Hey Jealousy

As I sat on the couch in Sirius' living room, I studied my surroundings, not that there was anything that spectacular to take in. Dirty dishes left on the floor, and glasses sitting half-empty still on the coffee table that was placed in front of the couch, I assumed that it was really only placed there to be used as a footrest. By the looks of the books sitting on what I figured to be the kitchen table, that Remus lived with Sirius. (I don't think I've ever seen Sirius read a book, even for classes he seemed to just skim for the parts that he needed. As least I knew he could read.)

The walls were bare, except for what I could only picture as spaghetti from some weeks dinner. One could only hope it wasn't. I grimaced with slight disgust wondering how exactly these boys lived in such mess…but then again, they were just that, two boys.

I heard the sound of something hit the floor in the kitchen followed by a few mumbled curses from Sirius, somehow the idea of him in a kitchen made me worry a little and without waiting a moment longer, I found my way to the kitchen to make sure nothing was set on fire.

Letting out a little cough to make my presence known, I leaned against the doorframe and looked at Sirius. "Are you having trouble?" I asked as he looked back at me from behind the cabinet door that was open. He bent down and picked up a plate, which must have been what I heard hit the floor from the living room.

"No trouble," He replied and closed the cabinet door after placing the plate in its proper home. (That is, if anything really had a proper home in this kitchen.) Sirius picked up a bottle, one that I simply assumed was a bottle of wine, and the two flukes that had been sitting beside the bottle on the counter. "Drinks." He stated as he motioned for me to head back into the other room.

I hesitated and looked at him. When I had come looking for him earlier this wasn't what I was looking for, not that I knew at the time what I was looking for. I guess I really just needed to see him, to talk to him, to know that he was still alive. It was a silly thought, but in these times, silly thoughts could become major events.

"Sirius, I didn't come here to sleep with you…" I stopped when Sirius burst out laughing almost dropping the glasses that were still in his hand. It was good to see him laugh again and if it had been at any other time I would have smiled and probably joined in while him. But this laughter was clearly at what I said. Was he laughing because I was so blunt or had what had happened make the idea of us together so repulsive that it was funny?

He calmed down before speaking again. "Grace, this isn't even alcohol," Sirius held up the label of the bottle so I could read it. Sparkling apple cider, of course.

Sirius sat down on the couch and I followed sitting on the other end as I moved old newspapers from the cushion. Peering over the bottle at me, he smirked. "Why…would it have worked, Wynne?" He poured the cider into the two glasses and relaxed into the couch after he handed me a glass. Sirius rested his arm on the back of the furniture and turned to look at me, the smirk still apparent on his face.

After taking a sip from my glass I bit my lip buying me some time to answer his question not knowing if he was serious or not. Placing the glass on the table I turned to face him again. "With the way this days been going, a large quantity of alcohol, and against my better judgment… honestly it may have."

"Then let me go get something stronger," Sirius said jokingly about to move back into the kitchen. I halfheartedly pushed him back into to his place on the couch and let out a laugh. He settled back the way he was and I once again looked around in silence knowing that this light-hearted moment wouldn't last much longer. Sitting in silence would only take up a moment in the grand scheme of life, and it wasn't before long that the conversation would head in another direction.

I sighed as I pulled up my feet onto the couch. "I heard about Regulus…"

"He chose wrong, not surprisingly…" Sirius started through clenched teeth before I could cut him off. I knew it wasn't the smartest topic to bring up, but no topic seemed safe these days. I knew how he'd react – yet I couldn't help myself and brought up the first thing that came to my mind.

"Sirius, there was nothing more you could do. You tried your best while we were in school there's only so much you can say to try and change someone," I paused and looked up and his face. "Obviously you're angry, sorry I brought it up…"

He rolled his eyes. "Angry? I'm not angry."

I scoffed. "Black, your brother died. You're allowed to mourn and be angry even if you hadn't been close since you were five."

"Regulus Black has been dead to me for years. He chose Voldemort and at that point he died." Sirius stopped talking and clenched his jaw signaling that he didn't have more to say on the matter. I couldn't blame him, and it probably wasn't fair that I brought the conversation up in the first place. With the events of the last few hours it seemed as if all I could think about was the war along with the depression and hatred that followed along with it. Everyone lost someone, and if they hadn't they at least knew someone that did. However, it wasn't until Sirius' reaction that I really considered how differently people reacted to loss.

Here I was at a place where I had no idea the reasoning behind my being there at all. Maybe Sirius' way of dealing with life was healthier than mine. He was always more carefree than me and knew what he wanted for himself. That's where we differed. My long term goals had always been slightly guided by my parents, for better or for worse, and now that they were gone I wasn't sure of anything.

This way of thinking wasn't helping, and I began to feel as if I knew I could break down at any second. That's not what I came here to do – and I didn't want Sirius to have to pick up my pieces, considering since the time I first saw him tonight the reasoning was still unclear. I closed my eyes. This silence was killing me and I knew that eventually one of us would have to start talking again.

I heard Sirius take a deep breath and looked over at him hoping that he couldn't tell by my face that this act could break any second. His face relaxed and I could tell that, for the moment, any thoughts of his late brother were pushed far from his mind.

"Gracie?" Sirius broke the silence. "Why are you even here?"

It was the question I dreaded answering. I wasn't completely sure of the answer in the first place after all. Closing my eyes I slightly shrugged and when I looked back into his eyes I could tell he didn't believe that. Getting off the couch, I quickly walked into the kitchen and rummaged through his cabinets knowing exactly what I was looking for and that there would be a bottle of what I wanted.

Sirius looked over his shoulder towards the kitchen as I walked back in and set the bottle of Firewhiskey onto the table and handed him a filled shot glass while I kept the other that had already been in my hand. Downing the shot I looked back at him and I sat down to face him on the couch.

"If you want me to actually answer that question, we are definitely going to need something stronger than sparkling apple cider."