The Painful Scream That I Heard Last

“…And sometimes I just really hate you, Alex!” Jack shouted.

If he’d been in a better state of mind, he would have regretted those words as soon as they left his mouth. The second he said it, Alex’s eyes filled with tears and he deflated, shoulders slumping. He looked smaller, caving in on himself. “Oh,” he whispered, or maybe he didn’t say it at all, just mouthed it. Jack couldn’t tell. But Alex turned away and retreated to the kitchen.

“Figures,” Jack muttered angrily, flopping back onto the couch. Of course Alex would turn to food for comfort. Like he always did. It was the second week back on tour and until tonight, they’d been getting along just as usual. But just like best friends always do, they’d started bickering. It blew up quickly, which led to Jack’s outburst.

He flicked on the TV as the bus hit a bump in the road. He could hear the microwave and rolled his eyes. That was so typical of Alex that he wanted to laugh. But he was too pissed.

——

The fight had started out as something so tiny and insignificant. Alex had made a snide comment about Home Alone and it being the eighth time they’d watch it that week and could they maybe please for the love of god watch something else? But Jack was tired and cranky and he started flipping out. And one little disagreement had transformed into an argument that kept growing until they were fighting about so many things Alex lost count.

And then Jack said it.

“And sometimes, I just really hate you, Alex!”

He’d never said that before. No matter how mad either of them had gotten, they’d never used the word hate in an argument. Never.

Alex didn’t want to cry in front of him. Not after that. So after taking a quick breath, he turned on his heel and went to the kitchen. Had he been thinking clearly, he would have recognized the pattern: every time he got upset, he fixed something to eat.

But he wasn’t thinking clearly.

He fumbled for something, tears blurring his vision, and he found a pack of microwaveable mac n’ cheese. That would do. He busied himself with making it, trying so hard to keep his mind off what Jack had said. But even as he put it in the microwave and started rooting through the fridge for something to drink, the thought infiltrated his mind and wouldn’t leave.

Jack hates me. Jack hates me. Jack hates me. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Jack hates me.

He was reaching to open the microwave when his world was—quite literally—turned upside down.

——

Over the TV and the microwave and Rian and Zack’s loud voices, Jack could hear Alex crying in the kitchen. Beneath his anger and frustration, he felt a slight twinge of guilt, but he pushed it away. They’d make up in a couple hours. It could wait. Alex would approach him later and they’d both say sorry and hug it out and soon enough it would be like it never happened.

So he settled back into the couch, focusing on the TV.

Before he could mentally register what was happening, he was falling sideways and slamming into the wall of the bus. And from the kitchen, there was a short, terrified scream cut short: “Ja—” and then…

silence.

——

As Alex was thrown violently, he tried to call out for his best friend, but he collided with something before he could get the syllable out. Then he felt pain radiating everywhere, especially his head.

Everything was going dark, and the last thing he thought before his eyes shut was Jack hates me.

——

Jack stood up as quickly as he could, shoulder throbbing. He could feel blood running down his arm, but his priority right now was Alex, Alex, Alex. It was difficult to walk on the side of the bus, but he managed.

He found him awkwardly sprawled on the wall of the kitchen. His eyes were closed. Jack fell to his knees beside him, trying to suck in tears. “Alex?” he choked.

No response.

“Alex, come on, this isn’t funny. Don’t play around like this, not right now.” He shook his shoulders. “Come on, please wake up. Don’t be this way. Get up so we can check on the others.” His voice kept raising and he was sure everyone within twenty miles could hear him. But he didn’t care. “Lex, you’ve gotta get up. I swear I’ll never make you watch Home Alone ever again. Okay, maybe not that, but—wait, yes, that. I will never ever make you watch it again if you’ll just get the fuck up. Come on, please…”

And then somebody was taking him by his uninjured arm and lifting him up and tugging him outside. “No!” he shrieked to the paramedic. “What about Alex? Take him first! He’s worse!” Someone else was already there, attending to Alex.

As they took him away, it hit Jack.

The last thing he’d said was that he hated him.

——

Alex could hear Jack.

Sort of.

He heard little snippets.

He got the gist of it, though. Jack was trying to get him to wake up. He said something about never making him watch Home Alone again. That made him want to smile, but he didn’t know how to move his mouth. He tried so hard to open his eyes, but couldn’t do it.

But suddenly, Jack was gone.

Did he still hate him?

——

Jack’s shoulder was stitched up and he was given some pain meds and released. He found Zack in the ER waiting room. “How are you?” he asked, voice hoarse.

“A few bruises. Nothing alcohol can’t fix.” His face looked pain, like he was trying to force a smile but couldn’t manage.

“And…Rian?” Jack felt like he already knew the answer.

Zack shook his head sadly. “He didn’t make it,” he whispered.

“Has anyone called Cassadee?”

This time, he nodded. “She’s on her way over. And Jack, Alex—”

“Where is he?”

“They took him to a better hospital, but it’s not looking good.”

“What hospital?” Jack asked, already leaving. He had to go to Alex and be there for him and tell him he was sorry. He couldn’t let the last words his best friend in the world ever heard from him be I hate you.

But those wouldn’t be the last words, because Alex would wake up. He had to.

——

Alex heard clips and phrases and had a basic grasp of what was going on.

The doctors that were rushing to save him all had a very pessimistic outlook.

And Jack wasn’t there.

He must really hate him…

——

Jack burst into the hospital and hastily gave his name at the front desk. She told him the room number but added, “I don’t know if he can have visitors yet. They’re still trying to stabilize him.”

He’d walked away before she was half done with her sentence.

He wasn’t allowed in the room. Doctors were in and out like lightning, dashing back in at every beep. Jack grabbed one by the arm and asked, “Is he going to make it?”

The doctor’s face was grim. “There’s a chance he won’t make it through the night, and even if he does…he probably won’t wake up. The head trauma is severe; we’re about to take him to surgery to see what we can do.”

——

The word “surgery” was said a few times, and then Alex felt himself being moved.

And then he heard his name.

It wasn’t just anybody saying it. It was a voice he’d recognize anywhere.

Jack was yelling, “Alex!”

But his voice started to drift away.

——

Jack saw them wheel Alex out of his room and down the hall, several doctors and nurses alongside him. He called out his name, to no avail. They didn’t even stop as they ran past. Zack, who had joined him a few minutes earlier, patted his arm comfortingly with one hand as he stroked Cass’s hair with the other.

He stood up, not sure where he was going. He had to go somewhere and be alone.

And that’s how he ended up in the hospital’s small chapel, doing something he hadn’t done in years.

He collapsed, letting his bony knees hit the floor with a thud, and clasped his hands together.

“God…it’s been a while, and I don’t even know if you’re out there. If you are, please…please let Alex live. He’s one of—no, not one of—he is the greatest guy I’ve ever known. He’s amazing. He’s a good person and he doesn’t deserve to die so young. If you’re as good as everyone says you are, you’ll make sure he wakes up and he’s fine.”

He was sobbing, body shaking as he kept praying. “I know I’m not the best person ever. Hell—sorry—I’m probably not even in the top quarter of people out there. But you can’t take my best friend away from me. He makes me a better person. When he’s around, I want to be the best I can be. I want to improve myself. If he was gone…I don’t even know what I’d do.”

——

Alex was out of surgery but still wouldn’t wake up. Cassadee and Zack had no idea where Jack was. They were both anxious, Cassadee pacing back and forth in the waiting room and Zack tapping his foot as the speed of light. They were keeping their minds off Rian by holding onto the hope that Alex would be okay.

One of the doctors ran out of Alex’s room and they both froze. “You’re Alex’s friends?” When they nodded, he said, “Come with me. I have some news.”

——

“I’ll do anything.” Jack was begging now, tears still streaming down his face. “I promise I’ll work harder to be better if you’ll just make Alex okay. I can’t live without him. We’re best friends…he means so much to me. Don’t you understand? He’s my world. Without him, I would just…fall apart. You’ve gotta wake him up. You already took Rian, and that’s bad enough. But without my Lex, I’m not going to have a reason to get up in the mornings. I’m not going to have a friend that’s willing to watch Home Alone with me for the millionth time. I’m not going to have someone to help me fix my mistakes. I’m going to be alone, and I can’t live with myself knowing that the last thing I ever said to him was that I fucking hate him.”

Was it wrong to swear in a chapel? Jack would worry about that later. “Because I don’t hate him, and everyone knows that. I…I’m so in love with him that it drives me crazy, and for some reason, I always forget to tell him that. I don’t want it to be too late…”

“Jack,” a tiny voice called from the door.

Jack turned around, wiping his eyes. “Cass?”

She smiled weakly. “Alex is awake.”

——

Alex woke up in a hospital room with Zack and Cassadee and a doctor beside him. But no Jack. Oh god…did he honestly hate him? Had he meant it? “Where’s Jack?” he croaked.

“We don’t know. He left when they took you in to surgery,” Zack mumbled, not meeting his eyes. He and Cass were thinking the same thing: Jack ran off almost twenty-four hours earlier. Where could he have been all that time?

Realization dawned on Cassadee. “I know where he is. I’ll be right back!” And then she was sprinting out of the room.

“Where’s…Rian?” Alex asked.

“He…he broke his neck in the crash. He died on impact. They said it was a…painless death,” Zack explained.

Cass was back before he had time to react.

And behind her was none other than Jack.

——

Cass and Zack were polite enough to vacate the room upon Jack’s arrival. “Alex…you’re awake,” he cried, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was so worried.” He was by his bed in an instant. “Lex, I was so scared you were going to die.”

So quietly Jack almost didn’t hear him, Alex asked, “Do you really hate me?”

“God no,” he replied immediately. “I could never hate you. Lex, you know I love you more than anything, more than Home Alone even.”

“That’s a serious statement, Jacky,” Alex warned, corners of his mouth turning up a bit. “Don’t rush into saying something like that before you think of the implications.”

“Stop…you should know better than to use such big words around me,” Jack whined. And then he gently wrapped his arms around his skinny friend, burying his face in his hair. “I’m so glad you’re alive,” he murmured. He kissed the top of his head. “I’m sorry I said I hated you; I didn’t mean it and I have to make it up to you somehow. I—”

Alex cut him off by pulling him down a little and crashing their lips together.