Hey Jealousy

Rolling onto my stomach, I attempted covering my eyes to block out the sun that was streaming through the windows into the room. My head hurt and I was uncomfortably warm under the covers of the bed. Lifting my head I squinted as I tried to block out as much sun as I could while I looked for my clock. It wasn't on the bedside table, and after doing a double take, I realized that it wasn't even my bedside table – let alone my room.

Groaning, I began to give myself a silent lecture of swearing off alcohol until the end of the world. This was a situation I hadn't found myself in for a long time – and was definitely not something I wanted to become an everyday occurrence. The last time I had what I thought was meaningless sex…

…I broke my own heart.

Trying to convince myself that I didn't care for Sirius while at Hogwarts was more difficult than expected, and it scared me. That was something I had never admitted to anyone. Weight shifted beside me and in a flash I snapped my head to look at the man next to me. Speak of the devil – I really couldn't let this happen again.

While going to find Sirius spur of the moment last night may have been a good idea at the time, going to get the Firewhiskey to talk about deep topics… was not the best idea I had ever had. I was vulnerable. And dammit, Sirius knew I was bloody vulnerable too.

A girl showing up on your best friends doorstep looking the way I did last night was not an open invitation to have drunk sex with her as soon as she loses all her inhibition. This wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I was still shaken up from yesterday, and waking up in Sirius Blacks bed was not the way to get over these feelings or mourn.

I groaned again and rubbed my eyes cursing Sirius under my breath the entire time.

A loud clang sounded from what I assumed was the kitchen and soon I heard more rustling of shuffling feet along with bangs of what sounded like pots. Pulling the covers up a bit further I began to worry that someone else was in the flat. Sirius hadn't ever confirmed that he living with someone or to having a girlfriend that would show up. The last thing I needed was for someone to discover me and Sirius in his bed…

Or an attack here.

Reaching over to shake Sirius, I frantically murmured, "Sirius, there's someone in your kitchen!" Sirius groaned, only stirring slightly. I repeated myself and hit his bare chest.

Mumbling as he rolled over, Sirius spoke. "No – we tied Remus to a tree." I wasn't sure if this was in response to my discovery or he was having a bizarre dream about his fellow Marauders. Either was a possibility and I wasn't sure which was the better one. I looked around the room preparing myself to be brave and work up the courage to make my way to the kitchen. Spotting a bottle within arm's reach of the bed, I secured it in my grasp before turning to climb out of the bed.

Throwing the covers off of me I discovered that my body was covered by the shirt I had seen Sirius wearing yesterday. Before having another moment to think or even see if Sirius smelt the same as he did a year before I felt him sit up on the other side of the bed.

"What the hell are you doing, Wynne?"

I gapped turning to face him. "I told you there's someone in your kitchen," I whispered – but came out more harshly than intended.

"And you're going to stop them with an empty bottle of Firewhiskey…" Sirius motioned to the bottle that was still clenched tightly. I forgot how quickly Sirius could actually wake up when he woke up on his own. Having to drag him out of bed for school – or I imagine work now – was a completely different story.

"What else would you like me to do!"

Sirius stared blankly into my eyes before he spoke flatly again. "Grace… you're a witch. Use a bloody wand," He reached over across the span that sat between the two of us and grabbed my arm. I dropped the empty bottle from the hand of the arm Sirius wasn't touching. Once the bottle hit the ground where it had started the morning Sirius pulled me back onto the bed and covered us with his blanket once again. "Besides, it's only Remus."

I huffed snuggling back into the blanket, I was still fighting off a slight hangover but I couldn't help but begin to laugh at what had just happened. Sirius pulled the covers away from my face where I snuggled into them and raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny, Wynne? Besides you not remembering you're a witch after nineteen years."

Sending him a glare as my slight laughter subsided, I replied. "You said you tied Remus to a tree." Sirius laid back into his pillow and scratched his chin. I could tell now that it must have been a dream he was having at the time when he said it… but the look that he was currently having worried me that the idea of actually tying Remus to a tree was formulating in his brain.

Not thinking, I spoke and jumbled him out of his thoughts. "I missed how you could make me laugh without trying," I said softly and then regretted the words after they had left my mouth.

"I didn't do anything funny, that was me just being stupid while I was sleeping," Sirius replied.

As Sirius reached forward he brushed back a piece of hair from my face and tucked it gently behind my ear. Against my better judgment I reflexively leaned into his touch. Realizing my body's reaction I pulled back sharply and ran my hand through my strawberry blonde waves. "Last night shouldn't have happened, Black. This is the last time. I can't do this again."

Sirius' eyebrows rose at my sharp reaction before a slight smirk appeared on his lips. "That's not what you said to me last night, Gracie." He let out suggestively. "Do you remember anything about last night? Anything you said?"

My mind flashed back to the night before to my drunken revelation that I made to the boy next to me after I let out about the events leading to my parents' deaths that night. We sat on his couch and he lazily played with my hair while I traced circles on his thigh. Leaning into his chest I looked up at his face as I bit my lip. "I never should have let you go Sirius, that's the one mistake I regret the most. You finally wanted more and it scared me so much, I wasn't sure why you were finally ready to get into a serious thing and when you asked me all I could think about was how hurt I was after my last relationship at that point. I thought what we had was working so well that I thought changing it would just eventually tear us apart." At that point I paused and continued to pick at the leg of his jeans. When Sirius stayed silent I decided to continue on.

"I was so stupid." I whispered quietly. "I'd take it back if I could. I realize now that I was probably the reason that you were ready to move onto something serious rather than casual. We were so good together, you know? There's only one person like you – and I've spent so much time looking for someone that even came remotely close to you. Every man I've been on a date with I've unfairly judged against you…" At the present time I knew that I had probably continued on, but the rest of the evening had seemed slightly fuzzy after that point of the conversation. The only other clear thing that I remember after that conversation was Sirius tilting my face up to his and gently placing a kiss on my lips. I hid a smile as I remembered and mentally rewound that brief moment.

Sirius voice jumbled me from what I could remember from last night. "I think you're subconsciously trying to convince yourself that I'm not good for you." It took me a minute to process his words. I wasn't sure where he was going with this or what was going to come out of this conversation. This time there wasn't any alcohol in our systems that could let out any hidden information.

"Why would I do that? As you've said I already told you in my drunken state that I want you. Apparently I just don't know anything."

"You know what you want. Wynne, you just never wanted to disappoint your family in your choice"

"That's not…" I tried to begin to deny that was the reason but was cut off promptly by Sirius.

"It is. And I don't think they could ever be disappointed in you Gracie, you were always perfect in their eyes no matter what you did and we both know that you could never let them down with any decision you ever make towards your future" A tear slid down my cheek as Sirius said those words. I didn't want to break down in front of him, and while my tears flowed because last night changed everything, I was mad that he had the nerve to bring up the sudden death of my parents. It hadn't even been a day and I think I was still in shock. My subconscious must have been trying to comfort me somehow – and it knew finally going to Sirius and revealing my regret a year and a half later was something I would never do but desperately needed.

I sighed knowing he was right. "Maybe…" I started getting cut off before I could continue.

"There are no 'maybes', Grace. As I said, you know what you want. Having so many opinions thrown your way all your life may have made it hard to do what you choose – but I know that there's a strong Grace Wynne in that brain of yours that knows exactly what you want."

Holding my hand up, I stopped Sirius from continuing on. "What I was going to say, Sirius… was that maybe it's time I start acting on what I want and stop being afraid of what everyone else thinks. I mean…" I paused, once again having to remind myself that everything that happened yesterday was real. From my parents' death, to my automatic instinct to look for Sirius, to actually being with Sirius. As much as my mind always thought of him and wanting to go to him, I know that before yesterday I never would have went to find him. I never would have been that impulsive.

Continuing, "I mean… I'm the only one in my life that I have to think about now, right? It's time for me to act for me?" We remained silent for a short time as I cuddled into Sirius as he ran his hands comfortingly through my hair. My mind was racing too fast for its own good. Sure I had some family left, it wasn't like I was an only child… but I wasn't best friends with my siblings. Our parents kept us together. And now that they were gone, I didn't know what to expect for the future. Sighing once more, I pulled myself together and looked up at Sirius' face.

"When did you get so smart?" I asked.

He raised his eyebrow in response. "I've always been smart, my dear." I laughed. Sirius was right, he was always smart – but he just never used his brains for school. But from the time I had spent around him at Hogwarts I knew that whatever Sirius set his mind to he would accomplish and get what he wanted. If he would have applied that to his studies he could have easily left as one of the highest ranked students of our year.

"Let me say that again, when did you get so serious and intuitive, hm?" I gazed at him waiting for him to answer and began to get worried for my personal safety when he got his well-known mischievous look on his face.

Smirking, he quickly rolled me onto my back and pounced on top of me as I giggled. I couldn't move very far – and I knew that was his intention. "Ready for round two, hm?" Sirius whispered huskily into my ear before he began to suck gently on my neck. I tried to shrug him off of me, even though we had come to an unsaid agreement that this could happen I really couldn't do this right this minute.

"Sirius, stop." I muttered. He pulled away and climbed back to his side of the bed. "I really can't do this now. " Sirius looked at me as if he was a confused puppy, making me begin to feel slightly guilty for denying him after such a deep conversation.

"But, I thought… We just…"

I smiled. "Yeah, this doesn't change that I can't stay right now," I stopped and looked at his face. He still looked confused, and all I wanted to do was roll over to continue what he had almost just started. But I knew there were things that I had to do – and laying in this bed with Sirius all day would get nothing accomplished. The world was still turning; it doesn't stop when something good happens.

Sighing, I spoke. "Sirius, I just really need to get home… and you know, deal with stuff," I mumbled dreading dealing with the aftermath of yesterday. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do this. …

Sirius made a move to get up and I began to gather shoes that had found themselves thrown around his room. "Do you want me to come with you?" He asked softly. I don't think he realized what he was offering. Not knowing what would be thrown my way when I reached my house I sighed.

Casting my eyes downward away from his, I shook my head.