I Wanna Be Sedated

Tony's P.O.V

"Mike.. This isn't what it looks like.." I started to say, even though, I knew it was. I was such a fuck up. Every time, every single fucking time.

"Save it." Mike whispered, quickly shooting both Vic and I a look of pure hurt, and hatred before leaving the room.

I laid my head back down on the bed, and ferociously wiped the tears which were falling silently from my eyes.
I felt Vic stand up, reaching for his top and pulling it back on in the process.
I was too busy trying to keep my emotions under control to realise that he had left the room - probably to find Mike.

Gee, way to go Tony. You broke Mike's heart again...
You just can't do anything right can you?
What a fucking pathetic, failure of a human.
No wonder your parents dumped you here.
All you do is screw everything up...

"Fuck off!" I yelled to myself, "Just get out. Get out of my head!"
I began violently hitting my head with my hands, attempting to stop the voices inside.

What good is hitting yourself going to do?
It doesn't change the fact that you fucked up, majorly.
It doesn't change the fact that you always fuck up.
All it will do is give you some nice new bruises,
maybe knock you out.

"Just go away! I can't take this anymore! I know i'm a fuck up. I know I always mess up! Don't remind me! Please. Just stop!"

*****

For what seemed like that past hour - probably was only 20 minutes at the most, I had been having an on-going battle with the voice in my head. I could see that trying the knock the voice out was going to do nothing... But what else could i do? There is one thing... But, I promised Vic. I can't.
No. I won't, he promised me, and I promised him.
I know he wouldn't break his promise, so why should I break mine...?

For a minute, I tried to think about where Vic ran off to. But every thought that I tried to muster was not only interrupted by the voice inside my head... but also made my head break out in a string of violent throbs.
I could feel myself getting very lightheaded, and dizzy. All of a sudden, my world went black.

VICS P.O.V

One cut for fucking up.
One for hurting my baby brother.
One for breaking my promise with Tony.
One for being so fucking stupid.
One for being such a horrible person.

After the incident with Tony, Mike stormed off.
I could see the hurt in his eyes. I felt... So bad. I feel like the most horrible person. I hurt my baby brother, because I was stupid.

I was currently sitting in one of the bathroom stalls, with my old best friend sitting in-between my thumb and index finger.
Slicing away at my skin.
The skin of a monster.

I am a monster.

How could I be so stupid? I hurt my baby brother...
He has already been through so much lately, I just made it worse. What a fuck up I am. That's why I'm breaking my promise to Tony.
Making me even more of a fuck up. I promise to stop hurting myself. It should've been easy to do. To keep that promise.
But no, I fucked up. Again. My own stupidity, led to me, sitting here, in a locked bathroom stall, using an old razor, to slice open slits in my skin.

*****

After surveying the damage I had done, I realised that I had done 18 cuts. A bit over half on my thighs, the rest on my stomach. I wanted to keep this from Tony... I had already screwed up and broken the promise, but he didn't need to know that...

Opening the door of the bathroom stall, I took a quick glance out in both directions. Making sure it was all clear. It was.
So I lifted myself up onto the counter, grabbing a face-washer from the rack hanging on the wall. I wet it, and gently wiped off the blood bubbling up, or rather, gushing out from my cuts. I did a few pretty deep, so I wasn't surprised that I felt very light-headed.

After washing up my legs and stomach, I proceeded to pull my skinny jeans back up.

I froze when I heard the door open.

"Oh hey Vi-" An overly happy Chris started, "W-what is that!?" He almost yelled, pointing to the blood-stained face-washer.

I just looked at him, and I could feel the tears welling-up in my eyes.
I couldn't say anything, it was obvious what I had done, and there was no denying it.
I realised my pants were still mid-way on my thigh, and I tried quickly pulling them up, but Chris ran and stopped me. "Oh Vic, why?" He said looking at me, his eyes full of worry, sympathy and concern.
I couldn't take it. I broke down. Right there. In front of Chris.
He had now seen me, at my weakest point. When I was most vulnerable.

He held me while I cried, for what seemed like ages, he just held me. Didn't even speak. Not one single word came out of his mouth. We just sat there, on the cold tiles of the bathroom. Him holding me, one hand around my waist, the other holding my head to his chest, which I cried into.

*****

I was still sitting there with Chris, though talking now, as I had stopped crying, when Kellin walked in. He looked to us, obviously wondering why, a)we were sitting on the floor of the bathroom, talking and b) why my pants were still half-down...

I think he realised, when he saw the, still red and puffy, cuts on my thighs, and the obvious blood stained towel.

He just looked at me, and I saw the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He was disappointed in me... I could tell.
I pleaded to him, with my eyes, asking him to forgive me, telling him i'm sorry.
He just stood there, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, looking at me like... I don't know. He was looking at me like I was a monster, but it almost seemed like he felt sympathy for me. He turned on his heels and walked out of the room.

It suddenly dawned on me... He was going to get Mike. Mike was going to come in, and see me like this. He was already angry enough at me. And disappointed enough. but then again, who wouldn't be either of those things. Your own brother hurt you, after you'd be hurt in the same way, more than enough before....

He was going to come in here and see me just like Chris did, and Kellin.
He was going to see the blood-soaked face-washer... The cuts up my legs...
Oh fuck.

Quickly I jumped out of Chris' arms, pulled up my pants and went to rid the bathroom of any evidence of me harming myself. i couldn't let Mike see. It would kill him.

I finished cleaning after about a minute or two, I realised I didn't even want to see Mike... I felt too bad. He wouldn't want to see me either.
In fact, no one would want to see me. No one would want to see someone as pathetic as me...

That's when I ran.

I ran as fast as my legs could take me, out of the back door of the rec room, or whatever it's called. Main room, rec room...
I ran out of the back door, and kept going. I didn't stop until I reached the back of the large oval we had there.
No one went out here, I don't even think many people knew about it. So no one would try and look here. If they tried to look for me.

That's the whole reason I come out here so often.
Hardly anyone knows about it, so I can come out here whenever I feel that I need to just, get away for a while.
It's so peaceful.

I sat down next to a large tree that far at the back, the base kind of hidden by some massive bushes.
I took this time to just think. Think about everything. Everything in my life...

Realising, my life is pretty fucked is hard enough... But while I was thinking, I realised that it's kind of my fault for the most-part.
I mean, I wouldn't have gotten bullied if I wasn't so ugly, fat and such a bad person.
I wouldn't have gotten bullied if I never kept that diary.
I wouldn't have gotten bullied if I was straight...

It's all your fault Vic.
Just kill yourself already.
You worthless little prick.