I Wanna Be Sedated

Tony had left about five minutes ago. Said he wanted to catch up with Mike and Vic. Mike. He must be so happy right now. Tony told us how he's dating Oli now. I always thought those two would make a good couple. I know Mike likes Oli a lot, and I'm almost positive Oli feels the same. Let's hope Oli is a better boyfriend than me. Then again, no one in this house could be a worse boyfriend than me. I can't believe I did that. I pushed my boyfriend to burn . He'd been doing so good . And I went and fucked that all up. I was so pissed at myself. I couldn't believe it.

I hadn't realized I had be crying until Chris pulled me onto his lap and wipped me eyes. We were sitting on my bed watching tv. Turns out we're both pretty big fans of Tim Burton. Chris had slipped in one of his favorites, Edward Scissorhands. He was gently rocking me back and forth trying to hush me. When had one tear turned into me sobbing and pulling my hair?

"Shh, Ricky, it's okay. Don't cry baby, it's alright. I'm here. Shh" He tried to calm be. When I finally managed to stop sobbing, I pushed away from him.
"But you shouldn't be here! I hurt you Chris! You should be yelling at me, you should be pissed at me, you shouldn't even want to share a room with a fat, ugly, freak like me!" I shouted at him. He frowned.
"Okay, one, don't tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Second, you're not ugly or fat. You're perfect the way you are. And lastly, I love you. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. Not matter how much it hurts me." He whispered the last part, running his fingers gently over his new burns. I felt my heart break even more.

"Why can't you just hate me?! I hurt you Chris! I pushed you to burn! I don't unders-." He cut me off.
"But you also make me feel loved! Like I'm important! Like someone fucking cares!" He shouted back. I sighed resting my head on his shoulder.
"I'm not the only one that does though Chris. Mike does, Vic does, Austin and Alan do. Everyone cares about you. Especially... Especially Tony." I whispered. He let out a frustrated sigh and stood up, walking to his bed. I looked up at him and he looked annoyed.

"Why do you always bring Tony into this?! What the fuck does he have to do with us ?!" He yelled. I stood up too, but stayed at my bed.
"Tony has everything to do with us! You liked him way before you even noticed me! Hell, if he hadn't turned you down, you'd still be locking lips with him!" I screamed. Chris growled.
"You know nothing about my friendship with Tony." He started. I cut him off.
"I know enough! Admit Chris, you want to be with him more than me! Just say it! Fucking say it!" I snapped. He narrowed his eyes.
"If you knew anything about Tony and I, you'd know that he's the reason we're together." He said in an angry tone. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, I do know that! I was standing right there! I also know that you said you liked him more than me. You only picked me because he has Vic!" I yelled. I felt myself about to cry. Sure, I had thought about it plenty of times, but to actually face it? To think back and know that you were your boyfriend's second choice? It hurts. It hurts a lot.

"Listen to me Richard." Chris said, deathly calm. If his tone wasn't even to scare me, than the fact that he called me by my full name did the trick.
"I. Love. You. Got it? Not Tony, not Mike or Vic or anyone else in this goddamn house, you!. If I didn't, we wouldn't be together right now. I admit, I used to have feelings for Tony. But guess what? He's happy with Vic right now. And up until now, I was hapy with you. I don't understand how you can just question my feelings for you. As if they weren't real. I have been nothing but 100% honest with you. You knew I liked Tony. I told you that already! And I told you that I got over it. So to assume that I like Tonymore than you just because I liked him so long ago, that's not even cool." He whispered. I but my lip.

"Chris..." I began, but Dr. Williamson came in.
"Dinner time boys!" She said happily, then she left. I sighed and looked over to Chris. He just walked past me without saying anything. I quickly grabbed my notebook, the one I wrote all of my thoughts and feelings into, and ripped out a page. I smiled at the words that I had written for Chris so long ago. Before we even became roomates.

You don’t know who I am. You probably don’t know I exist at all. I’m so drawn to you, yet I’m still trying to figure out why. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. But, there’s something there. Something deep. Something that I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to explain. Not to you, or myself. I look into your eyes and feel my stomach turning in knots. Loops.

Like a roller coaster. Somehow you pull at my core and tell me that this is how things are going to be. Like I knew you once before. In another life, or another time. Sometimes at night I’ll lay here thinking about why I feel this way, and whether or not I have a stronger connection to the unknown than I think. I’ll think about writing to you or about you, but I know you’ll never see it.

And if you did, you probably wouldn’t make sense of it. Reading this over just makes me more confused. I suppose I’m just “waiting” in a sense. I know its coming, but I have to pretend like I don’t. Why? I don’t know. See? Makes no sense. I guess the main thing is you’re not ready yet and neither am I. Otherwise things would be different at this particular time.

I’m still trying to become the best of who I am, and I’m sure you’re doing the same, but when the right time comes, whether it be two weeks or five years, I’ll be here, ready, secretly anticipating. And maybe somewhere down the line I’ll tell you that this sounds crazy, but somehow I knew it would end up like this. I could see it in your eyes, and hear it in your voice.

Everything about your presence just shouted in my face and told me. Maybe you’ll believe me, maybe not. Then again that’s not really the point. I just know. When things are perfect, our paths will cross, and I will sweep you off your feet so fast that you wouldn’t expect you could fall this hard. Don’t worry, I promise I’ll catch you on the way down.

It's ironic, you know? I wrote this for you so long ago, and here we are. We're together, but then we're not. We fight a lot, I know, and it's my fault. I'm sorry I ruin things. I'm sorry I'm such a fuck- up. I'm just sorry for everything Chris and I know you wont' not anytime soon, but I hope one day you can forgive me.
-Ricky

I dropped it onto his bed after adding the little note on the bottom. Hopefully he forgives me again, although I'm almost positive lightning never strikes the same place twice. I just hope he does though, I need him or else I'll be back in my downwards spiral. I sighed and walked out, ready to face everyone and pretend to be happy while my heart is breaking on the inside.