on his wife’s shoulder as he spoke, eye to eye with his son. “Gerard,” he said, “Look at it the other way. You have your own issues that you’re dealing with right now. Do you really think it’s smart to put all of that on her? She has enough on her own plate.”

Gerard’s eyes met his father’s. “You know it’s like that anymore,” he said, glancing back down to me, “I’m sober and you both know it. Don’t use that as an excuse to fight me on this.”

“If you care about her, you have to think about her and that baby,” Don told his son calmly, “You have to be honest with yourself, Gerard, are you really the best thing for them?”

I wanted to stick up for him, to tell them to stop using his past against him. But he was quiet and I was scared to come between them. I didn’t know much about who Gerard was before me, and Gerard’s reactions to his dad’s words scared me just enough to keep me quiet. I gripped his fingers tighter though, and leaned towards him so that he could feel my weight against him.

Donna reached forward for me. “Cyren, we’re going to take you home now,” she said, grabbing my arm so she could pull my hand from Gerard’s, “We need to speak with your father about all of this. I’m sorry.”

I twisted out of her grasp. “What? No,” I answered, reaching for Gerard, “I’m an adult, I can talk to him myself, Donna. I’m going to stay with Gerard.”

“Cyren, it’s better if you just let us take you home,” Don said, “This is a lot of new information and we would like to meet your dad so that we can sit down and talk about all of this.”

“I want to talk to him first,” I said nervously, glancing up to Gerard, who was still silent at my side, “I’ll tell him everything and then you can meet with him, but it’s not a good idea for all of us to just walk in there.”

“It’s better if we’re all on the same page now, Cyren,” Donna answered, “I would feel more comfortable with this if we knew what your father’s thoughts were. You’re still a minor, so if he doesn’t want you with Gerard, then you both have to respect that.”

She looked at Gerard as she finished her sentence, as though my father’s opinion of us together would keep us from being together. We had come this far without his consent, and there were only six more months until we didn’t need it any longer.

“I’ll take her home and talk to him,” Gerard said finally, “I’m an adult and I need to handle these things on my own. I can’t have the two of you swooping in to take care of me.”

“Gerard, I’d like to be there,” Don said, shaking his head at his son, “I wouldn’t react well if I was in Cyren’s father’s place, and I’m worried about you.”

“My dad won’t hurt him,” I answered, surprised that Don would think that, “He has never hurt anyone.”

“I know that, Cyren,” Don said softly, “But if the positions were reversed and an adult was in a relationship with my child, I might not react so well either. It would make all of us feel better if we could go together.”

“It’ll be fine,” Gerard said, “I’ve met Elliot before and I’ve already considered how this will go. I’ve got it handled.”

Donna spoke next, “Gerard, the two of you need to explain what’s been going on and then you need to end it. This is not your chance to get permission for the two of you to be together. You’re not ready for this. Cyren has to understand that.”

Gerard shook his head at her and pulled me in the other direction. “I have to talk to you,” he said to me as we walked away towards his car. He opened the door for me and waited until I was inside to close it for me. Then he walked around the front and got into the driver’s seat, fiddling with his keys as we sat there.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, turning to face him, “You said that this wouldn’t change anything, Gerard.”

“I know I did, but-“

I put my face in my hands, focusing on my breathing as I spelled out the words he was going to say. I had told him from the beginning that he didn’t have to be in our lives. That Micah was my son, not his, and that I wouldn’t hold it against him if he decided he wasn’t for it. But now, in his car, after his parents told him the same thing, I counted the breaths I was taking as he started to end things between us.

“Cyren, my parents are right, okay?” I could feel him looking at me. “I’ve got a ton of fucking problems and I can’t put that on you or Micah. It’s not fair to either of you.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, turning to meet his hazel-green eyes. “I know you’ve got issues, Gerard, but so do I. That didn’t stop me before and you can’t seriously believe that I’m going to let you break up with me because you’re not perfect.”

“I’m an alcoholic, Cy,” he answered, “I’m sober, but I moved back with my parents because they were trying to get me under control. I ruined my life at that point and everything came crashing back down. And while yes, I’ve been handling this without issue for awhile, that doesn’t mean it ever goes away, and I can’t take that kind of risk around Micah, or you. I don’t financially support myself and I don’t work full-time, so how am I supposed to take care of you both?”

“Support us?” I repeated, looking at him like he was crazy, “Gerard, I live with my dad. Just because we’re dating doesn’t mean that you have to take care of us. It just means that I want you in my life, Gee.”

“I love you, Cyren,” he said, the tone of his voice changing, “And I love Micah, too. And I’m scared that when things get even more serious, that I won’t be enough. When you’re eighteen and when it’s just you and Micah on your own, I want to be there for you. But if I’m a part of your life and I fuck up, it’s going to hurt you, and I don’t want that to happen.”

I don’t think that Gerard even realized that he told me he loved me, or that he’d never said that before now. He just said and kept moving forward, but I heard it and couldn’t stop myself from getting stuck on it. And all the things he said afterwards meant something, but were invalid, because I knew we could make it work. “Gerard,” I said, making him look at me.

He glanced up from his keys, his eyes on mine. “Yeah?”

“I love you too,” I said, smiling slightly as he reacted. It seemed to click that he’d said the words before me, like he’d done a quick reply in his mind and realized what he’d said. I kept talking. “I want you in my life and if that means we have to deal with your past, that’s fine, because we’re dealing with mine too. I’m not scared that you’ll mess up, Gee, because I’m already terrified that you’re not going to want to be in my life. So just the fact that you’re willing to be there is enough. We’ll deal with everything else when we get there.”

Gerard pushed across the space between us and pushed his mouth into mine. One arm supported him as he held himself up over the console, but the other grabbed onto the back of my neck and held me to him, his fingers sprawled out into the roots of my hair.

I cupped his jaw and then slid my arms around his neck so that my elbows were bent and he couldn’t get any closer. “I love you,” I said against his mouth, and his lips moved as he repeated the words into my neck.

“I don’t want to go to my dad,” I whispered, “I don’t want to leave you.”

His mouth trailed over my collarbone and then he lifted his head to meet my eyes. “I won’t stay away from you,” he answered, “I don’t care what your dad has to stay about it, Cyren, or my parents. It’s too late.”

I wrapped my arms around his head and held him to me. His arms slipped around my back and pressed me closer. There was a time in my life where I thought I was in love with Mitchell, but it was never like this. I never thought anything could feel like this. It was overwhelming. There was a part of me that was scared, because our lives weren’t up to us, but I also felt reassured that nothing really bad could happen. I knew it was stupid and naive to think that we were infallable, but it felt like we could get past anything.

Being this close to Gerard made it hard to ever pull away from him, and I couldn’t even imagine how terrible it would feel if someone else decided that I couldn’t see him. There wasn’t enough time for us to be together, and yet, all we really needed was for it to move faster.

“I don’t want to go home yet,” I whispered into his ear.

He leaned back just enough to see my face. “That’s a bad idea, Cy,” he said, eyeing bearing into mine, “As of right now, we haven’t crossed the line, but if I don’t take you home…”

“Don’t take me home,” I answered, running my fingers through the thick hair on the side of his head.

He sighed and leaned back, unclasping my hands from him. He dropped down into the driver’s seat and looked at me like this was the hardest decision. “When I meet your dad, as your boyfriend, Cyren, I don’t want to lie to him about what we’d just been up to. So I ‘won’t take you home’ another time, okay? I promise.”

“You do realize that the only reason we haven’t had sex is because you’re the one who said no both times?” I answered, joking.

He groaned and pressed his forehead against the steering wheel. “I’m trying to be responsible, Cyren,” he said, “But you’re not making it any easier.”

I reached for my seatbelt and buckled myself in. “Okay, take me home.”

He sighed under his breath and buckled himself in as well before starting up the car and peeling out of the parking lot. As we passed, I noticed that his parents’ car was already gone.