Breathe, Relax, Repeat

Derek was frustrated. Not because he couldn’t focus. Not because it was hard. And not because he couldn’t do it. He was focused, capable, and came easy to him. He just wasn’t feeling it. He hated when he couldn’t get his vocals to match the feeling of a song. This song in particular wasn’t one of Mayday Parade’s, it was a cover of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know.”

“It’s okay Derek, try again. Stop getting frustrated, it’ll come to you. It always does.”

Derek didn’t want to hear it from Brooks. He didn’t know what it was like. The vocalist knew his friend was just trying to help, but he wasn’t doing much helping.

“I know, I just can’t help it. Our last cover was a fun song, it didn’t matter if I was into it or not. No offense to the Pussycat Dolls or anything. But this song…a lot of people are emotionally invested in it, and if I sing it like I don’t care it’s going to piss them off and make them hate this cover. That’s the last thing I want.”

Brooks held up his hands and shrugged his shoulders.

“If you say so. I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill but that’s just me. I know you want to kill it, and you will. It just takes time,” Brooks said as he started to walk out of the recording studio. “Fuentes is coming in to do his part, maybe you’ll get some vibes off of him.”

Derek bit his lip and tried not to smile. He kind of had a thing for Vic. But he never told anyone about it, especially not the man he had feelings for.

It was a difficult situation, they were both in famous bands that rarely ever toured together. It just wouldn’t work out between them even if Vic felt the same about Derek. But it didn’t stop Derek from feeling the way that he did. He couldn’t stop it even if he tried- because he’s tried several times to forget about Vic but he just couldn’t. Every time he heard Vic’s name he thought about his smile, his voice, and his incredibly lovable personality.

There weren’t many people out there like Vic Fuentes, he was definitely one of a kind. The only person that Derek ever associated with Vic was Kellin Quinn. Those two were pretty much inseparable whenever they met up, and to be honest it made Derek’s blood boil. He wasn’t one to get jealous usually, but with Vic it was different. He hated the way Vic and Kellin connected. And he hated how amazingly nice and charming Kellin could be.

Derek pushed back the negative thoughts he had about Vic and Kellin and turned his attention to the brunette beauty that was now in front of him.

“Hey Der what’s goin on?” He asked and pulled him into a friendly hug.

Derek smiled and released his friend.

“Nothing really just trying to get this right. I don’t know what’s going on I just am having lots of trouble with it.”

Vic took a seat on a nearby stool and gave Derek one of the most knee-weakening smiles he’d ever seen.

“Let’s have a listen. Go on,” Vic said; and he closed his eyes.

Derek loved that Vic did that. He was ready to be completely embodied by Derek’s voice. It made him shiver.

He cleared his throat and began the song for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die-” he stopped himself again because he hated how it came out. “I’m sorry. It sucks and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Vic opened his eyes slowly, as if what he heard wasn’t all that bad.

“It doesn’t suck. You can’t suck- ever. But I can see why you feel like you’re not…connecting with it. You’re happy. I can see it in your face. This song isn’t about being happy. You know what it’s about. I hate to say it but you gotta get into a dark place, Der. Imagine that the love of your life did you so wrong, and scarred your heart. Pretend that you’re hurting real bad. You have to feel it. Get there. And do it again.”

Derek had chills running up and down his spine. He swallowed hard and shut his eyes like Vic had done moments earlier. He did exactly what his friend had just told him. Vic may not have been the love of his life (yet) but it still hurt him to think of him leaving his life.

He thought about Vic kissing him, slow and tender- like he meant it. And then leaning his head over the other way and doing the same exact thing to Kellin.

Derek’s eyes squeezed shut and he clenched his fists. He already felt a rage growing inside of him.

When he opened his eyes he grabbed his mic and sang into it very differently than he had before. It was emotional. It was real. It was great.

Vic waited for Derek to finish his part, and then he chimed in with his cameo.

“Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. But had me believing it was always something that I’d done. But I don’t wanna live that way, reading into every word you say. You said that you could let it go, and I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know!”

God Derek loved how raw Vic’s voice could get. It was so deep and breathtaking. He wished he could achieve the kind of emotion Vic could with his music. He was never one to scream how he felt in a song- but Vic did almost every time.

“Wow, I envy you. On the first try you killed it,” Derek said with a crooked smile.

Vic returned the same smile and shook his head.

“It could have been much better. But I can definitely relate to the words I just sang I can tell you that right now.”

Derek’s heart sunk. He had a feeling he knew exactly what Vic was going to say. But for some reason he didn’t get into it.

Derek took it upon himself to push the envelope just a little bit.

“How so?”

Vic looked towards the floor and then back up at his friend. He shuffled his feet and held onto his left arm with his right hand.

“I recently got fucked over. Pretty bad. It’s alright though- it’s gonna give me a lot of material for our next album. But it doesn’t change how much it sucks right now.”

Derek’s eyes softened.

“I’m really sorry to hear that. I…didn’t know you were seeing someone.”

Vic laughed a bit too bitterly.

“That’s just it, Der. Nobody knew. I wanted to tell the world- I was ready to tell the world. And he wasn’t. As a matter of fact, he was so not ready he completely flipped on me. Played the straight card. Told me ‘we were just messing around’ ‘having a good time’ things like that. Knowing for a fucking fact that he loved me. Just willing to throw it all away because I didn’t want to keep it quiet anymore.” Vic stepped back a few feet and sighed. “I’m so sorry, I have no idea why I chose to vent to you like that. I’m really sorry Derek.”

Derek tried not to let his jaw drop. This was news to him. He had no idea Vic was into guys. He thought his crush on him was a far-fetched surrealistic feeling. But what Vic said completely changed Derek’s initial thought.

“No. Don’t apologize Vic. That’s fucked up. No one should ever have to go through that. I um. I knew. I think. I saw what was happening with you and Kellin. He’s a fucking asshole, Vic. Doesn’t deserve you.”

Vic’s eyes started to water and he bit down on his lip, trying not to break down in front of his friend.

Derek tried his best to keep it together. His feelings for Vic would have to be pushed aside for the time being. Vic needed him as a friend, and a friend only. As much as he wanted to pour his heart out; he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right and it wouldn’t be fair to Vic.

“That’s just it, Der. He’s actually not. He’s kind, and funny, and easy to get along with. He was perfect. But he’s also a coward. So you’re right, I do deserve better. I want to hate him but I can’t. He was my best friend.”

Derek pulled Vic into a much needed hug. Vic gripped Derek’s shirt and buried his face into the man’s shoulder. He didn’t cry, he just didn’t want Derek to let him go yet. So he clung to him until he felt the slightest bit better.

“C’mon Vic, let’s get out of here. We’ll record the rest tomorrow.”

Vic let go of Derek’s shirt and nodded.

“Can we go back to yours please?”

“Yeah of course.”

The two men walked out of the recording studio and somehow managed to escape past all of Derek’s band members. He didn’t blame Vic for wanting to avoid them. He knew what it was like to be bombarded with questions; but he knew they only asked because they cared.

When they arrived at Derek’s house Vic immediately plopped himself on Derek’s huge bed.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Or should I change the subject?”

Derek really didn’t want to hear about how much Vic loved Kellin, but if it was going to make him feel better then he would suffer through it. It killed him because he knew he would cherish Vic like nothing else in this world. He wouldn’t ever hide his relationship with him. He’d want everyone and anyone to know. He’d be proud to call Vic his boyfriend, lover, and partner in crime.

“I feel like if I talk about it I’ll just get upset. I’m done crying over him. Because even if tomorrow he woke up and changed his mind? It’s too late. There’s nothing he could say or do to make things right.”

If Derek ever had the chance to have him, he’d be sure to keep him. How dare Kellin throw all of that away?

Derek sat down next to Vic and put his hand on his shoulder.

“One day you’ll find someone who wipes your tears instead of causes them. Someone worth fighting for. Someone who would do anything for you. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell you he loves you in the middle of a crowd, or at the airport, or in front of his friends. And when you find that person, Vic? Please don’t let him go.”