Lyrically Terrifying

I always sit and think. Lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling above my head, thinking about everything. Over thinking every little detail. Driving myself insane. It’s like my mind is a kite. Soaring up high. Flying through the sky night and day. But still no matter how high up my mind is. How high my thoughts are, I can still see fine. Crystal clear. And everything is going to be perfectly okay. It will be alright. Right?
I’m never able to sleep though. I lay there at night with my eyes wide open as sleep escapes me. I can’t sleep as the voices float through my head. Every single one of them talking all at the same time. Talking over each other until my mind is a jumbled mess of voices that aren't mine.
No I can’t sleep and my eyes are bloodshot from the hours of sleep that have escaped me but I still feel fine. Somehow even without the sleep I feel just fine. It just makes me think that I’m crazy. It makes me think I've lost my mind but yet again I still don’t feel like there is anything truly wrong. I still feel fine. I still feel fine even with my sleep being replaced by hours of voice just trying to talk to me.
Maybe I should go back to the start. Take it back to the beginning. Square one. Go all the way back so I can figure out how all of this stuff, this shit, began. Because I couldn't tell you now. No, I would have to go all the way back, I’m not sure how far I would really need to go. It’s all a mystery. All these answers escape me. Who am I really? What is going on? Who are these voices? Are they real or are the just my imagination? What separates my mind from reality? Is this the end of my reality? Or just the beginning?
I don’t know.
I just want to feel something real. Something I know isn't my mind playing tricks on me. What if I hold my breath? What if I hold it until I can’t breathe? I’ll hold it just so I have something to feel. Will that work?
I feel as though I’m falling. Falling into self-defeat and it’s scary. It terrifies me. Is that why I’m losing sleep? Does sleep escape me because I’m too terrified about the fact that I have fallen into self-defeat? I guess it would make sense. I mean who really wants to be defeated by their own mind? To feel as though they are no longer in control. No one does, because it’s scary.
Even after all this I still can’t sleep. No. All these voices are still trying to talk to me. To get my attention and have me listen. But I can’t really hear them so I stay awake at night trying to ignore them. But it doesn't work. No nothing really works, they won’t go away and I can’t ignore them but it’s okay. I still feel just fine.
It’s crazy town in my head. There are voices everywhere. All of them talking to me. And I talk back but I never know who I’m talking to. It’s impossible to differentiate between them. There are just too many of them. I struggle to hear what they say. They all speak at the same time. Yelling at me. Saying things I can’t understand and it just seems as though I can’t even tell what they are saying. What’s really being said and it’s getting too much. It’s making my head hurt. How did it end up like this? I’m not even sure what’s happening. Won’t someone please just tell me whether I’m alive or dead because I honestly don’t know anymore.
Like I said before. It’s scary. I know that it’s scary but everything is going to be okay. Everything will be just fine. Won’t it?
Hell I don’t know anymore. I need to know how all of this started. How all of this bullshit started. I will go back to the beginning. I will figure out it all began.
I will figure it out before my reality ends. Although it’s already ended hasn't it. This is the end of my reality. It’s no longer there. Gone and I don’t know where it went So I’m going to hold my breath.
I’ll hold it until I can’t breathe.
Until I can’t feel anything, anymore.