Moderately Homo
If You Were Gay (That'd be Okay)
"What happened with Cassie that one night?"
"Nothing."
"Uh huh, right. So did she get The D? Did you get the... V?"
"Sydney, you are gross and I hate you," Sam flipped her off, because hate.
" So Cassie didn't get the vitamin-"
"No."
"So what happened? C'mon, tell me," Sydney whined, "I won't be able to focus on my homework until you do."
"But you're... painting your nails?"
"Nice observation. Now, tell me."
"Nope."
"Sam."
"Sydney."
"Sam."
"Sydney."
"Don't make me do this," Sydney warned as she hovered her paint-coated nailbrush waaaay too close to Sam's new pair of shoes.
"You are so lame," Sam said, dropping off from the bed to curl protectively across his shoes.
"You're the one hugging shoes. If you don't tell me I'm just going to assume that you scared Cassie away with your small penis and I wouldn't be against putting SAM HAS A SMALL PENIS, SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN on sticky notes and-"
"You're such a bitch."
"So you'll tell me?"
"She asked me if I wanted to do something fun and I was like okay sounds great."
"And?"
"And so she said to go into her room and grab what was on her desk and there was homework and The Lion King so obviously I thought she was talking about The Lion King even though I'd rather of watched A Bug's Life because hello priorities-"
"Right, okay. So is this going anywhere... juicy? And not like bug juice type of juicy, though based on your movie taste you'd probably be into that, but like juicy, juicy."
"Shut up Sydney. So I brought it to her she laughed and was like 'NO ITS IN THE OTHER DRAWER OF THE DESK,' so I went back and checked it out and there were just some sparkly pens and-"
"Oh, I know where this is going."
"-and so I thought we were going to do some bangin' arts and crafts so then when I went back down the stairs yet again she was like 'OH MY GOD THE LEFT DRAWER NOT THE RIGHT; JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT,'"
"It's a condom, isn't it. She wanted a condom."
"Let me finish, Sydney. So she came back with a... condom-"
"I knew it, I so knew it."
"Fuck off. So I was all 'sweet mother of Christ-"
"Did you do it? Did you dew it?"
"Yes we did it, who do you think I am. Or well, we tried: I couldn't get it up and so then she was all 'oh my God you are having a sexuality crisis!' and she took pity on me saying 'oh hey it's okay to be gay you know I knew this guy-' and I was like 'I'm not gay,' and that made her feel even worse about my alleged Sexuality Crisis so we watched A Bug's Life and I fell asleep on her couch and oh my God please get out of my house now and never come back, Sydney."
"So you tried to have sex but you couldn't get IT... up?"
"Nope. Well, yeah."
"Because you're having a sexuality crisis?"
"That's what she said."
"Sam, are you gay? You can totally tell me. This is 2013 and I am here for you."
"Er... Tits is like my family?"
"So you're telling me tits are like your family but you couldn't GET IT UP when the opportunity presented itself?"
"I... well. She wasn't my type."
"She was a busty Asian babe. And according to your snapchat-"
"Really you're going to go there."
"-fine. But you know, dude, it would be totally OK if you were to be Gay. It's, like, in your DNA?"
"Please don't start singing."
"So this is you not denying it?"
"No, I'm denying it." Sydney glared at him as if to say really and Sam finished, "well. Maybe like... Moderately homo?"
"Oh! So it's like my lady boner for Jennifer Lawrence?"
"Yes, totally. I have a total half-mast erection for Jenson Ackles."
"That's understandable."
"So we get to forget this conversation ever happened?"
She smiled, "Nope." She paused, and then "so you're not gay but you're still gay?"
"Uh?"
"I'm not gay but I would totally go lesbian for Jennifer. Come on, we talked about this. So are you?"
Sam looked at the clock and, oh shit, 4:35pm (also known as Sam and Daniel's Special One-Sided Alone Time)."Right, okay. I have nothing but platonic feelings for my fellow dudes."
"But you wouldn't be allergic to a penis if the opportunity presented itself?"
"What."
"Sam, you gotta give me something man. If it makes you feel better, I'd do it with Jynx Maze."
"What."
"The pornstar?"
"Oh my god I do not deserve this conversation."
"Do you not watch porn?"
"Yes I watch porn shut up."
"What kind?"
"Stop talking to me."
"Straight porn?"
"Zip your lips."
"Lesbian porn?"
"Leave my room."
"Gaaaaay porn?"
"I am going to cry seriously you are going to make me cry."
"Or wait, oh my God. I bet you watch straight porn but the anal kind because deep, deep down you know what you really like."
"SYDNEY LEAVE OH MY GOD."
She pouted but got up nonetheless. "I'm just saying," she said as she heaved her bag over her shoulder. "If you were straight you'd totally know who Jynx Maze is. Oh, and she does anal," she winked and left.
"What is my life," Sam groaned. He was going to need therapy for this, so much therapy.
But he did go and check out that girl on the computer; it turns out he's going to need more therapy than he originally thought.
... And another box of Kleenex.
"Nothing."
"Uh huh, right. So did she get The D? Did you get the... V?"
"Sydney, you are gross and I hate you," Sam flipped her off, because hate.
" So Cassie didn't get the vitamin-"
"No."
"So what happened? C'mon, tell me," Sydney whined, "I won't be able to focus on my homework until you do."
"But you're... painting your nails?"
"Nice observation. Now, tell me."
"Nope."
"Sam."
"Sydney."
"Sam."
"Sydney."
"Don't make me do this," Sydney warned as she hovered her paint-coated nailbrush waaaay too close to Sam's new pair of shoes.
"You are so lame," Sam said, dropping off from the bed to curl protectively across his shoes.
"You're the one hugging shoes. If you don't tell me I'm just going to assume that you scared Cassie away with your small penis and I wouldn't be against putting SAM HAS A SMALL PENIS, SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN on sticky notes and-"
"You're such a bitch."
"So you'll tell me?"
"She asked me if I wanted to do something fun and I was like okay sounds great."
"And?"
"And so she said to go into her room and grab what was on her desk and there was homework and The Lion King so obviously I thought she was talking about The Lion King even though I'd rather of watched A Bug's Life because hello priorities-"
"Right, okay. So is this going anywhere... juicy? And not like bug juice type of juicy, though based on your movie taste you'd probably be into that, but like juicy, juicy."
"Shut up Sydney. So I brought it to her she laughed and was like 'NO ITS IN THE OTHER DRAWER OF THE DESK,' so I went back and checked it out and there were just some sparkly pens and-"
"Oh, I know where this is going."
"-and so I thought we were going to do some bangin' arts and crafts so then when I went back down the stairs yet again she was like 'OH MY GOD THE LEFT DRAWER NOT THE RIGHT; JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF IT,'"
"It's a condom, isn't it. She wanted a condom."
"Let me finish, Sydney. So she came back with a... condom-"
"I knew it, I so knew it."
"Fuck off. So I was all 'sweet mother of Christ-"
"Did you do it? Did you dew it?"
"Yes we did it, who do you think I am. Or well, we tried: I couldn't get it up and so then she was all 'oh my God you are having a sexuality crisis!' and she took pity on me saying 'oh hey it's okay to be gay you know I knew this guy-' and I was like 'I'm not gay,' and that made her feel even worse about my alleged Sexuality Crisis so we watched A Bug's Life and I fell asleep on her couch and oh my God please get out of my house now and never come back, Sydney."
"So you tried to have sex but you couldn't get IT... up?"
"Nope. Well, yeah."
"Because you're having a sexuality crisis?"
"That's what she said."
"Sam, are you gay? You can totally tell me. This is 2013 and I am here for you."
"Er... Tits is like my family?"
"So you're telling me tits are like your family but you couldn't GET IT UP when the opportunity presented itself?"
"I... well. She wasn't my type."
"She was a busty Asian babe. And according to your snapchat-"
"Really you're going to go there."
"-fine. But you know, dude, it would be totally OK if you were to be Gay. It's, like, in your DNA?"
"Please don't start singing."
"So this is you not denying it?"
"No, I'm denying it." Sydney glared at him as if to say really and Sam finished, "well. Maybe like... Moderately homo?"
"Oh! So it's like my lady boner for Jennifer Lawrence?"
"Yes, totally. I have a total half-mast erection for Jenson Ackles."
"That's understandable."
"So we get to forget this conversation ever happened?"
She smiled, "Nope." She paused, and then "so you're not gay but you're still gay?"
"Uh?"
"I'm not gay but I would totally go lesbian for Jennifer. Come on, we talked about this. So are you?"
Sam looked at the clock and, oh shit, 4:35pm (also known as Sam and Daniel's Special One-Sided Alone Time)."Right, okay. I have nothing but platonic feelings for my fellow dudes."
"But you wouldn't be allergic to a penis if the opportunity presented itself?"
"What."
"Sam, you gotta give me something man. If it makes you feel better, I'd do it with Jynx Maze."
"What."
"The pornstar?"
"Oh my god I do not deserve this conversation."
"Do you not watch porn?"
"Yes I watch porn shut up."
"What kind?"
"Stop talking to me."
"Straight porn?"
"Zip your lips."
"Lesbian porn?"
"Leave my room."
"Gaaaaay porn?"
"I am going to cry seriously you are going to make me cry."
"Or wait, oh my God. I bet you watch straight porn but the anal kind because deep, deep down you know what you really like."
"SYDNEY LEAVE OH MY GOD."
She pouted but got up nonetheless. "I'm just saying," she said as she heaved her bag over her shoulder. "If you were straight you'd totally know who Jynx Maze is. Oh, and she does anal," she winked and left.
"What is my life," Sam groaned. He was going to need therapy for this, so much therapy.
But he did go and check out that girl on the computer; it turns out he's going to need more therapy than he originally thought.
... And another box of Kleenex.
♠ ♠ ♠
What did I just write? More importantly, what did you just read? And if you're a visual person, you might want to click this. (and now that I reread that it kind of makes it sound like I'm about to send you to porn when really I'm just sending you to Avenue Q's If You Were Gay or whatever NO NUDITY)