‹ Prequel: Autumn's Monologue.
Sequel: Nothing Like You. ›
Hold Me Down
somebody who gave a damn
“Mikes I, I need to talk to you alone about this, is that okay Frank, Tuck?”
They nodded and I lead Bert back to my room. I sat down on the end of my bed and watched as he nervously paced back and forth.
“I can’t do it anymore…I can’t take the pressure of all of this. You know how, like back in the day when things were bad and a hit was all you needed?”
I could only nod in response.
“It’s not enough, I’ve gotten into some pretty heavy shit Mikes. I need help, I, I’ve got to stop myself from turning into the monster I once was. I, I don’t want to go down that road again.”
I could see the tears building up in his eyes; I told you he and I always had an interesting relationship. I’m the only person to ever see him shed a tear and now was no different. I opened my arms for him to crawl in beside me and just let it all out.
Let it out he did; I even started to cry at one point—my own memories coming back. We just clung to each other, laying in each others arms on mine and Frank’s bed. I’m sure they could hear our mingled sobs, neither moving to check on us—knowing that we needed this.
We did—we did need this moment. I was the only person he trusted completely, him being here like this let me know this—not even his band mates knew of this. The dirty, loud, foul boy I met so many years ago was back, he was scared of life and all it encompassed. He didn’t know what the hell to do, he needed someone—he needed me.
“Can, can I have the name of the, the place you went to?”
I nodded against him as he pulled me closer, tears still falling from his eyes. I remember the withdrawal; that was far worse than the emotional pain and realization of why I was there. The pain that surges through your body as it craves the one thing that once kept it going, it hurts, it hurts like hell.
“It’s not going to be easy Bert, it’s going to hurt, on so many levels is it going to hurt.”
=-=-=-=
I stood in front of the all too familiar building, holding onto one of my best friends hands. His sweaty and shaky hand squeezed my own as we slowly walked to the main entrance. I noticed the same lady out front.
“You’re back?”
“No, he’s here to drop me off.”
She glanced down at our entwined hands and smiled.
“Well at least this goodbye is better than the one you received.”
That hurt a little; I remember that day clearly. The memory amplified tenfold of my non-existent goodbye to Frankie the day I set foot inside. She allowed me to follow Bert in, even help him settle into his room. I walked right by the room I spent so much time in, the common room—the room that changed my life forever.
I walked Bert into the corner with the books, the spot where the small boy came up to me and just sat next to me. Not speaking, just sat there, holding a book—upside down—but next to me. That same boy would do that every day for a week before he finally spoke to me; later finding I was the only person he would talk to.
“You’ve done an amazing job with him Mikes. Tucker’s a great kid, a lot like you, the good bits of you.”
I let a huge grin spread across my face at those words—they just really meant a lot coming from him at this moment. I walked him back to his room to say my goodbye. We stood awkwardly for a few seconds before we both pulled each other in for a hug.
“Thank you.”
I just smiled at him, tears forming in both our eyes, knowing that this is definitely what he needed to do. As I said my goodbye and left, letting memories flood my mind, I couldn’t help but feel I had come full circle. I was once so lost and so broken and so consumed by substance that I needed to fix myself.
I realized that I wasn’t truly living the life that was given to me, not till that small boy opened my eyes to the beauty of life, even through his troubled eyes he saw the beauty and simplicity of life—now I was letting my friend, at one point he was my only friend—I was letting him fix himself.
When I finally arrived back home I noticed the glow of the television from the living room still on. Upon entering the room I found Tucker sprawled across the sofa, sound asleep as The Little Mermaid played on. I smiled; he always had a soft spot for Disney movies, yes at sixteen he was still a kid at heart. I moved closer to him, gently removing his glasses and covering him with the throw we always leave on the back of the sofa, I leant down and kissed his forehead.
Despite the lack of genes from me in him, the lack of blood, he was mine. He was my son, my life, my world. No matter how old he gets I’ll always see that little boy that came to me so long ago. I felt two arms wrap around me from behind and a chin rest on my shoulder.
“He found out where you were taking Bert and he’s been watching them all day.”
He motioned towards the movie cases that littered our coffee table. I smiled.
“Let’s go to bed, leave him.”
He nodded against my shoulder and gently pulled me to our room. Removing my jeans and socks and shoes I climbed into bed. Frankie climbed in beside me, pulling me close after turning off the lamp on his night stand. He kissed the top of my head as we lay there in complete silence, listening to the fain sound of Ariel’s voice singing “Part of your world” as we drifted off to sleep.
They nodded and I lead Bert back to my room. I sat down on the end of my bed and watched as he nervously paced back and forth.
“I can’t do it anymore…I can’t take the pressure of all of this. You know how, like back in the day when things were bad and a hit was all you needed?”
I could only nod in response.
“It’s not enough, I’ve gotten into some pretty heavy shit Mikes. I need help, I, I’ve got to stop myself from turning into the monster I once was. I, I don’t want to go down that road again.”
I could see the tears building up in his eyes; I told you he and I always had an interesting relationship. I’m the only person to ever see him shed a tear and now was no different. I opened my arms for him to crawl in beside me and just let it all out.
Let it out he did; I even started to cry at one point—my own memories coming back. We just clung to each other, laying in each others arms on mine and Frank’s bed. I’m sure they could hear our mingled sobs, neither moving to check on us—knowing that we needed this.
We did—we did need this moment. I was the only person he trusted completely, him being here like this let me know this—not even his band mates knew of this. The dirty, loud, foul boy I met so many years ago was back, he was scared of life and all it encompassed. He didn’t know what the hell to do, he needed someone—he needed me.
“Can, can I have the name of the, the place you went to?”
I nodded against him as he pulled me closer, tears still falling from his eyes. I remember the withdrawal; that was far worse than the emotional pain and realization of why I was there. The pain that surges through your body as it craves the one thing that once kept it going, it hurts, it hurts like hell.
“It’s not going to be easy Bert, it’s going to hurt, on so many levels is it going to hurt.”
=-=-=-=
I stood in front of the all too familiar building, holding onto one of my best friends hands. His sweaty and shaky hand squeezed my own as we slowly walked to the main entrance. I noticed the same lady out front.
“You’re back?”
“No, he’s here to drop me off.”
She glanced down at our entwined hands and smiled.
“Well at least this goodbye is better than the one you received.”
That hurt a little; I remember that day clearly. The memory amplified tenfold of my non-existent goodbye to Frankie the day I set foot inside. She allowed me to follow Bert in, even help him settle into his room. I walked right by the room I spent so much time in, the common room—the room that changed my life forever.
I walked Bert into the corner with the books, the spot where the small boy came up to me and just sat next to me. Not speaking, just sat there, holding a book—upside down—but next to me. That same boy would do that every day for a week before he finally spoke to me; later finding I was the only person he would talk to.
“You’ve done an amazing job with him Mikes. Tucker’s a great kid, a lot like you, the good bits of you.”
I let a huge grin spread across my face at those words—they just really meant a lot coming from him at this moment. I walked him back to his room to say my goodbye. We stood awkwardly for a few seconds before we both pulled each other in for a hug.
“Thank you.”
I just smiled at him, tears forming in both our eyes, knowing that this is definitely what he needed to do. As I said my goodbye and left, letting memories flood my mind, I couldn’t help but feel I had come full circle. I was once so lost and so broken and so consumed by substance that I needed to fix myself.
I realized that I wasn’t truly living the life that was given to me, not till that small boy opened my eyes to the beauty of life, even through his troubled eyes he saw the beauty and simplicity of life—now I was letting my friend, at one point he was my only friend—I was letting him fix himself.
When I finally arrived back home I noticed the glow of the television from the living room still on. Upon entering the room I found Tucker sprawled across the sofa, sound asleep as The Little Mermaid played on. I smiled; he always had a soft spot for Disney movies, yes at sixteen he was still a kid at heart. I moved closer to him, gently removing his glasses and covering him with the throw we always leave on the back of the sofa, I leant down and kissed his forehead.
Despite the lack of genes from me in him, the lack of blood, he was mine. He was my son, my life, my world. No matter how old he gets I’ll always see that little boy that came to me so long ago. I felt two arms wrap around me from behind and a chin rest on my shoulder.
“He found out where you were taking Bert and he’s been watching them all day.”
He motioned towards the movie cases that littered our coffee table. I smiled.
“Let’s go to bed, leave him.”
He nodded against my shoulder and gently pulled me to our room. Removing my jeans and socks and shoes I climbed into bed. Frankie climbed in beside me, pulling me close after turning off the lamp on his night stand. He kissed the top of my head as we lay there in complete silence, listening to the fain sound of Ariel’s voice singing “Part of your world” as we drifted off to sleep.