Lyrically Terrifying

I’m not really your average seventeen year old. I've seen, heard and done things that no adult ever should and most likely never will.

I go to school during the week and I stay at home on the weekends. I don’t do anything that isn't in the routine. It’s the same thing day in and day out and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s how I like it.
Everyone thinks I’m weird, or crazy, or all of the above, but whatever. I don’t think I’m weird, maybe a little crazy, but that wasn't always the case. I just have a secret now. I have a big secret. It rests on the back of my lungs waiting for me to open my mouth so it can roll off my tongue with a breath. That’s one reason I don’t talk. I’m scared I might let it all out but I’m not going to let that happen.

My secret sits in silence in the back of my mind. It sits in silence just like I do. Just like I sit in the corner away from everyone, my secret sits in my mind but unlike me it doesn't hide. It doesn't try and stay in the shadows away from prying eyes. No. My secret likes to be the centre of attention, eating away at my mind as I sit in silence.

It’s cancerous. The guilt I feel is cancerous. Consuming my body. My mind. Leaving nothing behind until just living feels like pulling teeth. The guilt never leaves. It’s always there. It courses through my veins. Enough to fill a sea. I’m paranoid too. It’s horrible. Not only is my mind filled with thoughts of guilt and my secret but it’s haunted by paranoia. I feel like there are wolves at my door. The devil's hounds waiting to drag me off to hell. Drag me to a fiery doom, to be burnt alive in the deepest depths of hell. It would make sense. It would be what they want. For me to feel what they did.
All my thoughts and feelings. They’re like a disease. A disease without a cure and it’s only getting worse. There’s no end in sight and so I sit quietly and count my blessings. But guess what. I've counted them all and now I’m just left to count this curse. This curse that was put on me. Or did I put it on myself?
I don’t know. I can’t tell for sure. I can’t tell much for sure anymore. All I really know I that’s I can’t sleep at night. No, sleep escapes me as I lay choking on the regret I breathe in with every gasp for air.
I never used to be like this. Once upon a time I was happy. A normal girl with friends and a constant smile on my face. But not anymore. The only way you’ll ever get me to really smile now is if you cut me from ear to ear.
I can see the vultures licking their lips. Watching me bleed with regret and guilt. They watch me as if they can see every emotion spilling from me. Maybe they can see all of it. Maybe they are wiser than most. Or maybe they are just waiting for me to give in. To let these feelings take me completely and cut me up for them to feast. Who knows?
So I sit here and repent. I repent for everything that ever happened because I know that the end is near. The end is coming soon for me. I know it. I can feel it in my bones. I hear the whispers telling me it is close as I lay there at night. It’s coming and it’s going to be this secret that will kill me. So I’m going to get on my knees and pray for forgiveness because I don’t want to go to hell. I may deserve it but I will never want it.
Everyone carries things inside of them though. Things that are invisible to everyone else. No one else can see them but we carry them and keep them to ourselves out of fear. They hold us down. Dragging us down to the bottom of the sea like anchors so we drown out there. Under the weight of the ocean.
I look up to the sky these days even though there may not really be anything there for me to see. But the way I see it why would he believe in me if I don’t believe in him.
I have a secret resting on the back of my lungs. Waiting for the opportunity to float out with my breath. It sits on the tip of my tongue. Waiting for me to open my mouth to speak so it can just roll off. But no. I won’t let the happen, I've got my secret and I’m going to keep it.
‘Till death do us part.