Clarity

I sat through my next class but I wasn’t entirely there. Instead, my mind was too preoccupied with the feeling of my heart ripping to pieces and my trying to understand why I was so fucking stupid. I mean, not only did I allow myself to get played—I didn’t even get to come. So here I was, sitting in this classroom full of people—depressed because I was used, but pissed because the ‘naughty’ side of me wasn’t entirely satisfied.

Again, the fucker used me.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and part of me hoped it was him—but it was Micki.

Trying to bite back the tears, I grabbed my phone and opened the text.

How was the talk, Stephie?

What the hell should I say to her? Oh, if you call bending me over the table a fucking talk and then treating me like I am your average hooker? Furious suddenly, I closed out of her message and went to Matt’s. I typed out a long, detailed message about how I never want to see his face again and that, basically, I hope he dies a long, slow and painful death—hopefully by fucking lions or some shit like that.

My hand was hovering over the send button, but I found myself terrified. Should I sent it to him? Maybe I shouldn’t—what if this is the kind of reaction he wants? I shouldn’t let him see that his has gotten to me the way it did—he didn’t deserve it. So I deleted the whole message and I looked up to see the class being emptied, the professor in the front of the room eyeing me like I was some kind of insect in his room. I blushed a bright crimson red and gathered my stuff—I should have gone home, should have showered the feeling of being used off and just buried myself into my sheets while listening to Adele or something. Instead, I went straight to the bathroom and washed my face and wrapped my hair into a bun on top of my head. I kind of wish that I was wearing sweat pants, but I’m the idiot who got dressed for fucking college.

After my bag was packed, I started to head out of the class room so that I could go meet Mick in the Hawks Nest downstairs. It was nearing four-thirty now and I desperately just wanted to go home and change into comfortable clothes—after showering off the feeling of his hands all over me.

“Stephanie,” I heard my name being called and I turned to see Professor Ramirez’s hazel eyes gazing at me. His eyes looked all too familiar and I felt my heart beginning to swell with the thought of Matt. “It’s only the first day of this class and you’re already breaking one of my most important rules.”

“Sorry, Professor Ramirez.” I murmured as I casted my eyes down to the rug. Professor Ramirez was easily in his mid-thirties, but he aged well. He was from Mexico, his accent coming out strong and clear. His skin was a lot darker than my own and you could see little white hair beginning to make selves known. He was roughly 5’11 and a little on the heavy side, but most of it had to be muscle.

“Is everything okay?” I felt a sob rise up at those words and I could feel the tears trying to fall already—again, actually, but I swallowed through the lump in my throat and gathered myself. When I knew it was safe, I put on a fake smile and pretended that my professor didn’t just use me.

“I’m okay! I just worked a late shift last night, so I am a little out of it.”

He made a face, as if to say he doesn’t believe me, but he sat down on the table—much like the one he bent me over. I focused my eyes on the wall in back of him to try and block out the images. “I understand, Miss. Abney; college is a very expensive thing.” I bit my lip.

“Yes, sir.” I said with a nod of my head. “I am so sorry to make this conversation short, Professor Ramirez, but I need to be somewhere in thirty! I am so sorry about my attitude today in class and I promise I’ll behave myself next time!” I laugh left my lips and I waited for him to reply.

“Alright, kid,” He finally said with a smile. “If I catch you on your phone next time, I won’t pull you to the side at the end of class.”

Nodding, “Okay, thank you Professor!” I turned on my heels and ran out of the class, down the hall to where the stairs were so that I could go and find my best friend before I feel like I was losing myself.

I rounded to corner and stood in the entrance, my eyes scanning the sea of people in front of me for a long, dark haired woman. My heart was beating a mile per minute, and instead of finding Micki, I found Brian who was sitting there chatting away with Matt—his back was towards me, and I was glad for this. Hoping Brian wouldn’t see me, I continued to look for Micki—she wasn’t anywhere in sight.

Saying fuck it, I fixed my back over my shoulders and headed towards the food area. I saw Mary and she grinned at me. “Ah,” She murmured, her blue eyes sparkling. “My favorite customer!” I rolled my eyes and laughed as I stood at the counter, waiting for her to come towards me. She was a great friend of my mother’s—she’s been like a grandmother to me.

“Hi, Mary!” I greeted as she made her way around the pizza and towards me, where she gathered me up in her arms. She pulled me away from her body, keeping her hands on my shoulders as she gazed at me.

“Uh-oh,” She said, her lips forming a frown. “What’s the matter, child?” Her peppered hair was pulled back into a bun and over it she wore a fish net. Damn this woman for knowing me too well! Plastering on a fake smile, I rolled my eyes.

“Just a long night at work,” I lied again and flashed my own white teeth. She narrowed her eyes and let me go, crossing the arms over her chest. I looked around to see a few people milling around here, knowing that soon the dinner rush would be in. “You know how those are.” A chuckle left my lips.

“Of course I do, Steph, but I don’t think you’re telling me the truth.”

“It’s nothing, don’t worry.”

“I feel like it’s something. Here, why don’t I make you a steak and cheese with extra onions?” I grinned, thankful for the distraction.

“Sounds great,” I said and she smiled at me. I think she understood that I didn’t want to talk about it—it was something I liked about her; she could sense things and if you didn’t want to talk about it, she didn’t pester.

“Steph?” Oh no. Please tell me that this wasn’t who I thought it was. Clenching my jaw, I turned around to meet a pair of bright blue eyes and a body any football player would die for. His hair was a sandy blonde color, and over his cheeks he had some random freckles from the son he must’ve caught down at the Bahamas’, a place where his family goes every Winter Vacation. He was wearing a random football t-shirt—the Patriots, of course because we’re in New England—and on his legs he wore a pair of white washed jeans and some winter boots on his feet. Mustering up a smile, I fluttered my fingers in a wave.

“Hi, Jake.” I said.

“Wow,” He said, his eyes running over my body. I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to ignore the urging tickle in my palms—I couldn’t punch him here. “You looked great.” I hid the need to roll my eyes—I’ve looked this way since my freshman year here at Becker.

“Thanks, Jake—you’re look tan as ever.” I smiled, “And I think I see some new freckles.” Jake rubbed the back of his head and laughed.

“Spent some time with my parents this winter,” As always, I wanted to say. Jake was a serious Mama boy, which really wasn’t that bad honestly, but when she nagged you like his did you getting sick of it. Not to mention that she suddenly knows when you’re having sex, when you had sex, and could even tell you where. She’s a creep.

“How was it down there?” I asked for the hell of it—I didn’t really care. I’ve been there before; of course it was with him and his family. His mother had threatened me then, and I had confronted him about it but he called me a lying sack of shit and I took the first plane back.

“It was nice.” He said. I nodded and turned around then to check on Mary. My food was still being made and she winked at me. I smiled at her as I felt a hand wrap around my arm. I felt him turning my body so that I was looking up at him. “I’m really sorry.” He murmured. I rolled my eyes and forced my arm from his grasp.

“It’s whatever, Jake.” I muttered before turning back around to Mary. Could this day get any better?

“Stephanie Marie Abney, you slut!” I turned as I heard her voice, and I saw her walking into the little area—her hair tied back now and her beanie probably tucked away in her back. She reached me, saw Jake, shook her head and put her brown eyes on me. “I texted you, why did you not answer me?” My cheeks flamed and I looked at Jake, who stood there like an awkward bear—because for some reason, he always reminded me of one. “Hi, Jake?” Micki said but it came out as a question, her eyebrows raised at me, asking me what was going on. I wanted him to be gone. I wanted to hug my best friend, have her tell me things will be okay. I wanted food. And I wanted to go home.

“I was in class.” I said, hoping she would get the hint.

“Since when do you not text in class!” She said, her hands going to her hips.

“Honey, your sandwich is done.” I turned to see Mary, who was handing me my steak and cheese. Grinning, I took the white wrapped sandwich from her and grabbed some fries.

“Well, bitch, you need to tell me!” Micki exclaimed.

“Steph?” I froze in mid turn—fuck.

“Hi, Brian.” I said as I turned around. Of course, he was wearing the same shit he was wearing earlier. I turned to see Micki, who was staring at him in awe. I raised my brow at her as I looked for Matt and I didn’t see him. “Where’s Matt?” I questioned him, not caring that Jake was there. He wouldn’t know anyways.

He grinned. “Can’t get enough of him, I am supposing.” My cheeks flamed a bright red and I wished that my hair was down to cover my face like a curtain.

“I was only wondering.” I murmured quietly. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged, “Had some time to blow off before I went home.” I nodded.

I saw Micki grinning and she stepped next to me. Jake looked over at me and I could see whatever it was that he wanted to talk about forgotten. He waved goodbye and walked away, not before running into Matt. My heart started to beat and I focused my eyes solely on that large, dark man in front of me. Micki stuck her hand out and fluttered her eye lashes. “Hi, I am Mikayla, but please call me Micki.”

Brian laughed and took her hand into his. “I’m Brian.” He grinned and I could see her swooning—well she’s over that break-up. I shook my head and smiled.

“Hey, Steph.” Matt said as he reached us. I hid my snarl and kept my eyes trained on the wall behind Brian’s head as Micki and he chatted away. Suddenly I was bombarded with what happened earlier today in his classroom and I think he knew it from the embarrassment I’m sure was settling itself of my face. He smirked, his tell-tale sign and I coughed awkwardly.
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“Hi.” I said with a nod of my head, acknowledging the presence. I realized that we were now in the middle of the little café, so I started to head towards the cash register to pay for my foods. I grabbed a quick Powerade before, just to get something to distract myself. I honestly didn’t even want to eat now. I paid for the shit, grabbed Micki’s arm and pulled her away before smiling.

“What?” Micki exclaimed. “What are you doing?”

“Bye! We’re running late for a…appointment…with our…advisor!” I called over my shoulder as I pulled Micki away, who was glaring dagger at the back of my head.