I'll Be The Brightest Someday

Vic’s P.O.V

After Kellin left I drove around the corner and down the street to park my car a little bit away from the house so my dad wouldn't realize I was sleeping in my room, right under his nose. I walked around the side of my house and slid my bedroom window open. I climbed into my room quietly and slid the window shut, sitting my bags next to my bed and laying down on it. After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling I jumped up at the voices in the back of my head giving me ideas, like usual.

-Victor, don’t neglect your best friend.
-They miss you and your familiar soft skin and harsh words.
-They’re only inches away from you, just grab the little black box that’s trapping them and hiding them from seeing your disgusting face.
-Do it, they’ll comfort you, make you feel better, make you forget about Kellin.
-Make you forget about everything.

I was really contemplating doing it again even after I promised Kellin I’d stop.
Fuck Promises.
Fuck Kellin.
I leaned over the side of my bed and grabbed the small black box out of my bag.
“I missed you,” I whispered as I opened the box to all the different varieties of razors and other things I could hurt myself with. Some big, some small, some old, some new, some sharp, some dull. I reached into the box and pulled out a new, clean razor. Never been littered with skin or blood yet. I didn't even hesitate to press the edge to my skin, ripping it open easily as images of Kellin flashed through my mind and past my eyes.

One cut, “I hate you.”
Two cuts, “I hate me.”
Three cuts, “Why would you like me?”
Four cuts, “Why do I like you back?”
Five cuts, “I don’t belong here.”
Six cuts, “Why am I still alive?”
Seven cuts, “I’m ugly.”
Eight cuts, “I’m a freak.”
Nine cuts, “I’m disgusting.”
Ten cuts, “I’m a waste of space and air.”
Eleven cuts, “Kellin hates me.”
Twelve cuts, “I’m not worth it.”
Thirteen cuts, “He’s just playing you, he would never like you.”
Fourteen cuts, “You deserve the pain, the beatings, the hate.”
Fifteen cuts, “I should be dead.”
Sixteen cuts, “I want to die.”

Kellin’s P.O.V

I was trying my hardest to push the bad thoughts out of my head but it was so hard to keep them away, all the thoughts of hurting myself or just ending it all. I wonder what Vic is doing right now. I just keep trying to tell myself to breathe and calm down because I know that Vic hasn't made his mind up completely yet and there’s still a chance that he’ll forgive me and we’ll both be okay again.
I’m nothing without Vic.
I need him so much it hurts.
I know that sounds extremely cliche but it’s true. I can’t even stand myself anymore without Vic. I totally fucked up. Who would have thought Victor Vincent Fuentes would have such an impact on my life. I don’t even know what to do with myself, I've just been laying around all day, trying to keep myself from doing something stupid.
Tomorrow is Thursday and I am not looking forward to being around Jack and Gabe because i was beginning to hate them just as much as Vic did. Gabe coming to my door ruined everything. I looked over at my clock which was flashing the illuminating numbers in my face, it’s already 10:42? How long have I been laying in my bed? I came home around 2 so I've been laying here for nearly 9 hours, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Vic, and trying to distract myself from doing something stupid. Wow, this is officially horrible. I’ll be honest, I've been thinking about hurting myself or even just simply ending it all ever since I lost Vic.It’s been fucking impossible to get Vic out of my head all day and we only just started dating. He already had my heart in his hands and he doesn't even realize it. I am falling way too hard way too fast for Vic and I’m not sure why. I've had about enough with trying to distract myself from all the thoughts of the different ways I could hurt myself and all the different ways I could end my life running through my mind in circle, like they’re on replay.
If I wanted to stay alive for a while longer I’m going to have to try and get some sleep soon, especially since I now have to go to school tomorrow. Just like that, it was like someone snapped their fingers in front of my face making my eyes heavy and barely staying open. I didn't fight off my need to sleep, I let it get to me so I could get some better thoughts out of today. Usually I have dreams of Vic, but not tonight. It never got better, I had the same nightmare over and over again throughout the entire night until finally, my alarm went off telling me to get up and get ready for school. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for air and shaking every time and it just kept coming back, to haunt my sleep. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night and you could definitely see it on my face because I looked extremely tired.

Vic’s P.O.V

I tried my hardest not to think about Kellin and everything he said but I knew I couldn't push it away forever because I had a big decision to make. It was about 11:27 and I was pretty tired and extremely worn out from today so sleep came easily enough. Tonight wasn't like usual though, no dreams of Kellin, which I found slightly upsetting. I missed him, I did. How could I trust him though?
Although I wished I could dream of Kellin like I usually do, tonight my sleep came to me empty handed, dreamless, hopeless. Not even a single image or thought of anything.