Reminiscent

Brian walked into his house, the empty feeling returning once again to his stomach. He looked around at the dust-filled room and shut the door behind himself, the echo clawing at his eardrums. He let out an exasperated sigh as he pulled his jacket off, hanging it up on the coatrack. He walked into the living room, rubbing his face, not caring if he smeared the eyeliner he tended to pack onto his eyes. He plopped down on the couch, slouching down and resting his head back, closing his eyes. At least he wasn’t the only one coming home alone for the Holidays; Jimmy was too.

At least Jimmy didn’t kill his girlfriend, a voice in the back of his head nagged.

He cringed and huffed, squeezing his eyes shut tighter. He had blamed himself for what had happened a year ago that day, even though it wasn’t really his fault. He felt like he needed to blame himself, like if he kept blaming himself for what had happened, he’d still have some piece of her with him.

As he stared at the floor, reminiscing the good times with his girlfriend, the house phone ringing pulled him away from his thoughts. He reluctantly got up and walked into the kitchen, grabbing the phone. He didn’t even look at Caller ID before answering it, sighing into the phone as he did so. “Hello?”

“Hey Brian,” Val’s voice entered the phone, and he could tell she sounded concerned.

“What’s up, Val?” he muttered, turning and leaning against the counter, staring down at his feet.

“I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.”

He sighed, rolling his eyes. When Allie died, Brian had gone out on a drinking binge and made himself sick. He’d passed out in the middle of the street and Matt had found him and taken him to the hospital. He’d gotten alcohol poisoning and needed to have his stomach pumped. The doctors told him that he was lucky he’d survived, which only made Brian feel guiltier.

“I’m fine, Val,” he spat.

“Calm down, Bri, I just want to make sure you were okay,” she said with a heavy sigh. “I’m not trying to upset you, you know that. I’m just worried, and I care about you.”

Brian shut his eyes tightly and slowly ran a hand through his dark locks. “I’m fine, Val. Thanks for your concern.”

“If you need anything, you can call me, okay? I’ll be here.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled before really listening to what Val had to say.

“It’s been a year, Bri. You should go see her already, tell her you love her and Merry Christmas.”

“But . . . I can’t,” Brian mumbled, opening his eyes and walking into the living room, sitting down on his couch and slouching back.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because,” Brian sighed, “I . . . I just can’t. I can’t do it.”

“For Christ’s sake, Brian. Quit being a pussy and go see her,” Val snapped.

Brian sighed once more and bowed his head. “But I really can’t, Val. You just don’t understand. I can’t.”

“Okay, Brian. You’re going to regret it. Have a Merry Christmas.”

Beep.

Brian groaned, slamming the phone down on the coffee table. What didn’t she understand? He just couldn’t go see her. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. She just wanted to make him feel guiltier than he already did. He rubbed his forehead and took a deep, sharp breath, slowly exhaling it. It hurt to live. It killed him, but everyone made sure he stayed healthy and alive, which he hated. Couldn’t they see he was miserable?

He scratched the back of his neck, thinking about what Val had said. Was he a horrible person for not going to see Allie? No, he was only doing what any other person would do . . . right? He shook his head at himself, groaning in frustration and rubbing his eyes. He did have to go see her. It was the right thing to do, even if he didn’t want to. He needed to pay her a much needed visit. And he had to get her a Christmas present.



Brian walked into the cemetery, holding the large stuffed bear tightly against his chest. He looked up when he felt a few droplets of water splash against his hands, seeing it was beginning to sprinkle outside. He sighed and looked forward, reluctantly starting to long walk to Allie’s grave. He stared down at his feet the whole time, holding the teddy bear to the side of his chest. It was dark outside, considering he had waited until late to go out, but he could still find her grave without any help. He stopped in front of it, staring at it like it was the devil. The small droplets of rain started to hit his face and he knew he wouldn’t have long before it was pouring.

He sat the teddy bear in front of Allie’s tombstone and sat down in front of it. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed, but a trace of a smile showed on his face as all of the good memories began to flood his memory. He ran his hand across the cold marble and sighed, looking down at his hands. “Well, it’s been a year . . . I haven’t visited you in forever . . . I miss you so much,” he started, looking up at the slab of marble, reading the words on it before he looked back down. “Merry Christmas. I got you that teddy bear you always wanted.” He chuckled softly at the thought, remembering how she’d always begged him to win her a teddy bear when they were younger, but he never had. “You always wanted one, but I never got it for you. I wish I had. But at least you have one now.”

He looked up at the tombstone for a minute and read her name before looking back down at his hands again. “That shouldn’t be your last name. It should be Haner. It should’ve been Haner years ago. That’s a mistake that I will regret forever,” he said, frowning. “It’s hard living without you; without being able to hold you, or see you smile anymore. You were so happy all the time. But I let you down, and I regret that too.”

Brian ran his fingers through his hair, which was beginning to get dampened from the rain. He closed his eyes for a minute and took a deep breath, slowly exhaling it and opening his eyes again. “I think about you all the time. I remember the time when we first met, back in high school. I miss those days. Everything seemed so perfect and we always thought we were going to be so happy together.”

Brian leaned back in his seat, groaning and shaking his head. He was stuck in lunch detention. Again. Surprise, surprise. His dad was going to murder him if he found out. He’d promised the man that he’d do better in school and that he wouldn’t get in trouble again. Too bad he had shitty luck. It wasn’t even his fault, but he’d taken the blame anyways to save Jimmy from getting expelled. At least Matt was in here with him.

He looked around the classroom, seeing all the other kids were occupying themselves with work or doodling. He bit his lip and thought for a minute, glancing up at the teacher before he reached down into his book bag, ripping a sheet of paper out of his notebook and grabbing a pen. He clicked it and then quickly scribed down a note, crumpling the paper up and throwing it across the room at Matt, grinning when it hit him in the head. He looked down at his desk, the genius idea forming in his head.

He looked over at Matt, watching him read the note before he got a nod in agreement. He stood up and walked to the front of the classroom, asking the teacher if he could go take a piss, a smirk on his face. The teacher scolded him for language before agreeing. Brian turned and quickly made his exit, rushing down the hallway and looking around before he walked over to the fire alarm and pulled it, making a face at the loud alarm that rang in his ears. He quickly ran away from the alarm, looking behind him to make sure nobody had seen him, grunting when he ran into somebody, collapsing into them, both of them falling to the ground. He looked down, his eyes widening when he saw a gorgeous girl lying beneath him.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“I–it’s okay,” she stammered, her bright amber eyes sparkling as she stared up at him.

He quickly pulled himself up and took her hands, pulling her up. “Come on,” he mumbled, running down the hall, pulling her alongside him. He pulled her into the custodian’s closet, shutting the door and locking it. He didn’t want to get caught by the teacher he had been spending lunch with. If the man had a brain, he’d know that Brian was the one that pulled the alarm.

Brian looked down at the girl and gave her a charming smile. “Brian,” he said.

She gave him the funniest look, which he grinned at. “Are you sure right now’s the best time to get to know each other?” she asked. “I mean . . . what if we get caught? We’re going to be in so much trouble and—”

He reached up, placing his fingers over her lips, shushing her. “Sh,” he whispered. “What’s your name?”

“Allison,” she murmured with wide eyes.

“Allison,” Brian breathed out. “Pretty name. Look, I pulled the alarm, which is why I pulled you in here. I can’t get caught or I’ll be suspended. Will you promise not to tell anyone?”

Allison nodded her head and reached up, placing her hand on top of his and pulling it away from her face. “I promise,” she murmured.

He smiled at her and quickly kissed her cheek. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He reached over and slowly turned the knob, pushing the door open and peeking his head out, looking around to make sure there was nobody still roaming the halls.

Brian smiled at the fond memory, looking down and chuckling softly. “You were so innocent. I really liked that about you. And the first time we made love. Oh god, I will always remember how amazing it was. I think I knew then that I loved you, but I didn’t want to admit it.”

Allison giggled as Brian dragged her behind the bleachers, gripping onto his hand tightly. “Brian, what are we doing?” she asked, gasping softly when he turned and pulled her into his chest, their lips meeting almost instantly in a breathtaking kiss.

He smiled against her lips, backing her up against one of the poles, resting his hands on her hips. He pulled back after a minute and looked down into her beautiful eyes, a grin spreading across his face. “Sh,” he whispered, pecking her lips. “We have to be quiet.”

“Brian, what are we—”

He silenced her with a kiss on the lips, letting his hands slide up from her hips, underneath her shirt, feeling her soft, warm skin. He pulled back from her lips and buried his face into the crook of her neck, pressing small, tender kisses along her neck while he moved his hands up, cupping them over her bra.

Allison released a soft, breathy and nervous moan as she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. He pulled her shirt up, retreating just long enough to pull her shirt off before he began to kiss down her shoulder to her collarbone, sucking softly on her skin. He pressed her back against the pole again, smirking when she gasped loudly as the cold steel met her skin. He glanced up at her, chuckling softly. “Don’t be nervous,” he told her. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Bri, you’re my first,” she admitted, looking down at him and tangling her fingers into his dark locks.

Brian nodded his head in acknowledgement. “I know,” he murmured. “I’m going to be gentle, I promise.” He knew she trusted him, and he was going to give her the time of her life. He reached down and unbuttoned her jeans, pulling the zipper down before he pushed them down her legs, letting them fall to her ankles. He ran his hands down her sides, taking in the sight of her half naked body before him. “You’re so beautiful.”

Allison blushed and looked away from him, shaking her head. “No I’m not,” she muttered.

He reached up and gently grabbed her chin between her fingers, turning her head so she’d look at him. “Hey,” he mumbled, looking into her amber orbs. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, Allie. Don’t you dare let anyone else tell you you’re not.” He tilted her head back and kissed her lips softly, pulling away and tracing his thumb over her bottom lip.

It didn’t take much longer for the two of them to get out of their clothes and on the ground, Brian cradling her body against his. “Do you trust me?” he asked her.

Allison gave a subtle nod and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Open your eyes,” Brian told her. “I want you to look at me while I make love to you.” She did as she was told and he smiled, pecking her lips. He spread her legs and took the most gentle approach he could, hating the look of sheer pain on her face as he entered her. He wanted to take her pain away, but he knew it wouldn’t last too long, and he knew she’d be okay. He kissed her lips, trying to ease her pain the best he could.

As time passed, her pain subsided and they were both enjoying each other in the most wonderful way, and Brian was in love. He knew he was in love with this girl, and he wanted to be with her for a long, long time. But he was a coward. He might be the most cocky, self-centered guy in school, but he was truly a coward. He couldn’t admit to her that he loved her.

Allison’s moans were like music to ears. He was on cloud nine and this was better than heaven. He never wanted it to end, but this wasn’t the last time that they’d be together. The look of pure ecstasy on her face as she came was enough for him to reach his orgasm, and he didn’t bother pulling out of her. He knew things would be okay. As they came down from their highs, he pulled out and laid next to her, staring up at the night sky. “Allie?”

“Yeah, Bri?” she murmured as she rolled over onto her side, draping her arm over his torso and resting her head on his chest, looking up at him.

“I . . .” He just couldn’t bring himself to say what he wanted to. “That was amazing.”

She smiled and kissed his chest. “You’re amazing. I love you, Bri.”

He felt a pang in his chest and he looked down at her, smiling and brushing it off like it was nothing. “I know.”

“You made me so happy, Allie. It kills me to be here without you. I want to die every day, but I know that’s not what you’d want,” Brian murmured, looking up at the sky to see the rain was beginning to get heavier. He looked back down at the marble slab, a few tears beginning to form in his eyes. “I have to leave soon. I wish I could stay here with you all night, but I can’t.”

He began to think about the big fight, shaking his head and looking down, biting his lip hard. “I should have never let you go. I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Brian!”

Brian sighed and rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “What?” he shouted bitterly, getting up and crossing his arms over his chest. He was so frustrated with her and tired of her constant nagging. He had known this was a bad idea, but he wanted to make her happy, so he didn’t say anything.

Allison walked into the living room, glaring at Brian. “Were you even listening to me?” she snapped.

“I don’t listen to bullshit,” he spat, glaring back just as hard at her.

She took a deep breath and shook her head. “Why am I even with you anymore?” she muttered.

“I think we all know that reason, Allison,” he said, turning and walking back to the couch, plopping down and staring at the TV. Everyone knew Allie was still with him because he was good in bed. It was obvious.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Brian?” Allison asked, a pained look on her face, which of course, Brian ignored.

“You’re in the way, Allison,” he said, trying to see past her.

“Brian, answer my question!”

“Move out of the fucking way, Allison!” Brian yelled at her.

She stared down at him, shaking her head. “I’m leaving.”

“Good,” Brian muttered, sighing softly when she finally moved out of the way. The game was on and he and Zacky had made bets on who would win, and he wasn’t going to miss a minute of it. He didn’t pay attention as Allison pulled her coat and her shoes on, heading for the door with her keys in hand. But what did grab his attention stung him like a million bees at once.

“I hate you, Brian Haner Jr..”

He looked over at her, his blood boiling by this point. He felt his heart break at her words, but he was too much of a coward to show his emotions. He couldn’t let her see how weak he was. “I hate you too,” he muttered.

The look of heartbreak, pain, and agony on her face made him regret what he said, and as she walked out the door, he wanted to get up and run after her, but he stopped himself from doing so. The sound of the door slamming broke his train of thought and he stared at the door, balling his hands into fists and slowly exhaling a shaky breath.

Brian sniffled and shook his head, reaching up and wiping his eyes. “God, I’m so fucking sorry, Allie,” he mumbled. “I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all. I love you so much, and I miss you.” He held back a sob that desperately wanted to escape, hiccuping instead and covering his mouth with his hand.

And at that moment, he swore he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, but when he turned around, nobody was there. He shrugged it off and sniffled, rubbing his eyes. “I love you, Allie.”

“I love you too, Bri.”

He pulled himself up and held a hand to his chest, staring down at her grave one last time before muttering a quiet goodbye and turning, walking away from her grave. He felt a pair of eyes burning holes into the back of his head and a small smile spread across his face, looking down at his feet as he left the cemetery. He knew Allie was with him.