‹ Prequel: Autumn's Monologue.
Sequel: Nothing Like You. ›
Hold Me Down
Where My Heart Should Be.
I went to the only place I could think of—the park. The same one Frank took me to so long ago, the first time he and I really interacted alone together. I opted out on taking my favorite position atop the slide—easy sighting—and slumped onto one of the swings.
How could I have done something so careless, so stupid, so, so intimate with someone other than my Frankie? Let alone someone who once held Frank’s heart; I can’t even remember how, when or where Bob and I met but I remember in perfect detail that night we spent together.
He’d heard of my old reputation from friends of friends apparently and knew that I had changed my ways. We were supposed to just talk about Frank that night—not what we ended up doing.
Just a simple, yet complex conversation about the man we both loved at one point in our lives. He loved him a long time ago while I loved him since the first time I had met him. I remember it had been almost a month since Frank had left for his band’s tour—leaving me alone.
Surely I had Tucker but in the sense of being loved by a lover I was utterly alone while he was hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles away. I know it’s not the best of excuses—hell it’s not even an excuse.
I’m not sure how long I sat, slowly swinging back and forth on my legs, staring down at the ground; a presence in front of me notified me that someone had approached me.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t even have to look up to know who was standing in front of me.
“Do you think this wallowing in self-pity is going to fix anything? Solve anything?”
I heard the swing next to me jingle as someone sat down—great, they were going to stay.
“I expect you to talk to me you know, not just sit there and have a staring contest with the ground.”
I slowly raised my head, my lifeless eyes meeting his once innocent eyes, as I slowly kicked the dirt in front of my shoe around. He raised his eyebrow, signaling me to speak—say anything really.
“I don’t think you’re who I should be talking to right now.”
He rolled his eyes at me.
“You honestly think I’m going to buy that load of bullshit? I’m not some naïve little kid, I haven’t been one since, well, never. You fucked up, you didn’t mean to—the look on your face since that night told me so. I wasn’t stupid; I knew what you did when you showed up the next morning.”
I couldn’t keep eye-contact.
“Oh, so now you’re going to get all shy on me? Dad, seriously, Frank’s not mad, he’s upset yeah, but he’s not mad at you. He knows you didn’t mean it. We can read you like a book and we both know that was a one time thing for you. At least go to grandma’s so you’re not outside all night? We’ll understand if you don’t want to come home just yet…we’ll be waiting though.”
He just stood and left. I watched as my son, my lifesaver, walked away.
How could I have done something so careless, so stupid, so, so intimate with someone other than my Frankie? Let alone someone who once held Frank’s heart; I can’t even remember how, when or where Bob and I met but I remember in perfect detail that night we spent together.
He’d heard of my old reputation from friends of friends apparently and knew that I had changed my ways. We were supposed to just talk about Frank that night—not what we ended up doing.
Just a simple, yet complex conversation about the man we both loved at one point in our lives. He loved him a long time ago while I loved him since the first time I had met him. I remember it had been almost a month since Frank had left for his band’s tour—leaving me alone.
Surely I had Tucker but in the sense of being loved by a lover I was utterly alone while he was hundreds, sometimes thousands of miles away. I know it’s not the best of excuses—hell it’s not even an excuse.
I’m not sure how long I sat, slowly swinging back and forth on my legs, staring down at the ground; a presence in front of me notified me that someone had approached me.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t even have to look up to know who was standing in front of me.
“Do you think this wallowing in self-pity is going to fix anything? Solve anything?”
I heard the swing next to me jingle as someone sat down—great, they were going to stay.
“I expect you to talk to me you know, not just sit there and have a staring contest with the ground.”
I slowly raised my head, my lifeless eyes meeting his once innocent eyes, as I slowly kicked the dirt in front of my shoe around. He raised his eyebrow, signaling me to speak—say anything really.
“I don’t think you’re who I should be talking to right now.”
He rolled his eyes at me.
“You honestly think I’m going to buy that load of bullshit? I’m not some naïve little kid, I haven’t been one since, well, never. You fucked up, you didn’t mean to—the look on your face since that night told me so. I wasn’t stupid; I knew what you did when you showed up the next morning.”
I couldn’t keep eye-contact.
“Oh, so now you’re going to get all shy on me? Dad, seriously, Frank’s not mad, he’s upset yeah, but he’s not mad at you. He knows you didn’t mean it. We can read you like a book and we both know that was a one time thing for you. At least go to grandma’s so you’re not outside all night? We’ll understand if you don’t want to come home just yet…we’ll be waiting though.”
He just stood and left. I watched as my son, my lifesaver, walked away.
♠ ♠ ♠
wow...so my deepest, biggest, utmost sincerest apologies about my lack of updates.i lost my will to write this for a bit; there's been a lot going on at work and work takes a lot out of me. i might end up working an open-close tomorrow, meaning a 7am-11pm shift. not fun at all.
a good note, one of my bff's is currently at an MCR show and she's steadily calling me throughout the night, letting me listen in on the awesomeness that is gerard way's voice live...and she's going to stick out after the show and see if she can actually meet them and if she does she said she'll see if she can get whoever to say hello to me on the phone....wishful thinking on my end!!
random bit of info: i went to bamboozle and during MSI's set, Lyn-Z had DONNA written on her arm because she was there! Donna stood on stage and watched them play, I was like aww that's so cute! So I got to see the woman who birthed two amazing men and then later on, I got to walk a little ways behind Lyn-z, Kitty and Jimmy while they walked to their tour bus and I walked to my car because my ankle was murdered by the crowd and it wasn't going to last. I still had a blast though!!