Triangles

"All okay, then?" Gavin asks, knocking on my open bedroom door. He won't step over the threshold, because that's were my territory begins. I nod and slip the photo frame into my case. I don't want to completely forget the good times with Sean and Gavin, though I have scratched their eye out. "So, um, seeing as it's your last day in Merthyr and you're going to forget me, I want to seriously get something off my chest. Can I come in?" he asks. I nod again and zip up my last suitcase. My room feels so bare without all my stuff. It doesn't feel like my room. Cautiously, he enters the room and perches on the edge of my bed, keeping his distance away from me.

"I just want to say that I'm genuinely sorry for what I did. It's not acceptable and you defiantly didn't deserve it. I didn't mean to hurt you or to mess things up. You're right, my original intention was just to have sex with you but I really like you, like really like you. All the pain I've given you doesn't mean anything, it's nothing. I know you'll forget me but I'll feel so guilty for what I've done to you for the rest of my life," he says calmly, guilt in his eyes. He plays with the hem of his shirt nervously, fiddling with a loose piece of thread. "I know you want to. Let it out, I deserve it."

I think carefully before opening my mouth. I like the silence, it's become a part of me. I don't even talk to myself anymore. I just stay quiet and let everything consume me. I've stopped needlessly depending on comfort items or eating when I don't need to. I actually feel a lot fresher.

"I trusted you. I really did. I really thought you could help me find myself and just be normal," I whisper slowly, to avoid building up a temper. He hangs his head in shame.

Silence comes over us once more like a blanket. I see him looking at me from the comer if his eyes. A shiver runs down my spine as nerves creep up my legs, making me ever more uncomfortable. I remember the times where he wouldn't think twice about touching me or kissing me. I'm glad that time is over.

"Echo?! Ready?!" Jan shouts from downstairs. This is the last time I'll ever have to be here or around Gavin or anyone. Maybe I'll miss this room and it's privacy a bit. Because I'm still a minor I've got to live with another family, but they say that way it'll be better because her son was a paranoid schizophrenic. He committed suicide and the poor woman's been on her own since. She takes in students and helps them understand their illness. I don't think it'll be any better. Just more patronising.

"She's ready, Mam," Gavin answers for me. He takes my case and carries it downstairs for me. I take one last look around the room and smile. I'll miss the monsters wallpaper, and the WRU covers. Everything else I can live without. I shut the door and hurry down the stairs and out to the car. Gavin slams the boot shut and turns to smile sadly.

"I'll really miss you. It's been great getting to know you," he says nervously. "Just... promise me you won't forget how beautiful you are and how much you meant to so many people around here." He holds his arms out for a hug. Nervously, I nestle into his muscled chest for the last time. My face hides in his neck like it always used to and my arms wrap around him in the same way they always did before. He smells the same, he feels the same. I've not gone anywhere and I miss him already!

Somewhere off in the distance he and Jan argue about his close contact to me. He cradles me tighter as she insists he put me down. I don't want to let go. I want to stay wrapped up in his arms, one hand combing through my hair while the other makes circles in my back. The pain he's caused me, the anxiety and the fear - it almost isn't real. Tears sting my eyes as I realise what hurts the most. I'm losing one of my only friends. The darker childhood days of sitting alone in a sandpit will only start to haunt me more if I leave. But now I have no choice.

Gavin lets go me, enough to look me in the eye. He smiled sadly and chuckles at my tears. "You'll be glad to be gone before you know it. Just you wait and see." He coos quietly. "Don't let anyone bring you down, you're better than them by a mile."

Jan eventually drags me away, pushing me into the back of her car. A cold wind picks up and the evening erupts with life. In the trees a wood pigeon coos loudly and the bushes rustle with the adventures of animals, the breeze at play with the leaves. A pack of crows take off and fly towards the sunset. The clouds roll over the sun like a veil of darkness over the valleys. Autumn is growing in the darkening shadows like a sinister end to a tale. It means the end of summer and the beginning of a new life for me.

Suddenly I don't want to be without Gavin. I don't want to be seperated from what I know. Leaving Merthyr has never been this scary in my mind. But now I don't get the choice. As if sensing my fear Gavin knocks on the window. I wind it down and reach out desperately for his hand. Jan watches from the front seat in such disdain.

"Please don't forget me," I whimper so quietly Jan couldn't hear. Our eyes meet and the connection I'd been looking for finally hit home. But now it's too late. A part of me wants Gavin to feel it, the other doesn't. His eyes soften with glistening tears and our faces move closer. Jan's grunts of disapproval go unheard. His fingers reach out and caress my cheek like I'm made of fragile glass. In a gentle, sweet, kiss, I find everything I've been looking for. I feel sick to my stomach with overwhelming emotions of anger and happiness. I don't want to love the guy who raped me. I don't want to have any connection with him. But somehow, I do.

"I won't forget you. You won't forget that I was right, either. Love does exist," he stepped back and Jan started the engine. More tears burned my eyes and my body began to tremble. I hadn't said goodbye to Sean. It feels rude not to. The car pulls from the drive and I wave at Gav and my old home. It rolls through the streets that are all too familiar with me. I try to close my eyes but I can feel and recognise every corner in the road. I just want to block it out and start all over again but Merthyr Tydfil will forever be embedded into my mind.