Hold Me Down

I stood in front of the door that led to so many happy memories as I tentatively raised a hand to knock. I know I shouldn’t feel the need to have actual permission to enter a place I call home. I heard faint footsteps as the door slowly opened to reveal a tired and worn face.

“Mikey?”

“Hey ma…can, can I come in?”

She just nodded and opened the door wider for me to enter before she closed the door and pulled me in for a hug.

“I’m not going to pester you for answers, nor am I going to drown you with a lot of questions. Whatever you did you need to fix. You broke two of my boys, my grandson and my Frankie.”

She never did poke and prod Gee and I for answers when we were growing up. She always felt that we’d tell her when we were ready to—I was ready now.

“Can, can we go sit down…you’ll need to.”

She gently took my hand and we walked into the living room and she sat us down on the couch. She pulled me into her arms, running her fingers through my hair; something she used to do when we were growing up.

“There’s no easy way in saying what I’ve done except for just out right saying it.”

I closed me eyes and took a deep breath before telling my mother what I had done.

“I cheated on Frank.”

Her hand hadn’t stopped moving through my hair, nor the one that was rubbing my back—she was listening, just listening to me.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen it, it just did. Bob, you, you remember that name because it’s Frank’s ex…he, he and I met one night at one of Bert’s gigs; you know that band he’s been trying to do…well we met and talked and ended up having one too many drinks and remembering one too many good things about the man we love, well the man he once loved…he cheated too, Bob did…he and his girlfriend aren’t together anymore. She didn’t know he swung both ways apparently and it didn’t sit well with her…I’m sorry for disappointing you ma…and everyone else.”

She squeezed me tightly and pressed her lips to the top of my head.

“Mikey, you’re my baby and I’m going to love you no matter what. I’m not going to deny that I’m a little disappointed in you for doing what you did but you’re coming clean about it. You’re admitting what you’ve done wrong and that means a lot more than you think it does. Not many people are that willing to just openly admit to having cheated on their partner.”

She patted my back before gently pushing me up a little so she could look me in the eye.

“Michael James, you are an extraordinary young man. I’ve seen you overcome much more than this mistake, that’s all it is, a mistake, you won’t do it again, that much is apparent. You’ve been through so much more than this; don’t let this get you down. I’m not saying just blow it off, I’m just saying you’ve been through a lot worse, so have Frank and Tucker. Frank’s been by your side for so long, Tucker admires you so much, I just…fix this, okay?”

I could only nod as she hugged me once again.

“Go upstairs to your old room; you can stay the night, unless you want to go home?”

I shook my head and kissed her cheek before heading upstairs to my old room. My old sanctuary, the room that held the good and the bad memories of my life—the memories that made me the person I am today.

I walked up the stairs, admiring the new family photos—Gee, Ray and Ellie, Tucker, Frank and me—some silly, some from home cameras and some professionally done. I smiled at the one she had in a small frame on the small table in the hall outside my door. It held the photo Frank and I used as our engagement photo.

We were sitting down in a park, the small lagoon in the background and the only thing in focus is he and I. Our foreheads are touching, our eyes locked on to the other and you can tell just by looking at that captured moment—we were irrevocably in love. I trailed a finger down the small photo as I stood in front of my Anthrax-ed poster-ed door before gently turning the knob.

Tears fell from my eyes as I took sight to what was in front of me on my bed.