Never Going Back Again

Valencia woke up the next morning between Billy and Armondo. They were all lying in her bed. Billy took up most of the space. Valencia was pushed against him, and Armondo was pressed against her chest. “Billy,” she sighed. Last night just came rushing back to her fast like a bad dream. “Billy,” she said again.

“Val,” Armondo said. His tiny voice sounded miles away. He began to sit up and rub his eyes. He looked around the room and then down at Valencia, and then to Billy. “Who is that?” He whispered as he pointed to Billy.

“He's my friend,” she said. “He stayed with us last night.” Then this saddened look came across Armondo's face and he laid back down. She could hear his little whimpers as he laid down beside her.

“Mommy,” was all he said. Valencia pulled him into her and held him close as they both cried softly.

“I'm so sorry Armondo,” she said as she kissed his hair.

“What happened to her Val?” He asked.

“She just passed in her sleep.” That's what the coroner told her. It looked like a natural death, but they wouldn't know for sure until the autopsy was done. It had just been her time. Valencia ran her fingers through his short black hair to try and calm him down. “It's going to be okay baby,” she said. “We'll figure everything out.” Valencia felt as small as him. She felt like she was looking at herself as a young child, clinging onto her brother, trying to tell him that everything was going to be all right when she couldn't even believe that herself.

“Can you sing to me?” He asked her. “Like mommy used to.”

“What do you want me to sing?” She asked. She didn't have much of voice, but she'd do anything to make him feel better.

“Anything,” he said. Valencia nodded as she began to sing one of her mother's favorite Spanish songs. She held onto him as tightly as she could while she sang. She played with his hair and kissed his cheek. Anything to get him to calm down, anything to stop him for worrying.

Her singing woke Billy up. She heard him grunt as he stretched and then she heard him sigh as he settled back down. He looked over at Valencia, who had her back at him and he listened to her try and comfort her brother. He remembered how he had to do that to Joe so long ago. He remembered how Joe didn't really understand. He was just crying and hurt because his older brother was. So Billy couldn't cry or hurt anymore just so Joe wouldn't have to either.

By the time Valencia was done, Armondo was fast asleep. Valencia let out a sigh as she rolled over on her back. Tears ran down the sides of her face. She took a deep breath, wiped her tears away and looked at Billy. He was staring back at her with this sad, far away look on his face. “You okay?” He asked her. Valencia shook her head as she moved closer to him. She turned towards him and he wrapped his arms around her. She placed her head on his chest as more tears came rushing to her eyes.

“What am I going to do Billy?” She asked. “I can't raise a kid on my own.” She sniffed and wiped her tears away before looking up at Billy. “How did you do it?” She asked. The question caught Billy off guard.

“What?” He asked.

“How did you managed to raise Joe by yourself?” She asked. “It had to have been harder for you though, you were just a kid.” Nobody has ever asked him that before. Nobody has ever asked him what he had to go through after his mother passed. Not any of his boys, no one.

“I did it as best as I could,” he said. His best being, a gang leader in training.

Billy wiped more of her tears away before pulling her up to him so they were eye to eye. “You won't be by yourself though Val,” he said. Valencia couldn't help the blush the was creeping through her cheeks.

“Thank you for staying with us,” she said. “I know you've got a lot of shit to do.”

“Not today,” he sighed. “Bodie's taking care of everything for me right now. I've just got to go see Bones in a little while, then check in with the boys, but after that-”

“You're going to stay with me all day?” Valencia asked. Billy nodded. Valencia almost smiled.

“Then, um, do you think you can help me... with all the arrangements?” She asked. Billy noticed the pained look on her face when she said this.

“You don't need to worry about it,” he said. “Bodie and Joe are taking care of that.” He saw Valencia's eyes begin to water and her bottom lip quivered. She held onto him as she cried into his chest. She let out these sad, depressing sobs as she cried. It was getting to Billy. Seeing her like this was bringing back so much shit that he had dealt with.

“Everything is so fucked up Billy,” she sniffed as she looked back up at him. “My mother, shit with Adalae, us. I just can't catch a fucking break.” There was a short pause while they both just held onto each other. Valencia began thinking about her mother. She thought about everything her mother wouldn't get to see. Armondo growing up, graduating from high school, opening acceptance letters from various colleges, starting a family. It made Valencia want to start crying all over again. Her mother never got a chance to meet Billy. The Billy that Valencia loved. The man, not the monster.

“What's wrong with us?” Billy asked Valencia. “I know shit has been rough, but-”
“Shit has been brutal, Billy,” she sighed. “Yesterday was the first time I saw you since... we stopped talking to each other. I want things to fall back in place, but they can't right now,” she said as she ran a hand down his tattooed arm. “We can try though,” she said. Billy didn't say anything as he looked down at her. He just ran his fingers through Valencia's hair. She sighed as she closed her eyes, letting tears roll down her cheeks. Billy tilted his head forward and kissed her on her neck. Seeing her like this hurt him so much.

Valencia pulled away from him when her mother's phone began ringing. She pulled herself away from Billy and walked into her mother's kitchen to get the phone. “Hello?” She answered.

“Val.” Valencia already knew who it was. She felt more tears coming to her eyes when she heard the distressed voice.

“Hey Adalae,” she sniffed.

“Joe told me what happened,” she said. “He just left. How are you holding up?” She asked. Valencia opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She held her breath as she tried to hold back her sobs. “Val...” Adalae said. Valencia pulled the phone away from her ear as she took a deep, jagged breath. She almost completely lost it when Billy came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back into him and took another deep breath.

“I'm fine,” Valencia said into the phone.

“Are you sure?” Adalae asked after a while. “I know things with us aren't exactly great but...”

“I'm fine,” Valencia said. “Really. I'm just... trying to make things easier for Armondo.”

“Fuck Val,” Adalae sighed. “How is he taking it?”

“Pretty hard.”

“I'm so sorry,” Adalae said. “When Joe told me about it this morning, I just started crying,” she sighed. “He even seemed kind of torn up about it. He said he thought your mom was real nice and that she offered him food.” Valencia smiled a little. That sounded like her mom. Probably offered it to him when he and Bodie were sitting outside her house. “I know you've got a lot of things to do,” Adalae said. “I'll let you go. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your loss... and I wanted to thank you getting Joe here,” Adalae said. “You have no idea how much that meant to me.” Valencia took another deep breath and kind of nodded.

“You're welcome, Adalae,” Valencia said.

“I'll call you back later to see how you're doing.”

“All right. Thank you Adalae.” Valencia hung up and turned around to face Billy. He had on his coat now.

“You don't know what you're doing to me right now Val,” Billy sighed as he took her face in his hands. “I know it's hard,” he said. “But you can't sulk like this. Your brother can't see you like this.”

“I know,” Valencia said. “But, Billy it hurts.” Billy looked down at her. Her eyes were big and red and filled with tears. Her face was contorted into something so painful it could break anyone’s heart. It was currently breaking Billy's.

Billy held onto her and put his face into her neck as she cried into his. “I don't want to feel like this Billy,” she cried. “Make it stop.” She held onto him tighter when he kissed her neck. “Make it stop.” Billy closed his eye sand clenched it jaw. He could feel himself being pushed over the edge. He could feel this old pain burning a hole through his chest. Something he been trying so hard to hide deep down inside himself was making it's way back to his heart.

“Shit Valencia,” he breathed into her neck. They pulled away from each other as he kissed her forehead. “I've got to go see Bones,” he said. “But I'll be back.” Valencia nodded before Billy bent down and kissed her on her lips. “Go lie down. Get some rest, okay?” Valencia nodded again, and just like that, Billy was gone.


Billy was parked around the corner from Valencia's home. He was just sitting in his car, lighting cigarette after cigarette, trying as hard as he could to stop from shaking. He was losing it. The death of Valencia's mother was taking a toll on him. He never met her, he never saw her. All he knew about her was that she was Val's mother, but he was losing it like she was his own. Billy hit his steering wheel for what seemed like the millionth time before taking another drag from his cigarette. His heart was aching with the old pain of his own mother's death. It was tearing him up. He only knew one way to deal with it. It's how he dealt with everything when he didn't get his way or when alcohol couldn't heal him.

For a moment, Billy thought that he was going to have to put a bullet in his own head to bring himself out of his misery. “Fuck,” he said. Then he saw him walking down the street. Every fours steps, he would look over his shoulder, trying to look casual as he did it. Trying not to look like an addict. Billy got out of his car and tossed his cigarette on the ground. Bones could wait a little while longer, he thought. Billy pulled out his phone as he began following the guy. He had to call Bodie before he went through with this. He had to warn somebody that they might all be in some shit later.

“What's up Billy?” Bodie answered.

“You remember that prick that I caught at the Four Roses? The one that owes Bones?” Billy asked. Bodie was silent for a while. “The one I let go...” Billy sighed.

“Oh yeah,” Bodie said. “That day you went ballistic on Val's face?” Billy gritted his teeth at the thought. He ran a hand down his face as Bodie apologized.

“I'm following that fucker now,” he said.

“What for?” Bodie asked.

“I'm about to collect.”

“Shit Billy,” Bodie sighed. “I thought Bones said not to touch him until he paid up.”

“Forget what Bones said. This fucker has taken too damn long,” Billy said.

“You sure you want to do this Billy?” Bodie asked. “You know what you're about to put yourself through?”

“I need to clear my head,” Billy said. Bodie didn't say anything for a while. He didn't know what Billy was going through, but he could only imagine. The last time Billy said he needed to clear his head was after his mother died. When Billy came back, his knuckles were busted open and bleeding. He had beat a kid to a pulp. Surprisingly his parents didn't press charges. At eleven years old, Billy nearly killed a kid to clear his head. Bodie could only imagine what he was about to do now.

“Do what you gotta do man,” Bodie said. Billy hung up his phone and slipped it into his pocket. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it quickly as he continued to follow the junkie in front of him. He pulled his gun from the waist band of his jeans when he saw the guy walk down an alley. Billy knew he shouldn't be doing this. Bones didn't want him to. If Valencia hadn't walked into the bar that day, the job would've already been finished.
Billy stuck his head around the corner of the alley and peered down it. The man was standing there with another guy. Billy could tell by the way they were huddled close that they were doing more than just talking. He could tell that the man was buying. Billy shook his head. All doubts and uncertainties disappeared. “You have enough money to buy from this fucker, but you don't have enough to pay me?” Billy asked as he approached the two men. The dealer was tall with short black hair. He had tattoos running up his neck like Billy did, but his were much different. They were colorful. He had two large roses on either sides of his neck and if he tilted his head just right, you could see the tattoo under his chin that went from the left side of his jaw to his right. He didn't look like any of the dealers around though. He was wearing a fitting pair of blue jeans, a pair of black Chucks, a white t-shirt, and a black blazer.

“B-B-Billy,” the man stuttered. He looked terrified. “I-”

“You fucked up man,” Billy smirked as he took a drag from his cigarette.

“Hey man,” the dealer said as he stepped forward. “Why don't you back the fuck up and mind you fucking-” He was silenced by the pain that was shooting up his leg. Billy had pointed his gun right at his knee and pulled the trigger without a second thought. The guy fell to the ground screaming. So did the junkie. He knew what Billy was going to do. He could tell when Billy approached him that he wasn't going to make it out of this situation.

“B-Billy, please,” he said putting his hands up. “I've g-g-got money. I don't have it all, b-b-but...” Billy didn't let him finish. He walked over to the guy and his gun right at his temple before letting it go off. Now all that could be heard was the guy screaming on the ground next to him. Billy completely ignored him as he bent down and started rummaging through the lifeless junkie's pockets. All he found was a couple of twenties, a small baggy filled with coke, and pieces of foil.

“Fucking junkie,” Billy said as he shook his head and tossed his cigarette.

“You have no idea what you just started!” The man on the ground yelled. “I know people! They're going to come and fuck you up!”

“Are they?” Billy smirked as he bent down next to him. He reached into his pockets and took out all of his drugs and money. He ended up getting more than what the junkie owed. “You're lucky I don't blow your brains out.” Billy said as he hit the guy in the face with his gun. He stood up straight and began walking out of the alley. Bones shouldn't be too upset with what he done seeing as how Billy got the money. His meeting with Bones wouldn't be a walk in the park, but it shouldn't be too bad. Even if it was, it didn't matter to Billy right now, because his head was clear.


“You want another one man?” Tommy asked from his seat across the table. Nobody was really talking. They were all sulking for Valencia. They were sulking for Billy.

Billy pushed his glass forward towards Tommy and looked at his brother. He looked like he was in pain. “You gonna cry Joe?” Billy asked. Joe looked down at his brother's arm. The left arm of his gray shirt was nearly covered in blood. Bones had shot at him. He aimed for his chest but got his arm. It was just a bit deeper than it would if the bullet had grazed him.

“I hate him,” Joe said as he shook his head. “That... that fat fuck.” Everybody shared Joe's anger and pain, but they all had a laugh at what he said. Even Billy let out a little chuckle.

“What're you gonna do about it, Joey?” Billy asked with shrug. Joe just leaned back in his seat looking more hurt than ever.

“How is Val?” Bodie asked. Billy looked over at him and shook his head.

“Go get me a bottle of Jack,” Billy said to Jaime. He nodded and got up quickly. “She's bad,” Billy answered. “I almost don't want to go back. It's... it's just so...” He stopped and shook his head. Bodie understood. His girl was hurting, so he was hurting.

“What about the other one?” Spink asked as Jaime came back to the table with Billy's bottle.

“What other one?” Billy asked. Bodie looked at Joe and smirked.

“Joey's girl,” he said. Joe kind of sunk deeper into himself as all the guys started making little comments about Joe and Adalae.

“I haven't talked to her since I cut her off,” Billy said. “It's gotta stay that way too.”

“What about Joey?” Bodie asked. Billy just shrugged as he stood up and grabbed his trench coat.

“He can do whatever the fuck he wants.” Billy grabbed his bottle and began heading for the door. “I'm going to Val's. Don't call me, I'll call you if I need you.”


When Billy walked inside Valencia's mother's house, he expected to see Valencia in the same spot he left her earlier that day. She would be standing there, her eyes still blood shot and filled with tears. When he walked inside, he was surprised to see her standing over the stove in the kitchen. She had changed her clothes and her hair was up in a pony tail. Armondo was sitting on the sofa watching cartoons with a blanket wrapped around him. As soon as he saw Billy, he pulled the blanket up to his nose and slumped back into the sofa. “Val,” he said.

“Yeah honey?” She asked. She turned around and looked at him before noticing Billy in the doorway. “Hey,” she smiled as she leaned against the counter. “What took you so long?” Billy gave her this knowing look and her smile faltered a bit. “Bones?” She asked. He nodded as he sat down the bottle of Jack Daniels on her mother's coffee table. He looked down at her brother who was staring at him with narrowed eyes.

“Hey,” Billy said. Armondo didn't say anything. He just stared back. Billy shook his head as he walked into the kitchen.

“Val,” Armondo said. Valencia took her eyes off of Billy and looked over at her brother. “Can I watch TV in my room?” She nodded. Armondo got up quickly and walked towards the hallway. As soon as he got to his door he stuck his tongue out at Billy.

Billy looked around the kitchen and noticed that Valencia had made a ton of food. “Are you hungry?” She asked. “I couldn't eat half of it if I tried.” Valencia kind of smiled. She looked up at Billy to see that he still looked down.

“Why'd you make so much?” He asked. Valencia's smile faded as she looked around at everything she made.

“I had to stay busy,” she said. “I needed to clear my head.” Billy nodded.

“Stop for a minute,” he said. “I got you something.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the living room. “Despite what you may think, you'll need this.” Billy sat down and pulled Valencia down with him. She sat down in his lap and put her arm around his neck.

“What is it?” She asked. Billy wrapped one arm around her middle and nodded towards the bottle sitting on the table. “Alcohol?” Valencia asked. She couldn't be surprised if she wanted to. “Billy, I-”

“Take a few sips Val,” Billy said. “It's much better than cooking.” Valencia shook her head as she leaned forward and grabbed the bottle.

“I don't need this Billy,” she said. “I rather be in crazy, mind numbing pain, than to be boozed up. I don't like that.” Billy took the bottle from her and began opening it. “Thank you though,” she said. “Thank you for thinking of me.” Billy kissed her on her neck before taking a swig of Jack. She leaned back into him as he continued to drink.

“Val,” Armondo yelled from him room. Valencia got up and walked towards the hallway. Armondo was standing there in his pajamas with his comforter wrapped around him. “I'm going to go to bed now,” he whispered.

“Okay,” Val said. “In here or my room?” Armondo poked his head around the corner to look at Billy.

“Is he staying here?” He asked. Valencia just shrugged. “I'll sleep in here,” he said.

“All right,” Valencia said as she picked him up. She laid him down in his bed and kissed him on his forehead. “You sure you wanna sleep in here?” She asked him. Armondo nodded. “Okay,” she said. She kissed him once more on the forehead before telling him goodnight.

A fourth of the bottle was gone when Valencia came back into the living room. Billy looked like he hadn't moved an inch at all. He was sitting there with the same expression and the bottle still in his hand. “Is it that good?” Valencia asked as she sat down next to him. She accidentally bumped against his arm slightly, causing Billy to wince.

“Fuck Val,” he said as he grabbed his arm. “Watch it.”

“What's wrong?” She asked as she looked down at his arm. “What's wrong with your arm?”

“Nothing,” Billy said. He took another drink from the bottle before putting his arm around her shoulders. He didn‘t even flinch. “It's fine.” Valencia frowned and turned towards him.

“Let me see,” she said. Billy shook his head.

“You’re making something out of nothing. I’m fine.”

“Take off your coat,” Val said. “I want to see for myself.” Billy groaned.

“It's nothing Val,” Billy said as he tried to get out of his trench coat. “I'm fine, it's just Bones being Bones. Nothing I couldn't handle.” Valencia brought her hand up to her mouth when she saw the blood stained sleeve of Billy’s shirt.

“Oh my God, Billy,” she said. “This isn’t nothing.”

“Val,” he said. “I swear I’m fine.”

“No you’re not!” She said. “Lift up your shirt.” Billy groaned and shook his head as he took his arm out of his shirt.

“See,” he said. “It’s just a little cut. It’s nothing. I’ll live.”

“He fucking shot you,” Valencia said.

“Val, he missed.”

“He didn’t fucking miss, Billy!” She screamed. “You’re fucking bleeding.” Billy looked down at his arm and just kind of shrugged.

“Not anymore,” he smirked. Valencia looked at him wide eyed. She couldn’t believe how easy going he was about his father taking a shot at him.

“Are you kidding?” She asked. Tears began making their way to her eyes. “Billy… are you serious?” She asked. “You have no problem with your father trying to shoot you?” Billy just shrugged as he took another drink from the bottle.

“Fuck Val,” he sighed. “What are you getting all misty eyed for?” Valencia just looked straight ahead and tried to avoid Billy’s gaze as tears slipped down her cheeks. “Val,” Billy said. She wiped her eyes and shook her head. “Val, look at me.”

“I can’t deal with all this right now,” she sighed. She took the bottle from him and took a few sips. “I need a distraction.” She took one more swig before setting it down on her mother’s coffee table and looking at Billy. “Distract me.” Billy didn’t say anything else. He took his hand and placed it behind her neck. He heard Val take in a deep breath before he kissed her. She wrapped both of her arms around his neck before he pulled her onto his lap. She pulled away from his lips and let him kiss down her neck. Valencia closed her eyes as she held him close to her. She felt so happy and scared to have him back. Happy because she loved him and now she was with him again. And scared because now she just wasn’t looking out for herself. She had to take care of her brother. She couldn’t just care for herself now, and she didn’t want Armondo to be around Billy and his gang. She didn’t want to influence him in anyway. But Valencia pushed all that aside for now. All she wanted to think about was how much better she was about to feel as Billy picked her up and walked her to her room.