Sweet Dreams, Hannah

CHAPTER FIVE

Beep beep!

I groaned softly, opening my eyes and rubbing them. The clock on the wall of my hospital room showed 3:25am. Sighing softly, I wondered who could be texting me at this hour.
Sitting up with a wince, I reached over and grabbed my phone, unlocking it. Apparently, it wasn’t a text. It was an email. My phone is set to alert me of an email every three hours, because the only emails I ever get anymore are from school. Tapping the little envelope, I watched as bolded letters appeared on the screen.

1 New Mail! - from zachattack23@hotmail.com

Followed by two buttons

View? Ignore?

My heart stopped.

Completely

“Z-….Zack..?” I whispered, choking up. I quickly hit ‘view’, and began to cry softly at the text of his email.

‘I’m okay.’

I suddenly recalled a piece of the very first email I had ever sent to Zachary, not too long after the accident.
‘Please, at least write me an email to let me know that you’re okay. I need to know that you’re still alive.
Still breathing.
Still being…Zachary.’

He’s okay….

I have to see him.

The boy who was the center of my thoughts for the past year.

The boy who rammed his car into a tree, because he thought that no one cared.

The boy who I left, bleeding on a hallway floor because I didn’t want to get involved.

My jaw clenched.

Pressing the reply button, I began typing quickly. However, before this, I noticed the subject of his email. Never-ending? I wonder what that means..

To: zachattack23@hotmail.com
From: hannahbanana@gmail.com
Subject: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zachary? Is it really you? Oh my God…
Where are you? How are you sending me this? Please tell me. I’m going to be honest…I don’t even understand how this could be happening. I thought you were….dead.

-Hannah.

I left it at that, not really knowing what to say. What would you say? If you had someone who you thought was dead, who you thought about non-stop for a year, email you one day saying that they’re okay all of a sudden?

Beep beep!

My eyes shot down to the screen. Zachary had replied. This late? I thought he would be sleeping.

To: hannahbanana@gmail.com
From: zachattack23@hotmail.com
Subject: Funny Story…

Hannah.

You have no idea how much it means to me to see a recent email from you in my inbox.
To be able to read the words on the screen, and hear your voice speaking them in my mind.
Now to answer your questions.

First, I am at San Springs Psychiatric Rehabilitation Center. I’ve been here for awhile. After the accident, I was in physical rehab. Now I’m here, for mental rehab. My parents are convinced that I need it. However, I don’t, Hannah. I’m not crazy. My parents, like always, are too indulged in their own lives; their own problems, to even care about mine. Now they feel that since their son rammed his car into a tree, that they have some….obligation… to try and care for me now? I’ve always been on my own. In school, at home…everywhere. Why should it be any different now?

Second, I am sending you this off of my phone. My mother came to visit me today, and I took my phone off of her. She doesn’t know that I have it…
And neither do the nurses..
But that is irrelevant.
Hannah, are you okay? I saw what happened on the news today. Why were you in the middle of the road?

-Zachary.

I re-read the email twice. My mind cannot wrap around the idea of seeing Zachary’s words, his thoughts, on screen. I bit my lip hard, thinking of a way to reply to this. I didn’t want him thinking that his mother had anything to do with me being in the road. I didn’t need to further destroy an already broken parent-child relationship.
So I chose my words carefully.

To: zachattack23@hotmail.com
From: hannahbanana@gmail.com
Subject: It’s not funny…):

Zachary,

It was just an accident. I was being careless and not watching traffic, no biggie. But…When will you get out? I mean…I would like to see you, or at least visit you soon. Please?

-Hannah.

His reply was instant.

To: hannahbanana@gmail.com
From: zachattack23@hotmail.com
Subject: Please excuse my lack of comedic talent..
Hannah, ..oh Hannah…

No biggie? The news report said you were in critical condition a few hours ago. Please don’t lie. It’s okay to admit you’re fragile. Which you are.
I need you to know that I’m going to come and visit you. I am going to make my mother take me out on an ‘activity day’. It’s where we’re allowed to go out into society, and do ‘normal people things’. Can you tell I’m rolling my eyes as I say this?’

Yes, Zach, I can. Those beautiful green eyes.

‘ Anyway, I’m going to sneak away to the hospital and visit you. Of course, my mother will be frantic, and probably have to alert San Springs of my disappearance. However, it will be worth it.
I just need you to tell me your room number.
I’m going to see you Hannah, and I have something to tell you.
Reply to this with only your room number, and how long you will be staying in the hospital.
I’ll see you soon then.

-Zachary.

~~~~~

“Yes, Mrs. Weston. You have thirteen hours with him. He needs to be back here at precisely eight pm. Failure to do this will result in having his activity hours cut back. Okay?”
Lindsay Weston nodded and bit her lip. It had been almost two weeks since her last visit. She was worried about taking Zach out of the rehab center, but she figured that she owed him a nice day, being how awkward she had acted towards him.

He was dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a green flannel shirt that matched his eyes. His phone was in his back pocket, and he hoped his mother didn’t realize it was missing from her purse.
“Here is a beeper. Beep this if Zach tries to get away from you, alright? It will alert us directly.”

Lindsay nodded.

“Come on, Zach.” she smiled, gently wrapping an arm around him and leading him out to the car. Once they got in, he buckled his seat belt, staring ahead through the windshield. It was the first time he had been in a car under casual circumstances since the accident.

Closing his eyes, he mentally calmed himself down. He wouldn’t even be driving. He was fine.

‘I am fine…’ He thought.

Lindsay got in and started the car, looking over at him. “Zachary…I…I just wanted to apologize. I was out of line at our last visit. I want you to know that-…..” she swallowed hard. She had to try to connect with him somehow, even if it was a lie.

“- that I have no problem with Hannah visiting you, okay?”

He turned to look at her.

His eyes narrowed.

“then why did you make such a big fuss about it?” he asked. Lindsay pulled up to a red light. “I don’t know.. I just want you to be okay, Zach…“I just know that I am okay with it now.” she said.
Zachary smirked, rolling his eyes. He unbuckled his seat belt and spoke. “Well, I think that you’re full of shit.” he said, and opened his door. “Zachary!” Lindsay called, as he began to sprint off towards the hospital. Lindsay gritted her teeth and palmed her hands hard against the steering wheel. “Damnit..” she muttered. Her finger hovered over the button on the beeper, watching Zachary as he ran down the road. When he made a sharp left turn and disappeared from sight, she knew where he was going.

Flooring it down the street, Lindsay made her way to the hospital.

~~~~

“Who did you go to see, Hannah?” My mother, Samantha Baker interrogated me. I still haven’t thought of an excuse yet. My head had been hurting too much to try and think of some bullshit thing to say. Besides, I knew that my mother wasn’t going to buy it anyway, under the circumstances.

I sat silent.

“Hannah, I know the state you’re in right now. I’m not going to force you to tell me at this second, but we need to talk when you’re better, okay?” she spoke. Maybe staying silent was the way out of this. I had no idea what to even tell her. She thought I had stopped trying to figure out the mystery of Zach’s death, or ‘not-death’, long ago. What would she think if I told her I went to see his mom? If I told her about the envelope? The box?

I’d be the one put in a mental facility.

Mom sighed softly, stood up, and walked out of the room. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against my pillow. All I could think about, was if the doctor was going to let me go home today. It had been two weeks, after all.

“Hello, Hannah.”

My eyes shot open.

Standing in the doorway, was the boy who had been the center of my existence for the past year.

Clad in blue jeans, and a green flannel shirt that made his beautiful eyes pop.

Mine, which, were already starting to water.

My throat suddenly went dry, and I couldn’t speak. My eyes just continued to drink him in, as if he were going to disappear. A smile was upon those perfect lips, and he stood taller than I remembered him, his shaggy dark hair seemed blacker.

He shoved his hands into his pockets and took a few strides into the room, and my eyes never left his.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, as if he were just a friend casually visiting me in the hospital. His demeanor was a bit awkward, as if he didn’t know how to act in public. Or, around me?
I bit my lip as he came closer to my hospital bed. With a shaky hand, I reached over and picked up the paper cup that held water on my bedside table. I downed it, then cleared my throat. Zach watched me intently.

I sat up in my bed, still staring at him. He was so beautiful. Every part of him was perfect.

Still stunned into silence, I patted the mattress softly with my hand, gesturing him to sit. He remained standing for a moment, before the bed dipped as he sat down. We were mostly level now, him being a bit taller than me. Blue orbs met green as I stared into his eyes.

“Zachary…” I finally spoke, and a beauteous smile erupted on his lips. I can remember back to the days following the accident. The days I cursed the world for being so cruel. However, they say bad things happen for a reason. That they lead to good outcomes in the end.

I think I’m starting to become a believer.

Hesitantly, I raised my hand, looking into his eyes as I did. I placed my palm on his right cheek, biting my lip as I blushed. My thumb slowly caressed his skin, and he let out a soft sigh as his eyes fluttered closed, his head tilting towards my hand only slightly.

My eyes began watering again. Zachary’s opened, and he noticed this. His hand fell upon my own on his cheek, and he grasped it. He slowly laced our fingers together, and I still could not believe this was happening. Things like this don’t happen to girls like me.
“Suspend your disbelief, Hannah,” I remembered the words my mother would tell me when we watched those stupid sci-fi shows.

They seemed to apply now.

“You have no idea…” he spoke, “How long I’ve wanted to tell you everything.” he said, face inching closer to mine as the words left his lips.

“I-…I-um…” A finger came upon my lips then, silencing me. “Don’t speak…Just listen, please. We don’t have much time.” he whispered. His finger stayed on my lips then, as I saw his eyes go out of focus for a moment. His index finger trailed along my bottom lip, his eyes watching it. Then, his eyes darted back up to mine, and his finger dropped.

“Remember, how I gave you those zeroes in English class? Well, I-” “Wait wait Zach…I thought they were circles?” I asked him, my eyebrows knitting together.

He smiled gently.

“Hannah, they were zeroes. The number zero has many meanings. Most just think it symbolizes the state of possessing nothing. One of its more unknown meanings, is the symbol of the beginning. Hannah, I gave those to you because I was trying to make something perfectly clear. I never had any friends, never….felt like I mattered. However, when I walked into English class that day; when I first laid eyes on you, I-…words cannot suffice how I felt, Hannah. I just knew that you were my beginning.”

Again, I started crying at his words. I never knew how Zachary felt about me, until now.

“I’d never had the courage to talk to you. I didn’t want to know your opinion of me, because if it was negative, I wouldn’t have been able to handle that. So I just convinced myself that you reciprocated the feelings. I tried to hint it to you with the zeroes. “

Everything was coming together now. However, why couldn’t he just tell me all of this? Rather than ramming his car into a tree and almost killing himself?

“Now comes the hard part….” he whispered. He looked up into my eyes then, taking my other hand as well, fingers laced.

“Remember-” he swallowed hard, “that day in the hallway? With Charlie?” he sighed and looked away for a moment, but his eyes found mine once again.

I already knew what he was going to say. After convincing himself that I felt the same way, seeing my abandon him in the hallway sent him over the edge.

“When you walked away, I felt alone. Completely alone,” ,his eyes dropped, “I lost my mind, Hannah. Ever since I was a child. After the canc-…” he stopped abruptly, his eyes shooting back up to mine quickly.

Why did he stop? ‘Canc’? What did that-..

No…

Did he mean, cancer?

Did Zachary have cancer as a child? He swallowed hard, sighing softly. It seemed as though he was having an internal battle with himself. Letting my hands go and rubbing his eyes for a moment, he sighed.

“Zachary?“ I whispered

My hands were in his again, and he spoke. “When I was five, Hannah, I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. My parents stood by my side for it, from what I can remember, but, from the stress of all the treatments and doctor visits, their marriage started to fall apart.” he said softly.

“I was cured, but three years later, my parents sent me to live with my grandparents in Pennsylvania.” he bit his lip, and I spoke then.

“Zachary…if this is too hard for you to talk ab-” “No, Hannah. You need to understand. You have to understand everything..” he whispered.

“I didn’t see my parents again until I was fourteen. They just showed up one day out of the blue wanting me back. My grandparents were very reluctant to let me go, but they are my parents, after all.”

“So I moved back to Casper Falls with them, and they were like totally different people. They actually cared about me now. “ he said. “But I wasn’t buying it. I didn’t want them back in my life. I wanted to move back with my grandparents, but they wouldn’t let me.”
This was too much for me. I was beginning to hate myself more and more as Zachary spoke, for leaving him on the floor like that in the hallway.

“A year later, my grandparents passed away. My grandfather had a severe heart attack, and my grandmother died from the stress of it all. I don’t know the exact medical diagnosis for her, but…I just know she’s gone.”

“Casper Falls high school was supposed to be a new start, when it actually was a hellish nightmare. My parents were pushy for me to maintain good grades, make friends, yada yada..” he spoke, sighing. “Although my grades were great, the friend thing wasn’t falling into place.”

“Until I found you.”

I stopped him for a moment, raising my hand gently.

“But then, I left you on the floor and sent you into madness, thinking there was no one left that cared. That’s why you tried to kill yourself, right?” I finally asked him.

He just stared into my eyes for a long time, then nodded.

That’s when I lost it. The tears kept coming, and then full on sobs racked my body. Zachary bit his lip, but then something happened that made me stop crying, and freeze on the spot. He wrapped his arms around me, burying me into his chest and rubbed my back gently.

I rested my cheek against his chest, my hands tucked by my collar bone. Calmness enveloped me like a warm blanket. Damn, the effect he had on me..

“My world begins and ends with you, Hannah.” he whispered. I slowly slid my hands up the front of his shirt then, and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. I heard his soft gasp at the contact, and I smiled.

“I just need you to know that I didn’t leave you on the floor because I didn’t care…. I walked away because …” I sighed. “Charlie, as big of an asshat he may be, he’s tough, and I was afraid that he would hit me next or something.” I explained. “I cursed myself every day for leaving you there..” I whispered to him. “Just like you explained in your letter : that’s the problem. It’s people not wanting to get involved, Zach. I understand now. I…..I just wish things could have been different, you know?” I whispered through my sobs. I could feel Zachary stiffen underneath my hold, and I closed my eyes.

“It’s my fault…” I sobbed. “It’s all my fault.”

Zachary ran his hands up and down my back gently, his fingernails soothing my skin. “Hannah….It is not your fault. You have to understand. I have a completely different outlook on life now. My reaction to the situation in the hallway, was not that of a normal person. Most people would just mope about it and get over it eventually, or, tell someone. I was completely unstable, Hannah. Please believe me. Do not blame yourself for this.” he whispered to me.

Then, he pulled back a little, and placed his soft fingers on my chin, raising my gaze to his.

“I read your emails, Hannah. All of them.” he whispered.

My eyes widened.

I sighed softly.

“I can’t even begin to fathom what you went through. The tone of your emails….It just…” he bit his lip hard and buried his face into my hair, sending shocks up and down my spine. “That is what shocked me back into reality, Hannah. You. It. Was. Always. You. “ He whispered the words, taking brief pauses between each of them. “I realized just how much you actually cared, from those emails, Hannah.” he whispered. I wrapped my arms around him again, pulling him closer to me. “Zach…It’s okay. You don’t have to talk about it anymore. All that matters now is that you’re here, and you are okay.” I said softly. Looking up into those bright green eyes, I felt more tears coming on. “Oh Zach…” I breathed, voice breaking. His lips tightened into a thin line, his face screwing up into a sad expression. I leaned up and buried my face into his neck, like he did in my little daydream.

I felt, rather then heard, his soft intake of breath. My breathing caressed his skin, and his arms wound around my waist.

This is it.

This, is serenity.

This….this is peace.