Heaven Beside You

“Why, Brian? Why did you say those things in that interview? I thought that this was real this time. You promised me. I came back to you, and you said that it would be different this time!” I was crying now, sitting on the firm hotel bed, looking at the doorway to the adjoined bathroom where Brian was taking off his makeup from the show that night.
“Every little thing makes you flip out. Honestly, I don’t know why I thought things could ever be different this time. You’re even worse than before. So jealous. It was cute with Rose. I understood it with Dita. But, this is ridiculous. You know she doesn’t mean anything to me.”
“You said that you want to have a baby with her. Don’t you think that’s something?”
He frowned. “It’s just talk.”
“And you and Johnny Depp? Your best friend? I thought I was your best friend.”
Brian came out of the bathroom. “You are, Jeordie. Always.”
I glared at him. “You walk all over me, Brian. This is the last time. I can’t and won’t let you keep doing this to me. You’ve made your decision, and I have to make mine.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I’m out of here.” Brushing at my tears, I got up from the bed, grabbed my boots, and pushed past Brian.
“Jeordie, wait-”
I opened and then slammed the door, not wanting to hear another word. I loved Brian, unconditionally, and yet, all he ever did was hurt me. I couldn’t take it any more. I had to get away. Let him sue me for walking out on the band. I didn’t care.
“Jeordie!” Brian’s voice was panicked, but I didn’t look back. I just kept on walking down the hallway toward the elevator.
I leaned back against the back wall of the elevator and put my boots back on while I rode down to the lobby. I had no idea where I would go or what I would do. I had no money, as I hadn’t stopped to take anything with me.
Outside, I walked around the parking lot, and then, a ways down the block. It was sticky hot. Even late at night, the summer heat was excessive. It probably didn’t help that I was wearing a long sleeved dress, thick tights, and my ever loving combat boots.
“Hey…”
I looked up. A guy about my own age was standing a few feet away. I could tell by the dim lights of the streetlamps that he was holding something in his right hand.
“It’s awfully late for a little lady to be out by herself.”
“I’m not a lady,” I called back to him, frowning. Sure, I could see why he’d think that I was, but still…
He smirked. “You know, it’s dangerous, at this time of night. There are a lot of bad people in the world.”
I stopped walking, looking around. This guy was giving me the creeps.
“Someone should teach you a little lesson about safety.”
Before I had time to react, he was in front of me, and I felt what was in his hand before I saw it. A knife. I gasped as he pushed it hard into my stomach.
“Give me your goddamn money,” he snarled, watching with glee as I dropped to the ground, bent over on my knees, blood dripping from the front of my dress.
“I don’t have any,” I said as calmly as I could.
“Oh, please. Who would go out without money?”
“I…ran away…” I said in a voice that didn’t sound like my own. I was starting to see spots, and the pain was becoming unbearable.
The guy kicked me in the head, and then, in the chest. I felt him lean down and start poking me, probably searching for a wallet.
In the minutes that followed, he gave up looking for money, and settled on violently beating me. By the time he shoved the knife into my back, I was pretty much unconscious, anyway. I barely felt it.
Assuming that I was dead, since I was quiet and still, the creep disappeared into the shadows.
I cried softly, both from fear and pain. This was what I got when I left Brian. I was going to die here, on the sidewalk, alone and far away from home. I knew that I didn’t have much time left. My vision was getting incredibly blurry, and I could feel the warmth and wetness of blood covering the majority of my torso on both sides.
When I tried to breathe through my mouth, I ended up gagging, coughing up blood. I wanted to sit up, but I didn’t have the strength. I lay still, looking vacantly at the nearby bushes. My mind was starting to fade. It wouldn’t be long. I wondered if I’d go to Heaven, if there was such a place.
Footsteps approached, but I was too out of it to notice. It wasn’t until I heard a scream that I even realized that someone was there. I could barely tell that the person was making a frantic phone call as the pool of blood beneath me began to increase substantially in size.
“Jeordie, don’t close your eyes. Stay with me.”
I fought hard, but my eyes wanted to close.
“Come on, keep conscious. You’re going to be okay. The paramedics will be here soon.”
Finally, I recognized the voice that was speaking to me. Fred, our bassist. My old friend.
“God, there’s so much blood,” Fred was saying to no one in particular. I could feel him pressing a weight against my back.
I heard a siren in the distance. Oh, good. Paramedics. Maybe I wouldn’t die on the sidewalk, at least. The back of an ambulance would be much less degrading.
A heavy wheezing kept me barely conscious. What was that sound? Was Fred crying? No. It was me. Gasping like a fish out of water, trying to breathe through lungs that were filling with fluid.
Thunderous footsteps clattered toward us. I wanted to look up, but not only was I physically incapable of it, I was afraid of what I’d see. Maybe someone else was going to finish what had been started, and the paramedics would find Fred’s body broken and bleeding on top of mine.
“Jeordie, baby…” Brian’s voice was weak and labored. He dropped to his knees so that we could see each other. I struggled hard to look at him.
“He’s just barely holding on,” Fred said softly. “There’s so much blood. I don’t think he’s going to make it much longer.”
Brian was crying. Loud and painfully. “This is all my fault. I let this happen. I let him go,” he whimpered to Fred.
Breathing became harder for me, my lungs were almost full. I gagged, choking on my own fluids.
“Please, Jeordie, try to hold on. I love you so much,” Brian wept, stroking my hair.
The sounds of the paramedics arriving were the last thing that I heard as I took one more ragged, pained breath, and felt my eyes slip shut.

I leaned back against a massive tree, watching the scene before me, only a few feet away. Everyone I loved had come to say goodbye. Even my family had come, though they were less than happy that I would always be so far away from them, here in sunny California.
Kenny, Stephen, John, Scott, Fred, Jason, Timmy, and a few of the even older band mates who had barely known me were all gathered around the hole in the ground, dropping roses, daisies, and lilies onto my casket. They all looked tired and sad. I hadn’t expected that so many people would come to say goodbye.
My mother and brothers were all gathered on the opposite side of the coffin. Brian stood beside my mother, his arms awkwardly around her shoulders. He had come in a suit, and looked highly uncomfortable. His eyes were bloodshot and dull, and there were dark circles beneath them. He hadn’t bothered with sunglasses or even his contacts. He was too emotional to care.
Time passed, and my friends and family began to depart. Eventually, it was just Brian and my mother who stayed. They were speaking softly to each other, and I watched as she embraced him before walking away to join my brothers at the top of the hill.
Now that it was just Brian, I edged closer, wanting to see what he was still doing. He would never know that I was watching.
Slowly, Brian sat down beside the gaping hole in the ground. He crossed his legs in front of him, and put his head down on his knees. He was crying, hard.
I desperately wanted to comfort him, but I knew that I couldn’t. I was just a spirit, now.
“I’m so sorry, Jeordie. I’m so sorry for the way things ended. I never should have let you walk away. I so desperately wanted to stop you, to tell you that I was ready to be the person you deserved. I let you go because I thought you needed space, that in the morning, all would be forgotten. How would I know that there wouldn’t be time? There was always time. You take it for granted, until you run out of it.”
He stopped, wiping at his tears. He reached into the pocket of his black silk shirt, and held something in his left hand. I was too far away to be able to properly see what it was.
“Two more days. That’s all the time I needed, and you would’ve been mine. I planned for so long, even before the tour began, how I would ask you. I needed it to be perfect. I knew what you would say, what you had to say. Now, I’ll never get to say those words, and I’ll never hear the ones I needed to hear said back to me.”
Brian leaned closer to the grave, and opened his palm. I saw now that what he held in his hand was a silver ring. It was shiny and thin, almost like the hoops I wore in my earlobes. I knew that I would’ve been crying now, if I’d had the ability to.
“I loved you so much. I couldn’t wait to marry you. It had been coming for so long, and I finally felt like we were at a place where it was what we both wanted and needed. I know that I’m not a perfect person, but you always were. So happy, so full of life. You always cared so deeply about everything. You loved harder and more openly than anyone else. No matter how hard we fought, everything was always okay the next morning because you loved me with all of your heart.”
I sat down beneath the tree. This was painful, even though I no longer had the ability to feel things.
“I told your mother that I was going to ask you to marry me. You know what she said? She told me that she was happy for us. That she’d be happy to have me as a son. I never expected that. It was so…nice. I guess that’s where your love and sweetness came from, your mom. I told her today what a perfect job she did, raising you. It made her cry.”
Brian was toying with the ring in his hand. “I know that you’re gone, that you’re up there, somewhere, watching over us all. I have no doubt that you’re in Heaven, wearing the prettiest set of wings anyone ever saw. You were always an angel, too perfect for this world. Now, you’re back home, where you belong. I hope you’re happy there, that there’s something beautiful and wonderful above this world. I just wish you hadn’t had to go so soon, that we could’ve had more time together.”
I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t do that, either. Would Brian be sad if he knew that I didn’t have wings? That Heaven wasn’t what people thought it was?
“I will always come here to visit you. We’ll still talk all of the time, okay? I love you, Jeordie, and I’m going to leave this with you, because it belongs to you.” He leaned over as far as he dared, and dropped the silver ring onto my casket.
A few silent minutes later, he got up, and started to walk away. He turned back, and blew a kiss, aimed directly at where I was sitting. I reached out, and caught it. We’d played that little game for so many years.
“So long, my love. I’ll be joining you soon.”
With that said, Brian turned and walked away, up the hill, and into the sunset.