Upwards

Saturday 9th May, 2008.

Kate insisted this morning that Frank and I have some ‘quality time’ with Rosie, so when he arrived we were all dressed and ready for the zoo.

Ahh, the zoo. If there’s anything better than watching penguins slap each other around the face then I don’t want to know about it.

Anyway, Frank got to ours at just before noon and I announced that we were heading straight out. He seemed a little taken aback but he went with it. I passed Rosie over to him and headed towards the driver’s side of the car that I’d stolen from him when I ran away and had been driving illegally ever since. Awkward.

He approached the car with a strange contentedness. “Still going, then?” he smiled, opening the back door with the hopes of wrestling our daughter into her car-seat.

“Yeah, it’s done me well,” I replied with a guilty smile.

Luckily for him, Rosie was clearly in a good mood so it only took about two minutes to get her all buckled in, compared to the usual five. And I must say, I was highly impressed with Frank’s capability with the old car-seat. I have a master’s degree and it took me forever to figure out all the straps and clips and shit. But then again, I am me, and everything is just that little bit more difficult for me.

Frank got into the passenger’s side, which was a strange role-reversal. Last time we’d been in a car together, I couldn’t even think about driving on the wrong side of the road, and now here we are with me starting the engine and him watching me like an exotic bird and our daughter muttering nonsense in the backseat.

Suddenly I felt all flushed and nervous, as if I was 17 again, taking my driving test.

“I have been meaning to get my own car for ages,” I said eventually, just for something to say.

Frank didn’t say anything for a while. I backed up off the drive and drove us out of the street. It was getting really awkward really fast. Two years ago I would never have imagined an awkward moment between me and Frank. I hate how much things have changed. But I suppose I'm the only person to blame for that.

“Your driving’s better than mine,” Frank finally commented as we merged onto the interstate. I caught a glimpse at him and he was smiling faintly. For half a second our eyes met and my stomach felt all funny but then I turned my gaze and my attention back to the road.

Thankfully it didn’t take too long to get to the zoo, so the time passed fairly quickly as Frank played peek-a-boo with Rosie and I tried really hard not to swear my ass off at all the shitty drivers around me.

Anyway we made it more or less in one piece. Well, in the three pieces actually. Four if you include the car but I don’t and it doesn’t even matter either way.

I paid for all of us while Frank was distracted talking to Rosie and then he pouted a little at me emasculating him but he got over it fairly quickly once he caught sight of the monkeys and that was him and Rosie happy for a good half hour. I’m not sure if I want her to inherit his ADD or not.



“She seems to be enjoying herself,” Frank smiled as we sat in the Amazon coffee house. A light rain shower was passing over us so we decided to grab some food. Rosie had dozed off in the novelty giraffe high chair because it was just past 3pm and, as I’ve already explained, this is naptime.

I glanced at our offspring and couldn’t help but smile stupidly wide. “She loves spending time with her daddy,” I said softly. All afternoon, the two of them had been inseparable. Already she’s showing little signs of her father’s personality. The two of them giggling like crazy at the baboons and insisting we stop for ice-cream made me happier than I could possibly explain or understand.

Frank considered this quietly for a while as we both grinned dotingly at Rosie and occasionally caught glimpses at each other. The tension was insane. I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“So,” I found myself saying, without actually having a fully-formed follow-up prepared. Typical Daisy. Let’s see where my mouth takes me with this one. “Can I be your wife again? I miss you like crazy.”
Smooth.

Frank gave a small laugh and for the first time I could see little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. For some reason, I found them adorable. “I miss you too, Dais,” he said softly, his eyes going all twinkly. Rosie stirred in her seat and we both watched until she settled back into her sleep. “But you know things aren’t that simple.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. God I love when he does that.

“Sure they are,” I interjected, perhaps with just a hint of desperation. “We’re married and we have a kid and we like each other. What could be simpler?”

He laughed again, a little sadness etched into his smile this time. “You’re making this so hard for me,” he sighed, with that heartbreaking half-smile still lingering. “Too much has changed to just pretend it hasn’t. I need...” He glanced down towards his lap and then back at me, right through my eyes and into my soul. “I need some time to adjust, Daisy.”

I nodded and pursed my lips together and blinked a few times to combat the sudden overwhelming urge to cry. This was stupid. I’d basically asked him how he felt and now got all upset because he didn’t give me the answer I wanted. The least he deserved was some time to get to know me again – to get to trust me again, after everything I’d done.

“I’m sorry I did something so shitty to you,” I finally managed to choke out. “Take as much time as you need.” I let out a long breath and my eyes welled up. “Just promise me that we’ll be okay.” I had thought that perhaps after the midnight walk in the park and the kiss goodnight and the hint towards our future would mean that this wasn’t such a big ask. Sure, he needed time. That was reasonable. But we’d be together again eventually, right? We were always going to end up together, until the end of everything. Right?

Frank looked away and leant back in his chair, scratching the back of his neck. I observed him eagerly, waiting with baited breath for the reassurance that I needed. None came.

I gazed at him longingly. “Frank,” I whispered, leaning forward over the table and the empty coffee cups. “Please?”

Still he remained silent, chewing on his lip and rubbing his neck and taking several deep breaths. Eventually, he leant towards me, his features slightly sagging. He must have been able to see the heartache and tears in my eyes.

“I can’t promise you anything, Daisy.”

Six little words to crush me.

He rubbed his hands over his face. “I’m going to be here for our daughter,” he said quietly, his voice shaking slightly. “And I’m going to do right by you as her mother. But I don’t know what will happen between us.” A single tear rolled down my face and landed with a soft splatter onto the plastic tabletop. Rosie began to snore very lightly. “You hurt me, Daisy,” Frank continued. “And I don’t want to let that happen again.”

None of this was fair. Shouldn’t we be living happily ever after by now?

“You know, you did some pretty shitty stuff to me, too,” I finally said, biting back any more tears. I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes. “And I let us work through it because I trusted you. All I’m asking is for you to trust me, just this once.”

With another fucking sigh, he leant closer into me. “I don't owe you anything, Daisy.” Ouch. "I'm not sure if and when I'll be able to trust you again."

With my last gust of courage, I raised my head to look him straight in the eyes. He looked sad. Good. “Then what’s the fucking point?” I whispered sharply, wiping away the last of my tears. You know, I only ever cry because of him but clearly that means nothing now. “I really don’t need to be strung along, Frank. Just tell me what you want to do. I can handle it. I’m a big girl.”

For a split second, I thought I saw him roll his eyes and I really wanted to punch him in the jaw. “I’m not saying it will never happen,” he replied. “But I’m not saying it definitely will. I just think we should take it easy and try to act like civil adults for the sake of Rosie.”

How fucking dare he? What, am I not acting 'adult' enough for him? Am I suddenly the childish one? I had to take some deep breaths before I lost my temper. “Fine. Sure. Whatever.” I stood up and began to untangle Rosie from the high chair. “I think we can safely call it a day. Let’s go.”

Honestly, I had half a mind to just leave him there, but I thought that might only serve to prove his point about not being able to trust me and quite frankly I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.

The long drive home was stilted and tense, with only Rosie’s soft snores breaking the silence. I pulled up outside Frank’s old house and he left with nothing more than a mumbled “See you later” to me. And that was that.

What fun fucking quality time.