I Wanna Be Sedated

I was sitting with Tony and Vic in the room they shared, I had just explained to them what happened between Oli and myself - Why I kissed him.
Tony seemed really angry at the start, almost... Hurt. As I expected. But I mean, I didn't mean the kiss like that. It was more of, a comfort-kiss-between-friends?

There was a knock on the door, and Dr Williamson walked in.
She told me I had to leave because it was almost time for bed.
I got up and hugged Vic, saying goodnight.
I stepped towards Tony and opened my arms for a hug, he just looked at me with a look of, i think, guilt, in his eyes and goodnight to me. Then turned around and sat on his bed.

I whispered goodnight back to him, and glanced at Vic - he looked like he was about ready to smash Tony...
With that, I reluctantly left the room.

Walking back, I could feel my eyelids burning. I had to blink to keep away the tears that were threatening to pour out of my eyes at any moment.
Luckily, I kept them away, until I walked into my room.
I was only wearing tracksuit pants, so I just took off my shirt and sat in my bed.

Kellin was already sitting in his bed, across the room. He looked up at me, and the tears spilt the minute he asked if I was alright.

"Mike? Oh my gosh, don't cry. Tell me what's wrong." Kellin said, literally falling out of bed to run over to me.
I felt his skinny little arms wrap around me, as he sat down and pulled me into him for a hug.
I just shook my head, my tears were coming out like a flood or something. It felt like someone had turned on a tap, all the way, in my head.

I started to try at tell him what was wrong, but I could barely get out a sentence.
The only thing that would come out of my mouth was stuttered cries.
Noticing this, Kellin just leaned my head against his chest, and cooed soothing things into my ear. "Shh. Mike, calm down. It's going to be alright. Calm down. Shh."

Oddly enough, just being in Kellin's arms, him holding me, one hand holding me to him, the other running through my hair...
Calmed me down, just enough so that I could formulate a sentence.

"T-tony, I-I explained everything t-to him a-and apologised, and I-I went to h-hug him. He d-didn't hug m-me b-back."
Okay, I was still a stuttering mess, but at least words came out.

Kellin just pulled me closer to him, now rubbing my back soothingly.
"Don't worry about Tony, Mike. Just give him some time, he'll come around. In the meantime, you have me, and everyone else."

"B-but I thought yo-you..."

"You thought I what? It's okay Mike, you can tell me."

"I-I thought you a-and everyone else... h-hated me." The last part came out as a whisper, I'm surprised he even heard that.

After a minute or so, Kellin finally whispered into my ear, "I never hated you Mike. I was just mad, at what you said. So was everyone else, none of us hate you though. We never never did, and we never will. I promise."

"B-but.."

Kellin cut me off with a finger to my lips. "Shh, just try and go to sleep Mike, you need to rest."
With that being said, Kellin hopped off my bed, waited for me to lie down and he pulled the covers up over me.
He said "goodnight" before he turned out the lights, but I was already asleep.

*****

I woke up to see a figure staring down at me, "Tony?" I whispered.

"Mike I'm sorry."

"No." I said sitting up, "Get the hell out of my room."

"W-what? Why? I just wan-"

"I don't care Tony." I said cutting him off. "I don't care what you have to say. You think it's okay for you to go off and kiss other guys, but when I do i'm the most horrible person in the world!"

He didn't reply, just stared at me. His expression blank.
"That's right isn't it Tony!? You know it is. You just wanted to use me. That is pathetic. YOU are pathetic!"

I could barely make out Tony whispering to me, "Please Mike. Just... Can we talk about this?"

"No. Go away Tony. You're pathetic!" I could feel my blood boiling underneath my skin. Why was I doing this? I am going to lose Tony for good.

But I couldn't stop myself.

"Tony... Let me tell you something!"

Nothing, not even a reply.

I didn't know what I was doing, but I didn't feel anything when I said "You're pathetic.

"I know I am.."

"People are only nice to you because they feel sorry for you."

"I know they are."

"You don't belong on this earth."

"I know I don't."

"You should just fuck off and out of existence."

"I'm working on it."

"I hate you."

"I do too."

I looked down, I felt nothing.
I didn't feel anything, no guilt for the things I had just spat out at Tony.
Nothing.

I looked up, Tony wasn't standing over me anymore.
We were no longer in my bedroom.
We were standing out in the street.

I walked out slowly onto the road, where was Tony?

I heard a car swerve, the drivers foot on the breaks made a high-pitched squeal. Followed by a loud 'thump', a few cries, screams, the sound of a car coming to a very quick stop.

I looked to my left, in the direction of the sounds.
Just down the road, a body. All black, with a lot of blood surrounding it. In the car, a woman was looking around, crying.
People rushed to the person on the road.
I made my way over.

Tony.

*****

"NO! TONY!" I screamed.

"Woah woah, Mike. What's wrong?"I heard a very frightened-looking Kellin say.

"H-he got hit Kellin! I said a-all these things, a-and w-we were on the r-road. He got h-hit. It's all m-my f-fault!"
I was sitting up in bed, shaking and crying.

Kellin quickly ran over to me, "Mike, you just had a bad dream. Calm down."

"N-no. It was real. I swear. He's dead!" I was talking fast, and I was panicking.
He's dead, and it's all my fault.

Kellin didn't say anything more, just pulled me into a hug yet again.
I soon fell asleep, because I remember waking up, and Kellin was in his bed, peacefully resting.

'Oh god what's happening to me?' I thought.