Every Day After That

The asphalt below my feet was warm from the hot sun. I pressed my feet harder into it and let the burning sensation course up my legs. I took a deep sigh. A few inches to the right of my right pinkie toe, an ant desperately scrambled with a crumb on its back to the cool shade. I thought about the millions of ants that were running around at this very minute- all of them knowing exactly where they're going in life. They never wander around aimlessly. Not like humans do.

I leaned back to let the heat waves sink deep into my pores. The corner of the bench dug into my back, but this was peaceful. This was fully experiencing the moment. I would remember this forever. Or at least, I'd remember this feeling forever.

"Hey Billie." I peaked my eye open a crack. Superstar athlete and heavy metalhead Arceo Basso strode towards me in the blackest ensemble I'd seen since yesterday; the first day of school.

"You know, it's still technically summer." I could feel the ant crawling up my foot. Dylan took a seat beside me with one leg on either side of the bench seat and nudged it off with his shoe.

"I'm allergic to the sun. You know, most people wear shoes to school."

"My shoes are right next to me."

"Yeah, well, you aren't wearing them are you?" I could practically feel his grin radiating. Arceo (god knows why anybody calls him that) was truly gorgeous. The kind of beautiful that made thirteen year old girls wet themselves.

"I'm in a mood." I said.

"Oh yeah? What kind of mood would that be?" He inched closer to me.

"The warm days will slip from us any day now. And then the weather will turn crisp, and I'll either be forced to subject to close toed shoes or I'll freeze them off. I'd like to peacefully enjoy what I can." His hand was very lightly caressing my right shoulder. Did he think that was sexy?

"How was your summer?" He murmured.

"It was lovely. I absorbed myself in something new every day. I'm relieved for school though, my brain was turning to mush. And why are you touching me like that?" He stopped.

"Sorry, sorry. I forgot, you're more resistant to me." I blew the hair out of my face and sat up straight.

"Make any new music?" I asked. His face lit up. It was nice to see- any person with a passion was agreeable. If at least only somewhat.

"Yeah, dude. My last band broke up cause Cody's a complete douche, but I met a couple of guys at my buddy Leo's house and he set me up. We're trying to record."

"Are you any good?"

He paused. "We're getting there. I mean, Logan's a complete boss at the drums, and Ethan and Shiloh are great, and then I'm good at the vocals. We're just having a hard time coming together and like, making one sound, you know?" I nodded. Connecting is unfortunately very rare.

"Well I'm sure you'll get there." I stood up and slipped my sandals back on. Arceo handed my bag to me.

"Where you headed?"

"I think I'm going to walk around a little." He nodded and glanced down at my shoes.

"How black are your feet right now?" I took a shoe off and held up my foot to see. Night sky black. He grinned and pulled a blank sheet of lined paper out of his notebook. He held it down on the floor.

"Make a print. It'll be your new thing for the day." At least he listens.

I pressed my foot on it hard for a couple of second and then took it off. One black foot print. I smiled.

"You should sign it." He said. I shrugged and folded it up and put it in my bag.

"Well, hey, have a great day Billie. I'll text you." He turned and walked towards a group of stoners.

Arceo and I- we're acquaintances. I had to ponder this for a whole afternoon before I came to a conclusion. He's a cool enough guy. His clothes and curly mop of brown hair is always perfect. He never doesn't have anyone to talk to. And all of his friends are equally as beautiful.

They aren't real.

Being real to me is just a little bit below God and living. The whole shebang- the faults, the asshole moments, the awkwardness, the insecurities- it's all beautiful. There is nothing more important to me than being real. Arceo isn't real. He does what makes him popular. Or maybe he is what makes him popular, but even that seems fake. I don't consider people like that friends. I hardly consider anyone friends.

I walked to the main building to wait for English to start.

***

A group of us were sitting in a circle in the parking lot at Walmart. Everyone was passing around joints and cigarettes and wine. It didn't matter because nobody was out at this time aside from a few select cars- probably the employees. I never partook with the weed or wine, and tonight was no exception. I was smoking my own cigarette and talking to Anne From Chemistry.

"My mom likes to find anything that's wrong. The other night she asked me why my dinner from the night before was still sitting cold on my desk. She thinks I'm anorexic. Which, okay, fine, I know she cares. But she should fucking trust me." The number one rule during these little get togethers: Sharing is Caring. I don't know who exactly enforced this, but I go with it. I never have to pay for cigarettes anymore. An American Spirit was through my fingertips at the moment, and I watched it slowly dissolve while listening to Anne From Chemistry.

"Why don't you talk to her about it?" I asked. She pulled her sweatshirt closer to her and grimaced.

"I don't know. It's probably best, but my family just doesn't do those things. We don't talk."

"My family didn't talk either, until we did." She pursed her lips and took the bottle being passed to her.

"I just don't want to be sent to a counselor. Sometimes I think I'd like it- to vent and everything to a complete stranger. But I really don't talk about what really bothers me to people. Even this right now is only the tip of the iceberg. It's hard to open up like that." I nodded. I could relate.

"It's one thing to throw the word trust around, it's another to partake in it. It goes both ways, you know? Do you trust her to do what's best for her?"

"What if she doesn't know what's best for me?"

"Maybe that's why you should talk to her." To the right of me, a couple got up and walked to their car. In an instant the gap was removed and the circle was closer. The idea is that this keeps going on until there aren't enough people left. Or everybody gets bored and leaves. I reached into my messenger bag and pulled out a book I'm working on. The Messenger by Markus Zusak. The concept was so extraordinary to me. If I could ever design an international plan such as that, I totally would.

The wine supply was running out. There were only two more joints left.

"Hey, Billie! Did you bring anything?" Josh Daniels asked me this. Josh was pretty amazing. He seemed to confound me everyday with his pure barbarism. He almost wasn't human. I tried to keep an open mind on him, and it wasn't working.

I lifted my book in the air. "I would've brought you a copy too, but I left my supply with the dealers." He guffawed loudly and winked at me.

"Why don't you come over here? You look a little lonely." I didn't budge. Anne From Chemistry got up with a friend of hers- Morgan I think- and they went to Tyler's van. Tyler was cool.

Josh sat down next to me. He reeked of skunk and cologne. It wasn't pleasant. A sloppy grin sat on his face, and there was a little drool in the corner.

"Hows your book?" He murmured. His hand was on my leg. I wanted it off.

"Fantastic. I could imagine The Messenger visiting you." He giggled.

"Would you visit me?"

I shifted away. "Probably not, as it turns out."

"You're so beautiful." He said. I could feel my cheeks tinge rosemary. I didn't like it when people pointed out things like that.

"Yes, well, somebody had to be. Would you excuse me?" He held me in place. I gritted my teeth.

"Bills, do you think you're too good for us?" His voice had a dangerously hard edge. I needed to get out now.

"Of course not. But you're not exactly my prince charming. I have to go." He leaned closer.

"You read too much."

"That doesn't seem to affect my charm." He laughed away. It wasn't nearly as innocent.

"Hey does anybody need a ride?" This was Tyler calling from his van. Anne From Chemistry was strapped in the very back seat with Morgan. I took this as my escape.

"Hey Tyler wait!" I grabbed my bag and squirmed from Josh's grip. He looked around for someone else.

"Hey," Tyler smiled at me. "you coming?" I nodded and slid into the passenger's seat. Nobody else came.

"So I'm kind of a Green Day kind of guy. That all right with you girls?" The girls in the back shouted yes and went back to talking. Tyler sent me a questioning look. I said yes. I didn't listen to much music.

The car was silent, aside from a noisy song I didn't recognize. Driving at night in Loveland, Colorado is empty. There are a few cars around, but for the most part, buildings are lit and the air is quiet. It's nice, actually. The mountains reach the end of it, and they build up to look so frightening and amazing all at once. Tyler drove west and I watched as the stores passed me by. McGraff's, Walmart, Sam's, a couple gas stations, Jax, a tattoo parlor and a corner of fast food. Lake Loveland was luminescent under the moon and I wanted to get out and enjoy the view forever. An elderly couple walked hand in hand on the sidewalk along the lake. I love the summer. Loveland is one of those towns that aren't very thought of, but definitely has amazing features. It's a nice place to live.

Tyler pulled into a small neighborhood and let the girls out. The house, like most around this area, was one story and old and cute. The grass was kept well and flowers bloomed everywhere. They hugged and thanked him, and then we were alone. Another few minutes of silence.

"How are you on Morrison's essay?"

"Pretty solid. I want to work on it a little longer- I don't think I emphasized my main argument clearly enough- but otherwise it's good."

He shook his head. "It's no wonder you're in AP."

"Why are you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, get an education? I don't want to suddenly wake up from all the drugs and realize I'm in a shithole."

I nodded. "Take this left here." My neighborhood was much like Morgan's. A good majority was older, but it was cute. Very quiet.

"Yours is Agate, right?" I nodded. He turned into my neighborhood and stopped in front of my house.

"Keeping tabs on me, I see." I teased. He grinned and shook his head.

"Nah, I just know your house has the wooden swing."

I smiled. "Good ole' wooden post with a rope through the middle. Hurts like hell to swing on, but it's got character."

"My grandparents used to have a tire swing in their backyard, which lead to the lake. We always tried to see if we could jump from it far enough to land in the water. It never worked. I broke my arm once."

"Childhood is great, isn't it? You're never tired- always up for a new adventure." He smiled and nodded. Silence fell between us.

"Well I'm gonna go. Thanks for the ride though, Josh was being a dick." He looked at me like he was gonna say something, but then paused.

"Ignore him. See you at school. Have a nice night." I jumped out with my bag and book and slipped inside quietly. Dad would be asleep.

As I walked into my room, I sighed. The familiarity was great. The comfort of a place that entirely represented me gave me much more room to breathe. I slipped off my sandals and dress and stood in front of my full length mirror. I was tall; taller than most. I was skinny, but not in a fit or even an anorexic way, I was lanky. I was the kind of lanky everyone wants to be. My hair was wildly curly in places, wavy or straight in others. It fell just passed my breasts and just above my belly button. I grabbed a brush off my desk and let it soothe the soft tendrils. My eyes were constantly changing, but right now they were a deep navy blue. My features were small enough, and my lips were just big enough to be plump. My teeth were straight and shiny white. My skin was creamy and smooth. I rolled my eyes and laid in bed- let the fatigue from life fully take me over.