If I Fall

I had grown up in the stadium; I had first touched the ice when I was three. I’d seen players come and go, watched grown men cry in pain and as they said goodbye to me when they had to leave. My father warned me about these men, telling me they were smooth talkers. I never thought I would need his advice until I turned fifteen and was close in age to many of the players coming into the program. That’s when I met my best friend Evgeni.

My dad was the team doctor for the Penguins, and had been since before I was born. When my mom left us after I was born, he started bringing me to work with him. I was the daughter the players didn’t have yet, the baby sister that they missed. Some of them were my second family and watching them say goodbye to me was hard. Once I hit fifteen things got worse, the older guys threatened the guys I liked more than my own father. I guess that’s why I quit dating in high school. It was also because I had a friend who always forgot I was fifteen and treated me as an equal and never told my dad about my language or behavior around the guys, making me feel as if a boyfriend was not needed.

Although my friendship with Evgeni developed over the years I left Pittsburgh for college, the guys were sad but proud as they helped me move into my dorm at Rutgers. I still remember the tears in his eyes as we hugged goodbye. I didn’t think I could watch him leave. I kept in touch with him for the beginning of the semester, but our relationship began to grow distant. I turned to booze to fill the void since he began dating his Russian slut again. I was furious with him and assumed he would get the message when I quit talking to him.

He didn’t. I lost my best friend after four years. The booze became my answer to everything. When my dad saw me at the end of my second year he was worried sick. I knew I had a problem but telling my father would be hard. “Daddy,” I muttered as I stuck my head into his study. I hadn’t told him I’d put an application in at University of Pittsburgh to try and fix my problem. “I applied to transfer to University of Pittsburgh” there goes that bomb.

His attention was grabbed and he was looking at me in shock, “Why? I thought you loved Rutgers.”

“I did until I lost my best friend. Not having Geno and the guys around made me rather depressed. I turned to booze. I want to fix everything so I came back. I only have two semesters left and can get them done quickly.” I watched him stand and walk over to me before wrapping his arms around me.

“Caroline, I want what you want as long as you’re healthy.” I wrapped my arms around him for the first time since he dropped me off at Rutgers two years ago. I was going into the field of physical therapy and had applied to work with the Penguins organization, another surprise for my dad.

“Daddy, I applied for a physical therapy internship with the team.”

He nodded his head at me as if he already knew which worried me. “You got it. Mario wanted me to tell you. You start in a week when the boys get back.” I smiled this was the best news I had gotten in a while. I kissed his cheek and ran up to my room to grab my phone.

I quickly texted Sidney because he was one of the guys who continued to talk to me after I left and cut off all ties. He was the only one who knew about Geno. I got a quick reply back and grabbed my keys to drive over to his house. It’d only been a few years since he bought the house but it looked different from the outside now.

“Hey kid, you think you have a right to be on my lawn?” I heard his joke and smiled a little as I continued to look at the house in front of me, “You better get off my lawn.” I laughed more as I walked up to the door and found myself in a hug. I missed the feeling of family, which was part of my depression at Rutgers. “I’m so proud of you Care, does Geno know?”

“No he doesn’t and I don’t plan on telling him either. He replaced me.” I saw the conflict in his expression, “Sid you know how I felt and still feel about him. He wasn’t just my best friend. He moved on when I left, I can’t compete with a woman closer in age. You all see me as the little sister,” I motioned to my body and continued my rant, “Has everyone not noticed I’m a twenty-one year old woman?”

He laughed as he pushed me into the house and guided me to the kitchen, “no we’ve not forgotten, trust me most of us younger guys would have tried to win you over but Geno threatened us because he knew what we were like.” I looked back at him and tried to find the lie in his eyes. “Geno looked out for you more than you think.”

I sat at the breakfast bar at the realization that he cared and tried to figure out why he replaced me. “Why did he replace me?”

“He thought if he let you go you’d get a normal college experience. He also thought you’d finally start dating again. He was too stupid to realize that you always loved him.” Sidney’s words infuriated me. Geno took the easy out instead of trying. “I know you’re mad but could we go upstairs, watch a movie and go to bed. I need to be in the city early, and I miss my friend. You’re the only girl who stays around all night and cuddles with me.” I laughed at his lame excuse and started to follow him upstairs.

I found his room to be the exact same as when I left two years ago. I sat on the bed where I knew I would sleep and looked at him. “Sid, I’ve got a problem.” He looked scared because I wouldn’t look at him. “I’ve been drinking to forget about him. It hurt.”

“Caroline, don’t let him do this to you. You deserve so much more than depression. Come skate with me tomorrow, you still play right?” I nodded my head and snuggled up in his arms in hopes of forgetting the hurt I had once experienced and prayed that he wouldn’t be there tomorrow and that Sidney would keep the bottles away from me.



Sidney and I got to the rink by ten and we were on the ice a half hour later. We skated around a few laps before I got in the net. "Did you learn to get one past me yet?" I laughed at our running joke because I was the only person who he couldn't score on because I knew his moves too well.

We started slow with just straight shots and worked up to a shootout situation. He still hadn't scored on me yet and I felt proud I hadn't played with him in two years and I was still shutting him out. "Is that my sweet Caroline in the net?" I heard Marc's heavily French accent as he skated toward me on the ice. He turned back to Sid, "stop, go somewhere so I can get a hug, bet she's still beating you a billion to zero."

I laughed as Sid gave up on shooting more pucks on me and moved to the bench to take a break. As soon as he walked away, I was attacked by most of the guys. There were a few new guys who didn't hug me and of course Geno didn't hug me either. "Can I see you in the locker room?" Everyone stopped chattering when Mario's voice boomed through the rink. I slowly made my way to the tunnel and into the locker room. He looked down at me and smiled, "how are you doing Caroline?"

"I'm doing ten times better now that I'm back. I've quit drinking since June, three months sober and two semesters from graduating."

He nodded his head and looked at me, "we're so happy to have you back in the arena," he began walking further into the locker room and I followed him, his face was serious and intimidated me. "How long has it been since you've seen Geno?"

"Since I moved to Rutgers," my heart broke, it had been two years since I had dinner with my best friend. He had told me we would always be close, that he would never forget me. I felt the tears pricking my eyes at the memory of that night.

"I figured as much. The board misses you around him. He showed up for everything, he loved coming to skate and he was actually performing. Personally, I miss seeing you in every team picture after wins or team events. I'm not telling you to forgive him but I am reminding you that you will have to work with him."

He wrapped his arms around me in a quick hug before moving out of the room and leaving me to take my pads off to head to the training room and be acquainted with my new office. I had gotten my outer pads off and heard someone come into the locker room. I looked up to see Geno standing in the middle of the locker room. He looked horrible, almost as if he had turned to booze too. He didn't say a word as he continued on to his locker stall. I stood and walked back out to the ice.

"Sidney fucking Crosby!" I shouted over the guys loud voices causing them to turn and look at me. I saw the faces of some of the new guys, the looked a little concerned as to how angry I was.

"Yes," he questioned as he tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

"Over here now before I decide to bench you." He quickly turned back to the guys and told them to continue without him as he talked to me. "Why didn't you tell me he looked so bad?"

He sighed in defeat before looking back at me. "You would have rushed home to see him. I was afraid you would have taken him back too quickly after what he had done to you. I was only trying to look out for you. The only problem was he turned to the bottle too. She cheated on him like you said she would and he knew he had lost you because you told him you didn't want him choosing her"

"But he never lost me. Had he come back or tried I would have taken him back. Why does he have to be so Russian? I swear," I trailed off as I stormed into the locker room to find him standing there in his under armor. "You asshole!"

He looked up at me and looked shocked to see me talking to him, "you're so fucking high and mighty to apologize for what you did. I turned to booze, looked horrible, and damn near failed out of school because you're too good to say sorry." I walked closer and shoved him, catching him off guard. "I went two years without so much as a word from you. You didn't even tell me you were dating her, I found out from Sid." I shoved him again hoping I didn't start punching him.

"I felt like an ass and assumed you had moved on."

That statement really pissed me off. I clenched my fist and tried to calm down but couldn't. I swung my fist toward his face. He took the punch without flinching, which pissed me off even more. I started swinging repeatedly until I felt arms around me. The tears were hot on my face. "Caroline, I'm sorry I should have called, I should have come to get you and bring you home but I was terrified by what I felt."

I stopped fighting him and tried to wrap my head around what he just said, "wait a minute, what did you say?"

"Carebear, you were at every major event since I got signed here. You helped improve my English since I've been here, you became my family when I didn't have any here. My first day here you were in the net helping us prep, you were right beside me when I hoisted the cup. I had gotten so used to you in my life and staying over on game days to cook us all a pregame meal. I lost my other half the day you went to Rutgers and honestly I tried to find someone who could be you" He let go of me and let me take a step back and distance us.

I wanted to hit him all over again but knew that I needed to calm down. He was the one guy that I had fallen for. It was so easy to fall for him. I guess everything my father said was true, it’s easy to fall in love but hard to find someone to catch you. I had fallen for Evgeni and he could have cared less about me leaving the state or breaking my heart. I walked further away from him and tried to not cry.

“You tried to find someone to replace me? That’s supposed to help me feel better?” I turned to walk away and found Sidney standing there while everyone else was still out on the ice. I looked him dead in the eyes and he just looked back at me. I knew what he was trying to say with me. He wanted me to stay and hash things out before I left.

“Caroline, you need this just as much as he does. Hear him out.” I looked at Sid and began to feel the tears roll down my cheek.

I turned back to Evgeni wanting to tell him everything. “You know I loved you? I fucking loved you and you broke my heart when I found out you were with that Russian slut. I hated you for that.” I looked back at him and tried to gain my composure, “I left hoping that I could forget how I felt and be just friends. I wanted to go back to how we used to be, where I would stay over and watch movies with you until I fell asleep and you would carry me upstairs.” I slouched against the locker and looked across at Evgeni. “I fell for you because we were so close. I honestly missed you every damn day and I thought that reaching the bottom of a bottle would solve the problem but I just found myself missing you even more.”

My breaths were coming in shallow as I tried to catch my breath. The sobs were growing heavy as I tried to find a rational behind his actions. “Come home with me?” I looked up at him and saw him crying too. “I can’t continue this conversation here. Sidney I promise I won’t hurt her, I just can’t let the rest of the guys see me like this.”

I knew that I had to go home with him and talk to him otherwise; I would never be able to move on. “Let’s go Geno. I don’t care what you have to say Sid.” I started walking out the door and toward his car. It was the same red SUV he had bought when I was sixteen.

I heard his heavy footsteps behind me as he unlocked the car doors and let me into the car. It still smelled just as I remembered. My mind flashed back to the first time I got in the car with him. He had just won against the Flyers and had decided to take me out with the team for a celebratory dinner. There were pictures taken all over town and tabloids questioning what he was doing around town with a minor until one got wind of my name and realized that I was just a friend.

I hadn’t noticed that we were at his house until he opened my door and grabbed my hand to move me out of the car. I wanted to go back to sixteen and do everything all over again. I wanted to fix what happened between us, wanted to change the decision to go to Rutgers, maybe then I would have Geno in my life for good.

“Caroline come inside.”

“Evgeni, why?” He looked at me funny as he stepped into the kitchen and looked back at me standing in the garage. “Why did we fall apart, why didn’t you just come get me? I thought you felt the same the night before I left.” I saw the look in his eyes. He had felt the same way and he knew it. I wanted him to realize just how much he meant.

“I couldn’t come get you. Your dad kept saying how great you were doing and how much you loved school and all of this information that I just couldn’t take you away from that.” I watched him come out of the house and grab me. “I loved you from the day we met I didn’t know it then but damn it Caroline I love you.” He grabbed my face and looked me dead in the eyes. “Caroline I always loved you and when you said the girl would cheat on me. I knew that you knew me better than anyone and that I had screwed up.”

I looked at his big brown eyes and tried to win the battle with myself as I fought between running away or just kissing him for the first time in two years. I didn’t have to decide when he brought his lips down on mine. They were just as cool as I remembered and his hands were just as firm on my arms. I missed him more than I remembered. I wrapped my arms around him and felt him pick me up as we walked into his house. “Don’t leave me this time?” his voice had enough fear in it that I knew he was hurting as much as I was.

“Geno you better not let me go this time.” I kissed him this time and clung to him for dear life. I wanted him to stay this close to me, carry me and me with my arms wrapped around him. I knew that I would have to explain it to my father and Sidney. I knew that they both would be worried about me getting hurt again. “I want a ring on my finger this time.” I knew I was leaving out a fine detail with him. I didn’t leave just because of trying to get an education I left because he started dating the Russian.

“What’s wrong, you got very quiet.” He questioned me as I scooted away from him.

“I didn’t tell you everything. You, uh--” I was fumbling for the right way to tell him about what happened after my last night with him. “Geno how mad would you be if I told you something you don’t know about?” I knew this would be a bad time to do this but I had to do it.

“What are you talking about?”

“Take me to my dad’s, I have something to show you.” I walked out to the garage and got back in the car. I needed to be completely honest if I was going to start fresh with him. I watched him get back in his SUV and start the drive over to my fathers. I was really worried about how he would handle things. I watched him stop the car in front of the house and stare at me. “Come on Geno.”

I walked right up to the front door and opened it up to smell some of my dad’s cooking, which had to be something good since he never made anything bad. “Dad you in here somewhere,” I heard him shuffling around in the kitchen and then I heard the small pattering feet running toward the front door.

“mamamamama!” I heard her voice first and looked up to see her running from the kitchen doorway. I smiled wider as I heard another voice coming from the kitchen to see my father with another baby in his arms.

“Hi baby girl. Did you miss mommy,” I said scooping her up and looking at my father who had my son in his arms, “How are you big boy?” I saw them both looking at Geno and felt bad that he had never seen them.

“Daddadada” I had shown them pictures multiple times, regardless of how angry I was at him. They both could recognize their dad especially when I had told them many times who their father was.

“Wait, those are my kids?” I turned around to look at him and smiled with a small tear rolling down my face as I nodded at him. “Why didn’t you tell me, I would have flown out there immediately. You mean wait, god I’m a father.”

I cried because the hardest part of getting pregnant was telling my father that it was Geno and it wasn’t the first time we had done it either. It was horrible telling him that we had been dating for about three months before I left for school. My father made sure to look out for me, the only reason why I quit drinking was because my father would remind me of my kids constantly.

“Geno I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just couldn’t ruin your life, I knew you wanted a family but I couldn’t give you bad limelight to get one.”

“Scott could we have a second?” I watched my father go back to the kitchen and watched as our kids followed my father. “Caroline I want you, I wouldn’t have been mad at you at all. I loved you I would have loved those kids too. Can we please be a family? I never stopped loving you, why did your dad always talk to me if he knew I had gone behind his back and broke your heart?”

“Because he saw how much I loved you even through the hurt. Once he found out, he was going to be a grandpa it was all over he loved those kids before they were born. I made it through my first year fine and then the second year got harder. That was part of the reason why I transferred back here, dad promised he’d help me out.”

I watched my dad walk through the kitchen and into the dining room with the food and then the kids in each arm as he put them in their high chairs and set the food in front of them. Geno was watching them intently too. I knew he would be a great father I just didn’t know if he would want to be a father to my kids like he had promised. I turned back to ask if he wanted to go eat when I saw him down on one knee opening his wallet.

“Geno, what are you doing?”

“Hey Scott, could you come here and you can bring the kids.” he shouted from his one kneed stance.
My father walked in and chuckled a little at the sight before us. “Look my little Anastasia daddy is on one knee for your mommy.” he laughed some more before watching what Geno was doing.

“Caroline, I love you and always have. So how about marrying me I’ve been carrying this thing around in my wallet for a while now hoping that one day I’d have a reason to use it.” I looked down to find a ring that I recognized from pictures.

“Wait one second is that your mother’s ring?” I looked down at the ring again as he nodded. “God yes Geno I’ll marry you. I want us to be a family. Daddy, are you okay with this?” I loved Geno and I knew that we both did what we thought was best at the time but it turned out that we were both just hard headed.

“Dear, he asked me if he could marry you before you went off to college. I knew you two had been dating over the summer I just wasn’t aware of how serious you two were. Do what’s right this time, your kids deserve the family you two always wanted.” I watched him smile and slide the ring on my finger and I watched as the kids clapped and grabbed onto my legs. I smiled and handed them over to Geno.

“They have your last name by the way. I never had the guts not to give them your last name. You were their father and I knew it, I wanted you to be in their lives and I guess having your last name gave me hope that one day we would be the family like you said we would be.”

He looked at our kids, then back at me and smiled, “Momma said she’d be a Malkin too. Aren’t you two excited?” I heard them start babbling at him and smiled. We would be one family and I couldn’t wait. It had been years since I had felt whole again. I had Evgeni in my life, my father was happy to see me happy and I had the job that I wanted for my whole life. “Go see grandpa” he said as he pulled me into the living room.

“What Geno?” I huffed trying not to ruin the moment.

“I’m sorry for everything I ever did to you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt, and I’m even sorrier that I missed the first year of our children’s lives. I want to be there for it now. I want you to stay in Pittsburgh; I want you to be my WAG my partner in crime like we used to be.” I smiled at that because we were like Cosmo and Wanda, pancakes and syrup, or sports and ESPN. He was my best friend I wanted him back regardless of what had gone on between us.

“Can I call Sid and tell him?” He smiled and nodded his head, “Just because I take you back does not change my relationship with the guys. Sid’s been there for me since I left two years ago. He would come up every month to check on me and the kids.” I saw the anger cross his eyes then the understanding. He knew that I did what I saw best at the time and Sidney was the only person that I was very close to on the team.

I pulled out my phone and dialed his number, I had called it many times and knew that he would pick up immediately. “Sid, I’ve got news,” I heard him get excited, “I took Geno back, but that’s only because he told me everything and he knows about Anastasia and Dimitri. He asked me to marry him. I said yes Sid I’m happy again. I want you to be there.” I heard him congratulate me and hung up the phone.

I moved back over toward Geno and hugged him. “I’m ready to be Mrs. Evgeni Malkin. You’re my best friend, my other half and I’m ready to go back to how things used to be, only this time as a family with our kids.”