Finding Forgiveness

Kira's POV
We took Misha over to Veronique and Marc's to look after him for the night so he wouldn't have to be around to see anything he didn't need to see, or wouldn't understand.

"We will see you tomorrow baby," I wrapped my arms around him and placed a kiss to his forehead.
"See you mummy," he looked so sad that we were leaving him again.
"Don't worry," Evgeni picked him up and began tickling him, "you will have fun with Uncle Marc," Misha laughed and laughed.

I loved my little guy, he was the whole world to me and to be honest a big part of reason I was doing this. He didn't need to be dragged through all the hassles and fights and whatever would come along with it, he didn't need it and neither did Evgeni.

"I can't," I looked at the tiny pills in my hand. It was hard to believe that these would be the key to ending it.
"It's ok," Evgeni put his hand on my back and began rubbing in circles trying to keep me calm, "just do it when you are ready."

I stood up and began pacing the room holding them tightly in my hand, "If I do this, it's all over," I closed my eyes before looking over at Evgeni sitting on the edge of the bed with sorry eyes.
"Come here," he patted the bed next to him, "just take your time," he gave me a warm hug as I sat down.

"Ok," I took a deep breath and opened my hand to face them one last time.
"Here," he handed over my bottle of water as I placed them between my teeth.

I took a few gulps of water in hope I didn't feel them go down. I knew if I did feel them there would be no way I was swallowing them.
"Done," I sighed as my throat relaxed.
"Just relax," he put his arm around me as I calmed down down trying not to cry.

I screamed in pain as a wave of cramps hit me like I had been hit by a bus.
"Evgeni do something," I grabbed my stomach as I withered in pain.
"Shhh, its ok, it will pass," he ran his hand through my hair, "do you want some pain killers?"
"Yes, yes anything," I grabbed a hold of his hand and squeezed it so tight his knuckles began to go white.

I knew it was the right decision to make in having the abortion but I couldn't help but feel like I was letting the little guy down. I felt like I was letting the whole world down.

Evgeni's POV
I watched as my girlfriend experienced some of the most excruciating pain she would ever be in, both physically and emotionally.

"It's ok Kira, it's ok," I tried to keep her calm as she cried into my chest.
"Evgeni please, help," she cried as we waited for the painkillers to kick in.

"Is it ok now?" I asked as her eyes began to slip shut.
"I think I am going to be sick," she mumbled.
"Ok come on," I helped her out of bed and into the bathroom.
"Are you ok on your own?" I set her on her feet where she wobbled a little before falling to her knees in front of the toilet.
"Kira!" I knelt down next to her rubbing her back hoping to ease the pain, even just the slightest.

"We should never have done this, keeping the baby would have been easy," I grabbed her as she was about fall to the floor.
I couldn't help but feel guilty and completely useless watching her go through all of this. While I was there I felt she was going through all of this on her own.
"No, no it was the right choice," she breathed calming herself down, "can you help me?" she started climbing to her feet.

As it turned out this was really only the beginning as she got up numerous times during the night. I tried to get to eat and drink or do something but it was all too much for her.

"It will be all over soon, I promise," I laid down next to her tucking her fringe out of her face and she laid flat on her back in pain.
"I hope so..." her bottom lips quivered uncontrollably.
"It will be," I kissed her lips for reassurance.

I hadn't really kissed her so each time I did it was like a shock to my senses. Her soft lips, I had missed them so much. I just really hoped that we could get back to where were before.

She got up one last time, it wasn't rushed, she calmly got up even though she was clearly in pain and shut the bathroom door behind her.

I don't remember how long I sat there waiting. I laid upside down, I twiddled my thumbs, bounced my knee, but nothing seemed to make time go by faster.

"Kira?" I pressed my ear to the door once her crying fallen silent. I heard the toilet flush and a moment latter she opened the door.
She didn't have to say anything, I knew right away that it had happened.

"It's over," I pulled her into my embrace, "it all over," she collapsed in my arms in tears.
"It was so tiny," she sobbed, "so helpless. What have I done?"
"Kira, hey look at me," I grabbed her face and tilted her head to look me in the eyes, "you did the right thing... and I am sorry, I truly am. Maybe if I have worked all the out before none of this would have happened."
"You don't have to be sorry, it's not your fault," she sobbed.
"But it is Kira..." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, "I should have been there to protect you, I am sorry," I tucked her head under my chin, "I am so sorry."