Let's Set Our Hearts At Self-Destruct

Avery quickly pulled away and looked towards the direction of the voice. Vic sat leaning on the far end of the counter, rubbing the back of his neck. She looked between him and Jaime, who was speechless. Before she could start crying again, she made her way to the door, quickly making her way outside. She ran down the stairs, her head reeling. Running away from her problems was something that she was good at. That, and drinking them away. The alcohol from the night before caught up to her and as soon as she hit the grass, she felt sick. With a hand on the building for support, the small girl begrudgingly ridded her stomach of it’s contents. Getting sick along with the morning’s event made Avery cry harder than she had since she arrived in San Diego and it made her slide down the wall, her head in her hands.

This was a mistake. She should have never came back, she should have gone somewhere new. Somewhere no one knew her; somewhere no one could judge her for her previous mistakes. The thought of being so terribly alone in a new place scared her and she wrapped her arms around her body, slightly shaking. Why did she have to see Jaime again? Why did he have to say that he loved her?

She heard someone coming down the stairs and Avery got up quickly, planning to run away again.

“Damnit Avery, please don’t leave again. We still need to talk.”

Jaime was standing behind her and she hugged herself as she turned around slowly.

“I think you’ve said enough, Jaime.”

She mumbled, not able to fully look at him.

“Fine, then you talk. Why did you have to sleep with Vic, Avery?”

She finally looked up at him, every ounce of hurt she felt that morning apparent on her face.

“I didn’t! I didn’t sleep with Vic. We talked for a while and ended up falling asleep. We just want to be friends.”

“Are you sure? Because his expression showed otherwise.”

Avery frowned and bit her lip, not knowing what to say. Vic might like her, but she didn’t think she liked him back. She had at first, but the only reason she wanted to hang out with him was because she was lonely. Jaime called her out on it, so she couldn’t exactly lie about it now.

“I promise.”

Jaime started to walk closer to her, but she backed up, not wanting to be too close to him.

“Avery, please talk to me.”

“About what?! About what, Jaime? How you hate me and accuse me of sleeping with your best friend? Or about how you “love me” and decide you want to kiss me?!”

He looked down and kicked a small pebble, defeated.

“I don’t hate you.”

“Why not?! You said you loved me and I left you! Why the fuck don’t you hate me? Because I sure as hell hate me, and I’m pretty sure everyone else does.”

Jaime looked up at her, shocked. Avery was yelling, her face pink and splotchy with a mixture of anger and sadness. She hated herself? Why would she hate herself? He held his hand out, desperate to hold her and tell her that everything would be fine. He wished things would be like they were in movies and she would run into his arms and finally admit that she loved him too and they live happily ever after or some shit like that.

“People don’t hate you, Ava! Vic doesn’t hate you!”

“Why shouldn’t he? He just saw me kissing his best friend!”

“If that’s a reason to hate someone, he should hate me, not you. And like you said, he just wanted to be friends anyway.”

Avery kept yelling, and people walking down the street were starting to look. Jaime was trying to stay calm and get her to calm down as well. Ever step he took towards her, she would back away. She was so stubborn sometimes and he wished she would stop fighting him already.

“Ava, please stop yelling at me! Can we please just have a fucking civilized conversation?!”

Her eyes widened as the level of his voice increased and she shrunk back. He sighed and looked at her, desperately wanting to wipe her eyes. Why did they have to fight? Jaime was tired of fighting and he wished she would just stop.

“Fine. We’ll talk. But that’s it.”

Avery gritted her teeth, pulling herself together. He was right. She was being irrational. It was just the voice in the back of her mind making her feel those things. The same voice that made her think it was okay to drink her inhibitions away. She finally composed herself and looked to Jaime, who looked awful. He looked so tired and upset and a part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him and say she was sorry. She couldn’t do that though, she was too proud.

“Okay… well.. I’m sorry I kissed you.”

Avery looked up at him, not knowing what to say. He was rubbing the back of his neck and looked uncomfortable. He really wasn’t sorry that he kissed her, he was sorry that it didn’t work. He wanted to kiss her again and again but it was quite obvious that she didn’t feel the same way.

Avery was tired of hurting him. She was tired of being so stubborn. She left him and he didn’t hate her. It wasn’t fair to continue hurting him when he had given up so much of himself for her. She licked her lips and stared at the ground, too afraid to look at him.

“I- I’m sorry I left you. I knew it hurt and it was fucking selfish of me and I’m sorry.”

Jaime smiled, swallowing back tears. He wasn’t going to be sentimental and gross, but he had waited for her to say that for seven years. Without asking her, he wrapped his arms around her small frame and hugged her, showing that he had forgiven her. Avery smiled and laughed slightly, a weight finally being lifted off of both their shoulders.

After their embrace, Jaime let go of her awkwardly and ran his hand through his hair. He still loved her and now that she had said that, he was giddy that he might have his Ava back for good.

“Well, you’re here now. That’s all that matters. That is, if you plan on staying here, being my friend. My Ava.”

Avery shook her head with a sad laugh.

“Honestly Jaime? I don’t think we can really be friends anymore…”

Jaime looked down at the ground with a deep frown. This was almost as worse as when she left him.

“Why?”

He mumbled, barely above a whisper.

“Because, Jaime. You did say that you loved me. That would just make it weird.”

Ever since he said that to her, Avery had been lying to herself. She had felt the same way once, and him saying that he loved her sparked the flame in her stomach again. She had refused to feel it, not wanting to get close to him again. The bad thing was, he refused to let her slip away again, even if it meant still only being her friend. He lifted his head and quickly shook it, forming the biggest lie he had ever told.

“No. You’re wrong. I said loved. I loved you. I just want to be your friend, Ava.”

Choosing to believe him, she smiled. She didn’t want to lose Jaime again just as much as he didn’t want to lose her. She had been lonely for so long, she didn’t want to let go of the only hope she had. She wrapped her arms around him and he eagerly hugged back, finally feeling like it was real. He finally had his Ava back. He couldn’t be happier. Avery on the other hand, felt the familiar insecurity creeping up on her again. He would leave her. He would leave her and she would be alone and worthless.

“Please. Promise you won’t leave me.”

She whispered in his ear, her voice almost catching in her throat as she held back tears.

“I promise. I won’t ever leave you, Ava. Not unless you push me away. Even then, I won’t go down with a fight.”

He chuckled lightly, basking in the feeling of holding her again, of having her in his life again. They finally pulled away from each other and for the first time in a long time, Avery trusted what he said.