Triangles

"Echo, are you sure everything's okay?" Jan asked, stopping outside the Clinic.

She's the only person I've spoken to all morning. There's no way I'm telling her about Gavin. I've asked her to bring me here, so I can talk to my Psychologist. I'm going to tell him I want to be Mute. I can't do that without his official reasoning. I won't tell him why. He doesn't need to know. I think I have an alibi sorted. I'm going to say I'm sick of hurting people, and I find it easier just to shut up. It's not a total lie - I can be bitchy and mean. I need to shut up. Of course, I'll talk to my Psychologist, Dr. Lehto. He's told me a thousand times that if I'm going to talk to anyone, I should talk to him because he understands. Fair play, he does. He's an old man, he's seen millions of kids like me. He knows exactly what we go through and our daily struggle with ourselves.

"I'm fine" I replied coldly. No, I'm not fine, Jan. I'm numb to any emotion right now. I'm not sad or disgusted or hurt anymore. I didn't feel happy when a cute good morning text came through from Sean. There was no anger when Gavin waltzed into my room and pecked me on the lips. I'm not mad at mother anymore and I'm not jealous of the kids who are better off. So many things that should've stirred something inside me were now falling on an emotionless heart. Not even the memory of last night could make me feel something. It's be better this way. I won't get hurt so much and I'll go back to being alone.

We walked into the Clinic and sat in the waiting room, waiting to see Dr Lehto for my emergency appointment. A Lostprophets song was playing over the radio - Rooftops. This song meant so much to me. It told me that through my doubts, someone will still be there at the end of the line. Now - it's just a lie. A cunning money making scheme to provide false hope. Dr. Lehto called us in 5 minutes early, looking very concerned. Jan refuses to come in. She says it's my business and I quite agree. No one has any right to know. It's not just that, though. She's scared of what she might hear.

"Ms Moon, take a seat..." Dr. Lehto ushered awkwardly as I stepped in the room. He looks the same as always, greying, hair and simple black suit, rounded off with purple tie. I sat down in my usual chair, him taking the black leather office chair from behind the desk. He sighed, running his hands through his thinning hair. He doesn't like emergency appointments, he's a man of schedule. "Now, Echo. What can I do for you?"

"I want to be mute" I replied simply. Lehto was quite taken aback.

"Echo, we've talked about this. Communication is a key part to working this all out. You need to break down these walls and start opening up to people and how can you do that if you won't talk?" Lehto argued.

"Those walls that kept people out are the very same walls that keep me safe. There is one person I can trust, and one person only" I gazed down at my feet. I'm not mentioning any names. "Did you ever think that sometimes we need walls to keep the bad guys out? I mean, the more we open ourselves up and the more people see, the more people can target"

"Echo what's happened?" Lehto asked. That's the thing about this man, he just knows. He can read my face like a map.

"I was hurt. That's all"
"By whom?"
"Someone I trusted"
"What did they do to you?"

I fell silent. He'll judge me and say I deserved it if I tell him. Gavin would get into trouble, then what if his friends come after me for ratting him out? What if Jan thinks her son is a little angel and wouldn't hurt a fly? No one will believe me. The police won't be bothered, they'll probably make up some flimsy excuse and let it slip. I did deserve it. I'm an awful human being. I've deserved every kick and punch that's been thrown my way, and I deserved every second of last night. The pain was my punishment for being alive.

"Echo, you've got to tell me" Lehto urged. "If someone's hurting you it has to stop. Being the way you are doesn't make you less equal to anyone else. If someone's hurting you, you have the right to a voice"

"It's nothing of your concern" I lied. It is of his concern, and he's the only one who can help.

"Don't lie, Echo. It's something serious, isn't it? Before summer, you moved into a foster home, didn't you? How's that going?" He asked.

"Alright" I lied. Nope - I've just been fucking raped.

"Tell me about Gavin? How is he?"

Ah. Lehto will catch me out this way. I don't like lying to him because he always knows. It's all I can do to protect myself though, and perhaps more importantly: protect Gavin.

"The usual" it's only a half lie, Gavin's a flirty, horny teenager to put it simply.

"Sex drive in overload?" He chuckled. His eyes bore into me in a knowing way. He knew. "Echo, rape is nothing to be ashamed of. However, sitting here and lying about it while there could be something wrong with you is dangerous"

"Don't tell anyone please don't tell anyone!!!" I gushed, breaking down in a fit of tears. Lehto stood up, walking over to crouch by my side. He took off his glasses and rubbed my back, hushing me calmly. "Don't say anything..."

"You must see a doctor. You don't have to press charges if you don't want to, but I strongly suggest you do. You are better than those people who walk all over you, you are better than those who cause you harm. If you carry on believing it doesn't matter, people will hurt you. The walls you build to defend yourself will be rendered useless unless you have a strong army to guard it. If you block people out, where will that army come from? Echo - you mustn't believe you aren't worth people's time. You're worth mine, and I promise I will help you deal with the issues in your head. For now - you need to do the fighting. I know you have it in you to become a sociable and happy young lady. Perhaps not here in this town, but one day you'll be happy. You must learn that there are people in this world who consider you a friend and will help and protect you. They are there to pick up the pieces after things like rape and beatings happen. Tell me, Echo - do you think leaving Merthyr will help?"

It's not a sarcastic question. I've been moved from Bridgend to Pontypridd to Barry and finally to Merthyr. Since Merthyr, everything's gone downhill. I hate this place, but so does pretty much everyone. Dr. Lehto knows how much I hate Merthyr. It was voted the third worst town to live in in the whole UK. The misery and depression oozes from every door, seeping into my skin and running through my veins like a deadly poison. The kids growing up here don't feel it. They're used to it and accept that their town is a fucking shit hole. He's serious about moving me somewhere else.

I nodded and brushed away my tears. My blue hair was in a tangle and was greasy. I still feel grimy and dirty from the night before. I was too tired and sore to take a shower last night, and this morning I was adamant I would see Dr. Lehto before anything else. "Ye-yes" I stammered.

"What do you want to do after school?" he asked.

I explained to him my plan to go to college in North Wales and study A Levels and Bac. I'm still not sure what I want to be when I'm older. Something with animals would be fun. I'd probably need science for that though, which I honestly can't stand. Maybe I could take a Human Sciences course and become a Psychologist like Dr. Lehto. I understand what it means to hate yourself and those around you. I've combated mental illness and now I'm so much better. I don't hear voices anymore, thanks to Dr. Lehto. I think I want to be like him when I grow up.

"Do you think you'll be able to last until the end of your GCSE? I'm not comfortable with moving you right now, I think you've made a lot of improvement since you came here" he asked. "Also, I don't want to disturb your schoolwork otherwise you'll never end up like me!" he teased with a friendly wink. "How about I sign you a note so you can go mute?" I nodded eagerly. "But, Echo - you must talk to me, and you have to promise that as soon as you leave Merthyr you make an effort with people" he warned. I nodded again.

He signed the note and slipped it into my hand. He then phoned the hospital, booking me an appointment for our next session. The note was an official medical form for Speech Impediment. He'd noted that it was my choice to be a Mute, and under no circumstances should I be forced to speak. No more being picked on by fucking teachers at least. He stood up and went to the door, to call Jan in. She looks pretty pissed off.

"Mrs Butler, how long has Echo been living with you?" Dr. Lehto asked. Jan was startled.

"6 weeks, why?"
"And she's never had a problem with your son, correct?"
"Well, they've been happy together since she moved in"

Dr. Lehto sighed. "Mrs Butler, I think you should talk to your son about his relationship with Echo. She has made the decision to not speak for the rest of the time she's in your care and I believe the reason why may be because of your son" Jan was extremely startled. Her angel wouldn't hurt a fly! Yeah, right.

"Gavin wouldn't dream of-" Jan started, incredibly angry. Anger used to scare me, but for once I felt immune to it. I hope I've become immune to all emotions. I want to be a recluse, it'll stop it from ever happening again.

"Yes that's enough now. If you'll excuse us, I need a word with Echo" Lehto cut across her flatly. She stormed from the room in rage, furious that her son had been accused of damaging me. He chuckled. "If you need me, don't hesitate to call"

"Dr. Lehto? How did you know I was raped? And how did you know it was Gavin?" I asked out of curiosity. He chuckled again and slipped his glasses back on his nose.

"Gavin is the closest person to you, so he can cause the most damage to you. There was a party last night, on the Davies' land which I presumed he went to. The kids on our street were all coming home wasted, so he must've done too. The way you described Gavin to me the first time you met him was a flirty, perverted guy. Guys like that with alcohol in their system can be a danger. It was only an educated guess, really" he replied, a soft smug grin on his old face. I grinned back - very clever. "Did you do that assignment I set you over the holidays?" he asked.

"Burned it" I replied coldly. He started at me, questioningly. "He's the closest person to me"

Dr. Lehto smiled sympathetically and stood up, opening the door for me to leave. Jan was outside, making an angry phone call to Gavin I presume. I turned around, then waved at him, thankful for all his support. Without Dr. Lehto, who knows where I'll be?