Never Going Back Again

“Is it over now, Val?”

Valencia could hear the hurt in Armondo’s little voice. He sounded exhausted. No child should sound this exhausted. Her heart has been breaking for her little brother ever since her mother had passed. It has been nothing but a constant struggle since then as well. She felt like she was pushing a boulder up hill with no end in sight.

It’s only going to get worse, she thought.

Valencia knew that killing her father was a risk, but she figured it would pay off in the end. She’d still have her brother, she’d still have Billy. Everything would be okay. Thinking about it now, she knew she was wrong. Now she was worried about cops, about her father’s family, his other children. That scene she just made at her mothers funeral didn’t help at all either. Valencia fucked up and she had no idea how to fix it.

“For now, Mondo,” she said. “It’s over for now.”

“Who were all those people?” He asked.

“Mostly Ma’s family. The others were strangers.”

“Like that man who came to the house? The one that made you sad?” Valencia looked at Billy. He had been silent for the entire ride home so far. She could only imagine what he was thinking. He was probably thinking that killing her father was a mistake as well. He took a quick glance at her before looking back in the rear view mirror.

“Yeah,” Billy said looking at Armondo. “Just like him.”



Valencia looked down at her sleeping brother. She ran her fingers through his hair as he stirred in his sleep. He finally looked at peace with tiniest hint of a smile on his lips. Tears began to fill Valencia’s eyes. She bit down on her lip to try and suppress the cry that was trying to make it’s way out. Valencia hoped that everything she has done hasn’t fucked up her brothers future. Everything she has done has been for his future. Or at least that’s what she told herself. Better than believing the truth. Better than believing that she’s selfish and that she did all of this because she didn’t want to be alone. Didn’t want to be without Billy.

Valencia didn’t want to be without Billy.

That’s it. That’s exactly why she asked him to help take care of her father. If Valencia’s father actually did take her brother, Valencia would have no choice but to go with him as well. She would never abandon her brother. She would be forced to stay with him and that’s what she was afraid of. Her father is dead so that she could have some more time with Billy.

Billy.

The same man that had sold drugs to her best friend, slept with her best friend, pulled a gun on her, and threatened her life. The same man who left bruises on her face when he didn’t get his way. The same man that lied to her, disrespected her, and had broken her heart a dozen times already. That’s who she risked her brothers future for. Valencia knew all of this before she made the decision to ask Billy to help her, but it was much easier to pretend that she was doing this all for her brother and not for herself.

“Everything is going to work out,” she whispered as she stood up from his bed. “I promise.”

Valencia walked over to his door, turned around to take one more glace at him, then closed the door behind her. Now she had to go find Billy. He could only be in one of two places: in the living room sulking over a bottle of liquor, or in the backyard sulking and chain smoking. She peeked out into her mother’s living room. No sign of him. Valencia made her way into her room. She could see Billy sitting down on the bench in her backyard through her sliding back door. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence as she opened the door. He just sat there, smoking.

Valencia sat down on the bench next to him. Billy just continued to smoke his cigarette. She then lifted her legs up and turned to face him, placing her legs on top of his own. Finally, Billy rested his hand on her thigh.

“Are you upset?” Valencia asked. Billy shook his head.

“Not upset,” he said. “Thinking.”

“I put Armondo down for a nap. He’s had a long day,” Valencia said as she snuggled closer to him. Billy said nothing. He just continued to look ahead and smoked his cigarette. As soon as he took a drag, she grabbed the cigarette from his hands and brought it up to her lips. This finally earned her a look from him. Now he looked upset. They stared at each other as she took a drag. She only broke her gaze to turn away from him to exhale.

“What the fuck is up with you, Val?” Billy asked, snatching the cigarette from her fingers.

“I’m a little worried about our exit from the funeral,” she admitted.

“No shit,” Billy scoffed. “It didn’t look good.”

“No it did not,” Valencia agreed. “But I’m not letting anyone take my brother.”

“No one is getting him, Val. He’s safe.” Billy assured her as he put out his cigarette.

“For now,” Val sighed. “Fuck, Billy, I’m so worried I did the wrong thing. That I made the wrong choices and I’m fucking everything up. Just making everything worse.”

“Fucking get over it,” Billy said harshly. Valencia was about to get upset and opened her mouth to say something, but Billy continued. “You’ve made your decision. Fucking stand by it. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t let your brother see you losing your shit.”

Valencia turned her head and pretended to look out ahead of her. She was really trying to hide the fact that she was about to cry. Billy wasn’t wrong. Not at all. Hearing him speak just made her doubt herself even more. Billy could tell that he hurt her feelings. He wasn’t trying to. She was trying so hard to make this life her life, he just wanted to give her the facts.

“Val,” he sighed. He could see she was trying to hide her tears. “Look at me.” Valencia wiped her tears away before turning to look at him. Billy then turned to face her. He pulled her closer to him, making her wrap her legs around him.

“I’m not trying to hurt you,” he said. “I’m just saying you’ve got to buck the fuck up. This is what you chose. You’ve got to take whatever comes with it. Don’t roll over and die at the sight of trouble. Fucking fight. Think ahead. Make a plan for all possible outcomes. Don’t let anyone see you sweat. No matter the reason why you did it. You did it, and it‘s done. Now stand by that decision.”

“I know,” Valencia cried. “I know. I just-I don’t think its all been for the right reasons.”

“I know why you asked me to do it. I already know, Val,” Billy assured her.

“No, Billy-”

“Valencia,” he said cupping her face in his hands. “I fucking know and that’s why I did it. I planned on just scarring him off before you even asked me to do anything.”

“Why didn’t you just do that?” Valencia asked.

“You asked me to kill him,” Billy said, as he wiped away a few of her tears. “You wanted to stay and I wasn’t going to let you go anywhere. You were willing to do anything to stay with me. I’m willing to do anything to keep you.” Valencia was shaking now. Tears were pouring out of her eyes.

“I don’t want to let you down,” she sobbed. “There’s going to be cops-”

“Baby,” Billy said, again wiping her tears away. Valencia couldn’t deny the feeling she got in the it of her stomach when he called her that. “I’m not going to let a fucking thing happen to you. I wouldn’t go through all this trouble just to have you ripped away fro me. I love you and I love your brother. Know that I’ve got you both. I’ll protect you both. I just need you to toughen up.“

“Soon someone will start looking for your father. The cops are going to question you. Just tell them what we know. Tell them he came by one day and was gone the next. That’s it,” Billy said shrugging.

“Okay,” Valencia nodded. “He was here and then he wasn’t. Okay, I got it. Thank you, Billy. I’m sorry I got you into this.”

“Val, if I could do it again, I would. Don’t apologize and you don’t have to thank me. You’re my girl, you’re… my family. I’d kill for you a hundred times. So please, just take a breath, and relax. I’ve got you.” Valencia nodded as she wrapped her arms around him. This was the man she decided to stay for.

Billy.

The same man that vowed to protect her and her brother. The same man who was wiping away her tears now. The same man who had killed for her. This is who she decided to stay for. Now she didn’t feel so worried knowing that Billy wasn’t going anywhere. She was relieved to find out that he wasn’t haven’t any second thoughts.

Billy held onto Valencia as she tried to calm herself. He was very proud of himself in this moment. He had just told the biggest lie of his life. Billy was terrified of everything that was to come. Cops were already on him and his boys. Now Valencia’s father would be declared missing and the first place cops were going to look would be here. He knew he could handle it. Him and his boys have all done some time before. Prison didn’t scare them. He was worried about Valencia. She had been acting so strange since it all happened. He was afraid she was going to crack. Billy wasn’t lying when he said he would do it all over again. He loved her that much. He’d do anything so she could stay with him. He just hoped she’d take care of him like he’d taken care of her.

“Val,” he said pulling away fro her. “I do need something from you though.”

“Anything, Billy,” she said.

“All this shit you’ve been doing since it happened, you’ve got to cut that shit out,” Billy said. “I don’t need your help at the Office. I’ll never need your help at the Office. I need you to remember that you should only be there if it’s an emergency. Alright?”

“Alright,” Valencia nodded.

“I’ll never need your help selling.”

“Alright,” Valencia said again.

“Quit acting like a rebellious child. Smoking and fucking your feelings away.”

“Okay dad,” Valencia said.

“I’m serious Val. We don’t fuck to help you forget about your problems. And why are you smoking in the first place?”

“Okay! Okay! Okay! I‘ll stop,” Valencia agreed. “I’ll stop.”

“I just need you to take care of your brother, okay?” Billy asked.

“Okay, Billy. You’ve got my word. I’ll stop being a baby and just take care of Mondo,” she said. “I promise.”

Billy kissed her on her forehead before planting his lips on her own.

“Are you good?” He asked her. Valencia nodded.

“I’m good,” she assured him.

“I’ve got to go meet up with Bodie. We’ve got to go see Bones,” Billy said, pulling away from her. “We shouldn’t be too long. A couple of hours maybe.” Billy stood up, turning to leave. Valencia reached for his hand and pulled him over to her once more.

“Please be careful, Billy,” she said, placing a kiss on the inside of his wrist.

“Of course,” Billy said. He took her face in his hands, kissing her one last time, before turning and walking away.