Moderately Homo
Daniel Tosh is a douche-bag
Sup, Tumblr.
My name's Sam and I have a secret that's probably been made into a crappy Lifetime movie already (and if it hasn't then I call dibs on the royalties).
I'm moderately homo for Daniel. Not Daniel Tosh from TV, he's a douche-bag. Daniel who sits next to me in Crime and Justice. We've talked, like, twice. He's a pretty OK guy, considering his circumstances- I heard his cat choked on his goldfish when he was seven, and that probably did a number on him. His mom also bought him a Prius for his birthday, black, not powder blue, but still gay as fuck, I know. Mamma Daniel must be a tree hugger. She buys him these organic veggies from Trader Joe's that she chops up and puts in a container made from recycled materials. His iPhone 5 case is biodegradable (trust me, you can tell), and once, he left class early, leaving his half-eaten ham sandwich on our table, which I of course ate. Or tried to. It was definitely not ham. Some fucking vegetarian shit (which obviously wasn't important nor tasty enough to be remembered).
I know this is all Mamma Daniel's doing because one day he threw a piece of paper in the garbage. He got his Prius' windows tinted a week after he got the car (not that I wouldn't if I were in the same situation). He ditches the veggies and goes straight to his pop-tart stash. He still uses his magnets made from recycled skateboards, though.
I'm just kidding. I'm not moderately homo for -that- Daniel (because he's definitely a closeted treehugger), but the other Daniel- the Daniel who lives across the street from me. My window has a good view of his window, except his curtains are always drawn so what's the fucking point.
I watch him run up and down the street shirtless, er... daily. Each time I'd think to myself, "Wow, in another universe I might tap that." But now it's more of a, "yeah, I'd tap that." I have the time down in my head: 7 o'clock on weekends, and 4:35am on weekdays. Remember, since I'm only moderately homo for Daniel I wait until he comes back 'round at 5:30. It's a good pass time while I eat my Cheerios or settle in my desk chair for a morning wank, kind of spices things up a bit. When I'm lucky, he does this little stretch routine when he gets back. All sweaty and shit - It's nice. Especially for said wanking days.
Daniel isn't in any of my classes. Now that I think of it, I've never actually seen him walking the halls. This one time, though, we got our mail at the same time. I made sure to give him the 'pleasebemyfriendI'llpayyouinblowjobsplease' look, but it wasn't very effective because the douche-bag never even turned around.
It's confusing. Sometimes I want to jerk to Jennifer Hawkins, but then fucking Daniel practically sashays (okay, exaggerating) down the street and my dick is like hey. It could be worse, I suppose. I could have chopped veggies from Trader Joe's in my reusable lunch sack and be attending Pilates Boot Camp with my mom (which I tried, once, and "accidentally" pushed a 50 year-old woman over because she was doing a helluva lot more booty bridges than me, that fucking skank).
Now that I think of it, that skank looked a lot like treehugger's mom.
My name's Sam and I have a secret that's probably been made into a crappy Lifetime movie already (and if it hasn't then I call dibs on the royalties).
I'm moderately homo for Daniel. Not Daniel Tosh from TV, he's a douche-bag. Daniel who sits next to me in Crime and Justice. We've talked, like, twice. He's a pretty OK guy, considering his circumstances- I heard his cat choked on his goldfish when he was seven, and that probably did a number on him. His mom also bought him a Prius for his birthday, black, not powder blue, but still gay as fuck, I know. Mamma Daniel must be a tree hugger. She buys him these organic veggies from Trader Joe's that she chops up and puts in a container made from recycled materials. His iPhone 5 case is biodegradable (trust me, you can tell), and once, he left class early, leaving his half-eaten ham sandwich on our table, which I of course ate. Or tried to. It was definitely not ham. Some fucking vegetarian shit (which obviously wasn't important nor tasty enough to be remembered).
I know this is all Mamma Daniel's doing because one day he threw a piece of paper in the garbage. He got his Prius' windows tinted a week after he got the car (not that I wouldn't if I were in the same situation). He ditches the veggies and goes straight to his pop-tart stash. He still uses his magnets made from recycled skateboards, though.
I'm just kidding. I'm not moderately homo for -that- Daniel (because he's definitely a closeted treehugger), but the other Daniel- the Daniel who lives across the street from me. My window has a good view of his window, except his curtains are always drawn so what's the fucking point.
I watch him run up and down the street shirtless, er... daily. Each time I'd think to myself, "Wow, in another universe I might tap that." But now it's more of a, "yeah, I'd tap that." I have the time down in my head: 7 o'clock on weekends, and 4:35am on weekdays. Remember, since I'm only moderately homo for Daniel I wait until he comes back 'round at 5:30. It's a good pass time while I eat my Cheerios or settle in my desk chair for a morning wank, kind of spices things up a bit. When I'm lucky, he does this little stretch routine when he gets back. All sweaty and shit - It's nice. Especially for said wanking days.
Daniel isn't in any of my classes. Now that I think of it, I've never actually seen him walking the halls. This one time, though, we got our mail at the same time. I made sure to give him the 'pleasebemyfriendI'llpayyouinblowjobsplease' look, but it wasn't very effective because the douche-bag never even turned around.
It's confusing. Sometimes I want to jerk to Jennifer Hawkins, but then fucking Daniel practically sashays (okay, exaggerating) down the street and my dick is like hey. It could be worse, I suppose. I could have chopped veggies from Trader Joe's in my reusable lunch sack and be attending Pilates Boot Camp with my mom (which I tried, once, and "accidentally" pushed a 50 year-old woman over because she was doing a helluva lot more booty bridges than me, that fucking skank).
Now that I think of it, that skank looked a lot like treehugger's mom.
♠ ♠ ♠
Proooologueeee! 
(and this is going to be in third person don't you fret bbyz)